He flies First Class, while I fly Coach -- Non-judgemental insight needed

[citrusgreen]

Apparently, citrusgreen, you should be thankful he even asked you to come with him and that he bought you a seat or flew you on the same flight as him.

 

Wait, I actually can’t tell if you are saying this facetiously, or if you mean it literally.

 

The thing is I *am* grateful for those things. But I have a nagging feeling that maybe us flying and him sitting in First and putting me in coach is a warning sign. I’m having a little trouble shaking it.... but I’m not stewing or resentful or angry.

 

But on a few occasions I’ve gotten this subtle feeling that I’m supposed to be the “grateful” one in the relationship — based on the fact that he’s able to afford more than I can. And I don’t like that feeling...

[j.man]

Personally, I absolutely loath the dynamic many have in relationships which often simply boils down to misery loving company. This situation is quite similar to a friend of mine whose lady gets upset if he goes to a party they were both invited to if she's sick. It's like ".... really??" Yes, it sucks she's sick. Yes, it sucks you're not in first class. But neither of these are him having taken anything from you to benefit himself. There's no slight. Honestly reflect on why you in any way would benefit from knowing, even full-on encouraging your partner give up an opportunity for comfort, for which you've given up nothing for him to have?

 

I just can't, and I don't know how anyone purporting to love and support their partner could or would. Sure, I don't want our entire livelihoods to be built around whatever respective equivalent of her being in first class and myself in economy, but if my fiancee were to be given a nice opportunity to kick her feet up and have some free drinks, I'm nothing but 100% thrilled for her. Would you give up a free spa day you won in a raffle because you only got one voucher? That'd be pretty insane. But maybe that's just me. I don't tend to look at the fortune of others in a spiteful manner. There's absolutely zero sense in both of us being crunched up in economy if one of us doesn't have to be.

[ThatwasThen]

Wait, I actually can’t tell if you are saying this facetiously, or if you mean it literally.

 

The thing is I *am* grateful for those things. But I have a nagging feeling that maybe us flying and him sitting in First and putting me in coach is a warning sign. I’m having a little trouble shaking it.... but I’m not stewing or resentful or angry.

 

But on a few occasions I’ve gotten this subtle feeling that I’m supposed to be the “grateful” one in the relationship — based on the fact that he’s able to afford more than I can. And I don’t like that feeling...

 

Then I suggest you break up with him now and find someone who doesn't make you feel lesser due to income. Better to do it now before you're at a point where you THINK you can't leave him because you'll suffer financially and "class" wise.

 

Have you talked to him about the way you sometimes feel? Maybe you should start there before you start over?

 

Personally, I absolutely loath the dynamic many have in relationships which often simply boils down to misery loving company. This situation is quite similar to a friend of mine whose lady gets upset if he goes to a party they were both invited to if she's sick. It's like ".... really??" Yes, it sucks she's sick. Yes, it sucks you're not in first class. But neither of these are him having taken anything from you to benefit himself. There's no slight. Honestly reflect on why you in any way would benefit from knowing, even full-on encouraging your partner give up an opportunity for comfort, for which you've given up nothing for him to have?

 

I just can't, and I don't know how anyone purporting to love and support their partner could or would. Sure, I don't want our entire livelihoods to be built around whatever respective equivalent of her being in first class and myself in economy, but if my fiancee were to be given a nice opportunity to kick her feet up and have some free drinks, I'm nothing but 100% thrilled for her. But maybe that's just me. I don't tend to look at the fortune of others in a spiteful manner. There's absolutely zero sense in both of us being crunched up in economy if one of us doesn't have to be.

Amen!

[mustlovedogs]

Let me throw in another perspective.

 

He may not realize how you’re feeling about money because he’s forgotten what it’s like to not be as well off.

 

I saw a meme on Facebook once that said “one day I hope to order at Chipotle and not think twice about getting guacamole”

 

I get guac all the time - the extra cost is no big deal to me - so I forget it is to other people.

 

I fly all the time - so I forget it’s a special outing for a lot of people.

 

I get gas without looking at the total cost - because the total doesn’t matter, I just need to fill up.

 

Does this make sense? I’m used to being slightly more affluent now, so I’m not worried about the cost at the pump or the guac. Getting that is MY business as usual. Him flying first for work may just be business as usual. Him flying alone may just be business as usual. He may not think that first could be special, or that sitting next to you may be important, because his norm is different.

[citrusgreen]

Personally, I absolutely loath the dynamic many have in relationships which often simply boils down to misery loving company. This situation is quite similar to a friend of mine whose lady gets upset if he goes to a party they were both invited to if she's sick. It's like ".... really??" Yes, it sucks she's sick. Yes, it sucks you're not in first class. But neither of these are him having taken anything from you to benefit himself. There's no slight. Honestly reflect on why you in any way would benefit from knowing, even full-on encouraging your partner give up an opportunity for comfort, for which you've given up nothing for him to have?

 

I just can't, and I don't know how anyone purporting to love and support their partner could or would. Sure, I don't want our entire livelihoods to be built around whatever respective equivalent of her being in first class and myself in economy, but if my fiancee were to be given a nice opportunity to kick her feet up and have some free drinks, I'm nothing but 100% thrilled for her. But maybe that's just me. I don't tend to look at the fortune of others in a spiteful manner. There's absolutely zero sense in both of us being crunched up in economy if one of us doesn't have to be.

 

I don’t at all resent him for enjoying nice things. I really don’t. I just more am ever so slightly concerned that the type of person who feels comfortable flying first both ways, and putting his girlfriend back in coach... Let me ask you honestly, since you see like a thoughtful and reasonable guy with good perspective: if you had one round trip first class ticket and one round trip coach ticket for a trip, would you put your fiancée in coach, both directions without even a discussion? It’s a sincere question... I know if the roles had been reversed for me, I would have offered to switch with him for the first class seat — if not in both directions then at least in one. I worry that it’s either a character flaw, or an indicator that he doesn’t value me so much (or takes me for granted). I hope that’s not the case.

[boltnrun]

I don’t at all resent him for enjoying nice things. I really don’t. I just more am ever so slightly concerned that the type of person who feels comfortable flying first both ways, and putting his girlfriend back in coach... Let me ask you honestly, since you see like a thoughtful and reasonable guy with good perspective: if you had one round trip first class ticket and one round trip coach ticket for a trip, would you put your fiancée in coach, both directions without even a discussion? It’s a sincere question... I know if the roles had been reversed for me, I would have offered to switch with him for the first class seat — if not in both directions then at least in one. I worry that it’s either a character flaw, or an indicator that he doesn’t value me so much (or takes me for granted). I hope that’s not the case.

 

But I thought there was a discussion and you told him it was totally fine.

 

Maybe you need to say what you mean and mean what you say. Instead of having expectations of him that you don't even communicate. I mean, he took you at your word, is that a bad thing??

[j.man]

I don’t at all resent him for enjoying nice things. I really don’t. I just more am ever so slightly concerned that the type of person who feels comfortable flying first both ways, and putting his girlfriend back in coach... Let me ask you honestly, since you see like a thoughtful and reasonable guy with good perspective: if you had one round trip first class ticket and one round trip coach ticket for a trip, would you put your fiancée in coach, both directions without even a discussion? It’s a sincere question... I know if the roles had been reversed for me, I would have offered to switch with him for the first class seat — if not in both directions then at least in one. I worry that it’s either a character flaw, or an indicator that he doesn’t value me so much (or takes me for granted). I hope that’s not the case.

All things being equal? Are you asking "traditional man" j.man? Or partner j.man? Given how I was raised, I'd say I always feel compelled to sacrifice my own comfort for the benefit of my partner's. Which isn't something I can necessarily defend. I think it almost intrinsically lends itself to lowering my expectations of my lady's resilience. But that's a whole other topic. I just mention it to qualify my differentiation between what might be my personal inclination vs. what I'd still consider to be perfectly reasonable.

 

First off, especially if it's an awarded upgrade and not one he outright purchased as a regular customer at a regular rate, trading seats is often not allowed even if somebody would like to. You either accept the upgrade for yourself or pass the opportunity on to the next person on the list. It's a dedicated system, and someone not in the pool ending up with the seat would p1ss off a lot of people who have paid a lot of money to the airline to end up among those in the running for an upgrade. You can be sure such people would be quick to find another airline to dedicate themselves to. And, depending on an airline's security protocol, trading seats may not be allowed at all, and it would certainly be harder to pull it off in first class than in a more crowded economy section. Second, to get to this status, he's put in either or both a monetary commitment or his due time in economy, so it's not really a level playing field where I think he's responsible to split his bounty 50/50 when he's been slogging it in economy every other week or however often for however long, especially if he's fronting the cost of your ticket and seat with extra leg room.

 

Again, there's a big difference between an instance and whether this were to transpire into an entire discrepancy in lifestyles should you two get to the point that warrants sharing in each others' livelihoods. I don't think there's a single thing wrong with him benefiting from a bonus upgrade to an airline he's devoted himself to. But if in 5 years you two are married, and he wants you to live in the casita out back while he enjoys the bigger house simply because you're not bringing in the same money, I'd have a much different opinion.

[itsallgrand]

I think maybe your feeling of offense is coming from a type of etiquette that I also grew up with.

Which is, if you invite someone over or to host , you offer them the finest piece of chicken :) or bed. Or seat. Etc.

That it's just rude to take the best , even if the other defers and says oh no you go ahead.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong!

 

If it's something as simple as that, it's an easy prob to solve .

[boltnrun]

I think maybe your feeling of offense is coming from a type of etiquette that I also grew up with.

Which is, if you invite someone over or to host , you offer them the finest piece of chicken :) or bed. Or seat. Etc.

That it's just rude to take the best , even if the other defers and says oh no you go ahead.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong!

 

If it's something as simple as that, it's an easy prob to solve .

 

So if you offer someone that finest piece of chicken and they say "No thank you! These thighs and wings are totally fine!", how do you deal with that?

 

I think the OP should have spoken up. If she felt she shouldn't speak up, and that he should have "just known", well, there's the problem.

 

Communication is always key.

[citrusgreen]

I think maybe your feeling of offense is coming from a type of etiquette that I also grew up with.

Which is, if you invite someone over or to host , you offer them the finest piece of chicken :) or bed. Or seat. Etc.

That it's just rude to take the best , even if the other defers and says oh no you go ahead.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong!

 

If it's something as simple as that, it's an easy prob to solve .

 

Ha, yes!! This is very engrained in me.

[citrusgreen]

All things being equal? Are you asking "traditional man" j.man? Or partner j.man? Given how I was raised, I'd say I always feel compelled to sacrifice my own comfort for the benefit of my partner's. Which isn't something I can necessarily defend. I think it almost intrinsically lends itself to lowering my expectations of my lady's resilience. But that's a whole other topic. I just mention it to qualify my differentiation between what might be my personal inclination vs. what I'd still consider to be perfectly reasonable.

 

First off, especially if it's an awarded upgrade and not one he outright purchased as a regular customer at a regular rate, trading seats is often not allowed even if somebody would like to. You either accept the upgrade for yourself or pass the opportunity on to the next person on the list. It's a dedicated system, and someone not in the pool ending up with the seat would p1ss off a lot of people who have paid a lot of money to the airline to end up among those in the running for an upgrade. You can be sure such people would be quick to find another airline to dedicate themselves to. And, depending on an airline's security protocol, trading seats may not be allowed at all, and it would certainly be harder to pull it off in first class than in a more crowded economy section. Second, to get to this status, he's put in either or both a monetary commitment or his due time in economy, so it's not really a level playing field where I think he's responsible to split his bounty 50/50 when he's been slogging it in economy every other week or however often for however long, especially if he's fronting the cost of your ticket and seat with extra leg room.

 

Again, there's a big difference between an instance and whether this were to transpire into an entire discrepancy in lifestyles should you two get to the point that warrants sharing in each others' livelihoods. I don't think there's a single thing wrong with him benefiting from a bonus upgrade to an airline he's devoted himself to. But if in 5 years you two are married, and he wants you to live in the casita out back while he enjoys the bigger house simply because you're not bringing in the same money, I'd have a much different opinion.

 

Thanks for your insights, j.man.

 

It had never occurred to me that trading seats with me would have been restricted by grr airline. In my head I figured it was a simple switch. But if that is indeed the case (and I’m not entirely sure it is) then I feel much, much less concerned about the whole thing.

 

I do know that he always flys First Class (Jet Blue Mint) himself. He never flies coach to LA. HE booked his first class ticket a week or so ahead of time, I think. For him, it wasn’t a last minute upgrade at the ticket counter. It also sounds as if he isn’t able to use “points” to purchase ME a Mint seat ahead of time. I believe he would have just had to pay upfront for that. I think there is an option for him to upgrade my seat using points at the actual ticket counter (as you described) and. But overall, I know very little about upgrades/points, so I’m a bit in the dark overall.

[citrusgreen]

But I thought there was a discussion and you told him it was totally fine.

 

Maybe you need to say what you mean and mean what you say. Instead of having expectations of him that you don't even communicate. I mean, he took you at your word, is that a bad thing??

 

There was a late night comment while he was getting my ticket that went something like “You don’t want me to pay $1800 extra to get you a first class ticket do you?” It seemed like a rather rhetorical question on his part. And I said no of course not.

 

What I meant was there was no discussion at the airport or boarding the plane saying anything like “oh would you wanna take the first class seat in this direction?” Or, “awww, sorry about you not sitting on first class too but maybe another time”....

[Hollyj]

I think maybe your feeling of offense is coming from a type of etiquette that I also grew up with.

Which is, if you invite someone over or to host , you offer them the finest piece of chicken :) or bed. Or seat. Etc.

That it's just rude to take the best , even if the other defers and says oh no you go ahead.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong!

 

If it's something as simple as that, it's an easy prob to solve .

 

I agree.........

[thorough]

Hey citrusgreen,

 

Well, personally I would have flown coach with you. I would find it wierd to travel with someone, but not actually sit together (especially a SO). I completely understand asking if you are OK flying coach for financial reasons, but just personally I would automatically downgrade to sit with you. On the other hand, if one of us had the opportunity to upgrade after buying the ticket (i.e. at the airport) I would have no problem with my SO taking that opportunity and sitting seperately.

 

I don't think it rises to the level of a 'red flag or character flaw'. Rather, it's just a difference of approach to a relatively unique situation. You say he is generous and affectionate generally, just in this scenario it was something you would have done different. This is likely largely because for you it was a special trip/occasion, while for him it was largely routine. He probably just failed to appreciate the flight as part of the special event of you joining him. Maybe a bit oblivious, but nothing too major in my opinion.

 

Just my take, good luck!

 

T

 

My train of thought, except to me this is pretty big character flaw. Its not the money or the plane tickets, its the about the sacrifice he isn't willing to make to be sitting w/you. I wouldn't dream of flying 1st class while my partner sat in coach. Also he could let you experience 1st class for once while he sat coach. To me he sounds very selfish because in relationships you do things for each other instead of putting your comfort 1st.

[Hollyj]

My train of thought, except to me this is pretty big character flaw. Its not the money or the plane tickets, its the about the sacrifice he isn't willing to make to be sitting w/you. I wouldn't dream of flying 1st class while my partner sat in coach. Also he could let you experience 1st class for once while he sat coach. To me he sounds very selfish because in relationships you do things for each other instead of putting your comfort 1st.

 

Yup............

[Honeycomb8]

He bought your ticket...I personally think you should be more grateful of that. I had an ex that earned quite abit and would have never ever thought to offer to pay accommodation, let alone a flight lol.

[yatsue]

Honestly, if you were truthful from the begining, knew, and conveyed what you wanted, then I bet he would have had no problem upgrading your seat next to him in first class. You caused your own concerns here. He sounds like someone who would have certainly upgraded your ticket to what you thought was appropriate, but you stated otherwise to a response that was more sociably acceptable. He asked you so he could save a bit of money to what he thought you deemed as an unnecessary upgrade.

 

With that said, I wholly agree one should be grateful to be invited to go, have their own ticket paid for, and anything else given to you at no expense. Just because I am a woman, doesn't mean I expect men to pay my way. I pay my own way, lest I consider myself a moocher/golddigger/sugar baby/cheap/whatever. I despise the idea of someone paying my way based on my gender, financial or relationship status. I believe in egalitarian relationships. Why didn't you pay to upgrdae your ticket, why didn't you pay your own way in the first place?

 

While I believe my partner should be equal to myself, I can see how his lifestyle would make you reconsider the relationship. I pay my own way, but if my partner makes way more than I do, I would find it hard to keep up. It would make the relationship feel unbalanced and unequal, which I do not like. However, your concerns are he doesn't treat you like he treats himself, which is vain. You want it so you can be together, but at his expense if he choses the more expensive route. Otherwise, you want him to downgrade to what you can afford (or I guess what you can get from him in this particular case, which I don't really approve of). That's understandable, but not realistic, which is why I would never date someone who has such a wide income gap. It sounds like this is not working. You either have to state what exactly you want next time, or peace out because you can't keep up with his lifestyle, making the relationship feel unbalanced.

[boltnrun]

I really can't stand it when someone pushes something on me after I already said "No, thank you". I find it uncomfortable and off putting.

 

Maybe, since you said it was "totally fine", he believed you? Or do you think he should have insisted? If so, how was he to know you expected him to insist?

[Wiseman2]

He did exactly what you told him to. You're not a married couple so he's treating you to trips.

As he was buying my tickets online (me going with him was a very last minute decision), he said: "Oh the First Class tickets are $1800 more. Will you be mad at me if I get you Coach?" I said: "Oh my god, of course not! I'm not picky. I can fly however! I'm just happy to be going with you."

[citrusgreen]

I really can't stand it when someone pushes something on me after I already said "No, thank you". I find it uncomfortable and off putting.

 

Maybe, since you said it was "totally fine", he believed you? Or do you think he should have insisted? If so, how was he to know you expected him to insist?

 

Just to clarify a few things:

 

This isn’t at this point a deal breaker for me or something I’m upset about. As I said, I’m very grateful that he wanted to get my ticket at all, and happy that he wanted to spend time with me enough that he flew me out to be with him for a week.

 

But also to be clear: when he asked about getting me a first class ticket he wasn’t actually presenting it as a viable option or something he wanted to do. It was almost a rhetorical question: “Mint tix are 1800. You don’t want me to get you one, right?” And like I said, I was so excited to be going in the first place that I also wasn’t really thinking through how it works feel to get in the plane for 2 6-hour flights while my bf flew in first and I flew in coach.

 

I’m not sure how much he paid for his own first class ticket. Maybe it was 1800. Maybe it was much less. It wasn’t an upgrade that was offered to him at the airport. He always flies first class.

 

I’m just interested to get everybody’s thoughts. As I said, in the situation itself, something felt a little off about that particular situation... and I just want to be tuned into it going forward. I would never dream of complaining about it. I think that would be totally tacky.

 

When I initially posted this, I was under the assumption that he could have just swapped seats with me for part of the journey—it would have been (in my mind) a gracious/fair gesture. But J.Man has since explained that this might not have been permitted by the airline. I’m not totally certain (he’s not at all shy about asking for “exceptions”, and he has a manner that is gracious and assertive, which usually gets him what he wants). I just don’t know...

 

One other minor thing I remembered. He has TSA-Pre and I don’t. In instances where the security line was very long, he would ask the attendant if I could bypass the line too (because I was with him). When they would not permit me to do so, he would go ahead and take the short line while I would wait in the long line. For me, totally not a big deal at all.... but maybe just slightly odd? I just don’t think I’d personally have taken that route if roles were reversed. (Not that I mind at all). (I think in general I’m much more laid back and less neurotic about traveling/traffic/my own comfort/my environment than he is, and that I can accept).

[hyden]

I think that it is too early to come to a conclusion. Since for this trip, the tickets were purchase somewhat last min, he did ask you and as mentioned, he likely couldn't change/swap out his seating that close to the flight, that while awkward, he did what he could to get you out there.

 

For future trips, assuming you and he discuss you traveling with him and tickets are reserved together, what he books then will tell you what you need to know. And if he starts to again book first class and coach, maybe casually ask him if he feels it is odd that you two aren't traveling together. Hopefully, there isn't a need and the above situation was adhoc.

[itsallgrand]

So if you offer someone that finest piece of chicken and they say "No thank you! These thighs and wings are totally fine!", how do you deal with that?

 

I think the OP should have spoken up. If she felt she shouldn't speak up, and that he should have "just known", well, there's the problem.

 

Communication is always key.

 

Just to clarify, I agree with you that communication is key.

 

But even amongst the best of us , sometimes people rub each other the wrong way without necessarily intending to. Knowing why it bothers her, she can make a choice whether to take it to heart or not. She can adjust expectations if she wishes.

 

As for the chicken, well, if someone declines that's fine. The point is to show a sign of respect. However, phrasing it as 'you don't mind if I eat this piece and give you the wings?' isn't the same as offering them , which is how I read her situation. If you used to following this etiquette, I would feel rude to insist on having the piece the other guy wants.

 

I actually really like this dance of politeness, though of course I know it's not the only way or 'the best'. It's just a way. I've been in more than enough situations where the common thought is whoever speaks the loudest or first, or gets to something first, and to me it feels grabby . Preference.

[Starlight925]

You told him at the time you were fine, but after the fact, you changed your mind. Fair enough.

 

I say, communicate all of this to him.

 

I used to get a ton of miles, and thus the upgrades. I always flew Coach with my partner, rather than splitting up. Or asked if we’d like to each take one leg coach, one first class, & switch.

 

Re: the TSA line. I don’t get that at all. Neither of you can go anywhere, so why not just wait with the non-TSA traveler?

 

His actions speak of self, and your actions (or lack of speaking up) speak of fear.

[tattoobunnie]

This sounds like a miscommunication, as you, just tell him it was weird sitting by yourself last time, and hope next time you can sit together, whether both in Coach, or both in First-Class. I do not see any malice in what happened. Probably just didn't think you minded much with the flight.

 

I would have flown together, cuz it's flat out tacky. But that's just me.

[tattoobunnie]

Also, if you are part of a member's club for flghts, you can upgrade for a nominal fee if seats are available, but doesn't lend to additional passengers.