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Rihannon

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  1. If someone doesn't want to share their experiences, they don't have to. Are these forums idle chitchat to you? Is that how you see them?
  2. Seraphim, Do you have trouble remembering a lot from whole periods of time, both good and bad events, or do you think the memory loss is specific about bad things happening?
  3. I'm here to ask about childhood trauma and adult memory loss. I have read a bit about how those who have suffered from PTSD can also experience memory loss. But the scholarly articles I have found, they are often restricted to specific cases of memory loss in late adulthood, or in individuals with diagnoses of other sever mental disorders like schizophrenia. I am asking this forum if anyone has personal experience, either in yourself or with someone you are close to, related to this. Specifically, I wondered if anyone experienced (either in yourself or observed in others) childhood trauma in the form of abuse from a parent or other authoritarian figure, and also memory problems not in late adulthood but in young and middle adulthood (like in ages 20s-40s). I have been close to a few people who experienced pervasive childhood abuse at home, who explain that they have trouble remembering their childhood, as compared to others who seem to be able to recall a lot of details about their childhood. But I haven't really spoken to a ton of people about this because, obviously, it's a very personal and subjective thing to talk about. I have had many conversations with people about happy childhood memories, with people who never experienced trauma or abuse, and I myself can recall a lot of detail about my childhood. I have had some conversations with a couple of people who didn't have happy childhoods due to abuse at home, and it seemed that they explained that they couldn't remember their childhoods very well, even though they wanted to, and tried to. And I know that part of it could be people not wanting to talk about it, but in one particular case, I know the person I was speaking to wanted to tell me all the details he could remember, and did try to remember things, and spent time talking to other people who were around him as a child, trying to put together more memories. But he was frustrated in how little he remembered. I should specify that the abuse and trauma experienced in these people was pervasive throughout childhood, in the home life, and not a single instance of abuse, or not restricted to preschool years (an age very few people can remember, anyway). There's a theory that it's a sort of self-preservation mechanism, blocking out unpleasant memories. I've read about traumatic amnesia but it seemed like, and I could be wrong, that these studies focused on people who could not remember a single traumatic event, or could not remember the traumatic events themselves, but otherwise could remember the past events that were not traumatic. And a lot of these studies focused on sexual abuse but didn't seem to talk about cases of pervasive physical or verbal abuse, or neglect, and later memory loss that affected longer periods of time including positive events that were not traumatic. I'm just seeking more information from people here. Thanks.
  4. So you've discussed divorce with him and he accuses you of not trying hard enough. Does he think he's trying really hard? What does he want from you in terms of trying harder? You explained here, pretty clearly, what you expect from a partner, and why you're not satisfied. So I'm assuming you've said all of this to him, or at least in marriage counseling together. No matter how hard either of you tries, or thinks you're trying, this marriage may still not ever work out in a way that both of you can be happy. If it comes down to a life where, in order to meet each other's expectations of a spouse, you both have to compromise so much that neither of you is happy, then I think you should divorce, not as a punishment to him for doing something "that" bad, but because you're not compatible together. My take is that he seems to criticize and complain about anything you do that isn't specifically FOR him. Working on your masters? That doesn't do anything for him, so he complains. Hanging out with your sister? He's heard about that before and it's not interesting to him so cut it out. You get sick? Just quit your job, because that's an easy solution as far as he's concerned, then he won't have to hear about it. He only cares about what you do so far as it affects him. Selfish.
  5. This is why I never wanted to undergo anything invasive. It's just crazy. Like women who are so obsessed with not having wrinkles that they stretch and puff their faces into deformity. Sure, they have no wrinkles but they look like a puffer fish!
  6. This is beautiful and wonderful. Thank you so much! You are a poet.
  7. I agree. And here's the thing. I'm married to a wonderful guy who thinks I am beautiful. He loves my body and my skin. This is all just my own nonsense in my own head. No one is making me feel like this except myself. That's why I'm going to stop caring. There, I'm saying that I am going to stop caring. No more saying I want to or will try to, it's a plan. I will stop caring.
  8. I just can't see it as attractive! At least, not on myself. I have salami skin, kind of see-through. Self-tanner helps but man that stuff is smelly and rubs off on sheets and clothes. And again, that's just a band-aid for insecurity. I'm here, I'm pale, I'm bumpy. Love it or leave it.
  9. I'm trying to change my mindset and I will try to start rituals like praying and meditating. I also think, there's a certain amount of intentionally looking to the positive people around me as examples. I can choose who to focus on.
  10. I am going to the beach soon on a trip with lots of people. I started feeling anxious about this and then it occurred to me how big a waste it would be to let this ruin a chance to connect with other people and really appreciate time with them. I tend to oscillate from not caring at all, to letting it ruin my day. And that is just so SO profoundly silly. I would like to simply not care so much about it, and to focus my energy on more important thoughts. I know that I have allowed superficial values to hinder my relationships with people. I judge myself and others too harshly. I want to be accepting, to look at people and really SEE them with empathy, as being complex people. And I would like to see myself that way, too. I think for many women it begins with body image and forgiving your flaws. I don;t know. I want to be a more positive and substantial person; not just about body image but in terms of values.
  11. Something else about the fitness-advice community that frustrates me. If you look up exercises to target and "tone and slim" your thighs, and you look up exercises to add weight and size to your thighs, you will often see the very same exercises. If you can't spot reduce, then why do people promote thigh-targeted exercises to women who are "pear-shaped" and want to slim down their thighs? The only way to slim down your thighs is by dieting and losing weight overall. But at my lowest weight, my cellulite was just as bad. Gaining muscle requires eating more calories. If I workout my thighs, they do get bigger. If I diet, it's so hard to maintain that muscle, because I don't have the energy to workout as strenuously. But I know this;If I'm going to have even 1% of bodyfat, it's going to be on my thighs and bum. And I cannot live my daily life just for my thighs and bum to look good. What kind of life is that? What would that even get for me? I'm not a model. It won't get me love or friends. Even if I lost the cellulite, I'd still have really pale skin and kind of short legs and I'm just a normal person with a normal life. Even if I had the best legs I could have, which would take a lot of work every day, forever, what would I even get out of that, other than the legs themselves? And I know myself, I would just start to feel self-conscious and ashamed of something else. This is why this is the problem and not my legs.
  12. The only real effective technique is good lighting and good angles. It might have been a teensy tiny bit less noticeable when I was off hormonal birth control. But it was such a small difference. I'm sure that in a side-by-side photo, you wouldn't even be able to see any difference. And I need the hormonal BC to prevent pregnancy. Sometimes it looks better right after a workout, just minutes after a strenuous workout, when my legs are a little swollen. But that might be a difference in the blood vessels in my skin, it's temporary, it's not a change in the underlying structure.
  13. I have cellulite, do you? And my problem with it is a bigger problem than the cellulite itself. This isn't really a request for advice, it's just a discussion and a hope for optimistic encouragement. I have cellulite on my upper thighs and bum, in the back and a little in the front of my thighs. I hate it so much. I am embarrassed to wear shorts or a bathing suit. And I have tried for years to make it go away. It is frustrating. I am of a low weight, and always have been of a healthy low weight. Technically I have been underweight at times, according to some overly simplified scales. But as an adult I always had it, ever since I was in my early 20s. I've never been overweight. It doesn't matter. My thighs have gotten larger with muscle or weight gain, and have shrunken back down again when I changed my workouts and diet. The cellulite was always there. I was a vegetarian for a decade. For a long time I ate almost no bread or potatoes. I've taken collagen supplements, antioxidants, I tried coffee exfoliation scrubs, all the stuff. I was on and off hormonal birth control since I was 20. It didn't matter. I don't smoke, I almost never drink. For a long time I didn't drink at all. I've been a runner, I've been a cardio machine gym-goer, a walker, I've taken ballet for years, I did thrice weekly HIIT for years. I drink a lot of water, eat lots of vegetables and healthy food, very little salt, very little carbs, practically no dairy. I weight train and do ballet and calisthenics, take 60 flights of stairs a day, 10000 steps a day. I dry brush. I massage, I moisturize. It does not matter. The cellulite was always there, through all of these different and differently healthy lifestyle changes. Basically, according to all the advice columns, I shouldn't have it. But I do, and I always did, as an adult. And something else. When I was a teenager I was so self-conscious about having pale skin that I was ashamed to show my body for that reason, back when I was a 100lb teen with no lumps on my legs at all. And then I got the cellulite and I was ashamed of that, too. Imagine if I were berating some other woman for her thighs and telling her that she should be ashamed of them. Ashamed?! How horrible that would be to treat another woman that way. So why am I treating myself this way? I am healthy. I am fit and able to do all these fun and active things! I don't have problems with my health. I don't experience pain. I should be so grateful. I should love my capable, pain-free legs! But moreover, I shouldn't care about these superficial things. This is shallow. This is a shallow, pointless obsession and I want to be over it. I pray for the strength of character to look past the superficial, in myself and in others, so that I value other people and value my life.
  14. I think you have an excellent plan, and I am sure that a therapist will be able to help you prepare to sit down with your husband and discuss your issues openly. I know that you said you don't enjoy romantic intimacy with him, and several people have noted that as a major sign that this marriage is not fix-able, but I wouldn't place so much emphasis on that right now. For me personally, romantic intimacy is only something I can feel when other things are going well. So if you address the other issues, like feeling like you are being heard, then that intimacy might return. This was my perspective on what you said: When he nags you and criticizes you, you feel like he doesn't value and appreciate your efforts, and that he doesn't hold you in high esteem. Additionally, you yourself admitted that you do not hold him in high esteem, either. You said that you settled for him and that you suspect you could have found someone better. I wonder if he can sense your lack of respect for him, and part of his way of asserting his value is to lecture you or always try to show how much he knows better than you about certain things. He may be acting selfishly, more interested in speaking than listening, because he is insecure and always trying to prove himself. This is my guess, that this is a possibility. Instead of your usual dynamic, wouldn't it be nice if he said to you "I appreciate all that you do for us, I can tell that you work hard and contribute a lot, and I'm so grateful for you." And then wouldn't it be nice if you said to him "I feel so safe with you, I know you would never cheat on me or lie to me, and I appreciate how you help remind me to do something when I forget." How could you two get to that point where statements of gratitude become habitual?
  15. Thank you! I feel like I'm the crazy one if people don't agree.
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