He flies First Class, while I fly Coach -- Non-judgemental insight needed

[citrusgreen]

citrusgreen, when you learned about how much money he had, and he started treating you to expensive gifts, and promising you the open invitation and flying you around the country...did a part of you start to expect that you were going to be spoiled by him and always get the first class treatment? No judgement here, just asking.

 

I hear you, but actually no, not at all.

 

Also, he's never gotten me fancy gifts. It's not like that at all. In fact doesn't buy me gifts at all, really. I've actually spent much more money buying him gifts over the years than the reverse, hehe :) (which is fine! I like to be able to do that!!!!).

[j.man]

It's a leading question. Not my communication style but it's not a big deal.

[katrina1980]

It's a leading question. Not my communication style but it's not a big deal.

 

Well, I personally wouldn't have appreciated it, I mean why bother asking at all since there is really only one desired answer; it seems really disingenuous to me.

 

But if it wouldn't have bothered you, then that's okay!

 

I just prefer honesty, not a manipulation of words that almost guarantees the desired answer.

[citrusgreen]

"All that said, I don't know what's up with him. Like I said, I don't like how he presented it to you, and yeah if this were ME, I would never feel comfortable flying 1st class, while my bf sat in coach."

 

Neither would I. The problem here is though that this might not have been the best trip for her to accompany him on - if he is doing business, and needs to be fresh for his meetings/business, then it's understandable that if the additional room/amenities in first class will help him sleep and rest that makes sense. It's not a vacation for him. If it were I'd be 100% with you. It's a tough call for him but he should have put it as "I'd love for you to come, I can afford to treat you for coach but with my meetings, etc and jet lag I really need the extra rest from first class. I feel weird having you not sitting with me but at least we'll get to be together when we get there".

 

This never came up for my husband and me despite doing a lot of combined business trips/vacation hybrids but often I flew alone to meet him on a business trip for various reasons -he had to get there on a different day, he had meetings/dinners where it wouldn't make sense for me to go on the same day, etc. I think he always offered to pay for my ticket (because the hotel room was paid for) and I'm not sure in reality how often I declined and paid my own way. It wasn't an issue. If we got the opportunity to fly somewhere without our child and he was going on business, I would insist he fly first class if possible and I would fly coach, if he needed to be fresh for his meetings ,etc. However, i doubt he would suggest that -at most he would do the number crunching out loud to see how much extra it would cost for me to go. Not in a passive aggressive way either.

 

This wasn't like a one-off "business trip". The thing is, he basically lives 25% of the time in this other city. He has a house there. Yes, the reason is for his work, but that's a part of his lifestyle and he has stated many times that he wants to have me around there; it's a major part of his existence. Obviously I can't go every time. This happened to be a better week than most for me, because it was going to be a very slow work week for me.

 

Also, it's a little bit different than flying for a high-pressure corporate job type of business trip. He's basically an artist. Not that that isn't "work" and doesn't involve "pressure"... but it's a much more relaxed, slower paced kind of thing, where he just needs to be present there sometimes. It's not like he had to show up, clean shaven, buttoned up in a suit, and give a power point presentation to room full of executives... He was there for some much more casual creative sessions with peers.

[citrusgreen]

Agreed - and I made a point about this many posts back, which OP has conveniently ignored.

 

Hi, mustlovedogs. I'm sorry!! I didn't mean to specifically ignore your input. All of your insights are much appreciated. I tried to clarify some of the things you brought up in your previous posts, but I realize my clarifications were not composed as direct response, naming you or "quoting" your posts.

 

Anyway, I'm not sure how to actually make this clear, but please understand that I'm not sitting here stewing and upset. You might think that I am, but the reality is, I'm not. Did it feel a little strange in the moment? Yes. But not to the point where I was upset or angry.

 

Honestly, when it really occured to me was a bit after the trip when a friend and then a family member asked, specifically, about flying. In that moment I felt slightly strange saying "Oh, he flew first class, and he put me in coach." In fact I purposely gave vague responses to their questions in order that things not be revealed. My instinct to do this had me questioning things a bit again. But, still, not to the point where I feel angry or ungrateful. I feel very grateful -- if anything, a bit embarassed to be spoiled in that way at all.

 

To hear that you don't think it's a big deal or a problem that he did this feels like somewhat of a relief to me. As I said, I've turned to this community as a sounding board -- to make sure that something wasn't blatantly wrong with the picture as I described it. I think I mentioned, but I've been somewhat mistreated in certain relationships in the past -- and I sometimes have trouble identifiying for myself when this is happening. So I am trying to get some outside perspective. I care about this relationship and this person a lot. There are some challenges, as there are in any relationship, and I'm also not always the most skilled person at having healthy and normal relationships... (I'm trying to get better at that). But I'm generally happy with the way things are, but checking in with you all to see if I'm headed in the right direction. I really appreciate your help and insight!

[citrusgreen]

She's doubting whether her easy-going nature is out of true lack of concern, or just a developed coping mechanism from not having many resources. Did anyone else grow up poor? I did. I know lots of people who did, and to cope with not having much, you learn to be happy with less, and even to take a certain pride in being happy with less than others have. But it doesn't mean that sometimes you don't doubt whether or not you truly are happy that way.

 

Rihannon, Yes, THIS. For sure. This is so insightful and so true. I think this community has actually done a lot in getting me to the point of questioning the real reason for my outwardly "easy going" ways in these instances. When I really grapple with the truth, I think it is sometimes a long-developed coping mechanism. I didn't grow up poor. But I did grow up in a pretty disfunctional, extremely controlling family -- often the control was implemented by way of abuse. So basically, I grew up having very little agency or power. So I'm very, very used to simply accepting the circumstances around me and making the best of them. The idea that I might be able to control my environment or change the course of events or the way other people treat me is not something that occurs easily to me.

[j.man]

Well, I personally wouldn't have appreciated it, I mean why bother asking at all since there is really only one desired answer; it seems really disingenuous to me.

 

But if it wouldn't have bothered you, then that's okay!

 

I just prefer honesty, not a manipulation of words that almost guarantees the desired answer.

He bothered asking because it wasn't meant as a question. I'd assume he respects her at least so much as to assume she wouldn't expect nor even necessarily want someone paying $1800 for her to sit in first class. His intent was to communicate it would take a ridiculous amount of money to accommodate her similarly, and to give her the opportunity to agree. As much as I think it's fine they be seated separately, it's obviously something that needed to be introduced prior to waiting at the gate, so that's what he did.

 

It's awfully cynical to assume he posed the question to manipulate and deter her from saying "yes, please pay for that" when the OP would have to be a Grade A peach to be inclined to do so. It was a quick 1-2 based on a mutual understanding. "I'd love for you to sit with me, but it'd be crazy expensive, right? Right." Done. Again, not my style of communication, but it's simple enough and a bit neurotic to latch on to.

[katrina1980]

 

It's awfully cynical to assume he posed the question to manipulate and deter her from saying "yes, please pay for that" when the OP would have to be a Grade A peach to be inclined to do so. It was a quick 1-2 based on a mutual understanding. "I'd love for you to sit with me, but it'd be crazy expensive, right? Right." Done. Again, not my style of communication, but it's simple enough and a bit neurotic to latch on to.

 

j.man you can defend him and his wording until hell freezes over, I still personally wouldn't have appreciated it.

 

And I think you're assuming a lot by suggesting he wasn't trying to manipulate her, that may not have been your intention (or even his), but we know zero about their relationship other than the small bits of info CG has provided on this thread and on other threads. And she's been posting about various issues for a very long time.

 

If that makes me cynical, then I okay I own it. I would not have appreciated either the way he presented the question nor sitting in coach while he enjoys first class.

 

Frankly I cannot even imagine that happening (well I could imagine it, and it would feel extremely awkward).

 

Again, call me cynical or high maintenance or whatever, but none of it would have sat well with me.

 

And just to clarify, I am not all that money oriented either or any sort of a "gold-digger" - what would have troubled me was not that I wasn't sitting in first class with him, but that he felt it okay and acceptable that he enjoyed first class while I (his girlfriend) was back in coach.

 

I mean if my own boyfriend can't give up sitting in first class, just this once, so as to enjoy the flight with me back in coach, that, to me, says a lot (and not in a good way, imo).

 

It all just sounds very strange to me.

[Bunney]

 

I mean if my own boyfriend can't give up sitting in first class, just this once, so as to enjoy the flight with me back in coach, that, to me, says a lot (and not in a good way, imo).

 

 

You seem to be conveniently forgetting that the boyfriend had already booked his tickets a week prior, at the time he did not even know that the gf would be joining him, as the OP stated it was a very last minute decision.

 

So would you really expect him to ditch his already booked ticket, which he already PAID for, using his hard earned miles?

 

I have worked for a big travel company previously and can say that it is not possible to downgrade a ticket. He would have had to cancel his existing ticket, possibly lose money (as many even first class tickets are non-refundable or only partly refundable), and then spend money buying a coach ticket. With all of that going on just 36 hours before the flight, that sounds ridiculous, no? How do you even know that on such short notice, there would be a free coach seat next to the girlfriend? What if only single, seperately spread out seats were left (which was most likely the case) and they would have had to sit apart anyway? But that would be OK because he then would at least have the same lack of comfort as the gf? Come on now. Stop being silly.

 

Also, from my experience with working in the travel branch and flying myself, I can say that most airlines prohibit switching seats. Even with Ryanair in economy I am sometimes not allowed to switch seats - in the SAME class. Your flight ticket is assigned to your name, which is assigned to your seat. People on board cant all just start moving around and switching seats. There is a reason for that.

 

It all sounds strange to me too - but not the fact that they flew seperately, much more its the fact that this is even an issue. I would not have felt good letting him pay the whole flight; I would have at least agreed to pay half of it. This guy is a LOT MORE generous than many guys I know and have known. And lets not all act like the coach class is this horrible, awful place that is a real difficulty to get through. Sure, there is more luxury in first class but even if it crossed my mind that I am not being served free drinks right now like my bf is, all I would have to remember to snap out of that is the fact that I AM FLYING FOR FREE. Good lord.

 

And to the OP; I would not even in the slightest compare this situation to the situation he had with the woman he was seeing whom he "treated to first class"; you dont know at all the circumstances surrounding that. I can bet you that that was NOT freaking 36h before the flight, and that she wasnt a last minute guest to one of his business trips. More likely they were going on a vacation together and booked their tickets together right from the start, so obviously in the same class.

[journeynow]

As he was buying my tickets online (me going with him was a very last minute decision), he said: "Oh the First Class tickets are $1800 more. Will you be mad at me if I get you Coach?"

 

As he was booking it he said something like “You won’t be mad at me if I don’t buy you a First Class ticket, right? It’s $1800 extra.”

 

There was a late night comment while he was getting my ticket that went something like “You don’t want me to pay $1800 extra to get you a first class ticket do you?”

 

Chiming in...these 3 quotes are all slightly different versions of his question to you, and I find the whole thing curious. It might be something other than the ticket, the class difference, the power difference. It might not be about him, but about you and what you want from a relationship. Does this feel like a partnership to you? How do you see this long term?

 

OMG, YES!!! This is totally me! When I dig deeper and really grill myself I wonder if it might be a problem. I'd like to work on being more assertive. (Not in asking for flight upgrades, necessarily, but just in life). There is a lot to think about there...

 

I know for me, when someone asks out of the blue in the second and third way (which is a form of a statement, telling me how I feel or what I want, then asking for confirmation) it throws me off and the most reasonable response seems to be to agree. In a situation I was in recently I was asked like this, and agreed, but in retrospect feel it was skirting an issue that perhaps neither of us was ready to discuss. I'm thinking now of other responses to keep in my back pocket. It could be as simple as "I don't know" "I'm not sure just now how I feel about it", "Hmm, good question." With this and other things that have caused my to mull over a situation, it's being expected to agree that doesn't sit well with me. And it's my job to figure out how to respond better. In your shoes I think I'd be looking at the bigger picture, do I feel like we are equals? partners? have mutual respect? etc.

[katrina1980]

Bunney I don't have time to respond to your entire post, but I work in a law firm where the attorneys fly all over the country (USA), even to different countries on occasion (London).

 

For them, it IS quite easy to change a flight, upgrade their flight or downgrade their flight. I have done it for them using their log-in and password. It's takes literally one minute to do so.

 

So, as I said, if my boyfriend couldn't give up his precious first class seat, just this one time, so we could fly together on a very long flight, then yes I would not be comfortable with that.

 

However, if, as you claim, he was NOT able to downgrade his seat, then I would expect him to be honest and tell me that as much as he would have loved to fly with me, he could not afford to fly me out first class (nor downgrade his seat), instead of how he chose to word it, which to me sounded like a bit of a manipulation (or as j.man said, a leading question, which are, in many cases, manipulative).

 

Leading questions like that, should be saved for a court of law (which is mainly when they're asked), NOT for romantic relationships.

 

Honesty is best when in a LTR, in my opinion.

[Bunney]

Well then things in aviation must have taken a massive turn since June last year (when I stopped working in the travel branch) because it has never, not once, been possible to downgrade an existing ticket (only upgrade). The flight system - most airlines use a program called amadeus - will not accept a lower class because then when it came to pricing, an error message would appear. Whatever though - my point still stands. He did her an enormous favor and anyone who would have expected him to dash out 1800 more or taking risks by making changes to a ticket on such short notice, is just a spoiled entitled brat for lack of more accurate terms.

[katrina1980]

You know, after thinking more about this, all this mental gymnastics could have been avoided had CG's boyfriend simply booked her on a different flight (other than his).

 

If he had done that, there would have been no issue of him being in first class and her in coach. Not sure why he just didn't do that, since he knew he wasn't going to sit with her anyway.

 

And also just wanted to say, that despite my previous posts, I do think him flying her out (coach or first class) was a very nice thing to do, and very generous, and I think OP should focus on that, instead of what others think about how he handled the situation (including me!).

[katrina1980]

Well then things in aviation must have taken a massive turn since June last year (when I stopped working in the travel branch) because it has never, not once, been possible to downgrade an existing ticket (only upgrade). The flight system - most airlines use a program called amadeus - will not accept a lower class because then when it came to pricing, an error message would appear. Whatever though - my point still stands. He did her an enormous favor and anyone who would have expected him to dash out 1800 more or taking risks by making changes to a ticket on such short notice, is just a spoiled entitled brat for lack of more accurate terms.

 

I agree with you and again, had this been me, my issue would not have been that he didn't dash out the $1800 for me to fly first class, but that he preferred to fly first class, while I, his girlfriend, was seated back in coach.

 

I said this earlier, but I would never be comfortable flying in first class, knowing my bf was back in coach. Never ever. Would not happen.

 

If I couldn't afford to fly him out first class to sit with me, or change my seat to sit with him in coach, then I would have booked him on a different flight, where none of this would have been an issue at all.

 

CG, he sounds like a really good guy, I just think he could have handled the situation a bit better, that's all.

[citrusgreen]

You seem to be conveniently forgetting that the boyfriend had already booked his tickets a week prior, at the time he did not even know that the gf would be joining him, as the OP stated it was a very last minute decision.

 

So would you really expect him to ditch his already booked ticket, which he already PAID for, using his hard earned miles?

 

I have worked for a big travel company previously and can say that it is not possible to downgrade a ticket. He would have had to cancel his existing ticket, possibly lose money (as many even first class tickets are non-refundable or only partly refundable), and then spend money buying a coach ticket. With all of that going on just 36 hours before the flight, that sounds ridiculous, no? How do you even know that on such short notice, there would be a free coach seat next to the girlfriend? What if only single, seperately spread out seats were left (which was most likely the case) and they would have had to sit apart anyway? But that would be OK because he then would at least have the same lack of comfort as the gf? Come on now. Stop being silly.

 

Also, from my experience with working in the travel branch and flying myself, I can say that most airlines prohibit switching seats. Even with Ryanair in economy I am sometimes not allowed to switch seats - in the SAME class. Your flight ticket is assigned to your name, which is assigned to your seat. People on board cant all just start moving around and switching seats. There is a reason for that.

 

It all sounds strange to me too - but not the fact that they flew seperately, much more its the fact that this is even an issue. I would not have felt good letting him pay the whole flight; I would have at least agreed to pay half of it. This guy is a LOT MORE generous than many guys I know and have known. And lets not all act like the coach class is this horrible, awful place that is a real difficulty to get through. Sure, there is more luxury in first class but even if it crossed my mind that I am not being served free drinks right now like my bf is, all I would have to remember to snap out of that is the fact that I AM FLYING FOR FREE. Good lord.

 

And to the OP; I would not even in the slightest compare this situation to the situation he had with the woman he was seeing whom he "treated to first class"; you dont know at all the circumstances surrounding that. I can bet you that that was NOT freaking 36h before the flight, and that she wasnt a last minute guest to one of his business trips. More likely they were going on a vacation together and booked their tickets together right from the start, so obviously in the same class.

 

You know, after thinking more about this, all this mental gymnastics could have been avoided had CG's boyfriend simply booked her on a different flight (other than his).

 

If he had done that, there would have been no issue of him being in first class and her in coach.

 

And also just wanted to say, that despite my previous posts, I do think him flying her out (coach or first class) was a very nice thing to do, and very generous, and I think OP should focus on that, instead of what others think about how he handled the situation (including me!).

 

I agree with you on all of this, katrina1980. I can also relate to the more initial instincts you expressed about being a bit circumspect about the situation. You've responded to a number of my queries here in the past here on enotalone, and I've always like hearing your perspective. To me, you always sound like someone who has good boundaries, and are good at being clear and honest about your needs and values, mixed with some feminine tact. I really respect these things, and it's always helpful for me to hear your perspective, so thank you!

 

Yes, it absolutely was generous to fly me out any class at all! I'm happy to focus on that.

[Capricorn3]

You seem to be conveniently forgetting that the boyfriend had already booked his tickets a week prior, at the time he did not even know that the gf would be joining him, as the OP stated it was a very last minute decision.

 

So would you really expect him to ditch his already booked ticket, which he already PAID for, using his hard earned miles?

^This (bolded). The more I read, the more I can't help but feel bad for this guy. Here he was, thinking he's going to be doing something nice for his g/f by paying for a flight for her to come and visit ......little knowing that it would be turned over and given the third degree. Poor guy, "damned if you do, damned if you don't".

How easy would it be to simply be thankful, grateful, appreciative and gracious about it all without turning it into something "so unfair" (which is the general tone), imo. Give the guy a break - he didn't have to buy a ticket in the first place, but he DID.

[citrusgreen]

^This (bolded). The more I read, the more I can't help but feel bad for this guy. Here he was, thinking he's going to be doing something nice for his g/f by paying for a flight for her to come and visit ......little knowing that it would be turned over and given the third degree. Poor guy, "damned if you do, damned if you don't".

How easy would it be to simply be thankful, grateful, appreciative and gracious about it all without turning it into something "so unfair" (which is the general tone), imo. Give the guy a break - he didn't have to buy a ticket in the first place, but he DID.

 

 

I am the OP. If there is anything at all in *MY* general tone that indicates that I don’t feel gracious and thankful, then there has been a miscommunication.

 

My basic stance (which I hope is clear to most who have read this far) is that, yes, I am extremely thankful in general. That part (for me) is a given.

 

The situation in general is perhaps a bit unusual and awkward, and that is why I’ve written about it here. And, accordingly, it’s provoked a bit of controversy and polarized positions on this board.

 

I want to make sure that other respondants’ opinions are not somehow taken to mean that *I* myself am ungrateful. Please read my many responses and more nuanced explanations throughout this thread.

 

Thanks!

[journeynow]

The situation in general is perhaps a bit unusual and awkward,

 

Yes, in a round about way, that is what I was referring to in my post: How to respond in those unusual and awkward situations. And also, is there a deeper issue here, not about the plane ride, but the over-riding dynamic?

[katrina1980]

I am the OP. If there is anything at all in *MY* general tone that indicates that I don’t feel gracious and thankful, then there has been a miscommunication.

 

My basic stance (which I hope is clear to most who have read this far) is that, yes, I am extremely thankful in general. That part (for me) is a given.

 

The situation in general is perhaps a bit unusual and awkward, and that is why I’ve written about it here. And, accordingly, it’s provoked a bit of controversy and polarized positions on this board.

 

I want to make sure that other respondants’ opinions are not somehow taken to mean that *I* myself am ungrateful. Please read my many responses and more nuanced explanations throughout this thread.

 

Thanks!

 

CG, just chiming in to say that I personally never interpreted any of your posts to mean you were ungrateful.

 

You admit you felt a bit uncomfortable about the whole thing (which I would have too for reasons already explained), and came here asking what others thought.

 

Doesn't mean you were ungrateful or that you didn't appreciate his kind gesture.

 

And as my later posts reflect, I also commended him on his kind and most generous gesture.

 

My only real issue was that by booking you on the same flight as his, but in a lower class, he created a somewhat awkward situation (which you initially questioned), which could have been avoided had he simply booked you a different flight (same day, different time).

[Batya33]

CG, just chiming in to say that I personally never interpreted any of your posts to mean you were ungrateful.

 

You admit you felt a bit uncomfortable about the whole thing (which I would have too for reasons already explained), and came here asking what others thought.

 

Doesn't mean you were ungrateful or that you didn't appreciate his kind gesture.

 

And as my later posts reflect, I also commended him on his kind and most generous gesture.

 

My only real issue was that by booking you on the same flight as his, but in a lower class, he created a somewhat awkward situation (which you initially questioned), which could have been avoided had he simply booked you a different flight (same day, different time).

 

Yes but then they can't easily travel together to and from the airport -and he can probably expense his travel so she could share the taxi, etc.

[katrina1980]

Yes but then they can't easily travel together to and from the airport -and he can probably expense his travel so she could share the taxi, etc.

 

True, which means he weighs what's more important.

 

1. Risk having his gf (and himself) feel awkward and uncomfortable being on the same flight but in different class seats? Or,

 

2. Not being able to expense out the cab fare.

 

I don't know, the more I think about it, and like you and I discussed earlier, if my boyfriend had told me that he couldn't afford the $1800 to fly me out first class (and that he could expense out his airfare or a portion thereof), I would have responded with "no problem babe, I really appreciate your flying me out at all, and we'll see each other when we get there"!

 

I could certainly live and be happy flying in coach, while he sat in first class, had he presented it to me that way.

 

I'm not that unreasonable and difficult. lol

[mustlovedogs]

Honestly I can’t believe this has gone on so long.

 

OP - if you’re grateful, the end. That’s all there is to it.

 

If you feel otherwise, talk to your partner.

 

The opinions are divided here, which means the next step is on you.

[Batya33]

True, which means he weighs what's more important.

 

1. Risk having his gf (and himself) feel awkward and uncomfortable being on the same flight but in different class seats? Or,

 

2. Not being able to expense out the cab fare.

 

I don't know, the more I think about it, and like you and I discussed earlier, if my boyfriend had told me that he couldn't afford the $1800 to fly me out first class (and that he could expense out his airfare or a portion thereof), I would have responded with "no problem babe, I really appreciate your flying me out at all, and we'll see each other when we get there"!

 

I could certainly live and be happy flying in coach, while he sat in first class, had he presented it to me that way.

 

I'm not that unreasonable and difficult. lol

 

It’s an opinion. I don’t think it’s worth not being able to travel together to the airport and risk flight delays by one or both people etc so the way it appears will be better. And often people have to sit apart at the last minute. It’s not like sitting rows sort for a move or show - it’s a means to an end so you can have a fun time at your destination. And if you fly together and she forgets something he can bring it to her during the flight. Lots of stuff like that. It’s not just how he put it Tsitsior the problem - it’s that how he put it was so compelling to her which tells me there’s more going on - that in general she doesn’t think he has honorable intentions.

[Starlight925]

10 pages later, and so much has been said.

 

I think it would have been a very chivalrous gesture of him to have offered you his First Class seat. It would then have been very kind of you to accept, and to offer to switch for the flight home.

 

The fact that he never offered, coupled with the fact that he went ahead in the TSA line and left you in the regular line, tell me he didn't take advantage of two times he could have been chivalrous.

 

I like chivalry, and I fear it's dying, and I think that's unfortunate.

[jellybean2018]

I think what your boyfriend did was totally icky. I wouldn't let a girlfriend fly in coach on the same plane where I was in First Class. If money was a problem, then you both should have flown Coach.

 

 

This.

 

I don't think it comes down to her being assertive with if its ok or not, I think most would feel icky about this.

 

 

I would have stayed with my other half in economy class