Boyfriend always disappears when he drinks for days

[Findingnemo94]

I really don't think it's drug abuse. More gambling/alcohol because they get drugs tested and he has expressed that he is very against drugs and i have never seen anything indication signs of drugs. More gambling probably. I know this doesn't justify anything but yeah i guess these people are selfish and only care about themselves. Everything is about them gaining.

[Batya33]

I understand what you're saying and I thank all of you for this. I am not disregarding what any of you are saying but could there be an element of psychological control linked to this behaviour? As in, him going off the grid and acting like this makes me think and worry about him and he KNOWS that. Im struggling to see whether this is a form of psychological maniuplation or just complete selfishness and disregard for other people's feelings.

 

That matters if you are his therapist or maybe his mother. Why does it matter at all other than to give yourself a confined excuse to be passive? If you care see if he wants your help finding a good counselor.

[MissCanuck]

This dude is not a catch whatsoever, OP.

 

A 33-year-old father who disappears on days-long benders and mooches off his younger girlfriend to facilitate said benders. Where did you find this person? That's an honest question, by the way. How did you meet, and how much time have you spent together in person?

 

I think there is likely a lot you don't know about him, but he's got you tiptoeing around him so you won't dig a little more and find out what he's really up to when he goes MIA on the weekends. My strong assumption is that it's not limited to alcohol. I would also not rule out of the possibility that he has met someone local and spends time with her on weekends. There are just so many red flags all over this behavior.

 

I would not continue dating him. This is just not healthy for you, to be with someone this evasive, dismissive and irresponsible. Find a nice man who has his act together and is worthy of your trust and love. This one isn't.

[Findingnemo94]

We met on a dating app just under a year ago. It breaks me to think he may be with someone else because most of the time I imagine and believe he is just with his male friends like he says he is as he's in the military. We have spent a couple of months together in person as he's been away for work quite a lot. I would say and most of the time he fluctuates between extreme moods and passive aggressiveness and happy/caring moods. But to the point where I don't know whether he's coming or going and I'm actually quite scared what mood he's going to wake up in and when he is going to dissapear on me next and what the excuse is going to be this time. The behaviour seems odd. I don't understand why even if his phone has died he can't borrow a friend's and say oh sorry I just need to let my girlfriend know I'm ok. That's what any normal person would do (or at least what I would do) if I vanished for 2 days without a phone.

[MissCanuck]

We met on a dating app just under a year ago. It breaks me to think he may be with someone else because most of the time I imagine and believe he is just with his male friends like he says he is as he's in the military. We have spent a couple of months together in person as he's been away for work quite a lot. I would say and most of the time he fluctuates between extreme moods and passive aggressiveness and happy/caring moods. But to the point where I don't know whether he's coming or going and I'm actually quite scared what mood he's going to wake up in and when he is going to dissapear on me next and what the excuse is going to be this time. The behaviour seems odd. I don't understand why even if his phone has died he can't borrow a friend's and say oh sorry I just need to let my girlfriend know I'm ok. That's what any normal person would do (or at least what I would do) if I vanished for 2 days without a phone.

 

If he's able to go off on days-long drinking benders like he says, he's able to meet women. I don't see how being in the military would mean he's only with male friends when he goes out. I think he's probably lying to you about what he does, at least in part. He might indeed be getting completely drunk but I imagine there's more he is trying to hide from you.

 

You're right that most people would think to get in touch with their partner to let them know everything's good. He knows it, too. But he doesn't want to. He's happy having his secret weekends of fun and debauchery without you interfering.

 

Personally, I wouldn't stay with a grown man who behaves like this. He is showing you that he doesn't care what you think or feel about it.

[Jibralta]

He usually gets in contact after a few days when hes back to his normal work routine however I want to enforce I am not worried he is cheating but I am more worried about his general safety and health in general which is partly due to my anxiety disorder.

 

You should be more worried that he is cheating and less worried about being too anxious or looking jealous or concerned. I would bet money that he is devoting these 2 or 3 days to another woman.

[bluecastle]

I really feel for you, OP. That part of you that is intelligent and compassionate, and also full of love, the way it keeps bringing you to try to see this positively and locate what YOU did to trigger his behavior or what YOU can do to change it—I have that little microchip inside me too. I wish I could get it surgically removed (perhaps when you finish med school!) It's pulled me into some weird places, and weird relationships, even as I'm focused and stable on career, etc.

 

Even reading thought this, I find myself looking for some silver lining, just like you. I want to say something that soothes you rather than feels like a slap in the face. I want, in other words, to enable your destructive way of thinking much the way you are passively enabling his.

 

But no.

 

Remove all motivations and psychological factors here and look at the hard fact: this is an adult man, with a child, in a downward spiral. Yes, everyone slips around a bit on the path of life. But he is just falling.

 

The anxiety you feel, the lack of security: that's the pull of HIS spiral. Try to alter it, soften it, reverse it: more anxiety, more insecurity.

 

It will not end. Maybe he catches himself, but right now you are the cushion allowing him to keep falling. That's not your fault. It just...is. And it's why, regardless of what you feel for him, regardless of his winning qualities, you look at what this is doing to YOU, the way it's gnawing at your self-esteem and security, and you cut bait to protect that which you most cherish, your own spirt.

 

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

[Honeycomb8]

He's clearly cheating on you and a complete loser.

 

 

Not sure why you're staying. You're a med student and can do so so much better. Stop giving him money!!! He doesn't care nor does he respect you.

 

 

Get rid.

[ThatwasThen]

I'm posting after just reading the Opening post so forgive me if this has already been noted...

I forgot to mention he has asked me for money a couple of times despite having a full time job, in order to go out drinking with his friends which I have given to him and he has paid back immediatley when he has been paid.

Have you given him the money he asks for? If you have, then you are enabling him to do the very thing that has you so anxiety ridden.

 

What are you getting out of this long distance relationship with a disappearing drinker who is indifferent to your feelings and lies to you about not charging his phone after a night out. No one, and I repeat, No one in this day and age, if they are awake, would NOT charge their phone.

 

Your gut is telling you something so listen to it and dump him. He's up to no good, if nothing else and going only on the information you've given us without any speculation... he's an alcoholic or at the very least a problem drinker who more times then not will eventually turn into an alcoholic.

 

I don't understand why even if his phone has died he can't borrow a friend's and say oh sorry I just need to let my girlfriend know I'm ok. That's what any normal person would do (or at least what I would do) if I vanished for 2 days without a phone.

That is what a caring man who gave you a thought past his own self would do, yes.

[Wiseman2]

Saying "no" to money is passive. Giving the money upon request is active. You need to do something, not say something. That is the only way to enact change. Changing what you do.

 

Also do not be a doormat or cash machine and refuse to "cause drama and disagreements". If there is a problem, reflect on why there is one and why there are this many red flags. You are 10 years younger, a student and a guy with a job is leeching you for money and blowing you off (could be to spend that money on other women). Also he has kids an ex and clearly doesn't keep his phone off entire weekends.

I am a passive person in a relationship because I do not want to cause any drama or disagreements but I think I should maybe say something here

[boltnrun]

We met on a dating app just under a year ago. It breaks me to think he may be with someone else because most of the time I imagine and believe he is just with his male friends like he says he is as he's in the military. We have spent a couple of months together in person as he's been away for work quite a lot. I would say and most of the time he fluctuates between extreme moods and passive aggressiveness and happy/caring moods. But to the point where I don't know whether he's coming or going and I'm actually quite scared what mood he's going to wake up in and when he is going to dissapear on me next and what the excuse is going to be this time. The behaviour seems odd. I don't understand why even if his phone has died he can't borrow a friend's and say oh sorry I just need to let my girlfriend know I'm ok. That's what any normal person would do (or at least what I would do) if I vanished for 2 days without a phone.

 

Does what you wrote above describe the dream relationship you've always hoped for?

 

He is not going to "change" because he doesn't want to. Why should he "change"? He gets to have you around to borrow money from when he wants to go party and he doesn't have you around in person to nag him about his drinking and partying. I bet you even tell him you love him! And he's easily able to get you to shut up about his drinking and partying by telling you you're overreacting.

 

And...you do know that women are allowed in the military, right? It's not all men in the military. So saying you know it's all men he's partying with because he's in the military makes no sense.

[catfeeder]

As in, him going off the grid and acting like this makes me think and worry about him and he KNOWS that. Im struggling to see whether this is a form of psychological maniuplation or just complete selfishness and disregard for other people's feelings.

 

Both, and on top of that, he asks you for money and you give it to him.

 

THINK.

[Hollyj]

I find it interesting that someone with such significant anxiety issues would CHOOSE such a partner: "most of the time he fluctuates between extreme moods and passive aggressiveness and happy/caring moods. But to the point where I don't know whether he's coming or going and I'm actually quite scared what mood he's going to wake up in and when he is going to dissapear on me next and what the excuse is going to be this time."

 

You are getting something out of this. I know that I would put up with this garbage. Then, on top of it we have the disappearing, alcohol abuse, money issues, and probable cheating.

 

I would bet you choose dramatic and toxic situations where your relationships are concerned?

[chitown9]

I learned a long time ago not to encourage a relationship with a man if I had thought of changing him. You want to change him. Not that I disagree, but you do=Not the man for you. chi

[Wiseman2]

You don't have to feel stressed or feel sorry for yourself. You could end this if you wanted to. Why are you hanging on to this clown?

Im already at med school and I feel like I have enough stress on weekends studying and then I have extra worry on top worrying where he is and whether he's safe. It's stressing me out quite a lot. :'(