I don't know what to do

[itsallgrand]

They already threatened to not fund my wedding, but I also fear the anger Dad has and the possibility of throwing me out as well.

 

You still live at home?

 

I don't know. To me, if you are planning to be in a marriage, standing on your own should have already happened by now.

It doesn't sound like you are ready to get married .

[SnugglePuggle]

I'm ready to do that. My parents were just happy to let me be able to work on my own and not have to pay rent and bills for awhile. I was always going to move out after awhile but then the engagement came in so that went out the window.

[SnugglePuggle]

I'm ready. I just had a hard time getting a full time job in my area after I graduated from college, that was enough to be able for me to live on my own because where I grew up, it's really expensive. Since I didn't have any experience in my field, no one wanted me and I was just having part time jobs. Then the engagement came in and of course I was going to move to my fiance's place so I couldn't get my own anyway.

[Wiseman2]

How does he feel about supporting you? Have you gone to premarital counselling? Usually the logistics and complications of marriage are discussed, such as fiances, responsibilities, kids, in-laws, affection/sex,etc.

Then the engagement came in and of course I was going to move to my fiance's place so I couldn't get my own anyway.

[SnugglePuggle]

How does he feel about supporting you? Have you gone to premarital counselling? Usually the logistics and complications of marriage are discussed, such as fiances, responsibilities, kids, in-laws, affection/sex,etc.

 

He is all in about supporting me. He's been saving money to fall back on if it takes me awhile to find a job in his area. And yes, we've gone to premarital counseling, and already did our course for the marriage license as well. We've talked through all of that already and are on the same page.

[catfeeder]

I'm confused. Do you intend to have a monogamous marriage? If so, how does bisexuality enter into this?

[SnugglePuggle]

I'm confused. Do you intend to have a monogamous marriage? If so, how does bisexuality enter into this?

 

We do. But my holy Christian parents are dead set against it, and are threatening to pull funding for my wedding in 3 weeks because "there is no such thing as a bisexual, they're fully gay" and "even if he's sincere, he will still hurt you" and that I will always "wonder if he will want to go try something with a guy" among all this bullcrap and thinks I'm "listening to lies" and "letting Satan take a hold of me."

 

Ugh.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, people do not have to finance something they don't believe in or are simply against.

[SnugglePuggle]

Unfortunately, people do not have to finance something they don't believe in or are simply against.

 

I understand but it still is just not only hurtful, but awful as well that they think this way and are willing to do this to their daughter. My fiance is willing to spend his savings on doing a wedding without them if needed, but he doesn't want to postpone the wedding like they want. We will be going to our counselor tonight but I am worried they won't listen to her and still think my fiance is gay and that I'll be divorced years down the line with two kids.

[itsallgrand]

I'm ready. I just had a hard time getting a full time job in my area after I graduated from college, that was enough to be able for me to live on my own because where I grew up, it's really expensive. Since I didn't have any experience in my field, no one wanted me and I was just having part time jobs. Then the engagement came in and of course I was going to move to my fiance's place so I couldn't get my own anyway.

 

Not sure why you'd say ' of course' you'd move into your fiancé s place and have him support you. You are skipping the entire learning independence aspect of adulthood here.

 

You seem resistant to advice which would put your responsibilities on you. Your parents having differing beliefs from you isn't the problem here. If you were independent , or at least willing to take that on, you could simply thank them for the good things they provided in your life and agree to disagree on this.

 

For those people in my life who chose to try and force their own religious beliefs on me, I stood up to them and found a nice way to essentially say 'shove it'. It's boundaries. Much easier to do when you are able to take or leave anything they may offer which may have strings attached.

[SnugglePuggle]

Not sure why you'd say ' of course' you'd move into your fiancé s place and have him support you. You are skipping the entire learning independence aspect of adulthood here.

 

You seem resistant to advice which would put your responsibilities on you. Your parents having differing beliefs from you isn't the problem here. If you were independent , or at least willing to take that on, you could simply thank them for the good things they provided in your life and agree to disagree on this.

 

For those people in my life who chose to try and force their own religious beliefs on me, I stood up to them and found a nice way to essentially say 'shove it'. It's boundaries. Much easier to do when you are able to take or leave anything they may offer which may have strings attached.

 

I always wanted to have my own independence and learn that aspect of adulthood but like I said, the cards weren't in it for me at the time and then I got engaged. It would have been stupid to move out with such little time before the wedding especially when I haven't been able to afford it.

 

The hard part is, I grew up as the quiet do-goody, "perfect" daughter and they don't like rebellious acts, even if I'm not a child anymore, and they already think I'm stubborn and "listening to Satan." I definitely think they are wrong in a lot of points, and I grew up in a different time in the world than they did, and it's just not right for them to push their "beliefs" whether true or not consistently on me.

 

I'm just emotionally drained and tired of this whole ordeal. But still unsure of how to respond to them anymore because it seams they want me to tell them what they want to hear, which is not what I want.

[Wiseman2]

What is it they want to hear? Agree that pushing beliefs is wrong. Likewise they don't have to accept your beliefs. The problems seems to be your being afraid of them and their pulling the financing of the wedding. Stop fretting and do what you feel is right. If they won't pay for a wedding they disapprove of your fiance said he would pay, right?

it's just not right for them to push their "beliefs"

[SnugglePuggle]

What is it they want to hear? Agree that pushing beliefs is wrong. Likewise they don't have to accept your beliefs. The problems seems to be your being afraid of them and their pulling the financing of the wedding. Stop fretting and do what you feel is right. If they won't pay for a wedding they disapprove of your fiance said he would pay, right?

 

They want me to postpone the wedding and tell them I have reservations about him being bi, which I don't want and I'm not having any reservations. I guess I am worried about it them pulling funding and/or throwing me out, but I'm still sticking with what I want. I'll see tonight at our therapist if she can help turn them around or at least get them to be apart of my wedding, but if worst scenario comes, my fiance will pay for it and they won't be invited.

[Seraphim]

Follow your own beliefs and move out. Realize however you will be paying your own wedding which you should anyway and standing as an adult on your own. Having parental approval is great but as adults not necessary. Just as you don’t want to be shoved into a belief they don’t either and that is adult life. People are not going to agree with you.

[catfeeder]

Originally Posted by catfeeder

I'm confused. Do you intend to have a monogamous marriage? If so, how does bisexuality enter into this?

 

We do. But my holy Christian parents are dead set against it, and are threatening to pull funding for my wedding in 3 weeks because "there is no such thing as a bisexual, they're fully gay" and "even if he's sincere, he will still hurt you" and that I will always "wonder if he will want to go try something with a guy" among all this bullcrap and thinks I'm "listening to lies" and "letting Satan take a hold of me."

 

Ugh.

 

This still doesn't answer the question. How does identifying as bisexual fit with committing to a monogamous marriage? Wouldn't he have ditched the switch a long time ago?

 

Sounds like fishing with a drama magnet.

[SnugglePuggle]

This still doesn't answer the question. How does identifying as bisexual fit with committing to a monogamous marriage? Wouldn't he have ditched the switch a long time ago?

 

Sounds like fishing with a drama magnet.

 

He still likes guys. But is committed to me. But my parents don't think he is fully committed and that being bisexual is wrong and a sin against God.

[catfeeder]

He still likes guys. But is committed to me. But my parents don't think he is fully committed and that being bisexual is wrong and a sin against God.

 

Why would someone who's willing to commit to a monogamous marriage want to hold up a public banner of bisexuality, other than to cause a drama about it? It's either irrelevant at that point, or your parents may be onto something about the guy's level of maturity.

 

We can hold up a banner of sexuality to identify who we want to date, but it doesn't make any sense to hold a banner at the alter that doesn't align with the vows we're about to take.

[Wiseman2]

Are you hoping he will become purely heterosexual? Has he ever been with a guy? When is the last time that you know of? Have you had that conversation?Your parents are simply acting on their faith and it's teachings. They can believe whatever they chose to believe. Are you getting married in their church?

He still likes guys. But is committed to me. But my parents don't think he is fully committed and that being bisexual is wrong and a sin against God.

[SnugglePuggle]

Are you hoping he will become purely heterosexual? Has he ever been with a guy? When is the last time that you know of? Have you had that conversation?Your parents are simply acting on their faith and it's teachings. They can believe whatever they chose to believe. Are you getting married in their church?

 

No, he's never been with a guy. And yes, the wedding is supposed to be in my grandparents church.

[SnugglePuggle]

Why would someone who's willing to commit to a monogamous marriage want to hold up a public banner of bisexuality, other than to cause a drama about it? It's either irrelevant at that point, or your parents may be onto something about the guy's level of maturity.

 

We can hold up a banner of sexuality to identify who we want to date, but it doesn't make any sense to hold a banner at the alter that doesn't align with the vows we're about to take.

 

He's not wanting to be public about it. His so called friends outted him while drunk, and it just so happened that my brother was there, who then outted to my parents after promising not too. If you had my parents as yours, you would understand. They grew up in a different world than I and my fiance have, and they are extremely religious and over protective. They just want time to process this but my fiance is not wanting to postpone this at all.

[Seraphim]

He's not wanting to be public about it. His so called friends outted him while drunk, and it just so happened that my brother was there, who then outted to my parents after promising not too. If you had my parents as yours, you would understand. They grew up in a different world than I and my fiance have, and they are extremely religious and over protective. They just want time to process this but my fiance is not wanting to postpone this at all.

You don’t know how other people grew up though. Right ?

[thealchemist]

He's not wanting to be public about it. His so called friends outted him while drunk, and it just so happened that my brother was there, who then outted to my parents after promising not too. If you had my parents as yours, you would understand. They grew up in a different world than I and my fiance have, and they are extremely religious and over protective. They just want time to process this but my fiance is not wanting to postpone this at all.

My parents and family at one point told me they wouldn't support me marrying my "protestant wh0re" girlfriend because they were just as judgemental as your parents.

 

You have no idea the amount of crazy religious indoctrination that runs rampant in many families if you think you are alone in your predicament.

 

I feel that you lack the support and resolve your fiance deserves.

 

I told my family they could support or not support whatever they want but if they won't support my choice of a spouse in my life then they don't support me and I have no room for people like that in my life.

 

Your husband/wife should supersede all but your children.

 

But they also never paid for our wedding either, so I wasn't going to take their complaints.

 

If you accept their money then you aren't independent and they have every right to speak their minds.

 

But we just had to scale down our wedding when we discovered we had zero financial support. Which involved not inviting many people our parents wanted to attend.

[SnugglePuggle]

My parents and family at one point told me they wouldn't support me marrying my "protestant wh0re" girlfriend because they were just as judgemental as your parents.

 

You have no idea the amount of crazy religious indoctrination that runs rampant in many families if you think you are alone in your predicament.

 

I feel that you lack the support and resolve your fiance deserves.

 

I told my family they could support or not support whatever they want but if they won't support my choice of a spouse in my life then they don't support me and I have no room for people like that in my life.

 

Your husband/wife should supersede all but your children.

 

But they also never paid for our wedding either, so I wasn't going to take their complaints.

 

If you accept their money then you aren't independent and they have every right to speak their minds.

 

But we just had to scale down our wedding when we discovered we had zero financial support. Which involved not inviting many people our parents wanted to attend.

 

 

Sigh. I thought I had everything worked out. My parents and my fiance decided so we can heal, to delay it 2 months. Everything was going fine! Then my fiance calls and says HIS family won't do it and won't come to the wedding because of my Dad's "bigoted" views. So now, my fiance is begging me to elope, and if I don't want too, it's over. He's too hurt to try to fight anymore and won't negotiate.

 

I'm so torn and messed up right now.

[Wiseman2]

Your fiance doesn't have your best interests at heart. Why is he rushing you, forcing ultimatums and threatening to break up? It's a good call to postpone and a better one to cancel the whole thing. What started out wanting to defy your very religious, very conservative parents ended up with your fiance doing the most harm after all. At 22 and 24 what's the big hurry and rush down the aisle? Is it to move out of your parents home? There are better ways of doing that than being with someone who will turn his back on you.. It sounds like your fiance doesn't have your back if he's ready to dump you in a heartbeat. There are plenty of great guys out there who wouldn't try to force you like this or do this to you.

my fiance is begging me to elope, and if I don't want too, it's over.

[SnugglePuggle]

Your fiance doesn't have your best interests at heart. Why is he rushing you, forcing ultimatums and threatening to break up? It's a good call to postpone and a better one to cancel the whole thing. What started out wanting to defy your very religious, very conservative parents ended up with your fiance doing the most harm after all. At 22 and 24 what's the big hurry and rush down the aisle? Is it to move out of your parents home? There are better ways of doing that than being with someone who will turn his back on you.. It sounds like your fiance doesn't have your back if he's ready to dump you in a heartbeat. There are plenty of great guys out there who wouldn't try to force you like this or do this to you.

 

I'm 24, he's 25. He's extremely hurt, just like I am, and is only doing what he's known how to do all his life because he's had a hard time growing up, and I can't fault him for that. It's something he needs to work on though.

 

Our relationship hasn't been this rocky, and we are so strong together and I can see a future with him. But things have just suddenly come out and everyone is hurt and feeling raw and it's complicated things a lot.