I screwed up big time. Will he ever forgive me?

[charis32]

Ok that’s kinda mean. I want us to put the effort in to make it not toxic and learn to communicate in a loving manner. I would not want the toxic misery for either of us. That’s twisted. At this point I just want him to be happy but I’m just going through the heartbreak and upset of a relationship failure. I wish the abuse term wasn’t thrown around as much here. He gets nasty when very angry but otherwise very loving. I agree we have toxicity but if we learned to communicate better that could dissapear but maybe I’m out of touch with reality apparently

[charis32]

Also I wasn’t upset . I just wondered if he was t having same feelings bc when we first started dating he told them right away and had me over right Away. I kinda feel like he was hiding me and wasn’t into me

[boltnrun]

You aren't accepting reality.

 

According to you he has not reached out asking to reconcile or even just to talk. THAT is the reality you refuse to accept; that you can't work on a relationship when only one of the two people wants to.

[charis32]

No I realize that. In the past it usually has taken him weeks to month for him to reach out but maybe it’s best just to let it go. It seems like a lot of frustrations

[charis32]

He did reach out to talk last week but then never called or replied to my text then dumped me three days later via email.

[charis32]

I feel like this has always been our pattern. He withdraws and I try to pursue and fix. Time to just let go

[purplepaisley]

I feel like this has always been our pattern. He withdraws and I try to pursue and fix. Time to just let go

 

Ding! Ding! Ding! You win the Kewpie doll!!

 

Time to let it go.

 

I'm sorry...I know how bad this hurts.

[charis32]

Cool some of this are worth $300

[Annia]

Umm he already dumped and likely blocked me.

 

At least one thing he did right, since you don't seem to be ready to end this toxic relationship by yourself and would've continue to accept being his verbal punching bag.

[Annia]

Yes but we were toxic before so

I would have thought he wouldn’t have come back unless he wanted to put some serious effort into making us work. He initially agreed to counselling and then never followed through. I just don’t understand how you could come back after abandoning someone before heart surgery unless you were going to put serious effort into making it work. If you don’t want to be with the person that much why come back and put us both through the misery again.

 

You also came back despite the toxicity and being abandoned by him at the worst stage of his life. Maybe, like you, he also had the unrealistic hope that this time things would be different and you wouldn't be toxic for each other. But once again you became toxic and it didn't work, so at least he did the right thing by breaking up and blocking. Stop the cycle and aim for better than this.

[charis32]

It just frustrating bc you think he would expect it to take a lot of effort to change old patterns at it wouldn’t be easy. Anyone that thinks they could pop back to a perfect relationship after all that damage is delusional. I was ready to put the work in but I guess he was not.

[bluecastle]

It just frustrating bc you think he would expect it to take a lot of effort to change old patterns at it wouldn’t be easy. Anyone that thinks they could pop back to a perfect relationship after all that damage is delusional. I was ready to put the work in but I guess he was not.

 

Actually, no.

 

Relationships work because you have both "put in the work" before meeting. Doesn't mean you're both perfect, issue-free people, but that you meet on a plane where you just...function. Where things are generally calm and fun and sexy and there's space for you both to wobble and work without it being nuclear. This holds for a relationship with someone new or someone you have complicated history with.

 

It actually should be pretty easy.

 

Two of my best friends, for instance, are in marriages with people they broke up with and got back together with 5 years later. Both had real baggage, real damage, including infidelity in one. They went off, lived lives, healed, moved on, moved forward, let go, and when they got back together it was...well, pretty easy. They don't rake each other over the coals for past sins, never did. They've probably spent less than hour talking about the past. They just worked where they once did not. The voodoo and juju of life and love.

 

You're treating this whole thing like some combination of punishment and atonement—that the point in getting back together is to both address the sins of the past and be continuously punished for them. No disrespect, but that's faulty wiring. Frankly—and this is the stuff for therapy—it sounds like you kind of hate him, kind of hate yourself for being drawn to him, and want him to make that hate go away by being someone who, well, he is not. And it sounds like he has similar feelings toward you, and himself, so basically where you guys "connect" is in stirring deep reserves of self-hatred in each other. That's the toxic bind. That's where all the games come in—and, I'm sorry, but all the texting and tests are games.

 

Even when you think you're just asking for soothing you're not. You're seeking ammunition to keep that hate alive, because hate is the glue here, not love. And for all his awfulness—which is, for the record, heroic and inexcusable—he at least seems to understand that this is simply dysfunctional and unhealthy and not the way people are supposed to live.

[charis32]

Wow. That is so unfair. I am not trying to punish him for past deads. I wanted to move forward. I never even got a chance to talk to him about it bc I didn’t want to throw the past in his face. But I’m sorry I don’t know how anyone couldn’t feel insecure coming back after being abandoned and require a little extra reassurance that it won’t happen again or someone is there for the right reasons until one feels safer in the relationship.

[Hollyj]

Actually, no.

 

Relationships work because you have both "put in the work" before meeting. Doesn't mean you're both perfect, issue-free people, but that you meet on a plane where you just...function. Where things are generally calm and fun and sexy and there's space for you both to wobble and work without it being nuclear. This holds for a relationship with someone new or someone you have complicated history with.

 

It actually should be pretty easy.

 

Two of my best friends, for instance, are in marriages with people they broke up with and got back together with 5 years later. Both had real baggage, real damage, including infidelity in one. They went off, lived lives, healed, moved on, moved forward, let go, and when they got back together it was...well, pretty easy. They don't rake each other over the coals for past sins, never did. They've probably spent less than hour talking about the past. They just worked where they once did not. The voodoo and juju of life and love.

 

You're treating this whole thing like some combination of punishment and atonement—that the point in getting back together is to both address the sins of the past and be continuously punished for them. No disrespect, but that's faulty wiring. Frankly—and this is the stuff for therapy—it sounds like you kind of hate him, kind of hate yourself for being drawn to him, and want him to make that hate go away by being someone who, well, he is not. And it sounds like he has similar feelings toward you, and himself, so basically where you guys "connect" is in stirring deep reserves of self-hatred in each other. That's the toxic bind. That's where all the games come in—and, I'm sorry, but all the texting and tests are games.

 

Even when you think you're just asking for soothing you're not. You're seeking ammunition to keep that hate alive, because hate is the glue here, not love. And for all his awfulness—which is, for the record, heroic and inexcusable—he at least seems to understand that this is simply dysfunctional and unhealthy and not the way people are supposed to live.

Bottom line: she should never have allowed him back after the hospital incident. He displayed his lack of feelings and respect, then.

 

This is a dysfunctional pairing and they both need therapy for different issues.

[charis32]

Hollyj your absolutely right. I guess I forgot how much pain that caused me and I thought apologies were enough but when it comes down to it someone who cares about you couldn’t do that and likely wouldn’t dump you by email in between work meetings. I will be starting therapy next week. Thanks for talking sense into me and for your patience. He might not be abusive but he doesn’t treat me well and that should be reason enough to let go.

[Hollyj]

Hollyj your absolutely right. I guess I forgot how much pain that caused me and I thought apologies were enough but when it comes down to it someone who cares about you couldn’t do that and likely wouldn’t dump you by email in between work meetings. I will be starting therapy next week. Thanks for talking sense into me and for your patience. He might not be abusive but he doesn’t treat me well and that should be reason enough to let go.

 

Actually, he is abusive, and I strongly suggest you do more reading on the topic. We all see this in him, I hope that you do, sooner, than later.

 

Know that we are here for you. Please block and delete him as this is the start of your recovery. Time to stop the crazy train!

[charis32]

Could you recommend any good books?

[Hollyj]

I would suggest you check out CODA for support groups and info.

 

http://coda.org

[RayofLighten]

I recognize it’s not healthy. I just think it could have been if he communicated with me about my concerns in a supportive manner rather than shutting me down.

 

And if you didn't drive him crazy with your constant harassment. What people are forgetting her is that OP mentioned that she could get downright nasty too when she's hounding him with messages. It's not all one sided here.

[katrina1980]

And if you didn't drive him crazy with your constant harassment. What people are forgetting her is that OP mentioned that she could get downright nasty too when she's hounding him with messages. It's not all one sided here.

 

Agree Ray. They were toxic together, brought out the worst in each other.

 

Him, verbal abuse, and I forget who posted this, but OP, her own brand of abuse.

 

The toxicity bounced back and forth; they both might be completely different with different people.

[Hollyj]

And if you didn't drive him crazy with your constant harassment. What people are forgetting her is that OP mentioned that she could get downright nasty too when she's hounding him with messages. It's not all one sided here.

 

Didn't forget that at all. But, he is also abusive -which she is still choosing to ignore- and they should not be together.

 

OP, if you cannot recognize abuse you will end up with another creep like him.

 

It's a sick combo.

[katrina1980]

Didn't forget that at all. But, he is also abusive -which she is still choosing to ignore- and they should not be together.

 

OP, if you cannot recognize abuse you will end up with another creep like him.

 

It's a sick combo.

 

Holly consider this.

 

She is unable to recognize/acknowledge abuse in others as that would force her to recognize and acknowledge abusive tendencies within herself.

 

Again, they were toxic together. The abuse (in different ways) bounced back and forth.

 

Unless and until she recognizes that, the cycle of her attracting men who are not good/right for her, bring out the worst in her, and in turn, the worst in him, will continue..

[Hollyj]

Holly consider this.

 

She is unable to recognize/acknowledge abuse in others as that would force her to recognize and acknowledge abusive tendencies within herself.

 

I don't know if I consider the insecurity and obsessiveness as abuse. Crazy making, yes.

 

He also seemed to thrive on this dynamic . Throw in the alcoholism etc... None of her friends or family can stand him.

[katrina1980]

I don't know if I consider the insecurity and obsessiveness as abuse. Crazy making, yes.

 

It was more than that though, she admitted she was nasty to him right back.

 

Maybe not f*ck off but her own brand of nasty, which could also be interpreted as abuse, imo.

[Hollyj]

She was never specific, but I don't know, as she seems to put all the blame on herself. After 18 pages, she still cannot recognize that he is abusive, which is concerning, especially due to the fact that she works in mental health.

 

They should not be together, as they both have a slew of problems that need to be addressed and require therapy.