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Rihannon

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Everything posted by Rihannon

  1. If someone doesn't want to share their experiences, they don't have to. Are these forums idle chitchat to you? Is that how you see them?
  2. Seraphim, Do you have trouble remembering a lot from whole periods of time, both good and bad events, or do you think the memory loss is specific about bad things happening?
  3. I'm here to ask about childhood trauma and adult memory loss. I have read a bit about how those who have suffered from PTSD can also experience memory loss. But the scholarly articles I have found, they are often restricted to specific cases of memory loss in late adulthood, or in individuals with diagnoses of other sever mental disorders like schizophrenia. I am asking this forum if anyone has personal experience, either in yourself or with someone you are close to, related to this. Specifically, I wondered if anyone experienced (either in yourself or observed in others) childhood trauma in the form of abuse from a parent or other authoritarian figure, and also memory problems not in late adulthood but in young and middle adulthood (like in ages 20s-40s). I have been close to a few people who experienced pervasive childhood abuse at home, who explain that they have trouble remembering their childhood, as compared to others who seem to be able to recall a lot of details about their childhood. But I haven't really spoken to a ton of people about this because, obviously, it's a very personal and subjective thing to talk about. I have had many conversations with people about happy childhood memories, with people who never experienced trauma or abuse, and I myself can recall a lot of detail about my childhood. I have had some conversations with a couple of people who didn't have happy childhoods due to abuse at home, and it seemed that they explained that they couldn't remember their childhoods very well, even though they wanted to, and tried to. And I know that part of it could be people not wanting to talk about it, but in one particular case, I know the person I was speaking to wanted to tell me all the details he could remember, and did try to remember things, and spent time talking to other people who were around him as a child, trying to put together more memories. But he was frustrated in how little he remembered. I should specify that the abuse and trauma experienced in these people was pervasive throughout childhood, in the home life, and not a single instance of abuse, or not restricted to preschool years (an age very few people can remember, anyway). There's a theory that it's a sort of self-preservation mechanism, blocking out unpleasant memories. I've read about traumatic amnesia but it seemed like, and I could be wrong, that these studies focused on people who could not remember a single traumatic event, or could not remember the traumatic events themselves, but otherwise could remember the past events that were not traumatic. And a lot of these studies focused on sexual abuse but didn't seem to talk about cases of pervasive physical or verbal abuse, or neglect, and later memory loss that affected longer periods of time including positive events that were not traumatic. I'm just seeking more information from people here. Thanks.
  4. So you've discussed divorce with him and he accuses you of not trying hard enough. Does he think he's trying really hard? What does he want from you in terms of trying harder? You explained here, pretty clearly, what you expect from a partner, and why you're not satisfied. So I'm assuming you've said all of this to him, or at least in marriage counseling together. No matter how hard either of you tries, or thinks you're trying, this marriage may still not ever work out in a way that both of you can be happy. If it comes down to a life where, in order to meet each other's expectations of a spouse, you both have to compromise so much that neither of you is happy, then I think you should divorce, not as a punishment to him for doing something "that" bad, but because you're not compatible together. My take is that he seems to criticize and complain about anything you do that isn't specifically FOR him. Working on your masters? That doesn't do anything for him, so he complains. Hanging out with your sister? He's heard about that before and it's not interesting to him so cut it out. You get sick? Just quit your job, because that's an easy solution as far as he's concerned, then he won't have to hear about it. He only cares about what you do so far as it affects him. Selfish.
  5. This is why I never wanted to undergo anything invasive. It's just crazy. Like women who are so obsessed with not having wrinkles that they stretch and puff their faces into deformity. Sure, they have no wrinkles but they look like a puffer fish!
  6. This is beautiful and wonderful. Thank you so much! You are a poet.
  7. I agree. And here's the thing. I'm married to a wonderful guy who thinks I am beautiful. He loves my body and my skin. This is all just my own nonsense in my own head. No one is making me feel like this except myself. That's why I'm going to stop caring. There, I'm saying that I am going to stop caring. No more saying I want to or will try to, it's a plan. I will stop caring.
  8. I just can't see it as attractive! At least, not on myself. I have salami skin, kind of see-through. Self-tanner helps but man that stuff is smelly and rubs off on sheets and clothes. And again, that's just a band-aid for insecurity. I'm here, I'm pale, I'm bumpy. Love it or leave it.
  9. I'm trying to change my mindset and I will try to start rituals like praying and meditating. I also think, there's a certain amount of intentionally looking to the positive people around me as examples. I can choose who to focus on.
  10. I am going to the beach soon on a trip with lots of people. I started feeling anxious about this and then it occurred to me how big a waste it would be to let this ruin a chance to connect with other people and really appreciate time with them. I tend to oscillate from not caring at all, to letting it ruin my day. And that is just so SO profoundly silly. I would like to simply not care so much about it, and to focus my energy on more important thoughts. I know that I have allowed superficial values to hinder my relationships with people. I judge myself and others too harshly. I want to be accepting, to look at people and really SEE them with empathy, as being complex people. And I would like to see myself that way, too. I think for many women it begins with body image and forgiving your flaws. I don;t know. I want to be a more positive and substantial person; not just about body image but in terms of values.
  11. Something else about the fitness-advice community that frustrates me. If you look up exercises to target and "tone and slim" your thighs, and you look up exercises to add weight and size to your thighs, you will often see the very same exercises. If you can't spot reduce, then why do people promote thigh-targeted exercises to women who are "pear-shaped" and want to slim down their thighs? The only way to slim down your thighs is by dieting and losing weight overall. But at my lowest weight, my cellulite was just as bad. Gaining muscle requires eating more calories. If I workout my thighs, they do get bigger. If I diet, it's so hard to maintain that muscle, because I don't have the energy to workout as strenuously. But I know this;If I'm going to have even 1% of bodyfat, it's going to be on my thighs and bum. And I cannot live my daily life just for my thighs and bum to look good. What kind of life is that? What would that even get for me? I'm not a model. It won't get me love or friends. Even if I lost the cellulite, I'd still have really pale skin and kind of short legs and I'm just a normal person with a normal life. Even if I had the best legs I could have, which would take a lot of work every day, forever, what would I even get out of that, other than the legs themselves? And I know myself, I would just start to feel self-conscious and ashamed of something else. This is why this is the problem and not my legs.
  12. The only real effective technique is good lighting and good angles. It might have been a teensy tiny bit less noticeable when I was off hormonal birth control. But it was such a small difference. I'm sure that in a side-by-side photo, you wouldn't even be able to see any difference. And I need the hormonal BC to prevent pregnancy. Sometimes it looks better right after a workout, just minutes after a strenuous workout, when my legs are a little swollen. But that might be a difference in the blood vessels in my skin, it's temporary, it's not a change in the underlying structure.
  13. I have cellulite, do you? And my problem with it is a bigger problem than the cellulite itself. This isn't really a request for advice, it's just a discussion and a hope for optimistic encouragement. I have cellulite on my upper thighs and bum, in the back and a little in the front of my thighs. I hate it so much. I am embarrassed to wear shorts or a bathing suit. And I have tried for years to make it go away. It is frustrating. I am of a low weight, and always have been of a healthy low weight. Technically I have been underweight at times, according to some overly simplified scales. But as an adult I always had it, ever since I was in my early 20s. I've never been overweight. It doesn't matter. My thighs have gotten larger with muscle or weight gain, and have shrunken back down again when I changed my workouts and diet. The cellulite was always there. I was a vegetarian for a decade. For a long time I ate almost no bread or potatoes. I've taken collagen supplements, antioxidants, I tried coffee exfoliation scrubs, all the stuff. I was on and off hormonal birth control since I was 20. It didn't matter. I don't smoke, I almost never drink. For a long time I didn't drink at all. I've been a runner, I've been a cardio machine gym-goer, a walker, I've taken ballet for years, I did thrice weekly HIIT for years. I drink a lot of water, eat lots of vegetables and healthy food, very little salt, very little carbs, practically no dairy. I weight train and do ballet and calisthenics, take 60 flights of stairs a day, 10000 steps a day. I dry brush. I massage, I moisturize. It does not matter. The cellulite was always there, through all of these different and differently healthy lifestyle changes. Basically, according to all the advice columns, I shouldn't have it. But I do, and I always did, as an adult. And something else. When I was a teenager I was so self-conscious about having pale skin that I was ashamed to show my body for that reason, back when I was a 100lb teen with no lumps on my legs at all. And then I got the cellulite and I was ashamed of that, too. Imagine if I were berating some other woman for her thighs and telling her that she should be ashamed of them. Ashamed?! How horrible that would be to treat another woman that way. So why am I treating myself this way? I am healthy. I am fit and able to do all these fun and active things! I don't have problems with my health. I don't experience pain. I should be so grateful. I should love my capable, pain-free legs! But moreover, I shouldn't care about these superficial things. This is shallow. This is a shallow, pointless obsession and I want to be over it. I pray for the strength of character to look past the superficial, in myself and in others, so that I value other people and value my life.
  14. I think you have an excellent plan, and I am sure that a therapist will be able to help you prepare to sit down with your husband and discuss your issues openly. I know that you said you don't enjoy romantic intimacy with him, and several people have noted that as a major sign that this marriage is not fix-able, but I wouldn't place so much emphasis on that right now. For me personally, romantic intimacy is only something I can feel when other things are going well. So if you address the other issues, like feeling like you are being heard, then that intimacy might return. This was my perspective on what you said: When he nags you and criticizes you, you feel like he doesn't value and appreciate your efforts, and that he doesn't hold you in high esteem. Additionally, you yourself admitted that you do not hold him in high esteem, either. You said that you settled for him and that you suspect you could have found someone better. I wonder if he can sense your lack of respect for him, and part of his way of asserting his value is to lecture you or always try to show how much he knows better than you about certain things. He may be acting selfishly, more interested in speaking than listening, because he is insecure and always trying to prove himself. This is my guess, that this is a possibility. Instead of your usual dynamic, wouldn't it be nice if he said to you "I appreciate all that you do for us, I can tell that you work hard and contribute a lot, and I'm so grateful for you." And then wouldn't it be nice if you said to him "I feel so safe with you, I know you would never cheat on me or lie to me, and I appreciate how you help remind me to do something when I forget." How could you two get to that point where statements of gratitude become habitual?
  15. Thank you! I feel like I'm the crazy one if people don't agree.
  16. "which is" and "that is" carry distinct meanings here. I would use "that is" if what follows is part of what they are creating in the working environment. "That is" suggests that what follows is restricted to the previous part of the sentence - the working environment they are creating. But if you say "which is" then you are suggesting that what follows is additional to, but not a direct result of or part of the preceding.
  17. The food stealing is pretty shocking! Do you think people know it's not supposed to be free and they just don't care? I guess I'm grateful that people are at least asking! I suppose that if I continue to say "yes" then people may start to assume the answer will always be "yes" and they might start taking it without even asking! I only encountered one occasion of someone obviously intentionally stealing food at work: I worked retail and pleaded with a coworker to trade shifts with me around the holidays. She generously did, so that I could spend time with family. As a thank-you, I baked her a batch of cookies and left them in her mailbox in the staff-room. Someone went in and ate/took about half of them before she saw them. I noticed the bag around the plate was smushed down, and she hadn't even come back to work yet. I peaked in, and saw that half were gone. Grrr. I did find out who took them though, just asking around. He said he saw them and thought they were going to be set out for everyone later, anyway. I accused him of being a thief and he said he wasn't a thief because "I just admitted I took them, why would I admit it if I was a thief?" The logic of some people baffles me. OK, you're an honest thief, you still took something that wasn't yours. And he said "It could have been someone else, though, so I don't know why you're being all mean to me." Ughhhh smh.
  18. At a meeting: yes. At lunchtime, on my breaks, or when I'm quietly working away in my own office not expecting someone to drop by: No.
  19. Do you think it is rude for a co-worker to ask to have some of your: snacks, candy, lunch, drink? Often times I have snacks, gum, food, and drinks at my desk. I also tend to eat lunch at my desk, and there is a little kitchenette near my office where I go to heat things up or prepare my food. It's really common for certain people to ask to have some of what I'm eating. "Oooh, can I have some of your orange?" "Can I have a piece of that?" "That looks good, did you make it? Can I have a taste?" Sometimes people will see a closed package of something on a shelf in my office or just sitting near me, and ask to have some. I always give it, because I can't think of a polite way to decline, but I personally think it's a bit rude. These people aren't my friends, we only ever talk about work or just the most generic of pleasantries like the weather and "do anything fun over the weekend?"-kinds of chit-chat. Once or twice, someone has come to ask me if I have any candy or something like that, and I have lied and said "no" because it was hidden in my desk and I didn't want to share it. And I felt super miserly about that but then also annoyed that I had to hide it and lie. I have shared in such an instance before, but it was with someone I liked a little more, and who was more social with me, not just when he wanted something. Most of the people I work with, they make more money than I do and they're superior in the hierarchy to my role. That shouldn't matter, I think it would still be rude even if it was the unpaid intern, but for some reason that does make it worse, because I think "Can't you buy your own snacks?" I made this thread because just now I had a pack of fig newtons on my desk with two cookies in it. I forgot lunch today and had these in my desk so it was just a snack. I'd taken a bite of one when someone I work for came to my desk to ask about a certain policy. Mid-answer, she interrupted me and muttered, "Can I have one of those?" It took my a second to realize what she was asking for. I took the uneaten cookie out and handed it to her, trying not to look shocked. What would you do, especially with repeat "beggars/moochers" (for lack of a better term)?
  20. All I'm trying to say is that I understand that it is difficult to pull away from a family who is pressuring you to stay.
  21. I wonder if sometimes people on here use the terms "counselor" "therapist" and "psychiatrist" interchangeably. I know that the term "therapy" to me could mean seeing a licensed counselor or a Doctorate of Psychiatry. So, there is a range of professionals and some can most certainly prescribe medication. But even those who cannot, usually they are trained to make referrals if they think it's necessary.
  22. I agree, but I also understand that's hard to do sometimes when you've been raised to believe that you owe something to your family and that family obligations are moral obligations, and when you fear that taking a break will be permanent and will cause you to lose your family altogether. As much as they suck, maybe angie822 feels a strong connection to her family and still wants to have relationships with them, and may fear that she will lose them if she takes a break. In fact, she might lose them if her family decides to react that way to her seeking her own autonomy. That's a scary threat. Most people want to have a family on their side. Some people I know have struggled their whole lives going back and forth, not knowing which is worse, having their family in their lives or no family in their lives.
  23. I think going to therapy again would be a good idea. You could print your exact comment and bring it with you to talk about it. A professional can help you get to the root of these thoughts and give you everyday tactics to deal with this. You sound very intelligent and analytical, and those are strong, good, positive attributes but I think they have a negative flip-side which I have seen in many people before, which can make a person depressed. It sounds to me like you are looking so much at the big picture of life, and that's a lot to deal with. Most people cannot even comprehend the vastness of life and if they did, they might also feel overwhelmingly disappointed, too. But ultimately, you deserve to be hopeful and motivated to live your life; not to live like this, so full of disappointment. I wonder if it would make sense to start practicing something that will help you focus on smaller ideas, smaller moments, specific relationships and goals. I still think a professional counselor would help you but what do you think about practicing focusing on specific, small goals? Example: You could start volunteering one day a week in some place that holds a slight interest, or a place where you have strengths that could be useful to someone else. And think of that goal - to lend your strengths to others for a few hours a week - not as a way to make yourself happy or satisfied but just to do it, that's it. And start there. What are some of your specific, concrete, practical strengths or skills?
  24. I feel like a lot of people in this thread are advocating for someone to cut ties with their family as if that is easy to do. I understand the complexity here. This is your family and they are putting a lot of pressure on you to not be independent, but instead to be part of their unit. And there are innocent toddlers here at risk, having a sibling take care of them, having irresponsible adults. It's not fair to you or those kids. I totally understand how you feel tied to this situation. And it's not so simple to just move out and leave because I understand the guilt you would feel. Your parents' situation sounds a little strange to me. I suspect that what they're doing may not be legal. And that's not why you're here, and that's not for us to get involved in, but it's another layer of guilt and entrapment for you. They're being really crappy to you and that's not fair. But I also would not be surprised if this is going to be a burden for you for life: this balancing act between independently fulfilling your own potential and having to be a member of this family. I don't advocate cutting ties with them and just shipping off without looking back. Your family is important, and they are deeply flawed, and that's complicated. I think anyone else here would feel just as conflicted as you do, and as frustrated. Maybe for some people, leaving their families behind is easy and obvious, but for a lot of people it isn't, and this comes down to a system of values. You have to decide how important your family is to you, and how important it will be to you to have a relationship with them. It's not an easy decision at all and you're wise to think it over. But keep in mind, relationships can expand and contact from distant to close and back again. You don't have to permanently cut them off, and you don't have to be wholly enmeshed in their household, either. Decide what sacrifices you want to make, and how important financial independence would be to you, verses how important family relationships would be. Because it sounds like they're putting you in the position to choose. If you stay involved, you will sacrifice independence and you will grow even more bitter and frustrated, but you'll have your family there around you. I know that you're angry with them, but I think part of you feels like you "ought" to be there. And part of that is the pressure they're putting on you, that you "should" and "ought" to be there for them. That's unfair for them to do. In a more fair family, they would embrace you and accept your decisions, and support and encourage your independence while treating you just as valued as a member of their unit. I think that your family should value you unconditionally, for who you are, and that they should not simply value you for your financial contributions, because that's not unconditional love. I think they should respect your desire for independence and not make you feel guilty about that.
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