I screwed up big time. Will he ever forgive me?

[Hollyj]

I really don’t understand at that point where all the anger was coming from. He seemed to think that I wanted to much after four months of seeing each other once every second week but we lived together for years and talked over the five years so in my mind you either want to progress the relp like you originally said or you don’t. Maybe I am unreasonable

you just keep on repeating the same thing, over and over. .

[Hollyj]

Ya I don’t get it.

 

You chose not to. He does not respect or love you and is abusuve. It's that simple. Damn! You couldn't even tell your mother or friends you were back together. What does that say?

[charis32]

Then why bother spending and hour on bus to come see me and buy me expensive gifts for Xmas and Valentine’s Day. Seems like a waste if he doesn’t have any of those feelings

[Hollyj]

I'm done! You have shown a complete lack of respect for all of us who have tried to help you.

 

Good luck!

[charis32]

I’m sorry how have I shown you a lack of respect. I was just trying to understand

[charis32]

Cripes I even piss strangers off in forums. I give up

[browneyedgirl36]

Cripes I even piss strangers off in forums. I give up

 

Well, it's not that you're "pissing people off," per se, it's more that it's really hard to help people who don't want to help themselves.

 

This guy is abusive -- mentally and verbally at least -- and you keep trying to fix/change him and work things out with him. That suggests co-dependency, which definitely would benefit from therapy, but it would also benefit from getting away from this guy (who clearly triggers your co-dependence) and just doing a lot of soul-searching. Ask yourself these questions: Why don't I think I deserve better? (You may THINK you think you do, but you're not acting like you do.) What am I actually gaining from this relationship? Why do I hang onto someone/something that causes me so much distress?

 

You've done a lot of talking about HIM in this thread, but the person you really need to focus on is YOU -- why you keep letting this go on, why you don't just cut him loose, what motivates you to stay stuck instead of moving forward. I've been there. I wasted nearly 6 years of my life one someone who was not worth even ONE SECOND of my time or one ounce of my emotional energy. Yeah, he wasn't a great guy, and we weren't a good match at all, but he wasn't really the problem (even though he could be a colossal jerk at times and was mentally/emotionally abusive); the problem was ME and what was making me stick around and put up with his crap rather than letting him go (which I finally did, and my life almost immediately improved dramatically.)

 

Staying stuck is a choice. Moving forward is also a choice, but it requires a lot more effort. It isn't easy, but it is worthwhile. You can't help him. Help yourself instead.

[katrina1980]

That was how the fight started I asked why he hasn’t told his family bc he introduced me quite early on last time and I was wondering if his feelings were different this time. His response was “do you think I give a flying f**k who you tell about me. I don’t give a single f**k so why do you care so much.” Then he made an excuse about he doesn’t see his family much and he doesn’t have me to his place bc it’s tiny. I think he was hiding me bc he didn’t think we would work out and didn’t want to have to explain to them why not.

 

I am appalled at how he speaks to you. Over and above all the "f*ck offs" posted earlier, which are debasing and degrading on their own, the tone and language he uses (see above) is simply atrocious!

 

And it boggles the mind that you seem to think it's okay, standard stuff from your boyfriend. It's NOT!!

 

He sounds like the absolute bottom of the barrel and again wonder how you could possibly be okay with this. Even going to so far as to ask us if HE will ever forgive you.

 

Where was he raised "Dog Patch USA"? Low low class, lowest of the low imo.

 

But hell if you're okay with it, then who am I to judge? To each his/her own, there is someone for everyone as they say.

 

Wish you the best.

[charis32]

He wasn’t always like this at least I don’t remember him talking to me like this in the past. Since we got back together this was the first time. You guys are right though. It’s weird bc his parents and brother are so nice, wonder where he learned it from

[Honeycomb8]

Dump him and stay way. Noone should talk to you like that. Expect better.

[charis32]

Umm he already dumped and likely blocked me.

[boltnrun]

You think he’s smart for leaving me? Someone that is willing to make changes so the relationship could be healthy.

 

Yes because he knows you two are toxic together and are unlikely to change. Maybe he's tired of toxicity in his life...as you should be.

 

Instead it's "how can I convince him to 'forgive' me and come back to more? It will be DIFFERENT this time!!!"

 

Except, it won't because neither of you has done a thing to adjust this toxic dynamic.

 

Please try to find a way to acceptance.

[Honeycomb8]

I hope he keeps u blocked. For your sake.

[charis32]

Well I think if he cared about me

And didn’t like the toxicity he would have tried to change to prevent it from happening again. How is he not going to be toxic in any relationship if he refuses to communicate or is it just me that he treats like this?

[katrina1980]

Well I think if he cared about me

And didn’t like the toxicity he would have tried to change to prevent it from happening again. How is he not going to be toxic in any relationship if he refuses to communicate or is it just me that he treats like this?

 

It's how you are together that's toxic.

 

Your mutual dynamic. Together.

 

Some couples are just toxic together, they bring out the absolute worst in each other!

 

You and he are that couple.

 

Stay away from each other is my best advice, this isn't gonna get better.

[boltnrun]

There you go with your "if he REALLY CARED about me he would act like a completely different person and CHANGE for me!!"

 

Doesn't that tell you everything you need to know? The right man wouldn't have to "change", wouldn't tell you to eff off and wouldn't send your anxiety sky high and compel you to text obsessively.

[bluecastle]

Well I think if he cared about me

And didn’t like the toxicity he would have tried to change to prevent it from happening again. How is he not going to be toxic in any relationship if he refuses to communicate or is it just me that he treats like this?

 

Um, who cares?

 

I don't mean that to sound cold, but this is among the most unnerving threads to unspool on this forum in a while.

 

You know why you're so obsessed with all these hypotheticals? About what if, and if only, and so on? Because without them you have only what is real and actual, which is a sh*tshow of a relationship. You have the way you actually feel right now, and have during the past few months, which is awful.

 

You guys have some history, I get it. And like most human beings on the planet you both probably like the idea of having someone to hang with, love, watch TV, laugh with and have sex with. And so you gave it another go to see if, you know, you could be those people to each other.

 

And you know what? It sucked! It really, really sucked! It turned you into an insecure wreck and it turned him into a monster. That is fact. The other stuff? That is fiction being generated by your mind to soften the fact, to try to will a terrible, toxic reality into a gooey, lovey fantasy.

 

Doesn't happen that way. Does. Not. Happen. That. Way.

 

Think of relationships as a chemistry experiment. You pour liquid A into liquid B and what happens? Sometimes it produces beautiful colors, some bubbles, a little effervescent sizzle. And sometimes it produces an explosion: a shattered beaker, chemical burns, calls to 911.

 

Now, what do you do in chemistry class when you make the explosion? You go to the eye wash, clean up, treat any injuries, and stop pouring those liquids into each other because you've learned, empirically, what happens. Too volatile. Incompatible. Bad match.

 

You two are a failed chemistry experiment. The evidence is overwhelming.

[charis32]

Yes but we were toxic before so

I would have thought he wouldn’t have come back unless he wanted to put some serious effort into making us work. He initially agreed to counselling and then never followed through. I just don’t understand how you could come back after abandoning someone before heart surgery unless you were going to put serious effort into making it work. If you don’t want to be with the person that much why come back and put us both through the misery again.

[charis32]

And it was working quite well until I asked why he hasn’t mentioned me to his family. Just before Valentine’s Day he said he was quite content

[bluecastle]

There's noting to "understand."

 

He came back because...he came back. It happens all the time, in a zillion scenarios. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

 

Whatever his thinking, I highly doubt "misery" was the goal, just as it wasn't yours.

 

But alas: it's what you got.

 

Stop focusing on him. Focus on yourself. Take minute—lots of minutes, with the therapist—to figure out why you're drawn to this, why you think you can heal a burn by placing yourself inside a fire.

 

When you get some answers it becomes less mysterious and you'll make difference choices.

[bluecastle]

And it was working quite well until I asked why he hasn’t mentioned me to his family. Just before Valentine’s Day he said he was quite content

 

No, it was not working quite well.

 

The reason you asked about why he hadn't mentioned you is because you were not confident in the relationship. You didn't trust his feelings. You did not feel good. You did not feel safe.

 

And with reason. Dude had cut you up pretty bad with the whole open heart surgery chapter.

 

Still, asking the dude who cut you up to cure you is not a wise move. You don't heal a cut with a knife. It just keeps cutting.

[purplepaisley]

You're upset that your BF hasn't told his family and friends about reconciling with you, yet you have not told your own family and friends about this reconciliation??

 

This guy sounds positively emotionally abusive in nature, and you're the one posting, so of course a lot of us are screaming "danger"! I have lived through emotional abuse, and I'm seeing red flags everywhere with this guy.

 

The thing is...I'm seeing red flags with you...I think you might be the abuser...I think you poke and prod and provoke, demand, tantrum, play games...I think that you could very well be the instigator here...and I think you need to look long and hard at your behaviors.

 

The worst of my experiences with my abusive ex...every action provoked anxiety, the judgement, and eventually I would explode..."What do you want??" and this unleashed the wrath. I learned not to scream insults, call names, insult and belittle, but when you're cornered like a trapped animal in this emotional trap, teeth and claws have a habit of coming out...is your BF responding to your attacks with teeth and claws, or is he toxic and abusive? I don't know, but I do think you need to seriously look at yourself.

 

The two of you are not working...total clash...toxicity galore. End this.

[charis32]

Interesting ideas. I was certainly guilty of that five years ago. But I honestly did want to

Discuss my concern not pick or prod or cause anxiety. I think he is quick to react bc of the past and get his back up. I certainly have never played games. I guess my excessive text messages could be seen as a tantrum. I think he perceived my attempt at communications as attacks or attempts to pick fights when I just want to talk about the concern at hands I’ve asked him if I could phrase it better but no matter how I try he always sees it as an attack and like I’m trying to fight/create drama. If anyone is anxious it’s me bc I’m worried I’ll say the wrong thing to set him off. He was even like this when I first started dating so I think it was even before me. I have also seen him react like this with other family

[charis32]

the difference is it would upset mine due to the surgery thing but would not upset his.

[boltnrun]

And yet, you want him to come back for more toxicity. Makes zero sense.

 

I hope for your sake he stays gone.