Sex on first date

[katrina1980]

Blueowl, I think it was purplepaisley who said this, but some men act a bit weird (pull back a bit) after sex no matter how long it takes for it to happen.

 

Stop overthinking, he called and wants to take you out again. If you choose to go, keep focus OFF sex. Go out have a good time, get to know each other outside the bedroom, and allow this to play out.

[itsallgrand]

Do you want to get to know him?

 

You've got all these ideas about him, but are doing everything to block actually getting to know the guy.

[katrina1980]

Blueowl, stop allowing your fears and anxieties to steer this ship, which is what's happening imo.

 

HE is going to sense it, and turn him off.

 

After which you will probably accuse him of "only" wanting sex and "using" you, not realizing your anxieties, insecurities, and low self-esteem after sex are what turned him off.

 

Why are you attempting to self-sabotage? Refer back to my first sentence for answer.

[bluecastle]

Blueowl, stop allowing your fears and anxieties to steer this ship, which is what's happening imo.

 

HE is going to sense it, and turn him off.

 

This.

 

There is nothing, nothing wrong with having sex on a first date. Nothing to feel guilty about, nothing to question. It's like any other experience—you do it, see how you feel, and change your behavior in the future if needed.

 

I've had a lot of first/second date sex. For what it's worth, as a man it doesn't make me think of a woman any differently. Some I've gone on to date long term, others not, but the reasons were hardly because we jumped into bed quickly.

 

He's reaching out—just go with it.

[purplepaisley]

So you slept with this guy really fast. You fret and worry that he's pulling back and not interested. He expresses that it's quite the opposite, and he'd like to see you again, and what do you do?? You express that you just don't know and get all wishy-washy...PICK ONE sweetie! Don't date if you're not ready, but don't do this back and forth, you're all in and then suddenly "I don't know" garbage. This is the EXACT thing that got you all wrapped up in anxiety, in that it felt like HE was pulling back and suddenly changing course, and now suddenly you're doing this to him? You need to let go and enjoy getting to know him, and if you're not in a place to do this, you need to step back and fix yourself...be ready. You fret he didn't text as often, then you toss out this insecurity and you're not sure and you don't know?? It's not his job to placate you. Figure out what you want and go for it.

[Batya33]

I agree with Andrina -it's risky if you're looking for an LTR. I do know of happy couples who had sex the first night they met or very very early on. I knew from early on that it would not be right for me personally to do this so I never did. What you wrote about telling him about your regrets after the fact reminded me of this rap song from the 80s or 90s where the woman raps "you asked me if you were my first and I said why do you guys always ask me that???" I just wouldn't tell someone you don't really know all that information. If you regret it show him by your actions - the next date -keep it public and if he suggests sex say confidently that on reflection you think you two should wait before having sex again -but without sharing all your insecurities and heavy regrets.

 

And I agree with Holly-sure i used to swoon over hot looking guys way back when but please don't assume that women swoon and try to get a man in their life just based on physical features or that that gives him more value somehow.

[dias]

because physically, he's hot and really good looking. I am sure most girls will swoon all over him.

I am just an ordinary girl next door, some might say I am attractive but I don't think I am attractive 'to get anyone I want / wrapped around my fingers' - but he is that.

It doesn't work like this.

 

Again, it doesn't work like this.

 

Being good looking doesn't mean that you get anyone you want. That's nonsense.

 

An ordinary girl with interesting personality has much more success than an attractive girl. Maybe attractive girls have many fans, that's true, but they don't have anyone they want.

 

Just go on a date since he is asking.

[Annia]

used a condom - should be ok?

 

is it a mistake in the dating world to sleep with someone on a first date or is this personal question with no right or wrong answer?

 

I don't see it as a mistake nor that you should feel bad for it. It also depends on what are your goals. I just think based on my experience, friends and reading other people's experiences, that if you want to have a relationship with someone, the chances increase if you have sex when there's already an emotional connection, which often doesn't happen right from the first date. But there are cases where there was sex on the first date and things progressed to a relationship anyway. If things become too sexual it might turn into a FWB hook up situation, but you never know. I wouldn't beat myself up for it, and if you want to, keep going on dates with him and refrain from sex if it makes you feel bad.

[Annia]

I agree with Andrina -it's risky if you're looking for an LTR. I do know of happy couples who had sex the first night they met or very very early on. I knew from early on that it would not be right for me personally to do this so I never did. What you wrote about telling him about your regrets after the fact reminded me of this rap song from the 80s or 90s where the woman raps "you asked me if you were my first and I said why do you guys always ask me that???" I just wouldn't tell someone you don't really know all that information. If you regret it show him by your actions - the next date -keep it public and if he suggests sex say confidently that on reflection you think you two should wait before having sex again -but without sharing all your insecurities and heavy regrets.

 

And I agree with Holly-sure i used to swoon over hot looking guys way back when but please don't assume that women swoon and try to get a man in their life just based on physical features or that that gives him more value somehow.

 

Totally agree with this. You can ensure your boundaries and standards without going into heavy talks about insecurities and regrets, that are usually a buzz killer in the first stages of dating where it should be simple and fun.

[katrina1980]

JMO based on what *some* men have shared including my brothers, and men posting on forums such as this, etc but *some* men (certainly not all) need sex first before becoming emotionally connected and some, perhaps even many/most, women need the emotional connection first before becoming sexual..

 

Yin and yang.

 

This is one of the major issues/differences between men and women pertaining to entering relationships.

 

Not sure what the answer is, but we need to strive to better understand these differences and each other rather than expect each other to conform to our particular standards.

[Wiseman2]

He's asking you out! Do not relay on texting.

He asked if I lost interest and I said I am not sure. (because I am having mixed feelings). Then he asked if I wanted to go for a meal tomorrow.

 

But I don't know if words can be trusted. He really didn't text much after the date.

[j.man]

No man has what he thinks was a good date and then considers it ruined because he got to have sex on top of it. It'd be a cherry on top.

 

If a guy peels out after sex, it's because his mind was made up prior to the act itself, the lady was one of the dime-a-dozen who gets noticeably insecure or attached after, she wasn't very good at it, or one of the 101 legitimate reasons anyone could decide they're not as interested in a second date as they were a first. Or you'll get your oddball chauvinist who adversely judges women for engaging in the very same act they just committed.

 

Take your pick, but none translate to sex itself ruining it. If you want sex, have sex. Do so under the pretense of it being a purely physical act. If you know you can't compartmentalize it as such and need some assurance of commitment or a future, the commitment should preempt the sex. Doesn't matter if it's the first, second, third, or fourth date. It's really that simple.

 

ETA: In your case, after catching up on some of the thread, it sounds like he's following up just fine and healthily. Still, you might want to consider asserting your emotional boundaries and not having sex prior to commitment even if with this guy you've already had sex with. Don't be awkward or accusatory about it, but it's not fair to you nor him to scrutinize his intentions and behavior every time you do the deed.

[itsallgrand]

I see this as you wanted to have sex with him , now you are unfairly judging him because you think he's so hot. I think OP is acting like a bit of a jerk, honestly. Nobody is owed anything because there was a date with sex. But courtesy is always a nice thing. She's not showing him the same basic courtesy he is showing her.

[figureitout23]

Is that a terrible idea, if I did that did I ruin the potential of him seeing me as long-term potential?

 

I feel grossed out that I did it. And his interest seems waning. It could be that I wasn't attractive enough for him (he is very attractive) or that I was so easy that I slept with him the first date.

 

Right now I feel terrible, I want to dig a hole and hide inside it.

 

Please help.

 

I now feel unattractive, but also easy, cheap.

 

Oh gosh blueowl, I remember you so well, I mean absolutely no disrespect but your self esteem is admittedly extremely low, why are you dating and hopping nto bed with men right now?

 

Remember how hard it was to remove yourself from the last guy?

 

The is SUCH a bad idea.

[ThatwasThen]

I slept with my xH the first night we met and we were together over 25 years (married for 22) so it can happen. But in general, yes, it's a bad idea--I wouldn't choose that approach again.

 

Back in the day men/women didn't have the options they have now so often, a first date sex romp led to more then a one night stand. Now with online dating, facebook re-establishing of old romance, sexting and everything else in between, the options out there make the chances of a first dater becoming more are slim to none.

 

Op: You clearly don't know what you want your end goal in dating to be. Figure that out and you'll not THINK you need to go to bed on the first date. You'll want to get to know who you are dating so that you can figure out if he's going to be a good lifepartner or not.

 

Forgive yourself and chalk this up to a lesson about yourself that you've learned and hopefully will be confident enough not to repeat.

 

Originally Posted by blueowl32

He asked if I lost interest and I said I am not sure. (because I am having mixed feelings). Then he asked if I wanted to go for a meal tomorrow.

 

But I don't know if words can be trusted. He really didn't text much after the date.

You see, you have no idea what you want and that makes you one poor choice to get involved with. I am firmly suggesting that you work with someone to get your confidence level up before you date so that you are certain in what you want and you don't keep this type of dynamic up with who you are seeing.

[Batya33]

JMO based on what *some* men have shared including my brothers, and men posting on forums such as this, etc but *some* men (certainly not all) need sex first before becoming emotionally connected and some, perhaps even many/most, women need the emotional connection first before becoming sexual..

 

Yin and yang.

 

This is one of the major issues/differences between men and women pertaining to entering relationships.

 

Not sure what the answer is, but we need to strive to better understand these differences and each other rather than expect each other to conform to our particular standards.

 

I know of some women who needed sex early on -partly to test out the guy and make sure he lived up to her sexual standards and for the emotional connection to. I could not relate to either of those but no it's not gender based IMO. I also thought it was pure b.s. when a guy tried the "I need sex to feel connected to you" as a way to get sex early on. I'm not disputing that some of those men believed that to be true but when it was done in a pressured way, no I didn't buy it. And I never gave in.

[katrina1980]

Well I don't think most men (in general) would ever admit to a particular woman they need sex first to feel an emotional connection and agree if a man did say it, and have some men say to me, it's BS, just a ploy to have sex with me.

 

When a man cares he will wait imo, however I don't believe based on what "some" men have shared and what I've read in books and articles about men's natures, that they feel quite the same emotional connection that women feel until after sex.

 

Again jmo based on what I've read in books and articles on men's natures (generally) and have had some men share with me. My brothers, on forums, my meet up support group.

 

Agree I don't believe it's gender based either, which is why I said some men and some women.

 

Although I did say many perhaps even most women, because generally speaking I do think women need that emotional connection first. Men don't, again generally speaking.

 

Hope that clarifies Bat. There are always exceptions. Always.

[Batya33]

Yes. I needed the emotional connection plus love and commitment. I once did have sex before he said he loved me and that was a mistake.

[katrina1980]

You know Bat there was one particular book, maybe a couple, I read that discussed this, can't remember the name (I've read so many, lol) but it was pretty popular.

 

I think it may have been Judith Sills, she's pretty spot on, I love her books and advice.

 

Haven't read her in many years though. Are you familiar?

[Batya33]

You know Bat there was one particular book, maybe a couple, I read that discussed this, can't remember the name (I've read so many, lol) but it was pretty popular.

 

I think it may have been Judith Sills, she's pretty spot on, I love her books and advice.

 

Haven't read her in many years though. Are you familiar?

 

I read A Fine Romance. I loved it. Awesome book

[antiqque]

Thanks for all your input. Anyways I was being a bit weird and he knows now I regretted what happened. He then said he didn't lose interest, but the opposite and that he's actually looking for a gf. He asked if I lost interest and I said I am not sure. (because I am having mixed feelings). Then he asked if I wanted to go for a meal tomorrow.

 

But I don't know if words can be trusted. He really didn't text much after the date..

 

Go out with him, see if it works out. You have nothing to lose.

When i met my fiancee she was way more into me than i was into her, we ended up doing it the first night we met and we are still together 3 years later.

Sex on the first date doesn't mean nothing will come out of it :)

[nutbrownhare]

The only reason I'd advise against having sex on a first date is because it's likely, for many women, to lead to a degree of emotional attachment to someone they don't know yet. If it's an OK guy, then no problem - but it takes time to find that out.

 

No moralising, no need to feel grossed out or ashamed, hold your head high.

 

To the OP: he's asked you out again. You find him very attractive. Go for it, relax and enjoy!

[blueowl32]

So he asked me out tonight. As I wasn't free, he asked again which night I would be free this week. He also was bit sweet/ flirty texting.

 

It's true I don't know what I want, I might move countries soon (back to where the previous guy is, but obviously not for him) and I certainly am not over the previous guy (some of you know about him). In fact I am dating to get over him. The fact that the new guy is so attractive (and I am sure he can get most girls he wants that are prettier, more interesting and got a nicer body than me) makes me more prudent and unsure.

 

I am finally seeing a psychiatrist this weekend and will ask him to refer me to a therapist.

 

I am not sure why I have such ridiculously low self-esteem. I wonder how do girls who are ugly or accomplish less cope (don't mean to sound mean), if I am already suffering so much. It doesn't help my brother kept verbally bullying me growing up. He still tells me if I was Victoria Secret model hot, the previous guy would have committed to me already. This led me to be extra jealous and insecure and think that I was/ am unlovable because I am not pretty/ enough.

[nutbrownhare]

He still tells me if I was Victoria Secret model hot, the previous guy would have committed to me already.

 

This ^^^ is one of the most stupid bits of rubbish I've read in a while. What a t**t! I can only think that your brother feels inferior to you, or is jealous of you for some reason - whatever, really don't give him any more head space!

 

You have a very attractive guy there, who is obviously interested in you. Whatever your longer term plans, why don't you just relax and enjoy the present?

[Sportster2005]

JMO based on what *some* men have shared including my brothers, and men posting on forums such as this, etc but *some* men (certainly not all) need sex first before becoming emotionally connected and some, perhaps even many/most, women need the emotional connection first before becoming sexual..

 

Yin and yang.

 

This is one of the major issues/differences between men and women pertaining to entering relationships.

 

Not sure what the answer is, but we need to strive to better understand these differences and each other rather than expect each other to conform to our particular standards.

 

I've heard that quite often. I can't relate to it. But, I am just one guy.

 

The reason I like to have sex fairly early is to see if we are sexually compatible. If we're not, why waste time?

 

OP, everyone screws up. Put it behind and move on. There's no right or wrong. There's just what is acceptable to you. Don't give a crap what men want, worry about what you want, you'll find the right guy.