Is it really a downgrade or an upgrade?

[katrina1980]

 

The thing that made his money bad is he looked down on people. Made jokes of people who were worse off and if we fought, he used money as a tactic to abuse me by saying I should go out with a poor man who has an apartment because I deserve that. Whatever that means!

 

 

This is what I meant earlier about the ATTITUDE! The looking down on people, the believing he's somehow "better" just because he has money -- arghh!!

 

A man (or woman) can certainly have money without having this attitude and being an abusive d-bag!

 

And not all wealthy people care to live the "hollywood" lifestyle either.

[mandeelove]

The comments he made about money had nothing to do with him having money. If he was that kind of person he would have found a way to make similarly nasty comments whether about money or otherwise. Not sure if you are going to respond to my post but if you want to be financially comfortable -however you define that -do that for yourself.

I do want to respond. I have ambitions but not to be rich or be throwing down millions in cash on homes. I want to be smart with my money and live comfortably. Have a great savings for a future family, if I ever have one. So I wasnt trying to inherit a rich life from him. Kinda just happened. I have my masters in my field so Im on my career path doing that. Unfortunatley even with a masters you cant get rich and the guy I dated had NO degrees and got that rich. Its a crazy world so not always schooling or certificates could make you millions.

 

I also want to be a stay at home mother when the time comes. Thats a thing I wont budge on.

[mandeelove]

This is what I meant earlier about the ATTITUDE! The looking down on people, the believing he's somehow "better" just because he has money -- arghh!!

 

A man (or woman) can certainly have money without having this attitude and being an abusive d-bag!

 

And not all wealthy people care to live the "hollywood" lifestyle either.

100 percent agree. !

[mandeelove]

@Batya, I could be wrong I don't have time to go back and search her previous threads, but I think he was the same guy who actually wanted her to make more money, have a more established career; in fact if memory serves me correctly he badgered her about it, about her getting a job with better benefits, better salary, almost to the point of it being emotional abuse.

 

I think he even threatened to break up with her if she didn't become more ambitious and achieve these things -- for herself.

You are right! Thanks for clarifying. He is the guy who looked down on my salary. That I better make more. Etc. Loser was his fav word and I had degrees /schooling that made his head spin. I didnt have a crazy salary but I had education and in his eyes it didnt matter. I was still useless bcuz my salary sucked according to him.

[Batya33]

I do want to respond. I have ambitions but not to be rich or be throwing down millions in cash on homes. I want to be smart with my money and live comfortably. Have a great savings for a future family, if I ever have one. So I wasnt trying to inherit a rich life from him. Kinda just happened. I have my masters in my field so Im on my career path doing that. Unfortunatley even with a masters you cant get rich and the guy I dated had NO degrees and got that rich. Its a crazy world so not always schooling or certificates could make you millions.

 

I also want to be a stay at home mother when the time comes. Thats a thing I wont budge on.

Of course you can get rich without a graduate degree. My point was that it’s the best way for you to have the best chance of having enough money to feel comfortable - not rich. And it depends what field you choose. So if you want to be home full time figure out for how long you would want that - forever or for a certain number of years ? And if you want to be financially comfortable while you are home with children figure out how you can save up enough so that if your husband cannot be the sole breadwinner for a comfortable lifestyle how much you could contribute to make up for what’s missing. Certainly if you’re home you save a ton on child care but at least in my moms group I see a lot of women who carefully do the number crunching to figure out if the family can afford to have one parent at home full time.

I’m glad you have an education. And if you want to make more $ you may want to consider getting more education or training so you can command a higher salary for now while you don’t have children yet.

[katrina1980]

Woman that live the "hollywood" life don't became stay at home moms. They have nannies, housekeepers, and cooks, while they're out at the club, dining or traveling or doing whatever they do.

[Capricorn3]

I also want to be a stay at home mother when the time comes. Thats a thing I wont budge on.

I hope you have plenty of savings put aside for you to be able to achieve this. In this day and age it is not easy to live on one income anymore (depending where you live). The vast majority of couples HAVE to both work to be able to pay mortgages, bills, insurance, childcare/schooling, etc.

[SherrySher]

I respect a person who works hard for what they have, not a snot nosed brat who gets everything handed to them and then abuses people.

 

The working class (in my opinion) are hard working people who do the best they can. There is however a difference between responsible and irresponsible.

Just because you're working class does not mean you will be in debt, unless of course you mismanage your money.

 

I would take a hard working man who treated me wonderfully over a rich man who was abusive, any day. I wouldn't even have to think about it.

 

Money doesn't buy happiness and if you think it does, you've been too long in la la land and missed the point of life.

The things that matter the most have nothing to do with money.

[Seraphim]

I hope you have plenty of savings put aside for you to be able to achieve this. In this day and age it is not easy to live on one income anymore (depending where you live). The vast majority of couples HAVE to both work to be able to pay mortgages, bills, insurance, childcare/schooling, etc.

 

I agree. I did it for 3 years and it was HARD. Everything today is so expensive . My husband makes above average income and we have good benefits and it was STILL hard.

[nutbrownhare]

I respect a person who works hard for what they have, not a snot nosed brat who gets everything handed to them and then abuses people.

 

Yes, I don't understand why never having done a hand's turn should be something to be proud of!

[figureitout23]

Do you think its normal for a guy to focus on a womans career over who she is as a person? Would you leave a great woman over financial reasons only?.

 

The irony is not lost on me...

 

All I can say is please for the love of all that is holy don’t date right now.

 

Self care and introspection. 2 very important things right now.

 

Look I mean no disrespect, it kinda sounds like you’re telling us that you sold your soul for money and status. It’s funny because I remember not that long ago I had saw you randomly commenting on someone’s post and you said something to the effect of you expect a man to take care of you, which hey you’re prerogative, I just thought it was telling concidering your situation. I’ve been there, and Ive seen women who withstand abuse because they have no other choice, they have no where else to go, honey you do. Look, you arent the first and you most certainly won’t be the last but I just really think you need to be brutally honest with yourself.

 

I’m no longer in the 6 figure club I was in when I was in an abusive marriage but I can look myself in the mirror every day and you know what? I’m adverse to debt myself, so i fully understand, but let me tell you there is nothing more satisfying than working towards a big purchase and knowing your sweat and hard work earned it. Best feeling ever.

[Batya33]

I hope you have plenty of savings put aside for you to be able to achieve this. In this day and age it is not easy to live on one income anymore (depending where you live). The vast majority of couples HAVE to both work to be able to pay mortgages, bills, insurance, childcare/schooling, etc.

 

I agree. I didn’t become a full time parent until I was 42 and had spent almost 20 years working including almost 15 at a very lucrative career. Same for my husband. By contrast a friend of mine married in her mid 20s with a grad degree in teaching. She had no savings. Husband was in his early 30s great job thatvhe lost right before they married and he never really found another great job as far as $. They scraped by and she stayed home for 20 years and raised 3 kids with no outside help. I remember strongly suggesting to her to make some $on the side because of his underemployed state and the marriage showing some issues.

After 20 years of marriage they divorced. She had no marketable skills and couldn’t teach because of a health condition. So she got trained in something she could do that didn’t pay well. He reneged on much of the child support. She is still scraping by. I am not judging just sharing as a cautionary tale.

Make sure you have your own assets. Joint accounts are great but so are separate accounts in addition. And so is having marketable skills so that if your husband loses his job or there is a health or marriage issue you can make enough $ to afford child care - not everyone had access to family for free child care in tough times and if you have to work you have to make enough so you’re not just paying for child care.

I wanted to have a child earrleir but wasn’t in a relationship situation to do so. But by the time I was in my late 20sI was starting to build a nest egg so they I could be at home for at least awhile. I was home for 7 years. But especially these days aspiring to be a full time mom for many years is getting less realistic unless you have income from investments and can contribute $ to the family income.

[superfan]

OP, there's a huge difference between wanting a rich guy to take care of you and wanting someone who has their crap together and isn't drowning in debt.

 

I think that after dating someone who was excessively wealthy you've realised that past relationships that you've had with otherwise good men were damaged by the constant worry about money.

 

You've said that you are okay financially on your own, so why settle for a man that might drag you (and your credit) down? Wanting a man who has his life together and isn't drowning in debt does not make you Scrooge McDuck.

 

For myself personally I would never date someone who had massive consumer debt or didn't have a job. That doesn't make me shallow and ditto for you.

 

If you were demanding that all the men you date wine and dine you and buy you expensive clothes and jewelery then yeah...

 

But saying "I don't want to date someone who is struggling financially"? Reasonable.

[j.man]

I do want to respond. I have ambitions but not to be rich or be throwing down millions in cash on homes. I want to be smart with my money and live comfortably. Have a great savings for a future family, if I ever have one. So I wasnt trying to inherit a rich life from him. Kinda just happened. I have my masters in my field so Im on my career path doing that. Unfortunatley even with a masters you cant get rich and the guy I dated had NO degrees and got that rich. Its a crazy world so not always schooling or certificates could make you millions.

 

I also want to be a stay at home mother when the time comes. Thats a thing I wont budge on.

Depends on what Masters you're talking about, but I digress.

 

Someone just above very astutely tapped into the irony of your thread history, but to take it a step further, I truly believe that-- with absolutely no disrespect to the role itself should it turn out logistically feasible-- "not budging" on being a stay-at-home parent is about as antiquated as it gets. And it would be almost entirely contingent on finding a man with a salary which can financially support himself, yourself, a child, and however many more. You lament being discounted for your salary, but I think this entire thread is a testament to your own double-standard. Not necessarily one I think is objectively wrong. You want what you want and don't need to justify that to anyone. You've just gotta straighten out your rhetoric a bit. Katarina, and God bless her for all the work she puts in to empathize beyond my own limitations, has done her very best here, but you've got a shovel and seem determined to use it.

[Honeycomb8]

You sound like a gold digger.

[Batya33]

Depends on what Masters you're talking about, but I digress.

 

Someone just above very astutely tapped into the irony of your thread history, but to take it a step further, I truly believe that-- with absolutely no disrespect to the role itself should it turn out logistically feasible-- "not budging" on being a stay-at-home parent is about as antiquated as it gets. And it would be almost entirely contingent on finding a man with a salary which can financially support himself, yourself, a child, and however many more. You lament being discounted for your salary, but I think this entire thread is a testament to your own double-standard. Not necessarily one I think is objectively wrong. You want what you want and don't need to justify that to anyone. You've just gotta straighten out your rhetoric a bit. Katarina, and God bless her for all the work she puts in to empathize beyond my own limitations, has done her very best here, but you've got a shovel and seem determined to use it.

 

I think it's fine if she doesn't budge if she believes a child should have a full time parent at home and she believes she should be that parent (yes, some dads are full time at this point but it's far more unusual and more the exception -sure she can be open to that too but not sure if would even come up). I just think she has to bring more to the table financially and more planning financially. And by full time parent I don't mean until they are each 20 years old - that's not a full time parent as much as it is a full time homemaker which is more dubious as far as "values" based.

[Wiseman2]

You don't need to be a gold digger for that. This happens everyday with people from similar backgrounds and incomes.

I also want to be a stay at home mother when the time comes.

[Seraphim]

I worked part time pretty much since my son was born except his first 7 years and for the past few years. My son needed more supports than the average child. I am not saying you will have a special needs child but if you do that will put you seriously behind the Joneses if you care about that stuff . I sacrificed my earning potential for my son’s success. Most of the time if there is somebody to be sacrificed that will be Mom .

[RayRay63]

I have never been interested in money, or class, or how much ink they have.

 

Unfortunately I can't say the same for 'them'.

 

Beware the shallow gold diggers. Evade & avoid.

[mandeelove]

I have never been interested in social status or money either. Always pictured being with a hard working person who is smart and successful but never rich. I pictured working along with my hubbie, and when the time come, have enough to raise my child at home. It takes finding a man with this mindset by the way. This is old fashioned mentality but I never had an issue meeting men who match on this.

 

Like ive said on this post, I did not seek this rich man out... Or tell myself I need to come up in the world. I met a guy who seemed humble but over the course of being with him for 2 1/2 years , his real him came out. The money was being exposed and I realized this guy came from extreme upper class . Buying million dollar homes in cash. List goes on. He didnt go to bed worrying about a bill to pay.

 

His attitude towards women and me wasnt good. I got emotionally abused. So i saw not only a rich guy but what money does to a person . I do think money was a factor on behavior bcuz when I met him he was in a normal neighborhood. Then he upgraded to an extremely wealthy neighborhood and got worse in attitude.

 

I would not seek out a rich man again. Thats what you define as a gold digger. Someone whose whole existance is finding an easy way out.

 

This post is really about me getting used to this crazy lifestyle. How to readjust back to my original life and the normal struggles people face. Now hearing a guy say "no I need a few months to save up" as opposed to throw cash in a second. Its like a fairytale land. And i want to know how to readjust so I dont miss out on great guys who have a 9 to 5. You have to remember. Part of the abuse was putting down not only my salary but others too. He put this fear in me like men working 9 to 5 who live in apartments are bad people. He would always tell me this type of thing so I could feel lucky to be where I am.

 

My mind needs readjustment. I guss over time?

[Batya33]

Why did you adjust to a different lifestyle in the first place and why did you want to to the extent that you now have to readjust? He was a boyfriend. You didn't live with him in a committed partnership. It's concerning that you got that attached to his money and his lifestyle. I don't think there's anything wrong with dating someone who is rich. That's just about a dollar figure. Date someone who has values compatible with yours. That person might be rich, poor, somewhere in between.

 

I also shake my head at the 9 to 5. Huh? Some people who work 9 to 5 simply get their work done during those hours and make a lot of $. Others work 9 to 5 and don't make a lot of money and perhaps have outside interests, hobbies, volunteer work, whatever that they prefer to focus on and their true ambition doesn't lie with their job. That's fine too. He didn't put any fear in you. You're an adult. You chose to get attached to Fairytale Land and chose to take what he said as the gospel. You're the issue not him.

 

It's not about "over time" -it's about you getting down to the nitty gritty on what you truly want. My impression is that you're talking out of both sides of your mouth here. I had a really interesting lifestyle when I had a boyfriend who was involved in the arts and knew a number of celebrities and famous artists who he introduced me to. It was really fun to meet some of them and fascinating to learn about his art, about his talents (none of which I had!) and to be around that world. And had we been otherwise right together we would have married and started a family. But we weren't right, for other reasons and we finally broke up. I never had to readjust to being around people who weren't famous/artistic, etc -in fact I kept up the cultural part on my own because it enriched my life. And when it came time to leave that to the side for full time motherhood that was an "adjustment" but not in the way you're talking -because my values and goals never changed - you chose to value Fairytale Land even though you were getting abused in the process. You chose to interact with someone who said nasty things about people who live in apartments. Figure that out-why you chose that -before picking the next guy.

 

Don't be passive about it. Especially if you want the awesome responsibility of raising a child - you will have to model good values for your child - and part of that is not standing for passivity when it comes to your child needing to make a change in choices or behavior.

[Wiseman2]

Your life never changed. You didn't marry him or live with him or have access to his wealth. Ever.

 

You were a spectator. What "original life"? It's not as if you were married, got divorced/got nothing and now he drives off to his mansion in a Ferrari and you go back to the hood. There is nothing to "readjust" to. You always lived where you live and worked. Why are 9-5 guys suddenly such an enigma?

 

There is zero correlation between wealth and abuse. That is another misconception. Did you allow shabby treatment for cash, fancy dates, gifts?...sure. But that was your craving for that. That is what you should really reflect on, not how to relate to the "little people" (like yourself) again.

 

Really? You suddenly can't handle a guy who says he has to go to work? You work, still live in the same area so what's the issue, except for pining over not having fancy dates? It's kind of absurd that suddenly you don't know how the "little people" live now that some rich guy dumped you.

How to readjust back to my original life and the normal struggles people face. i want to know how to readjust so I dont miss out on great guys who have a 9 to 5.

[katrina1980]

I'm confused. What do you mean he put the "fear" in you? Of who, the "little" people? Like what, stay away from "them" they're no good, they're losers!

 

Who is he God or something? Do you not have a mind of your own, your own values? If he believed murdering people was ok, would you go along with that too?

 

Plenty of women do you know; they fall hard for some psychopath, believing he's God, they become some sort of an extension of him and go along with him on his killing sprees, participating even, and end up in prison for the of their lives.

 

That's extreme but just tying to make a point. You sound extremely malleable. Easily swayed. Rearranging your values to match whatever a particular guy's values are.

 

This is really dangerous mandee; please take the time to get to know *yourself*. And what *your* values are and stay true to them!

 

Don't become an extension of whoever you happen to be dating, *readjusting* your own values to match his. Sorry but that's just weak and no man will ever respect you for it either. Get to know yourself, what your own values truly are and stay true to them. Look for men who "share" those values.

 

If you had done that, there would be no readjustment now. In fact, the second this bozo started in with his harsh criticism of the "little" people, *you* would have said no thank you, not for me, buh bye, no matter how much money he had.

 

Especially considering the fact that according to him, *you* were one of those 'little' people!

[figureitout23]

You have to remember. Part of the abuse was putting down not only my salary but others too. He put this fear in me like men working 9 to 5 who live in apartments are bad people. He would always tell me this type of thing so I could feel lucky to be where I am.

 

My mind needs readjustment. I guss over time?

 

Come on with the excuses again Mandee. He made you want to be a stay at home mom? He created the mindset that men should take care of women you so proudly proclaimed? Every argument you came onto this board for reassurance that you weren’t wrong that you werent crazy, I quoted you myself. You were pretty adamant that the income does not define a person or was it just women? it’s hard for me to believe that you just fell in line with what he was telling you. Now that we’re getting more of the picture it’s coming off like you knew he was trash, but put up with it as a means to an end.

 

Yes emotional abuse is going to distort your view of yourself and the world but to make you think good men aren’t worth a hill of beans unless they can bank roll your choice in lifestyle? Haven’t you always had these views?

 

Sorry really seems like a cop out. Again, you need to be brutally honest with yourself about how you got to this point, readjusting is going to take honesty, changes in world view and probably some therapy.

[itsallgrand]

It's not the money. You both have an entitled attitude. You think you are entitled to certain priveledge because you have a vagina. He thinks he's entitled to priveledge because he has affluence.

 

Your values haven't been altered. They were simply allowed to be played out on a grander scale. It's no different than with the guys before.

 

If you truly want to change the mindset, you have to challenge your sense of entitlement 'because I'm a woman and I want this'.