I did something bad with a married man

[Batya33]

"Sounds like your ego and self-esteem were just fine. If anything, they were knocked down to a proper level following this incident. You noted not once, but twice that he had an obligation to his wife yet still somehow expected a romantic connection with him that evening. That's quite a level of entitlement. I think a lot of the harshness you're being treated to in this thread has to do with the suspicion that your guilt is primarily derived not from your unethical participation, but from the fact he essentially tried to cast you out following the deed, that whatever this "8 years" was supposed to mean turned out to be nothing, and that "karma" could eventually hit you. I have to say, I likewise think we'd be seeing a very different thread had the event played out more to your liking.

 

To also run counter to a few posts, you weren't "used." You weren't a free prostitute. The opportunity to have sex with someone you'd long wanted to have sex with fell on your lap and you took it. In fact, you sat yourself on his bed and pretty much told him outright, "I don't care that you're married if you don't." While this man no doubt carries the responsibility for his marriage, that doesn't intrinsically make you the passive party many may be inclined to make you in their regard of you being used, having a low self esteem, etc.

 

A sense of remorse is perfectly healthy in this situation. Ideally, it'd come more from a place of "I probably shouldn't have done that" and less "he didn't let me sleep next to him and now I'm afraid I'll get cheated on in the future," but hey, that can come with time. Still though, at the end of the day, you're going to have to forgive yourself. Dedicating yourself to not repeating anything like this will get you very far in doing so. So long as you're honestly taking and applying the lessons that are to be learned here, there isn't a single person-- whether him, you, his wife, or us-- who benefits from you feeling perpetually guilty."

 

 

 

Beating yourself up serves no purpose. Self-indulgent and waste of energy. I agree with what Jman and others wrote in that vein. Here's an idea -how about give an amount of money that is somewhat beyond your budget- and donate it to an organization that helps bring positive change to some aspect of your community, or of individual's lives -and then also commit yourself to volunteer your time maybe at an organization that helps women and if it means you sacrifice some or all of your free/socializing time to volunteer, so be it. It won't erase your bad choices and actions in the least but it will channel your energy to making a positive change and maybe help combat some of the self-absorption, including to how you think beating yourself up "feeling" badly/ guilty doesn't help you or anyone else.

[itsallgrand]

^ I totally agree with this.

 

You can't change what you have done. You can do something for others right now, today, that adds a positive contribution. Put your energy into that.

 

I remember being a child and pulling out flowers from a neighbours flower garden. I knew it was wrong, but I found them so pretty and wanted them so bad. I felt so ashamed I hid them and when my mom found them, all withered and dead, she had me go to the neighbour and apologize and I was to help plant flowers ( more than I took) with her. The lesson really took.

 

You build who you are to be with actions. sometimes it's better to do rather than just say and talk about how you feel. You can say how sorry you are or how bad you feel til the cows come home but the proof is in the pudding. No one can argue with good work.

[thornz]

Another great post!

 

As women we should be supporting one another, not trying to sabotage - In the workplace, other women's men, friendship etc.....

 

My perspective is that your posts on this thread and some posts by others contradict this sentiment.

 

As for those claiming the OP’s actions were not a mistake because she had considered them prior, I said mistake not accident. If you want to play semantic chess shall I update my statement to “series of mistakes”? Dear me.

[thornz]

People don't have to view themselves as "perfect" to see an obvious lapse in moral judgment.

 

This (as someone else pointed out) was NOT a "mistake". The OP did not accidentally trip and fall upon this man while naked and he also happened to be naked. She went to his hotel room, sat on the bed and told herself she deserved sex with him because she'd been waiting 8 FREAKING YEARS for him. Then was upset, not because she was horrified at what she'd allowed to happen, but because he wouldn't allow her to stay the night.

 

HOWEVER...this is a terrific opportunity to make some real changes. The OP can decide she will never, ever allow herself to behave this immorally ever again. She can decide to conduct her life with standards and dignity and empathy. She can decide to never again be "that woman", the one whose ego or desires or sense of entitlement dictate her actions. She can rid herself of whatever it was that had her make this choice.

 

Look, I've done some pretty awful things in my lifetime. Things that make me cringe in shame. But...I decided to change myself. I decided that I didn't want to be the kind of person who behaves unethically and immorally. I need to be able to look in the mirror and be proud of the person I see.

 

So no, I am not "perfect", far from it. I believe we can take our experiences and choose to have them help us be better people going forward. But in order to do this we HAVE to take responsibility and resist placing blame on others or alcohol or poor self esteem.

 

I totally agree that you don’t have to be perfect to see a lapse in moral judgement but there are respectful and constructive ways to express to the OP how to make necessary improvements.

 

A number of posts seem to me (and others) to be uncalled for, bullying I would call it. Let he is without sin cast the first stone etc. I don’t think it is anyone’s place to assume they are a better person than the OP and that is the distinct vibe I am getting from some posts.

[milly007]

I totally agree that you don’t have to be perfect to see a lapse in moral judgement but there are respectful and constructive ways to express to the OP how to make necessary improvements.

 

A number of posts seem to me (and others) to be uncalled for, bullying I would call it. Let he is without sin cast the first stone etc. I don’t think it is anyone’s place to assume they are a better person than the OP and that is the distinct vibe I am getting from some posts.

 

I agree with you, thornz.

 

I absolutely love this forum, and more often than not come here for advice since I don't want to burden my loved ones and good friends with my thoughts/problems.

 

I do think that, at times, the replies to some of the threads on here can come across as bullying, mean, self-righteous, passive aggressive, etc. Although I'd like to think that everyone here is coming from a good place and has good intentions, I can't imagine coming here, looking for advice, and feeling attacked - especially when you have no one else to turn to.

 

Some of the feedback people receive on here could affect them more than we realize; especially if they're already unstable, desperate for help, etc.

 

We've all made mistakes and had lapses in judgment. Although I definitely don't condone or agree with what the OP did, I'm sure the OP does have her regrets and is looking for helpful suggestions to assist her with getting through this time.

 

OP, all you can do at this point is accept what happened, learn from it (and this includes acknowledging that you played a big part in what transpired), forgive yourself and move on. Most importantly, make a vow to yourself that you won't allow anything like this to happen again. Your gut (and reason) was telling you to abort the situation. Next time, don't ignore these feelings!

 

We can't allow the decisions that we've made (and their repercussions) to rule our lives; hence why it's important that we learn to forgive ourselves and move on.

 

Hoping that you've found some useful information in this thread, OP.

[Hollyj]

My perspective is that your posts on this thread and some posts by others contradict this sentiment.

 

As for those claiming the OP’s actions were not a mistake because she had considered them prior, I said mistake not accident. If you want to play semantic chess shall I update my statement to “series of mistakes”? Dear me.

 

Really. I will not be supportive of women who intentionally chose to hurt others for their own selfish reasons. This is not sisterhood. I would expect the same if I acted out in this manner. Honestly, I don't care about your perspective.

 

Go back and reread. No where did I say "accident."

[Batya33]

Really. I will not be supportive of women who intentionally chose to hurt others for their own selfish reasons. This is not sisterhood. I would expect the same if I acted out in this manner. Honestly, I don't care about your perspective.

 

Go back and reread. No where did I say "accident."

 

I agree. She knew exactly what she was doing and meant to do it. She also chose to get drunk and chose the consequences. He cheated on his wife. She is not married but she participated, willingly and happily in all of this because you know she restrained herself for 8 years.

[Seraphim]

It was not a mistake. It was on purpose. Mistake implies you didn’t know or have all the information to make a proper judgement. That was not the case. This was a calculated move. A calculated move is not a mistake .

[j.man]

A mistake, literally, is to take in error. The "error" or "wrong" is in the performance, not the ethics. There was no error in what the OP did. Her take was to have sex with a married man. She successfully did so. Throw in the unquestionable intent and it only seals the deal that much stronger. What makes the difference between a mistake and an unethical decision / action is whether she knew he was married. Not knowing = mistake. She'd meant to have sex without participating in someone's infidelity. Knowing = a swing and a hit. Mission accomplished.

 

My past is far from pristine. None of the terrible decisions I've made are ever referenced to as "mistakes." Mistakes can be repeated. The deeply regrettable decisions I've made can't and won't be.

 

Normally I might just let the semantics be. A lot of people use the word wrongly, but genuinely as a mistake. However, there are numerous exerts from the OP's account that would suggest the distinction is very relevant. She, after all, had no obligations.

[goddess]

He's disgusting??!!?? You're angry??!!! You really have some nerve!

 

YOU are the one who created all of it. YOU are the one who followed him down the path and practically jumped on someone else's husband.

 

You've got no right what so ever to be angry. The picture you had of him is now destroyed?? How do you get off saying these things? YOU are the one who slept with a married man.

You knew better, you knew what you were doing. You were very calculating.

At any point you could have said no, but you told yourself you had a right because you waited 8 years??!! What a load of bs!

 

You had no right, you never had a right.

 

And now you expect someone to feel sorry for you or to feel badly because he used you and asked you nicely to leave?

What exactly were you expecting? This is someone else's man...not yours.

 

You should have blocked and moved on years ago. It made no sense what so ever to remain in contact.

You helped destroy a marriage, and yes, you'd better hope that karma doesn't come back or else the next man you fall madly in love with will have a shady woman in the background ready to jump him!!!

 

I agree 100% with SherrySher. YOU, and only YOU, were responsible. Don't blame it on the alcohol!!!!!! Women like you make me sick. He's married. He's someone else's husband. Abe, he is disgusting for having sex with you. You are both at fault - 100% so don't be crying now.

[goddess]

You knew what you were doing. You're just as bad as him!

 

I totally agree. You knew exactly what you were doing and what was going to happen. Don't play Little Miss Innocent!

[thornz]

A mistake, literally, is to take in error. The "error" or "wrong" is in the performance, not the ethics. There was no error in what the OP did. Her take was to have sex with a married man. She successfully did so. Throw in the unquestionable intent and it only seals the deal that much stronger. What makes the difference between a mistake and an unethical decision / action is whether she knew he was married. Not knowing = mistake. She'd meant to have sex without participating in someone's infidelity. Knowing = a swing and a hit. Mission accomplished.

 

My past is far from pristine. None of the terrible decisions I've made are ever referenced to as "mistakes." Mistakes can be repeated. The deeply regrettable decisions I've made can't and won't be.

 

Normally I might just let the semantics be. A lot of people use the word wrongly, but genuinely as a mistake. However, there are numerous exerts from the OP's account that would suggest the distinction is very relevant. She, after all, had no obligations.

 

Please forgive my mistake in not recognising the distinction between mistake and poor decision 🤣

 

I think the semantics debate is entirely detracting from the point I was trying to make. We are all human, none of us infallible. I think it’s more constructive to offer the OP useful advice that can help her grow and learn from this mistake/unethical decision/poor morals or whatever you see it as.

 

I can only speak for myself when I say this but I suspect it may ring true for others, being berated has rarely led me to useful introspection.

[thornz]

I agree with you, thornz.

 

I absolutely love this forum, and more often than not come here for advice since I don't want to burden my loved ones and good friends with my thoughts/problems.

 

I do think that, at times, the replies to some of the threads on here can come across as bullying, mean, self-righteous, passive aggressive, etc. Although I'd like to think that everyone here is coming from a good place and has good intentions, I can't imagine coming here, looking for advice, and feeling attacked - especially when you have no one else to turn to.

 

Some of the feedback people receive on here could affect them more than we realize; especially if they're already unstable, desperate for help, etc.

 

We've all made mistakes and had lapses in judgment. Although I definitely don't condone or agree with what the OP did, I'm sure the OP does have her regrets and is looking for helpful suggestions to assist her with getting through this time.

 

OP, all you can do at this point is accept what happened, learn from it (and this includes acknowledging that you played a big part in what transpired), forgive yourself and move on. Most importantly, make a vow to yourself that you won't allow anything like this to happen again. Your gut (and reason) was telling you to abort the situation. Next time, don't ignore these feelings!

 

We can't allow the decisions that we've made (and their repercussions) to rule our lives; hence why it's important that we learn to forgive ourselves and move on.

 

Hoping that you've found some useful information in this thread, OP.

 

Yes I love this forum too! I would say on the whole my experiences have been positive and the advice I have received genuinely has improved my quality of life a lot. I am honestly a much better person (by my standards) than I was before joining and it saddens me that others might miss that opportunity to evolve so dramatically due to a negative introduction.

 

Unfortunately I have been on the receiving end of some unsavoury comments on my posts and they definitely not had a positive result. You could say in a way that I learnt something from them about how to communicate more effectively.

 

Sorry for banging on lol

[Batya33]

"We've all made mistakes and had lapses in judgment. Although I definitely don't condone or agree with what the OP did, I'm sure the OP does have her regrets and is looking for helpful suggestions to assist her with getting through this time. "

 

It wasn't a mistake. She intended to give in to her desire to have sex with him and didn't care that he was married. And we haven't all made that kind of mistake where you intentionally set out to do something that you know could really hurt someone as she said she did. I don't think she is looking for assistance to get through it -I think her focus was to vent, her focus was to indulge in beating herself up, her focus was to try to point out how he wronged her.

[milly007]

"We've all made mistakes and had lapses in judgment. Although I definitely don't condone or agree with what the OP did, I'm sure the OP does have her regrets and is looking for helpful suggestions to assist her with getting through this time. "

 

It wasn't a mistake. She intended to give in to her desire to have sex with him and didn't care that he was married. And we haven't all made that kind of mistake where you intentionally set out to do something that you know could really hurt someone as she said she did. I don't think she is looking for assistance to get through it -I think her focus was to vent, her focus was to indulge in beating herself up, her focus was to try to point out how he wronged her.

 

Batya, I'm not here to engage in disagreements/arguments with you or anyone else. You can pick apart my posts or anyone else's all you want. If you read my initial post in this thread (which you should), you'll know how I feel about this situation. Also, if you read my full post (which you partially quoted above, you should get the jist of my response).

 

So maybe she did come here to vent her frustrations. She's entitled to do that, obviously. The OP has acknowledged her intent. Heck, her whole original post she was confessing to her feelings and that she knew what she was about to do and did was wrong.

 

Regardless, my point is, although I can appreciate why some people reacted angrily to this thread (completely get it), I do have concerns about online bullying, and particularly any posts that may shame a poster and make them feel (even more, in some cases) worthless. We just don't know how the person on the receiving end will react.

 

Kicking someone while they're down isn't productive, imo. The OP acknowledges that what she did was wrong. She knew this prior to the deed even happening. However, the reality of it all kicked in after the fact.

 

People come to this forum for advice, and in some cases, they don't have anyone else to turn to.

 

You have to question someone's self-worth in circumstances such as the OP's, so her coming here and people consistently telling her how horrible she is and what she did feeds those feelings of worthlessness. All I'm saying is, I wish more people were more mindful of their word choices. That's it.

 

Sure, maybe you haven't set out to intentionally hurt someone, but I'm sure you've found yourself in circumstances that you wish you could take back, or where you wished you would be forgiven.

 

Or have you ever confided in a friend about something that you did and just felt judged and ridiculed? Doesn't feel good, right? Even though you knew and admitted that what you did was wrong.

 

See where I'm going with this?

 

If you don't, that's fine. We can agree to disagree. We're all entitled to our own opinion, but I don't want the point of my post to be misconstrued.

[j.man]

Yeah, I gotta say. If there's ever been anyone whose sense of self-worth I was worried for, it wasn't someone who took for granted they could just bang a married individual and sleep in their bed in place of their spouse. Even I can only dream of an ego that large.

 

Argue the efficacy of moralistic diatribes all you want, but to regard the OP as a downed horse is hilarious.

[milly007]

Yeah, I gotta say. If there's ever been anyone whose sense of self-worth I was worried for, it wasn't someone who took for granted they could just bang a married individual and sleep in their bed in place of their spouse. Even I can only dream of an ego that large.

 

Argue the efficacy of moralistic diatribes all you want, but to regard the OP as a downed horse is hilarious.

 

Then go ahead, laugh all you want, Jman.

 

No one's stopping you.

[Batya33]

Batya, I'm not here to engage in disagreements/arguments with you or anyone else. You can pick apart my posts or anyone else's all you want. If you read my initial post in this thread (which you should), you'll know how I feel about this situation. Also, if you read my full post (which you partially quoted above, you should get the jist of my response).

 

So maybe she did come here to vent her frustrations. She's entitled to do that, obviously. The OP has acknowledged her intent. Heck, her whole original post she was confessing to her feelings and that she knew what she was about to do and did was wrong.

 

Regardless, my point is, although I can appreciate why some people reacted angrily to this thread (completely get it), I do have concerns about online bullying, and particularly any posts that may shame a poster and make them feel (even more, in some cases) worthless. We just don't know how the person on the receiving end will react.

 

Kicking someone while they're down isn't productive, imo. The OP acknowledges that what she did was wrong. She knew this prior to the deed even happening. However, the reality of it all kicked in after the fact.

 

People come to this forum for advice, and in some cases, they don't have anyone else to turn to.

 

You have to question someone's self-worth in circumstances such as the OP's, so her coming here and people consistently telling her how horrible she is and what she did feeds those feelings of worthlessness. All I'm saying is, I wish more people were more mindful of their word choices. That's it.

 

Sure, maybe you haven't set out to intentionally hurt someone, but I'm sure you've found yourself in circumstances that you wish you could take back, or where you wished you would be forgiven.

 

Or have you ever confided in a friend about something that you did and just felt judged and ridiculed? Doesn't feel good, right? Even though you knew and admitted that what you did was wrong.

 

See where I'm going with this?

 

If you don't, that's fine. We can agree to disagree. We're all entitled to our own opinion, but I don't want the point of my post to be misconstrued.

 

I wasn't looking to debate either.

 

I don't agree with the bullying analogy in this situation.

I agree with what Jman wrote about your post.

No, I don't empathize or sympathize with someone who admits to having bad intentions, acting on those intentions and then complaining about how the married man treated her after she had sex with him.

By contrast, my friend recently cheated on her husband and got caught. He also did some incredibly awful things to her which she discovered after. I do not condone her choice to have the affair. Neither does she. And I haven't stood in judgment of her, to her, and I won't. And that's because she is remorseful and is not trying to justify her actions and is taking steps to try to make things right (despite that they are getting a divorce).

[Capricorn3]

Thread has run its course.