Hollyj Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Have you sought counseling for your self esteem? Link to comment
charis32 Posted March 20, 2019 Author Share Posted March 20, 2019 You’re right. I need to move on. He always said I can’t believe them bc they have my distorted view of things Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Everybody is wrong, but him. You believed this? What attracted you to an alcoholic? Link to comment
charis32 Posted March 20, 2019 Author Share Posted March 20, 2019 Well he means bc they only hear my side of story. I didn’t realize he was an alcoholic at first. He hid it well for sometime. Link to comment
charis32 Posted March 20, 2019 Author Share Posted March 20, 2019 He doesn’t drink a lot anymore as he uses pot now for his anxiety Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 He doesn’t drink a lot anymore as he uses pot now for his anxiety An addict is an addict. Link to comment
ndk Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Do him a favor and let him take care of himself, he cannot take care of him plus you , at this time. Maybe in the distant future, but def not now . To find out why you are "like this" it takes several sessions of therapy, but you already know this, from your mental health profession... Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Do him a favor and let him take care of himself, he cannot take care of him plus you , at this time. Maybe in the distant future, but def not now . To find out why you are "like this" it takes several sessions of therapy, but you already know this, from your mental health profession... Did you read the thread and how he treats her? I cannot understand how you can be advising her to give him another chance. The situation is toxic and unhealthy. Link to comment
charis32 Posted March 20, 2019 Author Share Posted March 20, 2019 So if he’s abusive why would he leave? Wouldn’t he stick around bc he has someone that will put up with it. I just feel him recognizing it is toxic and unhealthy and leaving makes him not abusive. Makes me wonder if I’m the one that has the problem bc I didn’t leave. Link to comment
ndk Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Did you read the thread and how he treats her? I cannot understand how you can be advising her to give him another chance. The situation is toxic and unhealthy.You quickly assumed. Nobody said to give him a second chance. By letting him take care of himself, don't chase him and leave him alone, that's doing him a favor Link to comment
ndk Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 An addict is an addict.Terrible stereotyping Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 "Maybe in the distant future, but def not now." Why would there be any encouragement at all? No assumptions. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Terrible stereotyping She said he had a drinking problem, and this was one of the main reasons that this close to her did not like him. What do you call it? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 So if he’s abusive why would he leave? Wouldn’t he stick around bc he has someone that will put up with it. I just feel him recognizing it is toxic and unhealthy and leaving makes him not abusive. Makes me wonder if I’m the one that has the problem bc I didn’t leave. I think there are problems on both sides. I will never understand you speaking to him after the hospital incident. I give up! If you do not care about helping yourself, then why should I. Link to comment
charis32 Posted March 20, 2019 Author Share Posted March 20, 2019 Holly. Please don’t be frustrated with me. You have really struck a chord and made me think today. In the end if my texts frustrated him he didn’t have to lash out with the verbal abuse he could have just blocked me like he has done now. I was just curious why he leave. Anyways despite what you think I have seen this in a different light and will work on forgiving myself for my part and move on. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Please get therapy. Understand why you have allowed this dynamic. Turn to your mother and friends. Reread the all of the responses to this situation. Lastly, block and delete him. Link to comment
Annia Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 When he dumped me he basically said he didn’t want a relationship that was 80 percent stress. He had enough stress at work and he didn’t need the extra heaping on top of it. He said this past month since we started fighting has been nothing but stress and misery for him. The thing I don’t get was if he didn’t want the stress and drama why didn’t he take the opportunity to talk like adults when I offered several times over the past month. I offered multiple times over the past month to talk it out and he roadblocked me. Wouldn’t the stress and drama have been resolved if he talked with me instead of continuing to fight. Abusers/toxic people don't act in a healthy way, so trying to rationalise their behaviour/understand it or question why they don't communicate a certain way or act how you'd expect would make sense, won't lead you no where. You want excuses to stay connected to this situations. You want to excuse him. You want to keep trying. You need to figure out what is it in your life that makes you so willing to stay in such toxic dynamic and what are you getting out of it. You two are not good to each other. This is not how a loving relationship should be. Someone telling to f*ck off is never acceptable. Never. A relationship should never take so much effort. I know many people romanticise the idea of staying with someone through thick and thin, on off relationships, accepting abuse and trying and trying to make them change. Well, those people stay in miserable relationships and abusive dynamics all their lives and never get to know what's like to be in a happy non dramatic relationship. You have all the information you need to make an informed decision that leads to your well being. Everything else are excuses that your addicted brain (to him and this dynamic) tries to make to keep connected to this situation. Link to comment
charis32 Posted March 20, 2019 Author Share Posted March 20, 2019 Okay I get that this is a toxic way to treat someone but couldn’t it just be an expression of hurt and frustration rather than abuse. Maybe if I gave him space instead of bombarding him with messages it would never have come to that. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 But you said he should excuse your behavior if he loves you! Now you're reversing yourself. You refuse to accept that this is an unhealthy toxic relationship. Instead you want to pretend everything would be fine if he just did whatever or if you just didn't do whatever. But neither of you has done a single thing to correct or realign your toxic behaviors. You seem categorically unable to stop yourself from obsessively texting. Saying "well, I won't do that anymore" is inadequate. If you don't find out why you won't stop. And why on earth do you want to stay in this awful relationship anyway? "But I LOVE him!!!" or "it could work if we both stop doing this and that" is not based in reality. Link to comment
charis32 Posted March 20, 2019 Author Share Posted March 20, 2019 I don’t think he should excuse it at all. I would just like another chance or at least for him to talk to me about things. The thing is we both need to change our behavior, it just can’t be me Link to comment
charis32 Posted March 20, 2019 Author Share Posted March 20, 2019 Well I wanted to know how to fix it and make it healthier and that’s why I came on here. As I said before when it’s good it’s really good. It’s just neither of us seem to approach conflict well. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Well I wanted to know how to fix it and make it healthier and that’s why I came on here. As I said before when it’s good it’s really good. It’s just neither of us seem to approach conflict well. Has he said he wants to "fix it" since this most recent breakup? Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Okay I get that this is a toxic way to treat someone but couldn’t it just be an expression of hurt and frustration rather than abuse. Maybe if I gave him space instead of bombarding him with messages it would never have come to that. No no no! There are much less toxic, non abusive ways of expressing hurt and frustration other than telling your gf to f*ck off!! Over and over. I literally cringed reading how many times he used that language with you. And you accepted it! Kept going back for more!! Again not sure where you learned this is acceptable behavior from your bf or anyone really. You say you are a mental health nurse and your patients speak this way to you, is your bf mentally ill too? Is that why you accept this from him? Serious question. Link to comment
charis32 Posted March 20, 2019 Author Share Posted March 20, 2019 Also there was several times during the fight where I said I’m not gonna text you anymore or chase you. I will respect that your done and then he re-engaged by texting me. In fact before dumping me he said he wanted to talk on phone and work things out and then was like we don’t have to wait all weekend just to disappear again. Link to comment
charis32 Posted March 20, 2019 Author Share Posted March 20, 2019 No he hasn’t spoken to me since last Wednesday. Link to comment
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