I did something bad with a married man

[SKitty]

OP, you were playing with fire and if you're going to be honest here, you knew you were. The feelings were there, and you wanted to meet with him to gauge how far things would go between you two. You wanted to know if he still felt the same way about you as you did towards him. Your whole post refers to what your gut was telling you when you met him outside of the hotel, and you knew that going back to his hotel room wasn't only for drinks.

 

I have to ask: How did you expect things to play out after you slept together? I mean, this can't come as a shock to you, can it?

 

If you're being honest with yourself, I think you'll admit that this is what you wanted. You only became upset once the deed was done and you felt discarded by him.

 

He didn't profess his undying love and you felt used.

 

Didn't help that alcohol was involved either. But these were choices that you made as an adult and on your own. You cannot fault him for a decision that you made. He wasn't forcing you to sleep with him.

 

I get that you came here to vent and that you're upset by how things played out. But what I don't understand is, what did you expect?

 

You knew what you were doing. You made a conscious decision to sleep with him. You seem to be putting all the blame on him.

 

Honestly, I don't get it.

 

It also seems like you're implying that because he's the married guy, it was up to him to stop this all from happening. I think you know that this doesn't make sense. You were both consenting adults.

 

In relation to what you asked: To be honest, I don't know what I expected. I don't think I was even thinking that far ahead, I just went ahead and did what I wanted and didn't think about afterwards. Then I got an ego blow, felt grossed out by both him and myself, and currently trying to process it. That's pretty much it.

 

Of course, I knew what I was doing. That's why I stated 'I had bad intentions.' I don't think I knew 100% that this would happen at that point, though. I knew there was a strong possibility, but not 100%. As for wanting to know how he felt, I didn't need to because that was pretty much confirmed when he initially mentioned drinking at his hotel. I just felt like I really wanted to see him, so I ignored it.

[shellyf62]

You were expecting the gf experience? Love making, whispering in your ear how he has always longed for you, spooning til sunrise, planning your next tryst that night, how he will count down the moments til he can touch you again?????

 

Reality was you were an unpaid prostitute who was turfed out after he was finished.

 

These things happen when you play around with married men. Better pray he used protection, or you could be dealing with a nice STD or two LOLOL

[milly007]

I hope you used protection, OP!

[Hollyj]

I've never been cheated on. But, I do have friends who have.. They never got over the infidelity, nor felt trust in their relationship. it's even worse for the kids.

 

I don't understand your attitude . You should be ashamed, but you are not.

 

This guy knew who he was dealing with: a woman with zero self worth. This is why he chose you. He knew that you didn't respect yourself and would be seeking his validation. Look what you got in the end: used and thrown out like the trash. That must really feel rewarding.

 

I'm thinking you don't have many female friends

[SKitty]

I've never been cheated on. But, I do have friends who have.. They never got over the infidelity, nor felt trust in their relationship. it's even worse for the kids.

 

I don't understand your attitude . You should be ashamed, but you are not.

 

This guy knew who he was dealing with: a woman with zero self worth. This is why he chose you. He knew that you didn't respect yourself and would be seeking his validation. Look what you got in the end: used and thrown out like the trash. That must really feel rewarding.

 

I'm thinking you don't have many female friends

 

 

1. You don't know whether I'm ashamed or not. You can't exactly see my face or know what I'm thinking.

2. I actually have more female friends than guy friends. A couple of them have stuck by me for over a decade so far.

3. I did a bad thing, yes, but I'm not trash, I'm a human. My entire existence isn't based on this one thing.

4. Get over yourself. You seem to spend copious hours on this forum judging by your post count. Go outside the house for once.

[Honeycomb8]

Getting defensive and venting anger on some forum members is really immature- it won't change reality and boy is karma gonna hit you hard.

 

I guess it's hard to accept like he did see you as something disposable.

[Hollyj]

I've been out with friends three nights this week. More activities this weekend. That's pretty common. My posting is no reflection of my social life.

 

I did not say you were trash, only your behaviour.

 

I would bet money you will experience being cheated on , due to your low level of self respect. You willl choose a bf that cheats, and then you will soon know how it feels. He will be like the creep you slept with.

[kehratha]

I don't get it why you are so harsh to OP.

 

It's like you are all mistake less or smth.

 

She did a mistake, a bad thing and she knows it. She might feel horrible because of that , she knew the guy for a long time, they had a "thing" together in the past she couldn't really get over it.

 

Apart for the ego blow, I guess deep inside she is still in love (kinda) of this guy and yes, maybe she hoped for something else.

 

I don' t want to make excuses for her, she already blocked the guy and she wants to move on from the situation, she doesn't want to DESTROY his marriage,

 

For God sake, she is not here to be crucified for all our issues from our past.

 

OP, you did a mistake, you are hurt now and I understand that, what you did has no excuse, I hope you will learn from it and see how bad those thongs make you feel.

My "advice" is not to speak to the guy again (my guessing is he will reach you again) for no reason this is not a friendship, never was. You ego will be fine again, go and find yourself a nice guy and don't live in the past.

[Maddyb12]

No need to be so harsh, OP you made a mistake sometimes it’s hard to not get caught up in the moment and you have stated this was something you had wanted for a long time. But in the end he’s married and doesn’t plan on leaving his wife so nothing good could have come out of this. I feel sadly for the wife. I think that you should be more focused on your guilt for her versus feeling sorry for yourself because you think now youll never have a good boyfriend. Use this as a learning experience and hope to make better choices in the future. This guy is not a good guy and you’re better off having him out of your life for good. There are plenty of single guys out there

[MissCanuck]

OP, the others have already taken care of calling you out, so I will skip that for now. I think all you can do at this point is sit with your feelings for a while and do some deep reflection here. Yes, you will feel guilty and angry at yourself for a while. Not much you can do about that, but process.

 

You need to get to the bottom of why you gave yourself permission to have sex with another woman's husband. There were several points along the way where you could have stopped this, because you and I both know that you realized long before you entered his hotel room that he had shady intentions. Are you lonely? Bored? Feeling kind of down about yourself and saw this as a misguided way to feel wanted again? It's worth tackling the underlying feelings and thought processes here, so you never find yourself in a position like this again.

 

Also, I would keep in mind that this man has more than likely cheated before. You are probably one of a few sidepieces. He is way too comfortable with his infidelity for this to have been his first rodeo. Remember that, should he or another taken man ever try to make contact for nefarious reasons. They see women like you as easy partners in crime, so to speak, because such women sometimes mistake their overtures and attention for genuine affection and don't have the boundaries and confidence to say no. This dude was never a friend; he's always just tried to get in your pants and it worked. Please, do not have any more communication with him.

 

There is no reason to believe you'll never have a decent boyfriend, so you need to stop making arbitrary connections between this and your future - as long as learn from this and develop more respect for yourself and for others.

[Annia]

You did something wrong yes and you were irresponsible for going to his room (too naive? Secretly hoping you'd finally get the guy and that he'd choose you over the wife? Romantic fantasies?) But you seem to have regretted and you did very well in blocking him. And yes, he's a douche and was trying to keep you around just in case so that he could get into your pants. No, he was never your friend.

 

Keep him blocked and don't communicate with him ever again please.

[Annia]

I don't think he was about to call his wife, because it was 2AM on a weekday and both cities are in the same time zone. I think he just wanted me to leave after it was done, obviously, as I stated near the end about him saying he can't sleep with other people, and that I knew it was a lie. I'm fully aware of this.

 

Self absorbed? Well yeah. Infidelity is in general a self absorbed and selfish thing to do. I agree with you.

 

Some cheaters think that it makes it better and more respectable to their partner (in their mind of course) if the affair is just sex and go with no cuddling or sleeping together or whatever. I've heard about men who have frequented encounters with prostitutes/escorts and don't consider they're cheating on their wives.

 

It was also convenient to him that you're from another city and that he could just visit, have sex and detach with no problems. If you take a look into the situation, he kept his whole stay trying to get you to his hotel room. When you didn't right way, he had to put on with your night out, expecting that with the drink you'd eventually go to his room like he wanted. He probably knew you've been attracted to him and pining for him all this time (if you didn't you wouldn't be talking to a committed and then married man for so long).

 

He seems like a douche and you seem to have lack of boundaries and seem to have been carried away by this crush. In your mind you even try to tell yourself that you and him have "history" and have had for 8 years when the truth is that after high school since he met this woman and married her you and him didn't have anything. You put him on a pedestal and created this narrative in your mind that "he's the one that got away". We live and learn.

[Clio]

OP, you got to answer your 8 year "what if". The trouble was that, given that he was married, this was going to be a no win situation for you no matter what. You got to experience sex with him and you got to finally take him off the pedestal. He is a cheater i.e. you were/are missing out on nobody special. Time to move on. No need to let the past ruin your future. Learn the lesson. Stay away from married men in the future no matter what. What you did was bad. What he did was worse. However, you made an informed choice. Blaming him afterwards was indeed self-absorbed behaviour. Reflect, learn, move on.

[Metaltwin70]

You sound ridiculous. Get over yourself. If you feel so internally enraged about this kind of situation, as I can see from your multiple replies, and think you can't provide advice, then don't post.

 

Skitty,

 

Some people think life is either black, or white. There is no grey, no in-between, you are either a saint, or a monster.

 

I don't think you are a monster. I don't think you you'll burn in hell for ever and ever for what was essentially a mistake. Neither do I think that you owe this man's wife anything because it wasn't you who said 'for better or worse, in sickness and in health', it was him.

 

I think you need to just get on with your life. What happened, happened. You can't 'un-happen' it. Self-flagellation is destructive and won't get you far. You made a mistake. You aren't the only woman on the planet to have had a ONS with someone who's attached. Perhaps look at it as a lesson for the future. These kinds of liaisons aren't good for your soul. They bring nothing but pain in the end. I wish you all the best.

[thornz]

Good Lord there are a lot of perfect people on this thread casting their judgements!

 

For the rest of us mere humans, we are susceptible to mistakes, many of them over the course of our lives, some big and some small. It’s typical to feel anger and shame when you do something wrong, particularly when another party is involved or witness to it.

 

This was one of your mistakes OP, hopefully the biggest one you will make. You can beat yourself (and him) up about it for the next decade or five or you can accept that you compromised your morals, that you deserve forgiveness but that you need to analyse this behaviour to figure out some important lessons.

 

I think realistically there is the chance that this choice of yours will adversely affect your future relationships. At the back of your mind may always be the fear that your partner may cheat on you as you have engaged in being the other woman.

 

Good news for you is life isn’t over and you can recover your faith in yourself with improved self esteem, better judgement and measured behaviour.

[j.man]

Sounds like your ego and self-esteem were just fine. If anything, they were knocked down to a proper level following this incident. You noted not once, but twice that he had an obligation to his wife yet still somehow expected a romantic connection with him that evening. That's quite a level of entitlement. I think a lot of the harshness you're being treated to in this thread has to do with the suspicion that your guilt is primarily derived not from your unethical participation, but from the fact he essentially tried to cast you out following the deed, that whatever this "8 years" was supposed to mean turned out to be nothing, and that "karma" could eventually hit you. I have to say, I likewise think we'd be seeing a very different thread had the event played out more to your liking.

 

To also run counter to a few posts, you weren't "used." You weren't a free prostitute. The opportunity to have sex with someone you'd long wanted to have sex with fell on your lap and you took it. In fact, you sat yourself on his bed and pretty much told him outright, "I don't care that you're married if you don't." While this man no doubt carries the responsibility for his marriage, that doesn't intrinsically make you the passive party many may be inclined to make you in their regard of you being used, having a low self esteem, etc.

 

A sense of remorse is perfectly healthy in this situation. Ideally, it'd come more from a place of "I probably shouldn't have done that" and less "he didn't let me sleep next to him and now I'm afraid I'll get cheated on in the future," but hey, that can come with time. Still though, at the end of the day, you're going to have to forgive yourself. Dedicating yourself to not repeating anything like this will get you very far in doing so. So long as you're honestly taking and applying the lessons that are to be learned here, there isn't a single person-- whether him, you, his wife, or us-- who benefits from you feeling perpetually guilty.

[abitbroken]

You've clearly got issues, dude. You come off as someone who has been cheated on, so you go on to the infidelity board to vent your anger and project your own issues on people. Laughing about someone getting an disease confirms that and making multiple extremely angry posts further confirms that. Maybe work out your own issues first before giving 'advice' to others?

 

So imagine how the WIFE feels? Its really odd that you are accusing people of acting like people who "were cheated on so they have issues" - yet you CREATED a new person who was cheated on - the man's WIFE! Are you really that self absorbed where you feel zero empathy for other people? There are people who are very attracted to a married person and then think about the other person's toddler or three kids or wife and they say to themselves "wait a minute..." and stop.

[abitbroken]

Good Lord there are a lot of perfect people on this thread casting their judgements!

 

For the rest of us mere humans, we are susceptible to mistakes, many of them over the course of our lives, some big and some small. It’s typical to feel anger and shame when you do something wrong, particularly when another party is involved or witness to it.

 

This was one of your mistakes OP, hopefully the biggest one you will make. You can beat yourself (and him) up about it for the next decade or five or you can accept that you compromised your morals, that you deserve forgiveness but that you need to analyse this behaviour to figure out some important lessons.

 

I think realistically there is the chance that this choice of yours will adversely affect your future relationships. At the back of your mind may always be the fear that your partner may cheat on you as you have engaged in being the other woman.

 

Good news for you is life isn’t over and you can recover your faith in yourself with improved self esteem, better judgement and measured behaviour.

 

If you had had sex with a stranger that you picked up at a bar and had NO CLUE he was married, we would have some sympathy for you that you made a 'mistake". It was a poor choice married or now. This was not a "mistake" - this was premeditated. You FULL WELL KNEW he was married and you felt after knowing him 8 years you felt "entitled" to have sex with him -- you were going to "go after it" because you "deserved it". "8 years is a long time to wait" for an engagement ring -- but to wait to have sex with a dude who never really was in a relationship with you?

[Hollyj]

I don't get it why you are so harsh to OP.

 

It's like you are all mistake less or smth.

 

She did a mistake, a bad thing and she knows it. She might feel horrible because of that , she knew the guy for a long time, they had a "thing" together in the past she couldn't really get over it.

 

Apart for the ego blow, I guess deep inside she is still in love (kinda) of this guy and yes, maybe she hoped for something else.

 

I don' t want to make excuses for her, she already blocked the guy and she wants to move on from the situation, she doesn't want to DESTROY his marriage,

 

For God sake, she is not here to be crucified for all our issues from our past.

 

OP, you did a mistake, you are hurt now and I understand that, what you did has no excuse, I hope you will learn from it and see how bad those thongs make you feel.

My "advice" is not to speak to the guy again (my guessing is he will reach you again) for no reason this is not a friendship, never was. You ego will be fine again, go and find yourself a nice guy and don't live in the past.

 

This is not all about the sleeping with a married man. This is about how it impacted her ego, after he basically threw her out after the sex. She does not seem to be expressing remorse over the act, in my opinion. This is made very clear from her defensive responses. If this dude had taken her into his arms and wanted to continue their little affair, I am certain she would not have created this thread. This is about ego, and that's it.

 

She got what she deserved!

[Hollyj]

Good Lord there are a lot of perfect people on this thread casting their judgements!

 

For the rest of us mere humans, we are susceptible to mistakes, many of them over the course of our lives, some big and some small. It’s typical to feel anger and shame when you do something wrong, particularly when another party is involved or witness to it.

 

This was one of your mistakes OP, hopefully the biggest one you will make. You can beat yourself (and him) up about it for the next decade or five or you can accept that you compromised your morals, that you deserve forgiveness but that you need to analyse this behaviour to figure out some important lessons.

 

I think realistically there is the chance that this choice of yours will adversely affect your future relationships. At the back of your mind may always be the fear that your partner may cheat on you as you have engaged in being the other woman.

 

Good news for you is life isn’t over and you can recover your faith in yourself with improved self esteem, better judgement and measured behaviour.

 

No mistake. She planned for this to happen. You don't go to some guy's hotel room, if you don't plan on having sex. She also said she didn't care. " I felt more and more like "I AM GOING TO DO WHAT I WANT, F*CK IT! 8 F*CKING YEARS!" Where do you get mistake from that comment?

[boltnrun]

People don't have to view themselves as "perfect" to see an obvious lapse in moral judgment.

 

This (as someone else pointed out) was NOT a "mistake". The OP did not accidentally trip and fall upon this man while naked and he also happened to be naked. She went to his hotel room, sat on the bed and told herself she deserved sex with him because she'd been waiting 8 FREAKING YEARS for him. Then was upset, not because she was horrified at what she'd allowed to happen, but because he wouldn't allow her to stay the night.

 

HOWEVER...this is a terrific opportunity to make some real changes. The OP can decide she will never, ever allow herself to behave this immorally ever again. She can decide to conduct her life with standards and dignity and empathy. She can decide to never again be "that woman", the one whose ego or desires or sense of entitlement dictate her actions. She can rid herself of whatever it was that had her make this choice.

 

Look, I've done some pretty awful things in my lifetime. Things that make me cringe in shame. But...I decided to change myself. I decided that I didn't want to be the kind of person who behaves unethically and immorally. I need to be able to look in the mirror and be proud of the person I see.

 

So no, I am not "perfect", far from it. I believe we can take our experiences and choose to have them help us be better people going forward. But in order to do this we HAVE to take responsibility and resist placing blame on others or alcohol or poor self esteem.

[DancingFool]

Going up to a married's man's hotel room with the intent of sleeping with him is a lot of things, but a mistake is not one of them. So let's not call actively helping a man cheat a mistake. OP wasn't walking down the street, accidentally trip and land on top on him.

 

The thing that she is so upset about is that after he was done with her, he put her out. Basically, cut her ego to size and that is hurting her. Unfortunately, women who engage in this kind of behavior, it's always about ego. A belief that they are better than the wife/gf, that they can steal the man, etc. In OP's case, things backfired big time....as they almost always do in these situations. No, she isn't remorseful at all by the way she is posting, she is angry that he treated her like a cheap prostitute....but then.....what do you think you are when you sleep with a taken man?

[Hollyj]

People don't have to view themselves as "perfect" to see an obvious lapse in moral judgment.

 

This (as someone else pointed out) was NOT a "mistake". The OP did not accidentally trip and fall upon this man while naked and he also happened to be naked. She went to his hotel room, sat on the bed and told herself she deserved sex with him because she'd been waiting 8 FREAKING YEARS for him. Then was upset, not because she was horrified at what she'd allowed to happen, but because he wouldn't allow her to stay the night.

 

HOWEVER...this is a terrific opportunity to make some real changes. The OP can decide she will never, ever allow herself to behave this immorally ever again. She can decide to conduct her life with standards and dignity and empathy. She can decide to never again be "that woman", the one whose ego or desires or sense of entitlement dictate her actions. She can rid herself of whatever it was that had her make this choice.

 

Look, I've done some pretty awful things in my lifetime. Things that make me cringe in shame. But...I decided to change myself. I decided that I didn't want to be the kind of person who behaves unethically and immorally. I need to be able to look in the mirror and be proud of the person I see.

 

So no, I am not "perfect", far from it. I believe we can take our experiences and choose to have them help us be better people going forward. But in order to do this we HAVE to take responsibility and resist placing blame on others or alcohol or poor self esteem.

 

Great post!

[Hollyj]

Going up to a married's man's hotel room with the intent of sleeping with him is a lot of things, but a mistake is not one of them. So let's not call actively helping a man cheat a mistake. OP wasn't walking down the street, accidentally trip and land on top on him.

 

The thing that she is so upset about is that after he was done with her, he put her out. Basically, cut her ego to size and that is hurting her. Unfortunately, women who engage in this kind of behavior, it's always about ego. A belief that they are better than the wife/gf, that they can steal the man, etc. In OP's case, things backfired big time....as they almost always do in these situations. No, she isn't remorseful at all by the way she is posting, she is angry that he treated her like a cheap prostitute....but then.....what do you think you are when you sleep with a taken man?

 

Another great post!

 

As women we should be supporting one another, not trying to sabotage - In the workplace, other women's men, friendship etc.....

[Annia]

Sounds like your ego and self-esteem were just fine. If anything, they were knocked down to a proper level following this incident. You noted not once, but twice that he had an obligation to his wife yet still somehow expected a romantic connection with him that evening. That's quite a level of entitlement. I think a lot of the harshness you're being treated to in this thread has to do with the suspicion that your guilt is primarily derived not from your unethical participation, but from the fact he essentially tried to cast you out following the deed, that whatever this "8 years" was supposed to mean turned out to be nothing, and that "karma" could eventually hit you. I have to say, I likewise think we'd be seeing a very different thread had the event played out more to your liking.

 

To also run counter to a few posts, you weren't "used." You weren't a free prostitute. The opportunity to have sex with someone you'd long wanted to have sex with fell on your lap and you took it. In fact, you sat yourself on his bed and pretty much told him outright, "I don't care that you're married if you don't." While this man no doubt carries the responsibility for his marriage, that doesn't intrinsically make you the passive party many may be inclined to make you in their regard of you being used, having a low self esteem, etc.

 

A sense of remorse is perfectly healthy in this situation. Ideally, it'd come more from a place of "I probably shouldn't have done that" and less "he didn't let me sleep next to him and now I'm afraid I'll get cheated on in the future," but hey, that can come with time. Still though, at the end of the day, you're going to have to forgive yourself. Dedicating yourself to not repeating anything like this will get you very far in doing so. So long as you're honestly taking and applying the lessons that are to be learned here, there isn't a single person-- whether him, you, his wife, or us-- who benefits from you feeling perpetually guilty.

 

Couldn't agree more!