Sex on first date

[katrina1980]

 

The reason I like to have sex fairly early is to see if we are sexually compatible. If we're not, why waste time?

 

 

Me too!

 

I don't need to be emotionally attached (that takes time for me), but I DO need to feel a certain energy/chemistry with him, which doesn't happen for me very often.

 

My having sex with my ex the first night I met him was very impulsive and have not done that since, nor would I ever again. That's a little too quick! lol

 

But like you Sportster I do like to have it relatively quickly, to determine sexual chemistry and compatability, and also tbh to see if he's the type of man to stick around or disappear afterwards (as some men tend do to for various reasons even after 20+ dates!), so it's sort of a self-protection type of thing too.

 

To avoid becoming too attached in case he does.

 

Fortunately, that's never happened, and hope it never does!

 

And none of my boyfriends judged me for having sex quickly -- my ex's response (when I asked him years later) was it showed him how crazy attracted I was to him, which made him happy and feel good as he was crazy attracted to me too.

[bluecastle]

Me too!

 

Ditto!

 

I can't speak for whether it's man thing or a woman thing, but I'm generally someone who has sex fairly quickly. It's happened on the first date more than once, is generally a second to fourth date thing.

 

Call me crazy, but ultimately the thing that separates someone I'm dating from my friends is, well, that we have sex. Good conversations, shared interests, mutual respect—all that's important, of course. But without sex it's friendship, so I'm pretty keen to know if we've got the more-than-friends stuff sooner than later.

 

Whether it leads to lifelong love or a fun week, who knows? What I know about me is that I'm not going to fall in love until I've loved having sex with someone, so it's just a piece of the puzzle, and a pretty satisfying piece even if not much comes from it (pun semi-intended). Sex also doesn't have a tremendous sway on my emotions, so I'm not really worried about being hurt if, say, early sex leads to something that burns out a few days later.

 

What I don't do—and what might apply to OP—is use sex, or someone wanting to have sex with me, as a gauge for my worth or, well, really much of anything. That, I think, is where you can enter into the swirl of anxiety and self-esteem issues, so it's good to know your threshold for all that. If having sex early freaked me out—I wouldn't do it—and for the most part I think I have early sex with those with a similar attitude.

 

Anyhow, OP: he's been in touch, wants to see you again. Go with that, remember that you've got a brother who for some reason is severely jealous of you, and work on shoring up some of those percolating self-esteem issues. Wherever things go with this guy, you're an awesome, sparkling, desirable human being.

[katrina1980]

 

What I know about me is that I'm not going to fall in love until I've loved having sex with someone.

 

Yeah this is what I was referring to. Although you're just one guy too (like Sportster), but as I said, have had men admit this to me and read same in books/articles.

 

Not sure why that is for some men; I don't need sex to fall/feel in love necessarily, although it does take time for me to do so (feel in love).

 

blue, can you explain why that is? Why you need that physical connection to feel the emotional connection in its full force (love)?

 

I read an article over the weekend that men express their love through sex, and women express their love through talking, sharing intimate time (not related to sex).

[figureitout23]

Im the opposite, the mental and emotional connection makes sex better.

 

Different strokes different folks.

 

I always wonder how people who ask advice about men or women who bolt after sex and describe it as the best sex theyve ever had

 

How? Good, great, but best? With someone youve known mere weeks or even hours?

 

Your first time together you're learning eachother figuring out what the other likes and dislikes, I get the excitement over the newness of someone is awesome, but i just dont see how it compares to no anxiety and you knowing exactly what gets someone off, man...thats powerful to me.

[Batya33]

I've heard that quite often. I can't relate to it. But, I am just one guy.

 

The reason I like to have sex fairly early is to see if we are sexually compatible. If we're not, why waste time?

 

OP, everyone screws up. Put it behind and move on. There's no right or wrong. There's just what is acceptable to you. Don't give a crap what men want, worry about what you want, you'll find the right guy.

 

To me sexual compatibility is based on desire, chemistry, passion and the emotional connection -hopefully love and also commitment. I could tell by how we held hands and kissed whether things also would be good in the bedroom. And yes if I was turned off by kissing the person or didn't have the desire to kiss within a few dates I moved on - I didn't see the point of waiting after 4 dates or so to see if chemistry would grow if we'd started as strangers. Maybe that was arbitrary but I needed some kind of guideline so I didn't date someone I didn't feel it for.

Unless someone has very particular requirements about sex -whether particular positions, techniques, or fetishes I think the rest can all be worked out if those other ingredients are there. If a person only can be satisfied sexually with a particular technique or fetish then that should be communicated early on so that if there isn't compatibility on that point why waste time. Best sex I've ever had was when I was engaged and married. Certainly also great when I was in a serious, committed long term loving relationship but knowing we were in this "forever" enhanced everything.

 

I also think sexual compatibility with someone new can be hard to find because you have the surrounding issues of not knowing each other and also not having the staying power to work things out or consider it - I mean I'm sure some people do but there's a greater risk of the person just moving on/walking away without any commitment or emotional investment.

 

Different strokes for sure.

[katrina1980]

…. the mental and emotional connection makes sex better.

 

 

I will agree with that! Once I feel the emotional connection, the sex becomes more intimate, deeper, different.

 

That's not to say I don't enjoy hot raw unbridled sex, I do, but yeah once I (we because ideally our feelings are growing simultaneously) feel the emotional connection, it changes, brings a new element to it, and yes it's better!

[bluecastle]

Hmmmm, interesting question, K.

 

I don't think I'd put it as simply as needing the physical connection to confirm the depth of the emotional connection. I've been around enough blocks, or between enough sheets, to know full well that physical heat can be a smoke screen blocking out the lack of emotional heat. Then again, I've also had plenty of deep, charged conversations that feel like the beginning of a revelatory connection that turn out to be one offs, a shallower connection than imagined. So it goes both ways.

 

Maybe a better way to put it is that sex an important—even, for me, critical—step toward actualizing the potential of a loving romantic connection.

 

As mentioned in my last post, for me sex is a pretty big piece of the romantic puzzle, which is to say the love puzzle. Without sex I'm still missing the ability to make a full assessment. I'm in the pre-surrender state, which is to say certain feelings are still be guarded. So while I don't need sex to find someone compelling, singular, and attractive in a way that not only makes me giddy, but provides that intoxicating whiff of feeling seen and heard, without sex it's still kind of in the potential stage.

 

Part of my head (or heart, or body) is still wondering about the fullness of the connection. Part of my head, to be more blunt, is wondering: Will we have good sex? And, well, if I find the woman attractive (physically, emotionally) that question is going to be playing on a whispery little loop in my central cortex. The more I get to know her and vibe with her the faster that loop will spin, the louder the whisper.

 

And so the question of will we have good sex becomes, in a way, synonymous with the big one: Could this become love? And because sex (like talking books, hopes, and dreams; like walks in a park; like feasting on sushi) is a very fun thing to do my feeling is: let's see if we can have fun, together, doing this very fun thing.

 

If the answer is yes—terrific. The little sparklers are now real fireworks, we're closer to completing the puzzle. We're feasting on sushi and talking dreams and getting naked, and I'm feeling myself surrendering more to the delirious magic that is a loving connection. Potential actualized.

 

If the answer is no—well, dang it, turned out the puzzle I thought we were putting together is different than what I imagined. Potential stymied. Like hiking through the woods convinced a castle is at the clearing, but it turns out to be a funky old shack—still cool, but doesn't negate the craving for a castle.

 

I'm not sure if this is connected to the theory of men expressing love through sex. I'd like to think I express it in a variety of ways, from words to favors to just listening to someone and learning how to respond to them. Maybe that's hearing that my woman likes the temperature at 72 and adjusting the thermostat before she gets home. Maybe that's hearing that my woman likes x and y in the bedroom and adding that to the repertoire.

 

But that's just me. I don't think of sex as an expression of something, but as a wordless conversation between two people.

[katrina1980]

 

I get the excitement over the newness of someone is awesome, but i just dont see how it compares to no anxiety and you knowing exactly what gets someone off, man...thats powerful to me.

 

I can see it. Sometimes it's that anxiety, that uncertainty that can make sex very hot and passionate. For me anyway.

 

As far as knowing exactly what gets him off, this may sound strange but this is not something I am consciously aware of -- when I feel that energy/chemistry with a man, we just click, we instinctively know what will get each other off, at least I do, from what my boyfriends have told me.

 

That is I how I define sexual compatibility. A sort of knowing, without having to ask. It all just clicks.

 

Like we're really in tune with each other -- each other's bodies. And just know.

 

And for me, it doesn't always have to lead to orgasm either, I can get off on the physical connection, our physical energy, the passion, if that makes sense, I love that and is very powerful for me!

[itsallgrand]

I think the main thing when it comes to sex is it healthy?

OP feels terrible about having sex with him early, that's reason enough to stop that. She's not recovered from her last relationship, dating and getting in bed to try and get over her ex. She's trying to make herself feel better by sleeping with a hot guy - not the most healthy approach to sex IMO.

 

I think sometimes people get into bed early and it's a coping mechanism meant to avoid intimacy. And certainly there are times wheresex is simply the priority and getting to know the person just isn't. I know for me, when I've opted for a quick romp in the sack, I wasn't doing it with any intention nor desire of getting closer to the person. It's not something I've done often but when I did, it was just about satisfying some simple lust.

[bluecastle]

I think the main thing when it comes to sex is it healthy?

OP feels terrible about having sex with him early, that's reason enough to stop that. She's not recovered from her last relationship, dating and getting in bed to try and get over her ex. She's trying to make herself feel better by sleeping with a hot guy - not the most healthy approach to sex IMO.

 

I think sometimes people get into bed early and it's a coping mechanism meant to avoid intimacy. And certainly there are times wheresex is simply the priority and getting to know the person just isn't. I know for me, when I've opted for a quick romp in the sack, I wasn't doing it with any intention nor desire of getting closer to the person. It's not something I've done often but when I did, it was just about satisfying some simple lust.

 

Away from the fun and philosophical detour this thread as taken: YES, 1000 percent.

 

Sex can be so many things, and what is healthy, I think, changes for us over time.

 

Many years ago, I went through a sex-to-forget spell for a few months. Weird collisions, etc. It was, I admit, a great time. I did not feel terrible. I thought of my ex less. Was what it was.

 

After my last breakup, I went to the old playbook for healing. Met someone at a bar, went home with her, had sex. Every second of it felt weird, awful. I felt pretty terrible the next day. Lesson learned: sex wasn't going to be part of this breakup, and so I shut the door on sex for another 6 months, until I knew I was ready.

 

Just something to think about, OP, as you move forward, in life and with this guy. No need to be consumed by guilt, but also no need to feel pressure to do it again, with him or anyone. You know when you genuinely want it, whatever the intentions. There's no right or wrong, but there's no reason to do something that makes you feel terrible.

[figureitout23]

I think the main thing when it comes to sex is it healthy?

OP feels terrible about having sex with him early, that's reason enough to stop that. She's not recovered from her last relationship, dating and getting in bed to try and get over her ex. She's trying to make herself feel better by sleeping with a hot guy - not the most healthy approach to sex IMO.

 

I think sometimes people get into bed early and it's a coping mechanism meant to avoid intimacy. And certainly there are times wheresex is simply the priority and getting to know the person just isn't. I know for me, when I've opted for a quick romp in the sack, I wasn't doing it with any intention nor desire of getting closer to the person. It's not something I've done often but when I did, it was just about satisfying some simple lust.

 

yep.......

[catfeeder]

He did ask if I wanted to join him at a party the next night (he originally told me about) after the first date/ sex. I wasn't free to go.

He isn't making too effort to text since our first date.

 

Likely because you turned down his invitation without offering an alternate time that you're available. So you're rejecting him before he even has a shot at feeling encouraged to take this anywhere.

 

People who are discouraged don't tend to text very enthusiastically.

 

While I don't advocate sex on the first date, that's only based on my own experience and isn't a moral fingerwag against it for anyone else. It's just that I know myself, and I bond when I have sex. So I've decided that it's really-really important for me to be careful and selective about who, exactly, I'm willing to bond WITH. I need to get to know someone well enough to decide where I stand, where I want to stand, and to learn where he wants to stand with me before going sexual.

 

That's just me, and it's not a prescription for everyone. I'd pull back from berating myself for what I obviously wanted to do when I did it, and instead, I'd relax into encouraging the guy to go where I think I want to go with him. If that leads you to somewhere you'll change your mind about--then fine, change your mind and exit. But throwing up walls of insecure posing won't buy you anything beyond that. It will just discourage him, which will discourage you, and that's a downward spiral you can skip if you'll offer some enthusiasm, instead.

 

What's to lose?

 

Head high.

[Sportster2005]

Im the opposite, the mental and emotional connection makes sex better.

 

Different strokes different folks.

 

I always wonder how people who ask advice about men or women who bolt after sex and describe it as the best sex theyve ever had

 

How? Good, great, but best? With someone youve known mere weeks or even hours?

 

Your first time together you're learning eachother figuring out what the other likes and dislikes, I get the excitement over the newness of someone is awesome, but i just dont see how it compares to no anxiety and you knowing exactly what gets someone off, man...thats powerful to me.

 

If the sex is bad, nothing can fix it. If it's good, it will only get better with emotional connections, IMHO.

[blueowl32]

He seems keen and keep asking me which night I am free for dinner.

I feel one of the reasons why I felt bad about the sex was because I thought it made him value me less, saw me as easy and lose interest.

 

Can a hot guy love an average (still kinda cute and pretty but no where like him)? He did tell me a few times he was looking for a gf and 'past the stage where he just wanted to sleep with people'.

 

During the date and even after the sex on bed he still asked me lots of questions about me as a person (not superficial questions). This was what the previous guy (who I was so crazy in love with) didn't do.

[Batya33]

He seems keen and keep asking me which night I am free for dinner.

I feel one of the reasons why I felt bad about the sex was because I thought it made him value me less, saw me as easy and lose interest.

 

Can a hot guy love an average (still kinda cute and pretty but no where like him)? He did tell me a few times he was looking for a gf and 'past the stage where he just wanted to sleep with people'.

 

During the date and even after the sex on bed he still asked me lots of questions about me as a person (not superficial questions). This was what the previous guy (who I was so crazy in love with) didn't do.

 

A guy who sees himself as "hot" to any significant extent likely will love mostly himself. A guy you see as hot because of his physical features is not a great way to start getting to know him as a person because you're going to project your insecurities and notions about "league".

 

I do think you gave him the accurate impression that you are comfortable with casual sex with a near stranger. And now you're trying to unring the bell "I'm not like that" "I regret it". Just own it and show by your choices going forward that you are not comfortable with casual sex even though you were that night.

[mustlovedogs]

Give him a date to go out and get out of your head. Any problems here are manufactured by you.

[blueowl32]

A guy who sees himself as "hot" to any significant extent likely will love mostly himself.

 

 

What do you mean by the above? As in he won't make a great boyfriend?

 

I have also had casual sex before, but with guys I purely did not have feelings for nor wanted a relationship with. I still felt kind of bad after that happened but shrugged them off easier than this time. I do want sex but don't really like the idea of casual sex too much...

[blueowl32]

Give him a date to go out and get out of your head. Any problems here are manufactured by you.

 

Actually so insecure that I fear he won't think I am pretty / interesting enough to further date after the second date...

he wanted to meet after work and I know I will look tired, not made up etc....

the idea of league, coupled with my insecurity is working against me!

[mustlovedogs]

Actually so insecure that I fear he won't think I am pretty / interesting enough to further date after the second date...

he wanted to meet after work and I know I will look tired, not made up etc....

the idea of league, coupled with my insecurity is working against me!

 

Did you know if you don’t go out with him, you won’t have a chance?

 

So...

 

Why would you give yourself 0 chance instead of some chance?

 

This is all you. Just make a date and put your best self forward. If he’s not interested that’s fine. There’s plenty of men you wouldn’t be interested in. But for now he IS. And you’re probably destroying any interest he has with your insecure games.

[blueowl32]

Did you know if you don’t go out with him, you won’t have a chance?

 

So...

 

Why would you give yourself 0 chance instead of some chance?

 

This is all you. Just make a date and put your best self forward. If he’s not interested that’s fine. There’s plenty of men you wouldn’t be interested in. But for now he IS. And you’re probably destroying any interest he has with your insecure games.

 

I don't like that he is so great that I only have 'some chance'. It's like he is superior and I hate that.

[mustlovedogs]

I don't like that he is so great that I only have 'some chance'. It's like he is superior and I hate that.

 

That logic is completely unreasonable.

 

I have no idea if he’s superior. But YOU are giving HIM all the power right now. He likes you and you are trying to decide for him that it’s not true.

 

You are self sabotaging.

[dias]

Actually so insecure that I fear he won't think I am pretty / interesting enough to further date after the second date...

he wanted to meet after work and I know I will look tired, not made up etc....

the idea of league, coupled with my insecurity is working against me!

 

You really have some deep insecurity issues that you need to resolve regardless if you continue seeing him or not.

[Wiseman2]

Make up your mind. It's rude to keep him hanging while you philosophize and analyse yourself. If he gives up it will be because of that self-absorption, rudeness and being indecisive, not sex on the first date. Stop kidding yourself that it's about him/men and their attitudes.

He seems keen and keep asking me which night I am free for dinner.

I feel one of the reasons why I felt bad about the sex was because I thought it made him value me less, saw me as easy and lose interest.

[blueowl32]

he asked now if I wanna meet over the weekend, either go out on a hike or go to his and cook/ watch movie...

he sounds keen...

I really prefer to chill at home but we all know where that might lead... he also lives with a sibling so that means he is ok with me meeting the family...?

 

yes I am self-sabotaging, it seems I am deciding for him I am not pretty enough for him...

 

why do I have such deep insecurity issues...? help. psychiatrist this saturday but I never felt he was very helpful other than giving me medication.. he referred me to a psychologist for CBT before but it is not exactly about working on insecurity issues. I hope he will refer me to a therapist on these areas....

[blueowl32]

You really have some deep insecurity issues that you need to resolve regardless if you continue seeing him or not.

 

I think this is a recurrent theme. In the past, if I really liked a guy, it was like every interaction was a test for approval. Sometimes the fear/ anxiety of being not good enough crippled me - if he likes me the first time, I pass the test, but I would start thinking I might not hold his interest in the next date. If/ when one day I realised he liked another girl whilst being involved with me, men I will go absolutely nuts, jealous and break down inside.

 

I was so jealous of all the women the previous guy (who I was so in love with) took an interest in. The mere thought of him speaking to those women or thinking about them made me go helpless, hurt and jealous inside. Those emotions are very painful and deter me from openly falling for other men. No man is worth those painful emotions but I know that's my problem. The guy(s) did nothing wrong.