Jump to content


Recommended Posts

Hi I am looking for some advice possibly from someone who is in or has been in a similar situation to me in the past.


I have been with my partner for 3 years and our life is almost perfect apart from one niggling matter that comes up alot when we have a drink.. mostly on my part. a year ago i found out he had been messaging a girl from his past behind my back, telling her she looked amazing etc. i believe thats all it was as he has promised me this. and to most people i guess this is nothing to worry about. but i do. all the time.


before i met my oh i was in a relationship for 10 years with somone who treated me very badly. he was controlling and abusive and he cheated on me multiple times.


i have been to cbt counselling because of this but i am not sure if it has worked for me.


i just cant get this betrayal of trust out of my head. i know to most it will seem very petty on my part.


any advice on how i get past this will be grratly appreciated... be as brutal as u like ... tia xxx

Link to comment

Well, you've said that your relationship is almost perfect and that the incident happened a year ago. You've been together for three years, and you're obsessing over one indiscretion? How can that be helpful to your relationship? Has he ever given you any other cause to doubt his love for you?

Link to comment

well, to me it does not seem petty at all.


we will never know everything our partner does, nor will our partner always behave in ways with which we are comfortable. Sometimes, relationships go through a painful period, and then heal and enjoy a reunion phase and so forth.


Trust comes from within, that you trust your assessment of his character and that you trust yourself to be resilient enough to recover should you feel pain.


His texting someone else is, in a sense, a separate issue.

Link to comment

If it doesn't make you feel good, just follow your gut instincts. In the end it matters only what you think and what you believe. If you can't rest at ease regarding your partner's ongoings and whereabouts, the probability is that you do not trust him.


Lack of trust generally leads to many problems and relationships are best functional with established trust or unbroken trust. If that trust is broken you have a decision to make: 1) repair the relationship together (it will take two) or 2) end it and move on.

Link to comment

It’s a decision, IMO. Right now you are stuck in a state of indecisiveness.


Picture yourself at the crossroads in the woods.


You can decide to trust and take path A. You can never know if that path leads off a cliff. No one can see into the future. You can only make your assessment off of what you see now. This path has it’s risks and rewards.


Otherwise, you can choose path B. You decide it’s too risky and you simply break up with him. This path may or may not ALSO lead off a cliff. There is no way of knowing.


I think your fear stems from the fear of making the wrong decision. Here’s the thing, though... we are all human and we all have to make decisions. Some are going to be right. Some are going to be wrong. You can’t beat yourself up over all the wrong ones. It’s not productive. All we can do is our best based on the information we have at the time.


The only way forward, IMO, is to make a decision and move forth with confidence. Time may prove it to be right - or wrong - but there is nothing you can do about that. Give yourself permission not to be perfect and to make mistakes. Be kinder to yourself. I’m sure you would not judge others as harshly as you judge yourself.


That’s my advice. Make a decision. Don’t second guess it. Move forth with confidence regardless of the path you take. It’s the only way, IMO.

Link to comment
a year ago i found out he had been messaging a girl from his past behind my back, telling her she looked amazing etc.
Why would someone keep messages on his phone from a year ago.. good grief???? Whoops sorry, read that wrong.


Anyway: If he hasn't messaged her since then I don't think you have anything to worry about particularly now that he knows that it is a romantic relationship boundary to be messaging other women and telling them how amazing they look.


He has stopped messaging her right? This did take place over a year ago, right?

Link to comment

Why not get together and decide not to drink too much. It seems to bring out the worst in both of you.

I have been with my partner for 3 years and our life is almost perfect apart from one niggling matter that comes up alot when we have a drink..


and he says he was drunk when he sent it.

Link to comment

You partner messages a girl from his past behind your back, telling her she looked amazing. I wouldn't trust him anymore. He's betraying your trust and he's deceitful.


What he did is a deal breaker.


I prefer to have a partner whom I could trust if my life depended on him.


There is something sneaky about your partner. I couldn't continue being with him knowing what I know. However, that's just me. Perhaps you're different.

Link to comment
No he hasnt messaged her since. It took place over a year ago and i have been struglling with it ever since. i love my boyfriend very much so i thought this would be enough to get past it. But i cant


Then let him go.


A few good lessons here for you -- I don't mean lessons as in learning from your mistakes. Not at all. I mean, growing into someone who will attract and retain the relationship you seem to want.


To get what you want, you have to be ready to walk away from what you have. Either you want it or you don't.


To get someone who is transparent, and who doesn't need the affirmation of other women, you need to be honest too -- that means, owning these feelings about his drunk texting, and owning your right to choose to walk away.


He did not do anything wrong. Or he did. Its not for you to say.


What he did is something you wouldnt do, and something you wouldn't want your bf to do, and it suggests you two are in different places or have different value systems. You want something serious and you want to know each of you will draw a fence around it and protect it. He won't, so he isn't your guy.

Link to comment

Well, you have trust issues from the previous relationship brought into this one. And his text does not help.


If the counseling is not working, there is a saying - get a second opinion...... talk to some other counselors.......find one who is skilled in this area. Tell them you have "Trust Issues". Yes, it's a real mental issue, very well known.

Link to comment
perfect apart from one niggling matter that comes up alot when we have a drink.. mostly on my part.


Ehhh, be honest with yourself. You're the one who brings it up, not 'mostly,' but always, unless BF is stupid or manipulative enough to want to keep this alive. Right?


So explain this better. What, exactly, do you say when you resurrect this to BF? How does he respond? Is he patient and reassuring, or does he sigh, groan, or otherwise tell you that you were both having fun, and now you're ruining a great night or afternoon with the same old song?


There's a difference between thoughts and behaviors. It's one thing to hold insecurities and to know the source of one of those--that's internal. It's another thing to sabotage your relationship by raising something from the past that BF is powerless to change today. So you get to decide whether YOUR behavior is something you're willing to work out with a therapist as you move forward into the future with the BF by remaining in the present, OR, whether you want to erode your relationship and bring about the destruction of it by continually using it as a weapon of harm.


Healthy couples can repair their relationship after an indiscretion because they've made the choice to be on the same side to support one another--and they behave that way. You get to decide whether you want to behave as a healthy partner while you work through your insecurities on your own. Another option is to see whether BF will attend couple's counseling with you so that a professional can help you gain any assurances from BF that you don't believe you've gotten from him so far. But your current behavior is the opposite of healthy 'work,' it pits you against your BF as an adversary, leaving him nowhere to go--but out.


It's a decision. Choose wisely.

Link to comment


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...