Bf won't let go of the fact that I slept w/ someone before getting exclusive

[bluecastle]

Bravo. It's hard, I know, and as bolt said the odds are very high that you'll hear from him in a few different ways that can spin the head if you let it. Try to focus on knowing you're better off away from him—and you are, you ARE—and take note of how you feel a sense of strength and calm returning, even during these melancholy days. That's because you've acted on strength—so, yeah, pat yourself on the back.

[Seraphim]

Good for you!

[somegirl313]

How do you let go of someone you loved so deeply?

[boltnrun]

How do you let go of someone you loved so deeply?

 

By reminding yourself that he didn't love you (no one who loves you would take so much pleasure in causing you pain) and that he's an abusive bully.

 

You can't just keep the parts of him you like. He's the entire package including the part of him that got off on making you cry.

[bluecastle]

I repeat a simple, factual phrase in my mind when a relationship ends, whatever the nature of an ending: "It did not work."

 

This, somegirl, did not work. Past big words like love and abuse, which are already at odds with each other, there is that fact. It did not work. The earth is round, there are 24 hours in a day, and you plus him did not work.

 

It sucks. It's hard. It is also a fact. Hold onto facts rather than fantasies, even hard facts, and letting go just happens, in time.

[Wiseman2]

Therapy. It will help you distinguish between attachment and love. Google "Stockholm syndrome". Unfortunately once in an abusive relationship the mind learns to cope through cognitive dissonance. And that could be a blind spot in the future.

How do you let go of someone you loved so deeply?

[catfeeder]

How do you let go of someone you loved so deeply?

 

Remind yourself that some people are best loved from far away.

 

Head high!

[Cannelle]

By loving yourself more...

 

See, you got into this abusive relationship by relying on HIM to love you, to be your support system etc. You where, and still are, codependent. You relied on him so much that when he would be disrespectful, you would cave, in fear of losing him. You would endure his behavior as the price to pay for the good times with him. You didn't value your self enough to stand up to him and create a safe environment for you to be in...

 

Now it's time to take care of yourself and build yourself so you can learn how to set healthier boundaries in relationships with everybody ( bf, family, friends...). Think about some hobbies you always wanted to do but didn't have time to do, Exercise at home or gym (best way to uplift your mood), do some guided positive meditations, spend time with your loved one, cry, sleep, eat well and most of all, be PATIENT and gentle with yourself.

 

Of course you loved him, but what you're experiencing now are withdrawal symptoms...It's scary to wake up in the morning and feel that you are "alone". You are not alone in this. It will get better with time and actions from your part. You will have the urge many times to go back to him or eventually have a "rebound" . Do not have a rebound. Best is to built your strength and self love first and later you'll be able to be in healthier relationships...

 

Start with baby steps. You'll be proud of yourself .

[somegirl313]

By loving yourself more...

 

See, you got into this abusive relationship by relying on HIM to love you, to be your support system etc. You where, and still are, codependent. You relied on him so much that when he would be disrespectful, you would cave, in fear of losing him. You would endure his behavior as the price to pay for the good times with him. You didn't value your self enough to stand up to him and create a safe environment for you to be in...

 

Now it's time to take care of yourself and build yourself so you can learn how to set healthier boundaries in relationships with everybody ( bf, family, friends...). Think about some hobbies you always wanted to do but didn't have time to do, Exercise at home or gym (best way to uplift your mood), do some guided positive meditations, spend time with your loved one, cry, sleep, eat well and most of all, be PATIENT and gentle with yourself.

 

Of course you loved him, but what you're experiencing now are withdrawal symptoms...It's scary to wake up in the morning and feel that you are "alone". You are not alone in this. It will get better with time and actions from your part. You will have the urge many times to go back to him or eventually have a "rebound" . Do not have a rebound. Best is to built your strength and self love first and later you'll be able to be in healthier relationships...

 

Start with baby steps. You'll be proud of yourself .

 

I will be looking into therapy after this. Might finally get a gym membership too. Is it bad that even after all the abuse and pain he's put me through, I'm still hoping that we'll meet again sometime in the future after we each do some growing and maturing so that we can start over again? I told myself after the first time things ended between us (2 years ago we dated briefly) that if it's meant to be then he'll come back, and he did. I'm still clinging onto the idea that if he comes back again then it's meant to be

[boltnrun]

I will be looking into therapy after this. Might finally get a gym membership too. Is it bad that even after all the abuse and pain he's put me through, I'm still hoping that we'll meet again sometime in the future after we each do some growing and maturing so that we can start over again? I told myself after the first time things ended between us (2 years ago we dated briefly) that if it's meant to be then he'll come back, and he did. I'm still clinging onto the idea that if he comes back again then it's meant to be

 

Clinging to that belief is based on fantasy. It's also very dangerous. You'll think you HAVE to stay with him no matter how badly he abuses you. In your fantasy he comes back because fate or the universe or whatever says so. In your fantasy you have no free will, you're just bending to what you want to believe is "meant to be".

 

In your fantasy, does he attend counseling for abuse? I invite you to Google the statistics for those who have chosen to attend counseling for abusers. Remember, these are people who sincerely want to change...not people who are going into counseling to entice their abuse victim to come back for more, or who are doing it because their abuse victim pressed charges and it's court ordered. The last time I looked up statistics the success rate was at 1%. So, out of 100 abusers, ONE will never abuse again.

 

Think about why you believe the only way you can get through this is to pretend he's coming back some day a better person.

 

Do I think he'll be back? Absolutely. Do I believe he'll be back after attending intensive abuser counseling? Nope. Only because you told us he said before he would go to counseling and never did. He said that so you'd take him back and it worked. It will work again unless you have enough love and respect for yourself to say "no" the next time he makes false promises.

 

And yes, it's "bad" to want your abuser back. But it's also very common. If you search for stories of abuse victims, they usually share the same fantasy you have, hoping their abuser will "realize" and "change". As time goes on and they attend therapy and educate themselves, they stop wanting this because it's like wishing harm on yourself. Why would you wish to continue to be abused? Why would anyone?

 

Don't worry much about the thoughts and feelings you're having. It's OK as long as you don't act on them.

 

Have you blocked him from contacting you? I hope so. I hope you haven't come up with some excuse why you "can't".

[somegirl313]

I haven't blocked him on anything... we both agreed to go to therapy next week at our school. I told him we should go no contact and that I'd update him on therapy when I go. He agreed but he's been sending me goodnight messages and texted me good morning today. I never responded

[Wiseman2]

Never Ever discuss your therapy with anyone. It is private and confidential and needs to stay that way otherwise therapy is a waste of time for you.

I told him we should go no contact and that I'd update him on therapy when I go.

[boltnrun]

I haven't blocked him on anything... we both agreed to go to therapy next week at our school. I told him we should go no contact and that I'd update him on therapy when I go. He agreed but he's been sending me goodnight messages and texted me good morning today. I never responded

 

Tell your therapist about your "agreement" to discuss your therapy with him.

 

He's continuing to disrespect you by violating your request for no contact. Doesn't that prove to you he doesn't care about your feelings?

 

The only way the fog of abuse will clear is to stay the heck away from him. And that includes stopping all forms of contact.

 

Please be honest with your therapist. Don't sugar-coat or leave things out to try to make him look "better" to your therapist. If you do, you'll be wasting both your and your therapist's time.

[abitbroken]

If you update him on therapy, then you are basically giving him control and asking him to stomp all over you again.

[bluecastle]

Most people, in the wake of a breakup, find some comfort in the notion that some day, with better timing and some more maturity, reconciliation will happen. If the stars realign, if it's meant to be—the stuff of movies.

 

I'd say that, even in the healthiest relationships, it's a dangerous mindset to indulge. Keeps you rooted in fantasy, not reality. The past and the future, bypassing the present. You're kind of concubine'ing your own growth and maturity, and the people who will be affected by that, aside from yourself, is anyone else you connect with.

 

When the relationship was toxic, dysfunctional, abusive? Well, that's where it's really dangerous, since it's basically keeping the muscles flexed that allowed the relationship to "work" in the first place. Think about it: you weren't with him because he called you names, made you cry, regularly treated you like trash. You were with him because you held onto hope that maybe, one day, he wouldn't do that, that you could "work it out." That he would stop and be the good, decent guy that...he never quite was.

 

Therapy is for you, not him, so please don't go sharing that with him. Honestly, while I know it may seem "sweet" right now, his continuing to text you when you asked him not to is just an extension of what got you here: his complete inability to respect you. If I asked my girlfriend to not talk to me for a day, because I was stressed, she would not talk to me for a day. That is respect. That is sweet. Therapy, hopefully, can help defog your windshield so you can see all that a little more clearly so you can feel it, in your bones and spirit, and with that lose your attachment to him and men like him.

[Wiseman2]

So you didn't break up. And you didn't tell your parents or research abusive relationships. All you did was tell him you are going to therapy to fix yourself for him. That's ok maybe the therapist can help you, maybe not. See what happens.

I haven't blocked him on anything... we both agreed to go to therapy next week at our school. and that I'd update him on therapy when I go. He agreed but he's been sending me goodnight messages and texted me good morning today.

[boltnrun]

So you didn't break up. And you didn't tell your parents or research abusive relationships. All you did was tell him you are going to therapy to fix yourself for him. That's ok maybe the therapist can help you, maybe not. See what happens.

 

That's kind of what I was thinking.

 

OP, did you actually break up with him? As in, tell him "I'm sorry, but this relationship isn't working out for me. It's best we go our separate ways"?

 

OR...did you say "we both should go to therapy, I'll check in with you to make sure you approve, and then hopefully we can come back together because it's 'meant to be'"?

 

Because if it was some version of Option #2, you did not in fact break up.

[somegirl313]

We did break up, but we still kept in little contact yesterday. Yesterday evening I actually downloaded a software to retrieve all of our old texts from the very beginning because I wanted to really know what we said to each other. The whole reason all of this drama arose was because he swore he told me he wanted to be serious with me and that I told him the same, but I "still went and slept with the other guy." I've always told him I never said that.

Well I was right the entire time, I saw our old texts and it was just him confessing his feelings to me and not telling me he wanted to become serious with me. I sent him a PDF file of these screenshots and he said he doesn't deserve me anymore, that he was wrong, that he hopes I can forgive him, that I was so good to him but he was awful to me, that he feels like a crazy person now. I'm sure he feels like the biggest idiot now. For some reason, after finally retrieving those texts, I can't cry when I think of him anymore. I definitely have less love for him now. And it feels good

[Seraphim]

Stop ALL contact with him. All this communication is CONTINUING to be abused.

[bluecastle]

Cool—a dose of closure.

 

Now it's time to stop litigating this—both in your own mind and, especially, together. In other words, you don't need to send the PDF, or whatever the next version of the PDF is: an epiphany triggered in therapy, something a friend said, whatever. That stuff is for you, not him. Bringing him into that is basically staying in a relationship, you know?

[boltnrun]

Well, that was totally predictable.

 

His next tactic will be berating you for being "unfair" or being "harsh" and "unforgiving". All he did was love you and this is what he gets!!! How dare you??? You're lucky he would even want to be with someone like you!

 

Then it'll be the guilt trip/self pity routine. He may threaten suicide. He'll make outlandish promises.

 

This is why blocking him is the best course of action.

 

However, since you're still in the fog of abuse and still care what he thinks about you, you probably won't do this.

 

I do hope you don't plan to follow through with that whole ridiculous "letting him know what happens at therapy" thing. That's ludicrous.

 

PS: He doesn't feel like the biggest idiot. He's plotting how he can get you back. One thing abusers HATE is having to go look for a new victim because that means they have to act nice for a while. They'd rather keep their current victim because it's easier. One thing it's NOT about is love. No matter what he says.

[somegirl313]

Well, that was totally predictable.

 

His next tactic will be berating you for being "unfair" or being "harsh" and "unforgiving". All he did was love you and this is what he gets!!! How dare you??? You're lucky he would even want to be with someone like you!

 

Then it'll be the guilt trip/self pity routine. He may threaten suicide. He'll make outlandish promises.

 

This is why blocking him is the best course of action.

 

However, since you're still in the fog of abuse and still care what he thinks about you, you probably won't do this.

 

I do hope you don't plan to follow through with that whole ridiculous "letting him know what happens at therapy" thing. That's ludicrous.

 

PS: He doesn't feel like the biggest idiot. He's plotting how he can get you back. One thing abusers HATE is having to go look for a new victim because that means they have to act nice for a while. They'd rather keep their current victim because it's easier. One thing it's NOT about is love. No matter what he says.

 

I don't believe he will do any of that. He seems to be accepting his loss, told me he doesn't want to lose me but he just feels like s*** about it all now. He knows the ball is in my court now and said he doesn't know if I even want him back. He also said he's going to make a therapy appointment tomorrow. Also said he wants to speak to me in person. However I am not ready to see him yet. And I will not be updating him on my therapy session anymore

[boltnrun]

I don't believe he will do any of that. He seems to be accepting his loss, told me he doesn't want to lose me but he just feels like s*** about it all now. He knows the ball is in my court now and said he doesn't know if I even want him back. He also said he's going to make a therapy appointment tomorrow. Also said he wants to speak to me in person. However I am not ready to see him yet. And I will not be updating him on my therapy session anymore

 

How is he "not doing any of that"??? He's doing almost exactly what I said he'd do, including the self pity and the promises to make a therapy appointment "tomorrow".

 

How can you not see he's following the predicted script?

 

Do you WANT to believe him? Do you want to be able to go back to him?

[bluecastle]

I know it's hard to stomach, somegirl, but bolt is offering you some very real wisdom. Hard-earned wisdom, I suspect.

 

He will begin accepting the loss when he has lost you, for real. Getting PDFs from you signals to him, understandably, that he has not lost you. And so he responds by telling you about his upcoming therapy appointments, sharing his pain with you, which lessens the sense of loss even greater. And you respond to his responses, lessening it even more.

 

It's a process, one you'll go through as you see fit. But do give yourself a moment to just note that what you're describing right now is basically the same thing you were describing when you were together. Hard for someone to accept a loss when little has changed.

[Wiseman2]

Stop sending him things. Stop trying to prove anything to him. Good you stopped telling him about your therapy. When you are ready, you may find your way out from under his thumb. But for now you're proving to him that he still controls you by sending him this nonsense.. Some people like you, even after therapy, still stay in situations like this. Abuse is all they know and they believe the possessiveness is "love". Hopefully you'll decide you want to be happy and find a guy who is decent and loves you.

I sent him a PDF file of these screenshots and he said he doesn't deserve me anymore, that he was wrong, that he hopes I can forgive him, that I was so good to him but he was awful to me, that he feels like a crazy person now.