Bf won't let go of the fact that I slept w/ someone before getting exclusive

[bluecastle]

I wasn't looking to get into another relationship after my breakup. After I slept with my current bf though, I started to fall for him even harder and not too long after that he asked me to be his gf and I said yes..and I know now that I shouldn't have told my bf about the fwb but he asked me who he was so I thought it would be good to just be honest

 

Look, there are maybe some lessons in all this.

 

When you're not looking to get into a relationship, for instance, you're playing with fire when talking to someone who is professing big feelings for you and then sleeping with that person. You're likely filling a void without knowing it. And when the flood of hormones released by getting naked leads you to switch from "not looking to get into a relationship" to "falling for someone" it's generally a sign of emotional instability or recognizing that you can't have sex without forming attachments quickly. And, yeah, there is a fine but important line between honesty and oversharing, especially when it means sharing something that will potentially leave a mark.

 

All that said, none of the above—not an eyelash of it—is anything to feel ashamed for, awful about, or to be punished for. Another man—most men, I think—would have handled this completely differently. Some may have checked out, kindly. Others would be indifferent. Others would be understanding, affectionate. The one you picked is mean and petty. That's his choice, as it's yours to continue to reward that by being with him.

[somegirl313]

That's very telling, you see? He does not really see you, or hear you. He sees and hears himself, and his story, and wants you to fall in line with that. That is his lens, and it predated you. Now it's that lens that is causing these little burns, like a boy lighting an insect on fire at recess because he's angry his teacher gave him a bad grade for work he thought was good.

 

He keeps telling me "You knew EXACTLY what I wanted, don't even lie to yourself" and I'd tell him "it's not my fault you decided to keep all your eggs in one basket." He never told me that he wanted to become exclusive, but he thinks it's implied. And he keeps asking me why I had to go sleep with the guy and THEN decide that I want to become serious with him.

 

I really thought this guy was my soulmate, that's why I don't want to break up with him.

[boltnrun]

Do you imagine your "soulmate" being someone who enjoys berating you and seeing you beg and cry?

 

Of course you don't have to break up with him. But you know full well you're signing up for potentially years of tears and of being berated.

[somegirl313]

Look, there are maybe some lessons in all this.

 

When you're not looking to get into a relationship, for instance, you're playing with fire when talking to someone who is professing big feelings for you and then sleeping with that person. You're likely filling a void without knowing it. And when the flood of hormones released by getting naked leads you to switch from "not looking to get into a relationship" to "falling for someone" it's generally a sign of emotional instability or recognizing that you can't have sex without forming attachments quickly. And, yeah, there is a fine but important line between honesty and oversharing, especially when it means sharing something that will potentially leave a mark.

 

All that said, none of the above—not an eyelash of it—is anything to feel ashamed for, awful about, or to be punished for. Another man—most men, I think—would have handled this completely differently. Some may have checked out, kindly. Others would be indifferent. Others would be understanding, affectionate. The one you picked is mean and petty. That's his choice, as it's yours to continue to reward that by being with him.

 

I didn't sleep with him until I decided that I liked him. Once I decided that, I dropped everyone else and was focused on just him. Sleeping with him made me fall even harder because we dated briefly 2 years ago and I really liked him, but things didn't work out because he was immature.

[bluecastle]

He keeps telling me "You knew EXACTLY what I wanted, don't even lie to yourself" and I'd tell him "it's not my fault you decided to keep all your eggs in one basket." He never told me that he wanted to become exclusive, but he thinks it's implied. And he keeps asking me why I had to go sleep with the guy and THEN decide that I want to become serious with him.

 

I really thought this guy was my soulmate, that's why I don't want to break up with him.

 

Gimme a break. I'll happily put 5K on a bet that you weren't the only woman on the planet he was curious about during that time, and if he wasn't conversing with another it's because no one was giving him the time of day. Because that's what people do when they're single: they explore, toss out ropes, see what bites.

 

Sorry, but this level of gaslighting—look up that term if it's not familiar—comes when someone else is trying to offload their own shame onto another. And, hey? If he had eyes for you and you only, and was making space for that and only that—great. Own it with a spine, don't wield it as a sword.

[Leah33]

I just keep hoping and hoping that eventually he will forget about it. Actually for about 2 weeks, he didn't bring it up and I was very surprised. Then just 2 days ago, after we had sex, he told me "you probably rode him just like this, you probably moaned just like that" and I cried

 

The way this man talks to you is absolutely demeaning and his treatment of you, disgusting. I think you would be better suited speaking with a professional therapist one-on-one who can help you gather the strength to end this. I hope that you do.

[somegirl313]

The way this man talks to you is absolutely demeaning and his treatment of you, disgusting. I think you would be better suited speaking with a professional therapist one-on-one who can help you gather the strength to end this. I hope that you do.

 

I've thought about going to couples therapy with him before, but I'm not sure if that will help.

[bluecastle]

Once upon a time things didn't work out because he was immature. This isn't working for the same reason. That, right there, can be the beginning and end of this story. A sad little tale, but not a devouring epic. Think about that.

 

You sound like you're of solid mind. You're a bit spun around, but you're still seeing up from down, or you wouldn't be posting here. Getting spun around on the search for a soulmate is a thing that can happen. I'm sure every poster here, myself included, have some stories. The key is for them to be just that—a story, not the story.

 

Couple's therapy? You're talking about him like he's your husband. You've been dating for 9 months, and, by the sounds of it, they got derailed pretty early on. Dude turned a hiccup into a hurricane; imagine what'll happen when real things happen. What are you trying to get back to? Does teaching a mean person to be nice sound like a relationship to you?

[somegirl313]

Once upon a time things didn't work out because he was immature. This isn't working for the same reason. That, right there, can be the beginning and end of this story. A sad little tale, but not a devouring epic. Think about that.

 

You sound like you're of solid mind. You're a bit spun around, but you're still seeing up from down, or you wouldn't be posting here. Getting spun around on the search for a soulmate is a thing that can happen. I'm sure every poster here, myself included, have some stories. The key is for them to be just that—a story, not the story.

 

Couple's therapy? You're talking about him like he's your husband. You've been dating for 9 months, and, by the sounds of it, they got derailed pretty early on. Dude turned a hiccup into a hurricane; imagine what'll happen when real things happen. What are you trying to get back to? Does teaching a mean person to be nice sound like a relationship to you?

 

This might sound hard to believe but he isn't a mean person...I guess he can turn mean when he's jealous/insecure over this issue. But overall he's one of the kindest persons I've ever met. He's very gentle and caring.

[Leah33]

I've thought about going to couples therapy with him before, but I'm not sure if that will help.

 

I think you misunderstood me.

 

I meant for you, not "couples therapy". You are with a person who is abusive, there is no relationship here to be salvaged.

[itsallgrand]

I wasn't looking to get into another relationship after my breakup. After I slept with my current bf though, I started to fall for him even harder and not too long after that he asked me to be his gf and I said yes..and I know now that I shouldn't have told my bf about the fwb but he asked me who he was so I thought it would be good to just be honest

 

Yes, this is part of why I asked if you've had a hard time with self esteem. You didn't mention an answer to that though.

Because from my observations in life, this is more a personality led thing to go in these types of directions rather than a youth thing.

As hard as it is to hear, on some level you are choosing a passive approach in which many will readily take in life to mean doormat.

All you have to do is say " No, not playing this" and it would be the end. But I think you are enjoying it in a way, as it feeds your ego too in a way.

[boltnrun]

This might sound hard to believe but he isn't a mean person...I guess he can turn mean when he's jealous/insecure over this issue. But overall he's one of the kindest persons I've ever met. He's very gentle and caring.

 

This makes no sense.

 

How is berating you by saying "did you moan like that with him?" right after sex equate to gentle and caring?

 

Are you saying "other than the numerous times he's insulted me and berated me and gloated while I cried, he's wonderful!!!"

 

Gentle and caring people don't act like he does.

 

And I guarantee what he'll say if you try to suggest couples therapy...that YOU'RE the one who caused all the problems by sleeping with that other guy, so why does HE need therapy??!!

 

This situation is so sad, that you think someone who speaks to you the way he does loves you and is gentle and caring.

 

I asked before...what happened to you that you equate berating and insults with love? Who else hurt you?

[bluecastle]

"I bet you rode him like that and moaned with him like that," said no gentle and caring man ever.

 

Sorry to be crass, but please think about that. He's not the devil, I get it. I dated a very cool, generally warm woman once who also cut my face in order to tell me she'd never hurt me again. Think I made a mistake letting her go because she was sometimes super awesome, whip smart, smoking hot, and for a brief moment lit up my brain as my potential partner?

 

I hardly think about that moment—eight weird weeks in 39 years of life—and didn't think about it very long after. Whatever her good qualities, being cut on my face is not something I want to be part of romantic partnership. Simple math. Something is going on with you right now where you're not fully acknowledging the ways he's cutting you, and that's hard to read, to be honest.

 

Itsallgrand is offering some very wise words about self-esteem. If something in this is feeding your ego, if some part of you is turned on by him demeaning you, if that registers at all like power or a powerful connection—well, I would suggest owning that and then deciding if that's something inside of you that you want to continue cultivating or understand a bit better so you can remove it.

[somegirl313]

"I bet you rode him like that and moaned with him like that," said no gentle and caring man ever.

 

Sorry to be crass, but please think about that. He's not the devil, I get it. I dated a very cool, generally warm woman once who also cut my face in order to tell me she'd never hurt me again. Think I made a mistake letting her go because she was sometimes super awesome, whip smart, smoking hot, and for a brief moment lit up my brain as my potential partner?

 

I hardly think about that moment—eight weird weeks in 39 years of life—and didn't think about it very long after. Whatever her good qualities, being cut on my face is not something I want to be part of romantic partnership. Simple math. Something is going on with you right now where you're not fully acknowledging the ways he's cutting you, and that's hard to read, to be honest.

 

Itsallgrand is offering some very wise words about self-esteem. If something in this is feeding your ego, if some part of you is turned on by him demeaning you, if that registers at all like power or a powerful connection—well, I would suggest owning that and then deciding if that's something inside of you that you want to continue cultivating or understand a bit better so you can remove it.

 

In no way is this feeding my ego or turning me on...I guess it's just when we're good, we're really good and it outweighs the bad. We always fight over this and then we makeup. I know at some point I will have to make a decision. It's just very hard for me to do that right now

[boltnrun]

You aren't answering my questions or responding to my posts, so I will leave you with this; six months from now, a year and six months from now, two years from now, when he's still berating you and enjoying watching you cry, maybe you'll have had enough. Because I guarantee he will never stop, not when he's enjoying it so much.

[bluecastle]

I know it's hard. It was hard for me to let go of the woman who cut my face, at the time, in that it was very sad to accept that what I thought we had was not quite what it was. Then again, I really like my face.

 

A word of wisdom, if you'll accept that time and experience gives that: No one in a happy, flourishing relationship says, "When we're good, we're really good." Everyone in an unhappy, dysfunctional, and toxic relationship says that.

 

That's the drug, and the high of it only exists because the "not good" times suck. They rewire your brain, much the way drugs do. Talk to heroin addicts and they don't even describe the feeling as being "high." They use the drug to avoid "feeling sick." Think about that.

 

What you are calling "really good" is what other people call "being in a relationship." It's the rule, not the exception. Someone who is starving will think stale bread and dirty water is the most exquisite meal; someone who is full needs more than that to be sated.

 

Other things people in toxic, dysfunctional relationships say: "I just think if we can back to where we were..." "But the sex is amazing..." "If only he/she would be a little less/more x, then we'd be great..."

 

Not sure if any of that strikes a chord, but worth thinking about.

[shellyf62]

Look at my signature "when someone shows you who they are, believe them.". He is showing you EXACTLY who he is.

He is not gentle & kind, he is rude, vulgar & nasty.

He will never change, and he will be bringing up your past partner for ever. Is this the life you want?

 

One other thing, this highlights exactly why you should never, ever talk about past partners with current ones. It is no one's business but yours. If they ask for info say no, what happened in the past stays there.

[annie24]

He is really gross and crude. You had a relationship before you and he were exclusive. He can’t seem to get past it. This should have been a non issue months ago. He can’t move on. It’s honestly time to break up. This isn’t love. He has some serious problems and you don’t need this. You can’t help him.

[Hollyj]

Your bf is insecure and manipulative! I cannot believe you have tolerated this garbage for 9 months. You cannot win with this guy, as will forever punish you.

 

End it!

[joyafterloss]

Honestly it sounds like this guy has a lot of growing up to do. Tread *very* carefully. If you feel like he is emotionally or psychologically abusing you, I would advise that you leave.

 

Otherwise I can't tell you what to do but to me this sounds like a trust issue. He does not trust that you truly want him more than anyone else, or that you will stay with him in the long-term. Trust is not easy to rebuild once broken. What exactly would he require to rebuild it? If you ask him this question, observe how he responds. If he wants you to change the way you dress, who you hang out with, for instance... look for any red flags/signs of control. And what would *you* be willing to change, and be comfortable changing?

 

He needs to firmly commit to never mentioning the past again, leave the past in the past for this relationship to have any chance at all. Some people have trouble with this and hold grudges indefinitely. If that is who he is, do you want to deal with this for God knows how long?

 

I wish I could stop there but there also seems to be more to it, because this guy seems to really like being in control and have power over you just based on what you wrote.

 

I know it's hard to stand up for ourselves sometimes. But imagine someone physically pushed you. What would you do? Would you let them push you and just fall backwards a bit? Or would you hold your ground? Would you push back?

 

I just don't want you to be pushed around by this guy. ***You must above all else retain your self-respect***

 

I know how painful it can feel when you thought he was your soulmate. Maybe he is your soulmate but in a different way. In the way that he was sent to your life to teach you important lessons, like to respect and value yourself. Self-preservation and self-respect must come first.

 

Go away on a trip somewhere alone and sit in the park and listen to your inner instinct, intuition, and heart. Pray on it. And if you decide to end it, make it short, amicable, kind, respectful, firm, and stick to your decision.

[Hollyj]

This might sound hard to believe but he isn't a mean person...I guess he can turn mean when he's jealous/insecure over this issue. But overall he's one of the kindest persons I've ever met. He's very gentle and caring.

 

Have you absorbed a single word that anyone has said? He does not love or respect you! He is manipulative, insecure and emotionally abusive! You did nothing wrong. He will not let this go and will forever punish you!

 

Get out. Get some therapy to understand why you would allow someone to treat you like this.

 

He is not nice. He is mean and cruel, and enjoys doing this to you.

[nutbrownhare]

I agree with all the above posters. Sure, it may have started out as a sign of his insecurity and fear of losing you to someone else - but it's gone way, way beyond that. He is punishing you for something which happened before you two were together, and is nothing to do with him, and he is getting a kick out of it.

 

Him ruining your intimate moment by commenting "you probably rode him like this..." suggests he's having some kind of sick fantasy about it; I very much doubt this other guy had even entered your mind at that point - but is clearly uppermost in his. If he were genuinely worried about your relationship, your repeated apologies would have soothed his fears by now, so you can safely assume that that is not the issue.

 

This kind of emotional abuse does not go away. Indeed, it sounds as though he's escalating in weirdness; he has repeatedly reduced you to tears while he sits there and watches. This kind of thing does not happen in healthy relationships, and your comment

I guess it's just when we're good, we're really good and it outweighs the bad.

is standard for women in abusive ones. I promise you it is possible to have really good relationships which don't include this sort of rubbish - and while you're emotionally shackled to this guy, you have no chance of finding one.

 

It's only been nine months. Get out before he completely destroys your self esteem; really, really don't underestimate how damaging this kind of behaviour will be in the long run.

[somegirl313]

I agree with all the above posters. Sure, it may have started out as a sign of his insecurity and fear of losing you to someone else - but it's gone way, way beyond that. He is punishing you for something which happened before you two were together, and is nothing to do with him, and he is getting a kick out of it.

 

Him ruining your intimate moment by commenting "you probably rode him like this..." suggests he's having some kind of sick fantasy about it; I very much doubt this other guy had even entered your mind at that point - but is clearly uppermost in his. If he were genuinely worried about your relationship, your repeated apologies would have soothed his fears by now, so you can safely assume that that is not the issue.

 

This kind of emotional abuse does not go away. Indeed, it sounds as though he's escalating in weirdness; he has repeatedly reduced you to tears while he sits there and watches. This kind of thing does not happen in healthy relationships, and your comment is standard for women in abusive ones. I promise you it is possible to have really good relationships which don't include this sort of rubbish - and while you're emotionally shackled to this guy, you have no chance of finding one.

 

It's only been nine months. Get out before he completely destroys your self esteem; really, really don't underestimate how damaging this kind of behaviour will be in the long run.

 

He always asks me why I didn’t think of his feelings first before hooking up with the FWB. And I tell him I didn’t think I’d have to because we were not exclusive, and then he says I am using a “technicality” on him. He tells me “your first priority was to make him cum and then think about me” and tries to make me feel horrible about it

[nutbrownhare]

He always asks me why I didn’t think of his feelings first before hooking up with the FWB. And I tell him I didn’t think I’d have to because we were not exclusive, and then he says I am using a “technicality” on him. He tells me “your first priority was to make him cum and then think about me” and tries to make me feel horrible about it

 

He will continue to use this as a weapon to beat you with for as long as you let him. It's not at all unusual for people to be dating others in the early stages of a relationship before you decide you are exclusive, and it seems that he had a sense of entitlement to you - despite you not having agreed this with him.

 

Emotionally abusive people often do this.

 

For example, years ago I had a couple of dates with a guy. With the second one, in particular, he came over as such an obnoxious, intrusive git that I almost felt defiled by being in his company. I declined an offer of another date, telling him that we were just not on the same page and that, although many people would disagree with me, I found his company very tiring.

 

However, after that, if he saw me having a coffee with a male friend he would get in the way and try to disrupt. A couple of years later, when I met my current partner and we were walking along holding hands, he would glare daggers and be very rude and hostile. Not only had I never had a relationship with this guy, I'd never even kissed him. Didn't stop the sense of entitlement though.

 

And this is just the kind of thinking your guy subscribes to. He will try to make you feel horrible, as a way of getting control over you, for as long as you stick with him. And the longer you stay, the more difficult it will be to disentangle.

[Wiseman2]

Don't date jealous insecure men. Don't kiss and tell. Your sexual history is your business. You may think his jealousy means he's into you and wants you all to himself...how romantic. No it's a huge red flag.