Drinking in relationship

[Hollyj]

I know I couldn’t be with someone who drank daily. I just can’t because it becomes a “ coping “ mechanism and the money waste would emotionally kill me.

 

I agree. Five days a week, is a lot.

 

Do you drink on your days off?

[Billie28]

I see no problem with having a few beers after work.

Unfortunately your boyfriend does.

 

It seems neither of you want to compromise.

And honestly I’m not sure what a good compromise would be.

It certainly doesn’t sound like your couple of beers interferes with yours or his daily life except for the mere fact that he doesn’t like it.

 

I rarely suggest counselling but in this case I think maybe couples counseling might help?

[ThatwasThen]

I think a good compromise would be that he deals with his inner self with the help of alanon and she stop drinking every day of the week if that is what she is doing. If that's not suitable then there is always the door and a chance to pound them back at will without the critique and he can find a tea-toter

[Liam98]

If you drink tea every day, it is addictive, you can do anything, but if you do it day by day, it becomes a ritual and becomes a habit.

 

If every day you drink a certain amount of beer is addictive. A glass of wine as an example, gives the benefit to the body and it is really useful for many reasons, a glass of beer is different.

 

For example, drinking 2 bottles of beer a week is normal, the body does not get used to it :)

[Wiseman2]

Find out for yourself by researching 'problem drinking', 'heavy drinking', 'binge drinking' and 'alcoholism'. See if any of the signs, symptoms, problems, etc pertain to you.

 

Especially if it is creating conflict and people are telling you "you have a problem" and you heavily use rationalizations such as "only after work" or "same as a glass wine with dinner" or "I'm not driving". Stop arguing with your bf about what is/isn't alcoholism/problem drinking and do your own research.

I have a beer or two 5 days a week. it causing a problem in an otherwise good relationship. I just don't know if it's me or if it's his childhood that's causing the problem.

[catfeeder]

Yes, I have. I've gone extended periods of time without but then the day I do.....bam. Well, that day or the day after he makes comments about it.

 

What happens when he makes a comment? Does it start a fight, or do you let it pass? Has he threatened to leave you because of it?

 

I guess I dont think I should have to give it up completely because the smell brings him back to his childhood. He's 45 not 20. Isn't it time to deal with his demons? Is it wrong that I feel that way?

 

Why does he need to be exposed to the smell, when you can just brush your teeth before he comes home?

 

As with smoking, vaping or weed, where a substance is legal and consumed by an adult, nobody else gets a vote--unless the substance impacts THEM. If BF hasn't needed to deal with you drunk, and you're willing to curb his exposure to the smell, I'd use his next comment as an opportunity to negotiate where you both stand on the issue. There's a difference between having a drinking problem versus someone else having a problem with your drinking. While you can't impose your expectation that he 'deals with his demons,' he can't impose an expectation on you to cater to them. So ask him if he's willing to meet you in the middle--and then negotiate between you where that middle can be.

[katrina1980]

>>There's a difference between having a drinking problem versus someone else having a problem with your drinking.

 

Catfeeder, your advice was amazing. All of it, the entire post.

 

Have you ever considered becoming a therapist?

 

You've been blessed a gift.

[reinventmyself]

 

Have you ever considered becoming a therapist?

 

You've been blessed a gift.

 

I often wonder if she is :)

[CountryCat]

Clinically speaking, when you'd be considered an alcoholic depends on a range of factors, the amount of which you consume (at least anywhere near your levels) surprising to many is not being a strong criterion. Someone who only needs two beers to catch a buzz, only drinks those two beers once a week, but simply can't function that one evening a week without them would be an alcoholic. Some people drink double-digit units weekly and are perfectly healthy, physically and mentally.

 

That's not a PSA for people to go hog-wild as I consider alcohol much more potentially dangerous than half the **** that's restricted, but unless he can point out an aspect of your drinking which is demonstrably detrimental beyond you having had two that night, I'm not a fan of him calling you an alcoholic, even if just colloquially. I'm not exonerating you either, though. I don't know you or to what extent these beers do or don't affect you.

 

THAT SAID, you kinda know what you got into. This is gonna be a trigger for this guy. As someone who appreciates partaking more than some others, I can say I wouldn't choose someone with that kind of family history and who's particularly wary of it. It so happens both my wife and I have an alcoholic parent. It serves as more of having an ingrained hard-stop at a certain point than it does a deep-rooted fear. But that's not all people. Were I to choose your guy, I'd at the very least be ready for the moment it may well come time to compromise. I know that puts a lot on you, but you're the one here posting. If I could talk to him, I'd let him know for as understandable as his triggers may be, they're on him to handle. And if someone who drinks as often as you do but for whom the drinking isn't tangibly detrimental to your lifestyle, he's got just as much responsibility to take it or leave it.

 

Regardless, this is a fork in the road, and I wouldn't put off discussing how you two can agree on a path to go down.

 

On a personal and preachy note, like I said-- I like a buzz. I don't need it and cherish the majority of my life which is absent toxins in my system all the same. But it's a nice feeling. Still,

This is excellent for me. Thank you

[CountryCat]

Not a fight but he gets withdrawn, guiet and angry almost. In a day or so we have a discussion.

 

He had never had to take care of me drunk.

 

I have brushed my teeth before he gets home....showered too. He insists he can smell it through my pores.

 

Great advice and I thank you.

[CountryCat]

And yes, he has talked about splitting up over it.

[Camber 2019]

I understand that. Then what you do is leave, walk away and find someone who doesn't drink or drinks less.

 

Not attempt to control, or change your partner to soothe your own anxieties about it.

 

That's just wrong imo.

 

And like I said, even if OP were to cut back on her two beers, what's next?

 

Guy has got control issues, that's the problem.

 

Well, it's nice to see someone not jumping on the "You have a drinking problem" wagon! Seems a bit judgmental, but that's just MHO..

 

If he is not happy with your casual drinking, you need to move on. If you were drunk most nights, then he would have a valid concern!

[bluecastle]

Given that you've been together for 5 years I'm wondering when this became an issue.

 

Has your drinking changed in that time? Has his? Has something happened in his life to cause stress? Has the relationship been stressed in ways that don't have anything to do with alcohol?

 

Assuming your drinking has been pretty much the same since the beginning, I'm genuinely wondering how you've managed to be together for so long. With the sensitivity you're describing—smelling two beers "through your pores" after brushing your teeth and showering—this sounds like something that would have reared its head pretty early.

[Capricorn3]

I have brushed my teeth before he gets home....showered too. He insists he can smell it through my pores..

That's because you CAN smell the alcohol. Having a shower and brushing teeth doesn't magically make it disappear. The alcohol smell still lingers for many hours after you stopped drinking - you can smell it on their breath (and yes, through their pores too). I'm surprised people actually believe that brushing their teeth and having a shower makes it disappear.

[ThatwasThen]

That's because you CAN smell the alcohol. Having a shower and brushing teeth doesn't magically make it disappear. The alcohol smell still lingers for many hours after you stopped drinking - you can smell it on their breath (and yes, through their pores too). I'm surprised people actually believe that brushing their teeth and having a shower makes it disappear.

 

Very true! ^^^

 

Op: I reiterate about Alanon. Would he be willing to go to meetings to help him come to terms with his past, to help him nurture his inner child, to make him accept that one can drink and not be an alcoholic?

[catfeeder]

Has your drinking changed in that time? ...Assuming your drinking has been pretty much the same since the beginning, I'm genuinely wondering how you've managed to be together for so long. With the sensitivity you're describing—smelling two beers "through your pores" after brushing your teeth and showering—this sounds like something that would have reared its head pretty early.

 

Great point, BC. OP, if your drinking has been consistent since the start, then it's not the problem, and I'd gently call that out to ask him what the 'real' problem has become. I'd give him the time and space to come up with that answer--and I'd consider whether this has become his attention-seeking device. If you believe so, address THAT by giving him more of what you believe that he wants.

[katrina1980]

Agree with cat and blue, five years together, and this has only now become an issue for him?

 

Something's not jiving.

[abitbroken]

i may be the lone person with this opinion --

 

but often people get into relationships with others where everythig is 90% fine and they say "oh we are in love, being different faiths/radically different heights/something else" is no big deal. or "i should be okay with someone having a drink because everyone does it" and then a few years later they realize it *is* indeed a problem. Or maybe he really liked you and he did his best

 

Honestly, if everything else about this relationship was good, i would work on expanding my "relaxation toolbox". A friend of mine is a wine drinker. She used to have a glass to unwind and the a medical situation happened where she was unable to drink at all. She learned a few things about herself -- why was she getting so stress that she needed to drink? And she found that having a few minutes alone, a leisurely path, a walk, putting on the earbuds and listening to music, getting a massage and reading were also things that helped her "unwind."

Now she CAN have a glass of wine again, but she hardly has one. She occasionally will to try something new at a dinner or once in awhile, but it is no longer her ritual.

 

If you love this man, instead of "oh, no he is controlling!" why not work on putting a few more things in your "relax and unwind" toolbox. Just give them a try. TWO beers every single day between 2-6 pm is a ritual for you -- why not try going to a stretching class after work before he goes home, a painting class, taking a walk, getting a massage every few weeks, or reading a book? Just to see --- you have nothing to lose. Or chat with a friend. Depending if you are an introvert or extrovert. Or garden.

 

if this guy is a guy you want to be with, i think giving up having 2 beers EVERY SINGLE DAY is worth giving up. I mean, have a beer occasionally or have a drink socially, you don't have to give it up completely. but if this guy had to live through coming home every day to his parents drinking and it affected his whole life -- why not give just a little bit? I mean, you will grow as a person to get other things in your toolbox.

 

Give it a try.

[itsallgrand]

Is this a newer routine for you? Has anything changed? Did you two discuss earlier on your expectations around drinking?

 

Speaking personally, I too am sensitive to every day or excessive drinking. Its just not something I want in my life, with the people I choose to be close with. The bf and I talked about this fairly early on, and again when we moved in together. I would be very uncomfortable with near every day drinking, even if it's one beer. Some may see it as moderate, but for me, it's too much space alcohol is given.

A drink here and there is very different from habitual use.

 

If your long day ends at 2, I'm guessing you are doing very early hours and probably on your feet. Maybe he's noticing a change you aren't. Are you exhausted and stretched thin all the time? Is that why a beer sounds so good at 3 pm?

Not even judging, but I don't think it's crazy he's concerned.

 

By the way, any kids in the picture ?

[Wiseman2]

Are there other problems? Is he using this point to address for example your appearance, moods, attitudes, energy level, libido, participation in the relationship? Reflect and think through why, exactly, he thinks it's such a problem?

The other day he called me an alcoholic for the 3rd or 4th time because I enjoy having a beer or 2 after my long day.