He flies First Class, while I fly Coach -- Non-judgemental insight needed

[reinventmyself]

Hey citrusgreen,

 

Well, personally I would have flown coach with you. I would find it wierd to travel with someone, but not actually sit together (especially a SO). I completely understand asking if you are OK flying coach for financial reasons, but just personally I would automatically downgrade to sit with you.

 

I vote for this.

If I were the one sponsoring the trip, I couldn't in good conscience wave at my boyfriend from the first class seats.

 

I don't think this one needs to be overthought, debating values and entitlements. It's just seems the minimally decent thing to do.

 

And. . my boyfriend would have traded seats with me and taken the coach seat.

 

edit: But, whether it's this or something else, the moment you say you are ok with some thing, then you just need to be ok with it. I suppose in the moment that's what you said. I might have done the same. Nevertheless, it would just feel awkward.

[indea08]

I think what your boyfriend did was totally icky. I wouldn't let a girlfriend fly in coach on the same plane where I was in First Class. If money was a problem, then you both should have flown Coach. And as mustlovedogs said, as a frequent flyer, he should have been able to get companion tickets or some sort of upgrade. He treated you like you were the maid or the nanny. I think he's made it clear that he's cheap. But he also made it clear to put you in your place.

 

What else does he do? Does he have some other quirks? Do you also have to enter through the servants' entrance? Does he make you do his wash too? Is his middle name Scrooge?

 

DanZee this is the most ridiculous entitled thing I've ever read. HE flew HER out, on his dime, at the time she requested, it was last minute, there was an $1800 difference, and they're not even married. She stated herself he does spend money her, takes her to dinner, etc. You think it's fair to call him cheap?? Good lord.

 

OP I think you hit the nail on the head when you said thus may be about your level of discomfort with dating someone who has more money. No one likes feeling like they owe someone, or even admitting "Hey, he's more financially successful than me." But the other posters are correct. He's a guy, I doubt he thought into 10% of the details We're discussing, so he asked your opinion, you said it was fine, so he went with it. I would have a very hard time letting anyone buy me a flight, let alone saying anything about it not being first class, or us sitting together in coach. He did a very nice thing for you, be appreciative and let the rest go.

[Rihannon]

If this is the only time, just this instance, where you felt this feeling of imbalance, I would not call it a red flag warning about his character but maybe more of a heads-up about the difficulty of having a relationship long distance, with the added stress of mismatched means. Both situations create their own challenges and can enhance them since they are happening at the same time.

 

But you know there were so many times in the past in my relationship where I totally biffed it on the right thing to do, or I didn't handle things very well. And sure my relationship has its problems but I don't think it's because one time or another one of us didn't handle things the best way. You live and learn. It's possible that he has been debating to himself about this same situation, whether he did something wrong or not, not sure if he should bring it up or not.

 

The most important thing is what you learn about yourself from this. You thought it would be OK and it wasn't. You learned that what you want from a partner is more classic chivalry and equal, shared experiences. That may mean that when you fly out to visit him while he's working, you won't get to have all the perks that he gets. Or you can speak up and say "You know, I said it would be OK last time, but next time we travel together, it would really mean a lot to me if we could sit together, or at least be in the same section of the plane. I felt a little bit like your carry-on luggage last time. Don't get me wrong, I was so thankful that you bought me the plane ticket, and I loved our time together, I just didn't like sitting away from you on the plane." IDK, maybe this will sound needy and clingy or high maintenance. Any thoughts?

[Wiseman2]

You have to apply for this yourself at the TSA.gov website. It's not priority boarding, it's a security clearance. It simply sounds like he's much more well traveled and experienced than you. Next time, either decline the trip altogether, buy your own first class ticket with your miles, points, upgrades, whatever and make advance plans. Unfortunately you seem unable to handle dating someone with a wealth discrepancy. You're not married or engaged and you can't expect to be treated as such. It seems you're hoping he downgrades his lifestyle and whatever perks to approximate yours or expect instant access to his wealth beyond what he already treats you to.

He has TSA-Pre and I don’t. In instances where the security line was very long, he would ask the attendant if I could bypass the line too (because I was with him). When they would not permit me to do so, he would go ahead and take the short line while I would wait in the long line

[IAmFCA]

For those who would have traded seats with her, or who would moved to coach (and, what, ask the airline to refund the upgrade i guess?) I offer a counter:

 

Its somewhat silly. He was in first class - it matters to him, its an upgrade or consistent with his lifestyle. She flew in coach, in the stretch seats, which also is an upgrade for her, given that she barely affords vacation.

 

I would have thought it silly to trade places - either I wish he could have what I have, or vice versa.

 

I would have thought it silly he make himself less comfortable just to sit with me.

 

I am not much of a feeler; my bf helps me to think about how things feel. To me, the seat differential was simply a given to be accepted.

[mustlovedogs]

For those who would have traded seats with her, or who would moved to coach (and, what, ask the airline to refund the upgrade i guess?) I offer a counter:

 

Its somewhat silly. He was in first class - it matters to him, its an upgrade or consistent with his lifestyle. She flew in coach, in the stretch seats, which also is an upgrade for her, given that she barely affords vacation.

 

I would have thought it silly to trade places - either I wish he could have what I have, or vice versa.

 

I would have thought it silly he make himself less comfortable just to sit with me.

 

I am not much of a feeler; my bf helps me to think about how things feel. To me, the seat differential was simply a given to be accepted.

 

Agreed - and I made a point about this many posts back, which OP has conveniently ignored.

[j.man]

So to break it down...

 

1. He bought you a ticket

2. He upgraded you to the seat with extra leg room

3. He asked at the counter if he could pay for a discounted first class upgrade so that you could enjoy it as well (again, on his dime)

4. Even with the precheck line (really not that expensive at all... anyone who flies more than twice a year should really consider it), he tries to get you in with him

 

It's a bit perplexing why you admit you're in the dark about so many details but come up with all kinds of speculation that paints him in the worst possible light, meanwhile he's here demonstrating that, yes, while he does seem to indulge in his comforts, he's not shy at all about trying to include you in them where possible and reasonable.

 

Look, if some people are the type to go back and step in a puddle simply for their partner having accidentally done so and thus neither of you should enjoy wearing dry socks, by all means, you do you. I'm not gonna be the one telling you that one of you needs to take the upgrade. But I don't think it's fair to call the guy's behavior wrong or inappropriate, particularly given his accommodations for her. With regard to flying and upgrades, my uncle and his partner are actually on the same boat, and they fly frequently. It's no big deal when my uncle's partner gets selected for an upgrade, or if only he gets the opportunity to get a discounted rate when they're booking, which happens often as my uncle's partner travels pretty much weekly and gets selected often on his own.

 

As someone who will be marrying a woman who makes well more than myself pretty soon here, I admit it can be a bit of a balancing act. We each have our own preferred airline, so we'll book with who's the cheapest and most convenient between them and cross our fingers for upgrades. Sometimes only I'm eligible. Sometimes only she is. Sometimes we're both. I likewise wouldn't dream of having her buy me an $1800 ticket to accompany her upgrade, but I'm also nothing but elated if she's given the opportunity to better relax on a flight. I'm gonna be sitting in coach anyway, so why be upset? Her sitting next to me doesn't make my seat any bigger, and I don't need to see her suffering economy to cope with the 12" of leg room. I truthfully cannot relate to anyone who thinks differently and would have their partner sacrifice their comfort for their perceived benefit. To be quite honest, I find that to be the more selfish practice.

[citrusgreen]

Guys, I really appreciate all of the insight. Just a reminder: The whole point of this thread is that I AM totally okay with flying coach. I'm not status-oriented, and I'm very appreciative and pretty mellow about these things. I was totally gracious about this whole thing, and thankful to be able to spend time with him. I'm not complaining about what happened. I'm seeking an outside opinion to reassure me that what happened was ok/normal and that I've been treated appropriately. A few people seem to have this impression that I'm sitting here brattily stewing about the fact I had to ride coach (not at ALL the case), or resentful of him for enjoying a nice seat (again, not the case).

 

Basically, just wanting a reality-check and reassurance that this isn't a red flag. I've been mistreated by a few people in the past, and sometimes it's hard for me to spot it when it's actually happening. I'm trying to be careful.

 

I do know that when we broke up briefly for a few months a year ago, and were seeing other people, he flew the woman he was seeing then out First Class. I'm not sure if it was a one time lucky upgrade or if he paid out for it. That bothers me a bit, but not enough to interfere with my relationship. I would never bring it up with him. I also know that within his particular circle of friends there are a number of women who (in my mind) are quite entitled and Diva-ish and really do expect everything to be paid for and are very focused on leading a "luxurious" lifestyle. He's used to paying for people like this. I'm completely the opposite... but I sometimes wonder if my kind of non-chalance and lack of expectations makes me seem (for lack of a better term) "lower value" than them. (Does that make sense?).

 

For the record, I've been in a number of (completley happy) relationships where I've had more resources than guys I'm dating -- and in those cases I have been the one to subsidize them. I've been in other relationships where things have been split 50/50. I don't as a rule expect a man to pay for or support me. I do appreciate some chivalry -- and like to show some myself when I can (I wish there was a word for women showing "chivalry" to men! Or a non-gendered term. Maybe it's just "manners"?).

 

Perhaps I can handle a relationship with a wealth discrepencey, and perhaps I can't. I guess I'll find out. But it doesn't seem unreasonable to notice that from time to time it can present a few difficulties or moments of awkwardness. And any insights into navigating those would be great.

[Rihannon]

... but I sometimes wonder if my kind of non-chalance and lack of expectations makes me seem (for lack of a better term) "lower value" than them. (Does that make sense?).

 

I can relate. I also wonder if my easy-going attitude about a lot of things (i.e. my lack of preference for where we eat or what we watch) makes me seem empty-headed or weak-willed. I'm more concerned about everyone having a good time, and creating a sense of balance in the group, than about my own personal preferences, in many situations. I mean, it is my personal preference and it is what makes me happy to feel like we are all enjoying ourselves together. And if I don't care whether we eat pizza or sushi, then why force me into making a demand just because being demanding is someone else's idea of being strong? Sorry, got off on a rant there. But back to you, many women who are unreasonably demanding will defend that behavior by suggesting that that is how they show their value and worth and self-esteem and how they get respect. Everyone has their own level of comfort and demands. Yours may be lower on the scale of financial support but that doesn't make you lower value and if someone interprets that as lower value in character, then that person is shallow and materialist and you're better than that.

[mustlovedogs]

OP - you keep saying you’re easy going but I don’t believe it.

 

Easy going would be having a j.man like attitude.

 

You’re upset about this. Otherwise it wouldn’t be a question.

[Rihannon]

OP - you keep saying you’re easy going but I don’t believe it.

 

Easy going would be having a j.man like attitude.

 

You’re upset about this. Otherwise it wouldn’t be a question.

 

I think she is easy going but she's worried that being that way will allow people to take advantage of it and short-change her. She's also wondering if she is TOO easy going and should be more demanding. She's doubting whether her easy-going nature is out of true lack of concern, or just a developed coping mechanism from not having many resources. Did anyone else grow up poor? I did. I know lots of people who did, and to cope with not having much, you learn to be happy with less, and even to take a certain pride in being happy with less than others have. But it doesn't mean that sometimes you don't doubt whether or not you truly are happy that way.

[mustlovedogs]

I think she is easy going but she's worried that being that way will allow people to take advantage of it and short-change her. She's also wondering if she is TOO easy going and should be more demanding. She's doubting whether her easy-going nature is out of true lack of concern, or just a developed coping mechanism from not having many resources. Did anyone else grow up poor? I did. I know lots of people who did, and to cope with not having much, you learn to be happy with less, and even to take a certain pride in being happy with less than others have. But it doesn't mean that sometimes you don't doubt whether or not you truly are happy that way.

 

I disagree.

 

And it’s not bad to not be easy going - just own it.

 

Easy going is:

 

Great! Thanks for the airfare. Enjoy first class.

 

Not easy going:

 

Go enjoy first class! /internally wondering why BF chose to enjoy first class omg is he a terrible person why didn’t he give it to me even though I said enjoy

 

It’s ok to not be easy going. I know I’m not about some things.

 

OP, I get it. I get the jealousy.

 

I’ve posted a few responses that have gone unacknowledged. I would be interested to see your thoughts.

[j.man]

And any insights into navigating those would be great.

It really does take an overhauling of one's attitude, and a big part of it is having the humility to accept that you, quite simply, wouldn't be on that plane, wouldn't have the extra leg room, and wouldn't so much as have the possibility of him flexing his airline status to try and get you an upgrade were it not for him. That's not saying you have to get on your knees and chant "I'm not worthy," but to emphasize that sitting there in coach and being bitter about it boils down to a sense of entitlement-- whether to you inheriting his comforts, or to him sacrificing them for your sake. The only angle I wouldn't think is terribly entitled, even if I don't necessarily agree with it, would be wanting to sit together for the sake of sitting together as a couple. But you kinda shot yourself in the foot on that one when you put so much emphasis on trading seats.

 

And, I mean, the guy's 50. I'm sure he's "been there, done that" when it comes to impractical romantic gestures, nevermind actually sacrificing his comfort and routine for the sake of them. You either accept that sometimes you're going to get comforts you wouldn't get were it not for him and sometimes you won't (particularly when it comes to airlines and upgrades), or you see it as some grand offense whenever he isn't given an opportunity to seat you in first class next to him.

 

To try and personally relate to you with some advice, it will obviously be a much different story once we start a family and it's likely me giving up my livelihood to take care of the kids, but what keeps me pretty centered despite the income discrepancy is thinking, "Would I have more than this as my share if it were just me?" If I know for a fact I wouldn't be in first class if it were me buying the ticket, I'm certainly not going to be upset if someone buys me a ticket and I'm sitting right where I would be anyway. I also don't expect anything more than what I can pay 50/50 into. It honestly often does end up she pays more, but I don't feel that sense of guilt over it because I genuinely would not think twice about it if she ever were to say, "I'd be more comfortable renting a place we can split expenses more evenly on." She decides what's worth it for her to pay more for, and I greatly appreciate it when it benefits me. And while I do believe I bring value to raise my "equity" so to speak outside of a level monetary contribution, she knows I don't feel entitled to whatever bonuses the income gap may provide me. Again, this is speaking from the perspective of us being independent, fully capable and working adults. Something like starting a family and a subsequent financial dependence / career sacrifice would dramatically change the parameters.

[citrusgreen]

I can relate. I also wonder if my easy-going attitude about a lot of things (i.e. my lack of preference for where we eat or what we watch) makes me seem empty-headed or weak-willed. I'm more concerned about everyone having a good time, and creating a sense of balance in the group, than about my own personal preferences, in many situations. I mean, it is my personal preference and it is what makes me happy to feel like we are all enjoying ourselves together. And if I don't care whether we eat pizza or sushi, then why force me into making a demand just because being demanding is someone else's idea of being strong? Sorry, got off on a rant there.

 

OMG, YES!!! This is totally me! When I dig deeper and really grill myself I wonder if it might be a problem. I'd like to work on being more assertive. (Not in asking for flight upgrades, necessarily, but just in life). There is a lot to think about there...

[katrina1980]

 

But also to be clear: when he asked about getting me a first class ticket he wasn’t actually presenting it as a viable option or something he wanted to do. It was almost a rhetorical question: “Mint tix are 1800. You don’t want me to get you one, right?” And like I said, I was so excited to be going in the first place that I also wasn’t really thinking through how it works feel to get in the plane for 2 6-hour flights while my bf flew in first and I flew in coach.

 

I’m not sure how much he paid for his own first class ticket. Maybe it was 1800. Maybe it was much less. It wasn’t an upgrade that was offered to him at the airport. He always flies first class.

 

 

Just read the entire thread and have a couple of comments.

 

1. I did not like the way your bf presented the question to you. Like obviously he did not want to purchase the 1st class ticket for you, and when worded the way he did, it's like you had no choice but to say "no course not," just like you did. Otherwise, you come off looking ungracious/ungrateful.

 

If he couldn't afford the 1st class ticket (which was quite pricey), he should have just told you that and apologized that you wouldn't be able to sit together, and left it at that. THAT would have been more honest.

 

Not this "you don't want me to get you the more expensive ticket, right"? I don't even know what that is (passive/aggressive maybe, don't know)? But I would not have liked how he presented that.

 

And as such, and this is just me (I can be a bit snarky sometimes), I would have been HONEST and said "No, actually I would like you to purchase me a ticket in 1st class, I've never flown first class and would prefer that we sit together, during such a long flight."

 

2. Since he was traveling for work, he may (and probably is) able to write off his flights back and forth as business expense, has an expense account, and the company he works for pays. Thus how he's able to afford flying 1st class on every single trip.

 

All that said, I don't know what's up with him. Like I said, I don't like how he presented it to you, and yeah if this were ME, I would never feel comfortable flying 1st class, while my bf sat in coach.

 

If I couldn't afford to fly him out first class with me, I would have sat in coach with him.

[mustlovedogs]

Just read the entire thread and have a couple of comments.

 

1. I did not like the way your bf presented the question to you. Like obviously he did not want to purchase the 1st class ticket for you, and when worded the way he did, it's like you had no choice but to say "no course not," just like you did. Otherwise, you come off looking ungracious/ungrateful.

 

If he couldn't afford the 1st class ticket (which was quite pricey), he should have just told you that and apologized that you wouldn't be able to sit together, and left it at that. THAT would have been more honest.

 

Not this "you don't want me to get you the more expensive ticket, right"? I don't even know what that is, but I would not have liked how presented that.

 

And as such, and this is just me (I can be a bit snarky sometimes), I would have been HONEST and said "No, actually I would like you to purchase me a ticket in 1st class, I've never sat in first class and would prefer that we sit together, during such a long flight."

 

2. Since he was traveling for work, he may (and probably is) able to write off his flights back and forth as business expense, and the company he works for pays. Thus how he's able to afford flying 1st class on every single trip.

 

All that said, I don't know what's up with him. Like I said, I don't like how he presented it to you, and yeah if this were ME, I would never feel comfortable flying 1st class, while my bf sat in coach.

 

If he’s flying that route that often, I almost guarantee he gets a free upgrade. I doubt he’s paying.

[reinventmyself]

 

1. I did not like the way your bf presented the question to you. Like obviously he did not want to purchase the 1st class ticket for you, and when worded the way he did, it's like you had no choice but to say "no course not," just like you did. Otherwise, you come off looking ungracious/ungrateful.

 

If he couldn't afford the 1st class ticket (which was quite pricey), he should have just told you that and apologized that you wouldn't be able to sit together, and left it at that. THAT would have been more honest.

 

Not this "you don't want me to get you the more expensive ticket, right"? I don't even know what that is (passive/aggressive maybe, don't know)? But I would not have liked how he presented that.

.

Agreed. . .good catch.

[Rihannon]

citrusgreen, when you learned about how much money he had, and he started treating you to expensive gifts, and promising you the open invitation and flying you around the country...did a part of you start to expect that you were going to be spoiled by him and always get the first class treatment? No judgement here, just asking.

[Batya33]

"All that said, I don't know what's up with him. Like I said, I don't like how he presented it to you, and yeah if this were ME, I would never feel comfortable flying 1st class, while my bf sat in coach."

 

Neither would I. The problem here is though that this might not have been the best trip for her to accompany him on - if he is doing business, and needs to be fresh for his meetings/business, then it's understandable that if the additional room/amenities in first class will help him sleep and rest that makes sense. It's not a vacation for him. If it were I'd be 100% with you. It's a tough call for him but he should have put it as "I'd love for you to come, I can afford to treat you for coach but with my meetings, etc and jet lag I really need the extra rest from first class. I feel weird having you not sitting with me but at least we'll get to be together when we get there".

 

This never came up for my husband and me despite doing a lot of combined business trips/vacation hybrids but often I flew alone to meet him on a business trip for various reasons -he had to get there on a different day, he had meetings/dinners where it wouldn't make sense for me to go on the same day, etc. I think he always offered to pay for my ticket (because the hotel room was paid for) and I'm not sure in reality how often I declined and paid my own way. It wasn't an issue. If we got the opportunity to fly somewhere without our child and he was going on business, I would insist he fly first class if possible and I would fly coach, if he needed to be fresh for his meetings ,etc. However, i doubt he would suggest that -at most he would do the number crunching out loud to see how much extra it would cost for me to go. Not in a passive aggressive way either.

[Rihannon]

Just read the entire thread and have a couple of comments.

 

1. I did not like the way your bf presented the question to you. Like obviously he did not want to purchase the 1st class ticket for you, and when worded the way he did, it's like you had no choice but to say "no course not," just like you did. Otherwise, you come off looking ungracious/ungrateful.

 

If he couldn't afford the 1st class ticket (which was quite pricey), he should have just told you that and apologized that you wouldn't be able to sit together, and left it at that. THAT would have been more honest.

 

Not this "you don't want me to get you the more expensive ticket, right"? I don't even know what that is (passive/aggressive maybe, don't know)? But I would not have liked how he presented that.

 

And as such, and this is just me (I can be a bit snarky sometimes), I would have been HONEST and said "No, actually I would like you to purchase me a ticket in 1st class, I've never flown first class and would prefer that we sit together, during such a long flight."

 

2. Since he was traveling for work, he may (and probably is) able to write off his flights back and forth as business expense, has an expense account, and the company he works for pays. Thus how he's able to afford flying 1st class on every single trip.

 

All that said, I don't know what's up with him. Like I said, I don't like how he presented it to you, and yeah if this were ME, I would never feel comfortable flying 1st class, while my bf sat in coach.

 

If I couldn't afford to fly him out first class with me, I would have sat in coach with him.

 

Ok ok ok but it was something he blurted out in the moment, and so maybe he was being a little wimpy about the fact that he didn't want to pay for her to fly first class but we've all blurted out things before that could have been worded better. It doesn't mean he doesn't value her. But in any case, whether he could afford or not, or whether his work would have reimbursed it or not - that's HIS money and HIS job and HIS place to make those decisions. I don't think we was trying to be a jerk.

[boltnrun]

Ahhh, so the plot thickens.

 

You two have broken up previously and he dated someone else, someone who he treated to first class tickets.

 

Now I see what is really upsetting you. You feel he treated her better than you.

[citrusgreen]

I hear you, but actually no, not at all.

 

Also, he's never gotten me fancy gifts, or gifts at all really. I've actually spent much more money buying him gifts over the years than the reverse, hehe :) (which is fine! I like to be able to do that!!!! And it gives me a way to show him I care!)

[katrina1980]

 

...he should have put it as "I'd love for you to come, I can afford to treat you for coach but with my meetings, etc and jet lag I really need the extra rest from first class. I feel weird having you not sitting with me but at least we'll get to be together when we get there".

 

Agree, I mean anything would have been an improvement from the way he presented it, which is why I would have responded the way I posted I would (and probably not even as polite as I worded it).

 

Had he presented it the way I described in my earlier post, or how you described above, my response would have been A LOT different.

 

Something like "no problem babe, I just appreciate your paying for my flight, and I'll see you when we get there"!

[reinventmyself]

Ok ok ok but it was something he blurted out in the moment, and so maybe he was being a little wimpy about the fact that he didn't want to pay for her to fly first class but we've all blurted out things before that could have been worded better. It doesn't mean he doesn't value her. But in any case, whether he could afford or not, or whether his work would have reimbursed it or not - that's HIS money and HIS job and HIS place to make those decisions. I don't think we was trying to be a jerk.

I don't think she said he was a jerk.

He just could have handled it better. It doesn't make him a bad guy.

[katrina1980]

Ok ok ok but it was something he blurted out in the moment, and so maybe he was being a little wimpy about the fact that he didn't want to pay for her to fly first class but we've all blurted out things before that could have been worded better. It doesn't mean he doesn't value her. But in any case, whether he could afford or not, or whether his work would have reimbursed it or not - that's HIS money and HIS job and HIS place to make those decisions. I don't think we was trying to be a jerk.

 

I never suggested he didn't value her. I just didn't like how he presented the question.

 

There is a name for it when people present questions like that, I don't know what it is though, although I'm fairly certain it's a form of control in some way, shape or form.