Bf won't let go of the fact that I slept w/ someone before getting exclusive

[DancingFool]

He always asks me why I didn’t think of his feelings first before hooking up with the FWB. And I tell him I didn’t think I’d have to because we were not exclusive, and then he says I am using a “technicality” on him. He tells me “your first priority was to make him cum and then think about me” and tries to make me feel horrible about it

 

^This is what abuse looks like. He tells you over and over that white is black, spinning around and around that what you did is wrong, even though it.is.NOT. He KNOWS it's not. He simply likes to see you suffer, cry, beg, plead, apologize for doing nothing wrong, feel hurt and confused. He enjoys your pain, he enjoys your tears. When you cry - he feels powerful. Your pain and tears are like a drug to him. He looks at you and literally thinks "look at what I can do to her." Think on it - he is doing this to you literally every single week, constantly.

 

He is not going to stop this ever. You are not going to reason with him or convince him that either you didn't do anything wrong or that he needs to drop this subject. He already knows it's all bs. This isn't about that. It's about control, power, and abuse. For as long as you stay in tears, off balance, begging and pleading and telling him you love him while sobbing as he screams at you (btw you are humiliating yourself and destroying what's left of your self respect), he will continue to tear you down.

 

You do not hang on to a guy like that. You run for the hills. You kick them out of your life with extreme prejudice and block and delete them from everything. OP....please understand.....a good guy, a kind man will NEVER make you cry.

[bluecastle]

He always asks me why I didn’t think of his feelings first before hooking up with the FWB. And I tell him I didn’t think I’d have to because we were not exclusive, and then he says I am using a “technicality” on him. He tells me “your first priority was to make him cum and then think about me” and tries to make me feel horrible about it

 

He does not "try" to make you feel horrible. He succeeds, repeatedly, with gusto. And that brings him pleasure, comfort, power. Think about the most potent emotions you feel inside this relationship and I bet "horrible" is near the top of the list. I think, without quite realizing it, you've already conditioned yourself to process "horrible" as an ingredient of "love."

 

That's your big brain working overtime to protect yourself, to make horrible feel less horrible. Because without that story—that this is somehow connected to love—the only story you have is a man who repeatedly succeeds in making you feel horrible. So your big brain, in protecting yourself with a story, is also allowing you to stay vulnerable inside a painful and corrosive reality. Stories are comforting, but when told on sinking ships they still end in suffering.

 

The people we allow ourselves to be close to become, in ways, our teachers and guides. They help us form ourselves, see ourselves, which is why we need to be careful about who we open up to. We need to learn when to go from open to closed. He is teaching you an awful version of what "love" is—and, sadly, you seem to listen to him far more than he's capable of listening to you. If a relationship is about nourishment—the emotional equivalent of eating healthy—he is teaching you to think of candy, if not anti-freeze, as fresh greens. You're already getting a little sick. Keep eating and you'll be really sick.

 

I very much liked the above sentiment that this guy is a different kind of soulmate, put into your life to teach you some invaluable lessons. I feel that way, in a sense, about the woman who cut me. I don't feel like an idiot for getting involved in her, or a victim. No ill-will. Hope she's found her way. Happy for those lessons. Someone I briefly thought could teach me what love is helped me see what it is not. In some small but essential way that probably helped prepare me to connect, healthily, to my girlfriend, just like her marriage before me helped her connect to me. Bittersweet stuff from one angle, beautiful from another. I prefer to lean on the beauty, and the truth.

 

Your "first priority" with the FWB was not getting him off or hurting your now-bf. It was you, as it should be, always. It was you doing what worked for you, best you could figure that out, at the time. A man capable of seeing women as people, rather than possessions, will understand that intuitively. He is not that kind of man. He hates himself at a magnitude that you can't imagine, and it's through that self-hate that he tries to express love, which is why it comes out in daggers. He sees you as an object, a bit character in the saga of his life. Be careful that you don't allow yourself to think of yourself in the same way.

 

Question: If a female friend of yours told you that her boyfriend repeatedly said some of things yours is saying to you do you think you could say anything to her save for advising her to move on?

[DancingFool]

I also want to add that if he was just a young immature, insecure guy who is otherwise decent and cares and loves you, he would have dropped this topic months ago. It might have bugged him initially, but then he'd work on himself, his emotions, getting a grip on that and letting go because....well....that's what a healthy person would do. A bit of personal growth and maturing for the sake of having a healthy, happy relationship. He would NOT continue to attack you over and over and over. No sane person acts like that.

 

You are dating a grade A abuser and he enjoys doing what he is doing. I keep repeating it hoping that it finally sinks in for you because I know that it's really really hard to admit or even recognize that you are being abused. You are making all kinds of excuses and clinging on to the "good times"....except that good times are always always always followed by tears and pain. This is not what a loving, healthy relationship looks like. Please please understand this. You are caught up in the cycle of abuse. Great times, tension building (you might not feel it or sense because it's not about you), then explosion into abuse. Rinse and repeat over and over and over until you lose your mind completely and your sense of right and wrong. He is already brainwashing you constantly that right is wrong, that white is black, that the sky is really upside down. If you keep sticking around.......he will destroy you.

 

You talk about your soulmate......does your soulmate make you cry and hurt every single week? Is that what you envision when you think of your soulmate? I think not.

[somegirl313]

I also want to add that if he was just a young immature, insecure guy who is otherwise decent and cares and loves you, he would have dropped this topic months ago. It might have bugged him initially, but then he'd work on himself, his emotions, getting a grip on that and letting go because....well....that's what a healthy person would do. A bit of personal growth and maturing for the sake of having a healthy, happy relationship. He would NOT continue to attack you over and over and over. No sane person acts like that.

 

You are dating a grade A abuser and he enjoys doing what he is doing. I keep repeating it hoping that it finally sinks in for you because I know that it's really really hard to admit or even recognize that you are being abused. You are making all kinds of excuses and clinging on to the "good times"....except that good times are always always always followed by tears and pain. This is not what a loving, healthy relationship looks like. Please please understand this. You are caught up in the cycle of abuse. Great times, tension building (you might not feel it or sense because it's not about you), then explosion into abuse. Rinse and repeat over and over and over until you lose your mind completely and your sense of right and wrong. He is already brainwashing you constantly that right is wrong, that white is black, that the sky is really upside down. If you keep sticking around.......he will destroy you.

 

You talk about your soulmate......does your soulmate make you cry and hurt every single week? Is that what you envision when you think of your soulmate? I think not.

 

Thank you all for your help. My bf has actually admitted to me before that he needs professional help over this issue and has considered going to therapy. I'm not sure if I should wait for him to do so and then see how things work out or if I should just cut it loose now..

[somegirl313]

He does not "try" to make you feel horrible. He succeeds, repeatedly, with gusto. And that brings him pleasure, comfort, power. Think about the most potent emotions you feel inside this relationship and I bet "horrible" is near the top of the list. I think, without quite realizing it, you've already conditioned yourself to process "horrible" as an ingredient of "love."

 

That's your big brain working overtime to protect yourself, to make horrible feel less horrible. Because without that story—that this is somehow connected to love—the only story you have is a man who repeatedly succeeds in making you feel horrible. So your big brain, in protecting yourself with a story, is also allowing you to stay vulnerable inside a painful and corrosive reality. Stories are comforting, but when told on sinking ships they still end in suffering.

 

The people we allow ourselves to be close to become, in ways, our teachers and guides. They help us form ourselves, see ourselves, which is why we need to be careful about who we open up to. We need to learn when to go from open to closed. He is teaching you an awful version of what "love" is—and, sadly, you seem to listen to him far more than he's capable of listening to you. If a relationship is about nourishment—the emotional equivalent of eating healthy—he is teaching you to think of candy, if not anti-freeze, as fresh greens. You're already getting a little sick. Keep eating and you'll be really sick.

 

I very much liked the above sentiment that this guy is a different kind of soulmate, put into your life to teach you some invaluable lessons. I feel that way, in a sense, about the woman who cut me. I don't feel like an idiot for getting involved in her, or a victim. No ill-will. Hope she's found her way. Happy for those lessons. Someone I briefly thought could teach me what love is helped me see what it is not. In some small but essential way that probably helped prepare me to connect, healthily, to my girlfriend, just like her marriage before me helped her connect to me. Bittersweet stuff from one angle, beautiful from another. I prefer to lean on the beauty, and the truth.

 

Your "first priority" with the FWB was not getting him off or hurting your now-bf. It was you, as it should be, always. It was you doing what worked for you, best you could figure that out, at the time. A man capable of seeing women as people, rather than possessions, will understand that intuitively. He is not that kind of man. He hates himself at a magnitude that you can't imagine, and it's through that self-hate that he tries to express love, which is why it comes out in daggers. He sees you as an object, a bit character in the saga of his life. Be careful that you don't allow yourself to think of yourself in the same way.

 

Question: If a female friend of yours told you that her boyfriend repeatedly said some of things yours is saying to you do you think you could say anything to her save for advising her to move on?

 

I want to add that he knows what he’s doing to me is abusive. He admitted to it. But he doesn’t want to break up because he loves me

[boltnrun]

I want to add that he knows what he’s doing to me is abusive. He admitted to it. But he doesn’t want to break up because he loves me

 

So he booked a therapy appointment? Or he SAID he's "considering therapy" but hasn't actually made a call?

 

How long ago did he say he's "considering therapy"?

 

And he admits he's abusive but you still don't think he is?

[Wiseman2]

Ok google signs of abusive relationships as well as red flags for abusers. You're not ready to leave yet. You're still in the "we're soulmates and he loves me but he just gets angry, is misunderstood" etc stage. You may even need a few trips to the ER before you decide that your great love won't fix him.

 

Maybe he'll break some of your stuff first or punch walls or follow you around a little. May then he'll kill your pets or isolate some more. Abuse is not a one time thing. He doesn't love you. Tormenting and degrading you is enjoyable to him otherwise he wouldn't do it. Abuse is not about anger.

 

No, he's not misunderstood any more than slave owners who whipped their slaves into submission for their own selfish sadistic needs. He is no different. This is just dressed up as a relationship. He does not love you. That is your fantasy and the hook he uses to have fun hurting you.

I want to add that he knows what he’s doing to me is abusive. He admitted to it. But he doesn’t want to break up because he loves me

[Hollyj]

I want to add that he knows what he’s doing to me is abusive. He admitted to it. But he doesn’t want to break up because he loves me

 

He does not love you! He likes to hurt you! Why does he have to break up? Dump him, and then block and delete!

 

If this were happening to your best friend, what would you advise her?

[somegirl313]

So he booked a therapy appointment? Or he SAID he's "considering therapy" but hasn't actually made a call?

 

How long ago did he say he's "considering therapy"?

 

And he admits he's abusive but you still don't think he is?

 

He hasn't booked an appointment yet, but he's mentioned it about a few times now. The last time was maybe about a month ago. I am only now recognizing his behavior as abuse...I never once thought he would intentionally hurt me. I just thought he was in so much pain over this that he couldn't bare it, so he lashes out on me. Like it's something he can't help

[Hollyj]

He hasn't booked an appointment yet, but he's mentioned it about a few times now. The last time was maybe about a month ago. I am only now recognizing his behavior as abuse...I never once thought he would intentionally hurt me. I just thought he was in so much pain over this that he couldn't bare it, so he lashes out on me. Like it's something he can't help

 

That is ridiculous! What is there to be in pain over? You were not together. If it wasn't this, he would find something else.

Don't you realize that this is a pattern for him? How many other people have told him that he is abusive?

[bluecastle]

Thank you all for your help. My bf has actually admitted to me before that he needs professional help over this issue and has considered going to therapy. I'm not sure if I should wait for him to do so and then see how things work out or if I should just cut it loose now..

 

No.

 

Imagine I have a broken leg when you and I start falling in love. I "admit" to you that I need surgery and am "considering" going to a hospital. But, hey, in the meantime, would you mind carrying me around while I wail? The "in the meantime" goes from being a week to nine months, as my leg just gets worse and carrying me around gets worse for you. "I know I need help," I occasionally still "admit." That's just me using my awareness of my broken leg to enable you to keep carrying me—and so long as you do I will never, ever go to the hospital. Being carried is too nice. That's really what I'm into, and into with you, not fixing my leg.

 

Make sense?

 

Sure, somewhere in there he probably genuinely sees the problem and wouldn't mind it going away, just as most every junkie genuinely wants to get clean. But you know who the junkie never gets clean for? His dealer. And you, in this dynamic, are his dealer. It sucks, I know. But it's how it goes, has gone. Nothing you have together "works" without this cycle, so there is no real motivation to change it. This is you plus him.

 

It's not like you were married for 10 years to someone who was sober, built your love on that plane, then things took a nosedive when he relapsed. Then, sure, you can tough it out "wait" while he goes to rehab so you can get back to your true foundation. In this case the dynamic you're hoping to create has never existed, not really. Poison powers the ship, so why would he want to treat it? He'll pay some lip service to that, but if he wanted to treat it he would treat it.

 

You can tell yourself the same story he tells: that he doesn't want to breakup because he loves you. He probably means that when he says it. Doesn't change the damaging, demeaning, spirit-destroying brand of love he offers you, nor does it change what absorbing that love does to you. Love is a real thing, but it's also just a word. I think you are both applying the definition of that word to something that is not love.

[DancingFool]

Thank you all for your help. My bf has actually admitted to me before that he needs professional help over this issue and has considered going to therapy. I'm not sure if I should wait for him to do so and then see how things work out or if I should just cut it loose now..

 

Has considered.....believe it or not, that's a manipulative tactic on his part. At that moment, he might have been concerned you might dump him, so he had to secure you. So a vague promise, admission, idea - basically feeding you some hope so you stay for more abuse. If he was serious, he would have gone long ago, worked on himself, gotten it out of his system. What he wouldn't be doing is beating you up over his "problem". Again, that's giving him the greatest benefit of the doubt possible. However......

 

It's not just this issue, it's his overall personality. IF he were to actually decide that who he is is not working for him and go to therapy for real, then two things. One is that it takes 1-2 years of concentrated counseling, therapy and hard work to actually rewire his brain and for some even longer and for some it never works out. Two is that he has to be single and completely focused on the therapy and nothing else really. A relationship would actually serve to keep him as is and keep him falling back into old bad thought/behavior patterns. It's a bit like treating addiction - you can't quit while you keep getting high. You simply don't get to take heroin into rehab.

 

So, do you sit around and wait for that for years with an uncertain outcome? No. You need to walk away from this and stop enabling his behavior. He needs consequences if he is ever going to actually go to therapy for real. Doubtful, btw. People like him deep down don't believe they are wrong. Which means you need to walk away for real. Go live your life and take some serious lessons from this. Why did you put up with such terrible treatment when you have enough sense to know you didn't do anything wrong? You've got some thinking and cleaning up of your own to do.

 

If you do leave him though, expect massive drama. Tears, promises, begging, pleading, running to a therapist, rage, etc. A full blown anything goes tantrum. Please do not confuse this with love and caring. What this is about is losing control over you and doing whatever it takes to regain control and if you take him back....he will punish you for trying to walk away....make no mistake about this. Dump him, and immediately block him from everything. Ask your friends not to speak to him either or play mediator.

 

I know it's easy for posters here to see the massive danger signs and how difficult it is for you to process this. I hope you find what it takes to leave him and grasp that happy relationships aren't like this and a good man will never ever make you cry.

[Hollyj]

How much time do you spend with friends outside of him? Does he like your friends?

[boltnrun]

He hasn't booked an appointment yet, but he's mentioned it about a few times now. The last time was maybe about a month ago. I am only now recognizing his behavior as abuse...I never once thought he would intentionally hurt me. I just thought he was in so much pain over this that he couldn't bare it, so he lashes out on me. Like it's something he can't help

 

So he's BS-ing you so you'll stick around and take more abuse. He has zero intention of following through with therapy or he would have made the call by now.

 

He can "help it", but he's not going to stop doing something that gives him so much pleasure and that you encourage. Yes, you encourage it by saying "I love you" when he abuses you and by not leaving him. And he gets his ego fed when you cry, beg and plead.

 

Abusers abuse because they like it. That's the ugly truth their partners don't want to face.

 

I saw something on Dr. Phil this morning that applies to your situation... He said "no one is going to stop doing something that you enable."

[Wiseman2]

If friends/the cops came to the door he can turn it off and on light a light switch. Does he "lash out" at his friends, family, boss? No of course not. He's even got you feeling sorry for him.

 

Why waste your life away being a punching back for this ass? There are many many more decent men out there than there are abusers.

He hasn't booked an appointment yet, but he's mentioned it about a few times now. The last time was maybe about a month ago. I am only now recognizing his behavior as abuse...I never once thought he would intentionally hurt me. I just thought he was in so much pain over this that he couldn't bare it, so he lashes out on me. Like it's something he can't help

[somegirl313]

How much time do you spend with friends outside of him? Does he like your friends?

 

Pretty frequent. At least once or twice a week I would say. I spend most of my time with him though. He does like my friends, they get along.

[boltnrun]

Pretty frequent. At least once or twice a week I would say. I spend most of my time with him though. He does like my friends, they get along.

 

What do your friends think of his abusive behavior?

[somegirl313]

What do your friends think of his abusive behavior?

 

They haven't recognized it as abuse just yet because I don't tell them everything, like how I cry and he just sits and watch. They do side with me on this though and think he is being extremely irrational as I was technically single when I slept with the FWB. They tell me there's nothing I can do at this point

[Wiseman2]

Cut your losses.

we have been together for 9 months now, and my bf brings this same issue up every. single. week.

[somegirl313]

He does not love you! He likes to hurt you! Why does he have to break up? Dump him, and then block and delete!

 

If this were happening to your best friend, what would you advise her?

 

He has considered dumping me over this before because he said what I did is just so "god damn disrespectful." In all honesty if this was happening to my best friend, I would probably advise her to leave the guy as well. It's just so much easier said than done, especially when you're still in love with him...or at least the idea of him

[boltnrun]

They haven't recognized it as abuse just yet because I don't tell them everything, like how I cry and he just sits and watch. They do side with me on this though and think he is being extremely irrational as I was technically single when I slept with the FWB. They tell me there's nothing I can do at this point

 

So you do know it's abuse or you wouldn't be hiding the full truth from your friends.

 

And I always sigh when people say "it's not that easy!!!" Who said it would be easy??? But it's the right thing to do. Unless you want a lifetime of this.

[somegirl313]

So you do know it's abuse or you wouldn't be hiding the full truth from your friends.

 

And I always sigh when people say "it's not that easy!!!" Who said it would be easy??? But it's the right thing to do. Unless you want a lifetime of this.

 

I think I am just oblivious and indenial to the fact that someone who I thought was my knight in shining armor would hurt me..This guy has helped me through so much emotionally. He let me confide in him after my breakup and was there for me, always willing to listen and give me advice, no matter if it was at 2 in the morning or in the middle of the day while he's at work. I wholeheartedly believe we're a good pair for each other despite this issue that we can't seem to agree with each other on. I really want to show him all these responses that I'm getting so he can see that he's wrong. He really won't believe that he's in the wrong, no matter what I tell him.

[Wiseman2]

That is a horrible idea. Now you are on the offensive and trying to prove something, why? Plus now he will insist you stop getting support here. He will not like the fact that you wanted to use this forum as your judge and jury.

I really want to show him all these responses that I'm getting so he can see that he's wrong.

[somegirl313]

That is ridiculous! What is there to be in pain over? You were not together. If it wasn't this, he would find something else.

Don't you realize that this is a pattern for him? How many other people have told him that he is abusive?

 

That's exactly what I keep telling him, that we weren't together at the time. His response is "You knew exactly what I wanted, you knew exactly what my feelings for you were, yet you still went and hopped on his d*** before considering my feelings about it." He really believes that we were "dating" at the time, but I have never even kissed or had sex with him at the time. A hug at most. I dodged his kisses.

[somegirl313]

That is a horrible idea. Now you are on the offensive and trying to prove something, why? Plus now he will insist you stop getting support here. He will not like the fact that you wanted to use this forum as your judge and jury.

 

He doesn't believe that he's wrong. When I tell him we weren't together, he starts thinking that I'm trying to "twist" his views