Anyone else notice this?

[melancholy123]

Is it just me or do others here notice that when there's a poster who is doing something that is immoral or mean or underhanded - such as cheating, running around with a married person, or being really sneaky they start their post by saying - dont judge me, dont say anything negative, then write about the negative, wrong thing that they are doing?

 

There's been several on here lately, and at least one new one right now, where the person knows they are doing something wrong, they continue to do it, but tell you to not say anything negative to them! It's like they want some validation that their actions are in fact fine and justified yet they know they are not but you arent supposed to comment on it! It's pretty hard to give constructive comments when you cant talk about the elephant in the room!

 

That's just bizarre. If you know you are doing something you should not be doing, then own it! Take your lumps, hopefully learn from it, and then correct your situation and then move on to lead a better life.

[katrina1980]

 

If you know you are doing something you should not be doing, then own it! Take your lumps, hopefully learn from it, and then correct your situation and then move on to lead a better life.

 

Amen, sista. :)

[boltnrun]

I think it's because they know what they're doing is wrong, but they are looking for someone to tell them it's not REALLY wrong so they can point to it and say "See! Anonymous Unknown Forum Poster says I'm not a bad person! So, I really am NOT a bad person!!"

 

I've found people who do horrible things seem for some reason to not want people to THINK they're bad. It's a strange dichotomy.

[bluecastle]

Amen, sista. :)

 

Second this!

 

And yet (for conversation's sake) a little but: A LOT of people on here are posting questions they already know the answers to. They know their relationship is toxic, that contacting their ex will not result in despair morphing into a fairytale, that there is no magical move 5 days after a breakup that will change anything, and so on. Heck, I was one of those people, hoping (against all hope) that a few dozen internet strangers would convince me that my emotional cesspool was actually (poof!) a lagoon. And it was the real talk (thanks everyone!) and also starting to listen to and offer support for others (giving advice I wasn't yet ready to take) that REALLY helped me see what was what.

 

But, yes, what you're talking about is a real thing. Hopefully, those people listen and it's coming here that is a baby step toward, you know, not engaging in behavior that is inarguably immoral and underhanded.

[boltnrun]

One of my least favorite phrases is "He/she is not a bad person,he/she just made a BAD DECISION!!!" Or "It was a MISTAKE! EVERYONE makes mistakes!!! No one's PERFECT!!"

 

Well, good people don't make those kinds of "decisions" whether it's cheating, committing a crime, hurting others deliberately, being manipulative, etc.

 

I used to be one of those bad people. I did some really, really selfish and hurtful things to someone I should not have hurt. I now will not claim to have any kind of justification whatsoever for what I did. But back then, I had every excuse in the book. And that's because back then I was a selfish little piece of work.

 

I am happy to say I have changed and will never behave like that again. But that change has to come from within, and YOU have to decide to be a better person. One doesn't become a better person by justifying one's own awful behavior or making excuses or trying to claim it was a "mistake" or a "bad decision".

[melancholy123]

Wow I am glad I am not the only one who can see this! I noticed this strange trait several years ago, when I first joined this forum and there's no lack of underhanded/selfish/manipulative people out there who want to be told what they are doing is just great! Carry on!

 

The latest one I've read here doing exactly this blew me away to the point that I just had to comment on it.

[greendots]

It's easy to tell someone who is in the middle of a mess "Don't do it." But, "don't do it" isn't simply a switch you can turn on and off.

 

(I'm not justifying someone's actions, just to be clear.)

[Metaltwin70]

People post on forums because they need to vent, not because they want someone million miles away who they've never met to tell them what to do. Those who are doing 'bad' things.. know that. They are fully aware that what they are doing is wrong. They just need to talk about it. Put what's happening 'on paper'. Talk about what is going on, their thoughts and feelings. The reason why people preface their posts with 'don't judge please' is because when someone is in a middle of a crisis - of their own making or not - the last thing they want to hear is how they are scum of the earth evil monster and should rot in hell. And yes, it is NOT EVER as simple as 'if you know it's wrong, stop doing it'. Never, ever.

 

(disclaimer - I am not talking about abuse, or crime, because this really is black and white as far as I'm concerned).

[Batya33]

One of my least favorite phrases is "He/she is not a bad person,he/she just made a BAD DECISION!!!" Or "It was a MISTAKE! EVERYONE makes mistakes!!! No one's PERFECT!!"

 

Well, good people don't make those kinds of "decisions" whether it's cheating, committing a crime, hurting others deliberately, being manipulative, etc.

 

I used to be one of those bad people. I did some really, really selfish and hurtful things to someone I should not have hurt. I now will not claim to have any kind of justification whatsoever for what I did. But back then, I had every excuse in the book. And that's because back then I was a selfish little piece of work.

 

I am happy to say I have changed and will never behave like that again. But that change has to come from within, and YOU have to decide to be a better person. One doesn't become a better person by justifying one's own awful behavior or making excuses or trying to claim it was a "mistake" or a "bad decision".

 

It's really inspiring and impressive that you shared this and I mean the hyperbole.

 

I see a lot of "don't judge me" on my facebook group for moms and it's annoying because usually it's just a simple parenting decision but I guess there's a lot of judging going on in that group. Anyway I think then that the people you describe in your post latch on to the "don't judge me" which seems to be more and more of a trend overall -don't you think? I agree with you and thanks again for sharing and great success story!

[Wiseman2]

A lot of these type of users are one and done posts often in the form of a long one-paragraph confessional diatribe prefacing it with wanting the kid glove treatment.

 

Most of these type of posters treat it as Reddit or Quora where a long drawn out post asks rhetorical questions if any... then never come back to post. Often these a threads are closed with the "multiple accounts" message or because of flaming. Sometimes they seem to be creative trolls.

Is it just me or do others here notice that when there's a poster who is doing something that is immoral or mean or underhanded - such as cheating, running around with a married person, or being really sneaky they start their post by saying - dont judge me, dont say anything negative, then write about the negative, wrong thing that they are doing?.

[figureitout23]

It's easy to tell someone who is in the middle of a mess "Don't do it." But, "don't do it" isn't simply a switch you can turn on and off.

 

(I'm not justifying someone's actions, just to be clear.)

 

I agree with this also hardline advice isn't going to work with someone who has legitimate issues to work through you could tell them all day but they should be doing but they literally cant get there on their own. There are a few regular pop in posters who every couple months will have the exact same issue over and over and over again and the same people will give advice over and over and over again the same exact advise as if it's actually gonna work this time it's not they need legitimate help.

 

Also I agree there are abusers and cheats and just all around ankles who get their egos bruised and want advice too. I'm one of those responders who doesn't just take what you wrote, Im gonna pay attention to verbiage, I'm gonna look at your history because I'm not stroking the ego of a jerk! Lol.

[Metaltwin70]

At the end of the day, people will do exactly what they wish to do as far as their own lives are concerned. No-one is stupid enough to make a life-affecting decision based on what a stranger on a net forum told them they should do. Most posts on here end with 'what would you do' or 'any advice' but really and truly, ENA is basically a good venting platform for a multitude of relationship/life/work etc etc issues. Unless that is, the 'a' word's involved. 'DIE YOU EVIL MONSTER!!!!!!!!' screams ENA in unison, and the OP, surprise surprise, vanishes without a trace.

[itsallgrand]

Oh yeah, I've noticed it. It falls into the ' help me with my age gap relationship! Im very mature for my age" category for me.

That is, a light groan, there's no point trying to reason with this person.

 

And I agree with Batya that this is part of a larger trend.

[katrina1980]

At the end of the day, people will do exactly what they wish to do as far as their own lives are concerned. No-one is stupid enough to make a life-affecting decision based on what a stranger on a net forum told them they should do. Most posts on here end with 'what would you do' or 'any advice' but really and truly, ENA is basically a good venting platform for a multitude of relationship/life/work etc etc issues. Unless that is, the 'a' word's involved. 'DIE YOU EVIL MONSTER!!!!!!!!' screams ENA in unison, and the OP, surprise surprise, vanishes without a trace.

 

I agree! ENA is a venting forum, to gather various thoughts/opinions which may or may not give them more insight into to the situation that they never considered before, as well as insight into their own feelings.

 

That is what it has provided me whenever I had an issue and created a thread.

 

And as much as I have appreciated and valued the opinions and advice given, I have actually gone against and done the exact opposite of what was advised and things have worked out.

 

Nevertheless, the opinions were appreciated because by bouncing thoughts back and forth, it brought me to a place of clarity, wherein I was able to make the right decision for me, even though it went against the advice given.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. They have most likely posted the same thing on multiple platforms/social media and have already gotten flamed. That may be why the 'don't judge me' disclaimer is there.

this is part of a larger trend.

[limichelle]

I agree with Wiseman! I also noticed they will not only create multiple threads but reparaphrase the same question over and over. Maybe hoping if that post isn’t giving them advice on what they want to hear. Then this new thread over here will draw in a different crowd.

[DancingFool]

Some people come to vent, some come for advice, most people are really just looking for validation even when they know they won't get it. People who do bad things especially want validation. They know that they are a sh$tty person, so validation is that much more important to them. Besides that, a lot of heinous behavior is related to personality disorders and those are hyper sensitive to creating a public image of sainthood.

[Wiseman2]

Wait. Did you see my thread about having an affair with my married coworker who I beat up and got an std from and how much we love each other and plan to have a baby?

Is it just me or do others here notice that when there's a poster who is doing something that is immoral or mean or underhanded - such as cheating, running around with a married person, or being really sneaky they start their post by saying - dont judge me, dont say anything negative

[boltnrun]

The ones that make me sad are the "My partner beats me and I pay for everything and he has another girlfriend and he does drugs and he doesn't have a job and we have two kids and I'm pregnant with a third one and he left the other day in the car I bought him and hasn't come back or called, how do I get him back??"

 

Makes me almost want to cry.

[Wiseman2]

Have you tried calling him?

The ones that make me sad are the "My partner beats me and I pay for everything and he has another girlfriend and he does drugs and he doesn't have a job and we have two kids and I'm pregnant with a third one and he left the other day in the car I bought him and hasn't come back or called, how do I get him back??"

[reinventmyself]

I wish I had a dollar for every post that began with `I loooove him/her, they are the best, my soul mate . . . and from there is spirals into abuse, infidelity and other stuff I can't even make up.

 

When ever it starts with the above mentioned sentence, I sit and back and wait for it, because it's almost always coming.

 

It's as if they feel they need to sell us something in order for us to consider that their partner's behavior is anything other than heinous.

[boltnrun]

Also "I'm AFRAID to be 'alone'".

 

Whenever I ask whats so scary about being "alone" I never get a response.

 

I do, however, get annoyed when someone says that and it turns out they have children. Then you're NOT "alone"!!!

[Honeycomb8]

The ones that make me sad are the "My partner beats me and I pay for everything and he has another girlfriend and he does drugs and he doesn't have a job and we have two kids and I'm pregnant with a third one and he left the other day in the car I bought him and hasn't come back or called, how do I get him back??"

 

Makes me almost want to cry.

 

Lol i remember reading more than one thread wih similar content. *face palms*

[limichelle]

I’m actually happy to be alone right now. As you all know my track record with dating. Hahaha I swear I could write a book about the people I’ve encountered.

 

The last guy has set me off dating for a loooong time! LOL

 

I know what you mean though and I admit I was that girl so desperate to have someone I felt if I didn’t I was a failure because I was alone.

 

Now I see it as a great thing. Also they aren’t really alone; kids, family and friends.

 

It’s not like their a hermit in a cabin in the woods collecting stray animals.

 

I think people come on here assuming we will sympathize no matter the situation and help them to overlook the obvious.

[melancholy123]

Agree. They have most likely posted the same thing on multiple platforms/social media and have already gotten flamed. That may be why the 'don't judge me' disclaimer is there.

 

I see your point but when they say that, how is a person to respond to them when they know the person is being a total jerk (or whatever word suits) and it's not possible to stroke their ego but you really want to offer advice or an opinion they may not like? If a person is going to ask for advice/help/opinions they should know or ought to know they will get responses that they may not like.