I screwed up big time. Will he ever forgive me?

[Annia]

Yes I am super insecure. But he knew that from being with me in the past and fighting over the years so why bother coming back. I was even more insecure this time bc he already shown that he could leave me in an ICU bed and not come back. I screwed up with the messaging. I guess there’s no way of salvaging it then?

 

If he left you at the ICU bed and your relationship was toxic and difficult in the past then why are you giving this relationship and new chance? "But I love him" doesn't count as explanation and is not enough to make something broken work. You already knew what kind of person he was, how insecure you get and how toxic this was. Why keep doing the same choices expecting different results?

[Rose Mosse]

I agree with Purple (page 2). He shouldn't treat you that way and I think the dynamic and mistrust in the relationship has eroded the way you both see each other as human beings. Your interactions have become crude and unnecessary. All that crudeness takes away from the love and trust that should be in a relationship. As a result, what we have, is a mixed bag of confusion, pain, bad words and bad feelings. I don't think therapy or counseling works at this point because one or both partners have emotionally checked out.

 

If you choose to reconcile with a partner again, be more adamant in reviewing what caused the issues in trust before setting out in attempting to trust each other again. I don't feel that you healed completely or at the level that you had to heal from whatever betrayals and shortcomings there were before. He wasn't the man you looked up to at the start and he continued to fail in your eyes. To him, he is constantly reminded of what a failure he is because you're never happy for long. Men don't respond well when their partners are unhappy (women in this case). I suspect he does take responsibility for his actions but being faced regularly with your unhappiness continues to remind him of his flaws and his failures as a man. Resuscitating an old relationship or a relationship from a break up takes a lot more nurturing and understanding and trust.

 

I feel he has crossed too many lines calling you names and swearing at you. He's past the point of no return when it comes to feeling like a failure around you and he can't shrug it off. You basically don't make each other feel good. I'm more for working things out and working on trust and respect when it comes to arguments and issues but I don't feel that this is helpful because you've both made big mistakes in a short amount of time and his demeanor and your demeanor and feelings are extremely negative at this point. Pushing for a good outcome in a very bad situation is not being realistic. Take the time to heal.

[LC8328]

Him cussing at you, saying mean and hurtful things, and calling you names is not going to improve the situation. You both sound equally horrible to each other, and his behavior is definitely not something you should tolerate and his treatment towards you should not be tolerated either.

 

That said, if you feel like this is mostly your fault and you caused this, at least you have some self-awareness, and you need to figure out how to stop it. Counselling might be the best idea, but certainly there are articles and self-help books that can help you as well. Self-control would be a good first step - that is, do not send angry texts. You sound downright irrational at times. It almost seems like you have these ideas in your head, and when he doesn't follow suit, you proceed to have a temper tantrum over it and accuse him of not loving you. You can't do that.

 

But it's incredibly difficult to get over harsh words and name calling. That cannot be unheard, and no amount of treating you well and apologies can erase it...but you have to try not to let it rear its ugly head...that is, if he has stopped such cruel behavior. I suspect he whips out the cruelty about every time you express a concern...even a rational concern, and even if this concern has nothing to do with him.

 

Over the five years you had minimal contact, there was a lot of fighting. This relationship seems so terribly unhealthy to me. Maybe you need to NC this guy and pursue some some self-help instead so that you can be prepared to have a healthy relationship.

 

Seconded. I don't know about you, but the man of my dreams doesn't walk around saying "eff you" to me. The man of my dreams handles my "bad times" gracefully and never punishes me for it. You deserve the same.

 

I vote for going NC.

[charis32]

Looking back at the earlier relationship five years ago he was equally as nasty when angry. I reconciled bc I was told he would go to a counselor with me and we would work on our communication problems. Then it was like let’s try the relationship for a while so we can discuss new material instead of old stuff. I think part of the reason it blew up was bc I was wondering why he wasn’t involving me in his family. I think he was terrified of seeing my family again bc when we got back together he said he was dreading it and when I told him I told my mom we got back together he made a comment like we’re they “ f**k off charlie” so I think maybe he does have a sense of failure but if that is true why hasn’t he ever apologized to me for the words used or any of it. Why does he act like he did nothing wrong and I was the . He keeps sticking to it was your paranoia and insecurities that ruined the relationship. You decided to go off the reservation like a crazy teenager with all your texts. He result is were done. It so emotionally detached and cold.

[charis32]

You know I was actually quite trusting of him when he came back and it was going well. But when I started to ask questions like why he hasn’t told anyone about me or whether he loved me is when he got angry nasty and dismissive like those were topics that could not be talked about. I think part of it was bc I asked over text but he wouldn’t talk on the phone. I would think someone that hurt you like he did would be okay with reassuring you if they wanted you back

[Hollyj]

Looking back at the earlier relationship five years ago he was equally as nasty when angry. I reconciled bc I was told he would go to a counselor with me and we would work on our communication problems. Then it was like let’s try the relationship for a while so we can discuss new material instead of old stuff. I think part of the reason it blew up was bc I was wondering why he wasn’t involving me in his family. I think he was terrified of seeing my family again bc when we got back together he said he was dreading it and when I told him I told my mom we got back together he made a comment like we’re they “ f**k off charlie” so I think maybe he does have a sense of failure but if that is true why hasn’t he ever apologized to me for the words used or any of it. Why does he act like he did nothing wrong and I was the . He keeps sticking to it was your paranoia and insecurities that ruined the relationship. You decided to go off the reservation like a crazy teenager with all your texts. He result is were done. It so emotionally detached and cold.

 

He sounds charming.

 

You need to address why you would get back with an individual like this. The first time that someone told me to f off, would be the last. You have allowed this guy to treat you like crap!

 

Do you allow this type of disrespect in all of your relationships, or just with men? What the hell attracted you to this dynamic, or thought any of this was acceptable?

 

Also, how could you continue contact when he ditched you at the hospital?

[charis32]

Honestly I didn’t mind the f**k you as long as he is communicating. It’s being discarded and ignored for my mistakes that hurts most. The unwillingness to talk things out. I just find that he was alway quick to say this isn’t working every time I asked a question. He see it as an obnoxious text rather than me just stating my anxiety and needing reassurance. When I told him that’s all it was he basically said he can’t reassure me. He told me it was my insecurity and paranoia that ruined the relationship. It seemed like he really resented me and I don’t know why you come back and buy expensive gifts if that was the case. I think he was really hurt when I said in the fight that he obviously just came back for sex and wasn’t interested in working at a relationship. I also criticized his gifts bc I was hurt by his ignoring me. I. Know my behavior is terrible. I apologized but I don’t think he believes me. I am hurting that I hurt him and that we messed this up so badly and have done so much damage

[Hollyj]

Honestly I didn’t mind the f**k you as long as he is communicating. It’s being discarded and ignored for my mistakes that hurts most. The unwillingness to talk things out. I just find that he was alway quick to say this isn’t working every time I asked a question. He see it as an obnoxious text rather than me just stating my anxiety and needing reassurance. When I told him that’s all it was he basically said he can’t reassure me. He told me it was my insecurity and paranoia that ruined the relationship. It seemed like he really resented me and I don’t know why you come back and buy expensive gifts if that was the case. I think he was really hurt when I said in the fight that he obviously just came back for sex and wasn’t interested in working at a relationship. I also criticized his gifts bc I was hurt by his ignoring me. I. Know my behavior is terrible. I apologized but I don’t think he believes me. I am hurting that I hurt him and that we messed this up so badly and have done so much damage

 

Are you serious! Has he beaten you down so much that you cannot recognize highly disrespectful behavior? This is really sad.

[katrina1980]

You know I was actually quite trusting of him when he came back and it was going well. But when I started to ask questions like why he hasn’t told anyone about me or whether he loved me is when he got angry nasty and dismissive like those were topics that could not be talked about. I think part of it was bc I asked over text but he wouldn’t talk on the phone. I would think someone that hurt you like he did would be okay with reassuring you if they wanted you back

 

To me this all besides the point.

 

The point IS when your bf constantly tells you to "f*ck off" he is verbally abusing you.

 

I lost count of how many times he said it, where did you learn this is acceptable in any way shape or form?

 

For me, once is enough! Done, next!

 

No matter how annoyed he is, or how obnoxious you're being, there is no justifying that.

 

Again, where did you learn its ok to stick around after that and then ask "will he ever forgive me?"

 

SMH seriously.

 

He does not respect you let alone love you, I hope you can gather the strength and self-respect to walk away from this pathetic loser.

 

I gotta say, this is one of the most toxic situations I've read on this forum.

 

I'm sorry I really am.

[Wiseman2]

You need to read up on verbal/emotional abuse. Ask your parents to take you to a doctor for a check up and a referral to a therapist to determine if you have physical or mood or other things that keep you in this place.

Honestly I didn’t mind the f**k you as long as he is communicating.

[Hollyj]

You think that you hurt him. I don't think he cares. How about keeping you a secret, not communicating with you for extended periods etc.... You need to wake up and understand that you were in an abusive situation. You need to watch people's actions.

 

I strongly suggest that you be single for at least a year, and get some professional counseling for your self esteem issues. You seem incapable of understanding that his behavior is not okay and hurtful.

[charis32]

When he dumped me he basically said he didn’t want a relationship that was 80 percent stress. He had enough stress at work and he didn’t need the extra heaping on top of it. He said this past month since we started fighting has been nothing but stress and misery for him. The thing I don’t get was if he didn’t want the stress and drama why didn’t he take the opportunity to talk like adults when I offered several times over the past month. I offered multiple times over the past month to talk it out and he roadblocked me. Wouldn’t the stress and drama have been resolved if he talked with me instead of continuing to fight.

[Hollyj]

You still did not respond regarding him disappearing while at the hospital?

[Hollyj]

When he dumped me he basically said he didn’t want a relationship that was 80 percent stress. He had enough stress at work and he didn’t need the extra heaping on top of it. He said this past month since we started fighting has been nothing but stress and misery for him. The thing I don’t get was if he didn’t want the stress and drama why didn’t he take the opportunity to talk like adults when I offered several times over the past month. I offered multiple times over the past month to talk it out and he roadblocked me. Wouldn’t the stress and drama have been resolved if he talked with me instead of continuing to fight.

 

Good God! Let this go. You are refusing to see the big picture: you were in an abusive an unhealthy relationship. You are not compatible and it is highly unhealthy. Get some help for your self.

 

Block and delete him!

[charis32]

He showed up to ICU inebriated and never came back bc he was so ashamed. He had apologized multiple times over the years and I feel people make mistakes and if they are truly sorry and want to put the effort in then it’s worth forgiving them.

[charis32]

So the abuser has enough insight to see it as unhealthy and leave me? Wouldn’t he be abusive when we were getting along too?

[Hollyj]

Oh c'mon. This man feels no shame about anything.

He loved you so much that he never showed up again. Surely, you do not believe this. Yes. you can forgive, but personally, I would not have anything to do with that person again. I value myself. It's inexcusable and shows that he did not care about you.

 

I don't understand why you think so little of yourself that you have allowed this idiot to return to your life. You seem to have no boundaries or self worth. I hope that you will reread out comments and take them to heart, or you will continue living in a dramatic, toxic lifestyle.

 

Good luck!

[Hollyj]

So the abuser has enough insight to see it as unhealthy and leave me? Wouldn’t he be abusive when we were getting along too?

 

He knows exactly what he is doing. No. abusers are not nasty all the time, or their prey would leave them. You need to read up on emotional abuse.

[katrina1980]

So the abuser has enough insight to see it as unhealthy and leave me? Wouldn’t he be abusive when we were getting along too?

 

No YOU leave him!

 

Abusers can be very charming at times, that is what keeps you sticking around.

 

Anyway, again besides the point.

 

One "f*ck off" - DONE. It's called respecting yourself, loving yourself.

 

We teach people how to treat us and when you stick around after that, you are teaching him it's ok with you that he speak to you in such a disrespectful abusive atrocious way.

 

Again, where did you learn this is okay?

 

Serious question.

[Hollyj]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/traversing-the-inner-terrain/201609/when-is-it-emotional-abuse

[Hollyj]

No YOU leave him!

 

Abusers can be very charming at times, that is what keeps you sticking around.

 

Anyway, again besides the point.

 

One "f*ck off" - DONE. It's called respecting yourself, loving yourself.

 

We teach people how to treat us and when you stick around after that, you are teaching him it's ok with you that he speak to you in such a disrespectful abusive atrocious way.

 

Again, where did you learn this is okay?

 

Serious question.

 

Good question! Where did you learn that f off is okay?

[charis32]

He has left me by dumping me though and isn’t coming back. At the risk of making myself look more pathetic I sent an e-card apologizing for my part and he didn’t open it. I guess I got caught up in how I hurt him and didn’t really think he’s not apologizing for what he said to me.

[charis32]

Also he says he doesn’t treat people like this normally when. I called him

On it. He said I bring it out of people.

[charis32]

I’m a mental health nurse so I’m told to F off a lot by patients. Maybe it doesn’t seem as significant to me as a result

[Wiseman2]

He's not your patient. As easily as you are typing these responses, you could google emotional/verbal abuse.