"you can't..."

[jimthzz]

It is annoying the way you got emotionally involved for a year + before finding out his stance. But as others have written, you have to respect his boundary AND yours. Who wants a life of never even having a social drink?

 

If you're not a teetotaler, not a problem. If you enjoy a drink now and then, it is an unnecessary restriction on your enjoyment of life.

 

It seems you are at the end of your relationship.

[DancingFool]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. I knew from the beginning he wasn't a huge fan of drinking, so I knew from the beginning that he would never part-take. However, a little further into our relationship he informed me that he would break up with me if I drank ever. At first I didn't think this would be an issue since I wasn't hugely into alcohol anyway but the part that kept digging at me was the fact he was basically telling me what I could and couldn't do. I recently tried to talk to he to maybe on special occasions drink and promise to never get drunk but he quickly shot it down and reminded me that he wouldn't remain with me if I drank. I really don't want to break up with him for a stupid reason like alcohol but it's starting to really dig at me. I've never once told him that he "could not" do something. I know at one point I hinted at that I didn't like something and he said "too bad, if you don't like it break up with me." Again, IT'S NOT ABOUT THE ALCOHOL, it's the fact that I'm "not allowed to". I don't really know what to do. I love this man, I want to marry him.

 

This isn't about alcohol or drinking. This is about control and specifically using the threat of ending the relationship as means to get his way in ANY conflict type situation. It's a threat and a power imbalance in that he thinks he has you where you care so much that you'll simply yield to his demands to avoid losing him. Extremely unhealthy and dangerous.

 

I'd say call him on it and leave him. If you don't want to leave him and want to marry him, then realize that you are signing up for a lifetime of his way or the highway. He is already being bad now, I can't even imagine how much worse things will get for you once he has you locked into marriage, where escape is that much more difficult. Frankly, I wouldn't even be surprised if he turns abusive on you. The above is a red flag big enough to cover this entire planet twice.

[indea08]

I agree that people are allowed to have their dealbreakers. However, if having a drink...a single drink...is enough to dump you over?? That is ridiculous, and I don't care what past experiences he may have. If he had said "I don't want to be with someone who gets drunk," THAT is how you assert your boundaries. He said "If you ever have a single drink I will break up with you." That is a threat, that is controlling, and that would've been the end for me right there.

 

Life isn't black and white. There's a lot of gray, and you need a partner who can be flexible because we are human and things happen. If he's so ready to throw a whole relationship away over a drink, how is he going to compromise on way bigger issues?? You may love him, but he does not sound like good husband material.

[SweetGirl28]

But he should have told her this before they got involved . .or exercised his right to not date someone that drank.

It's not fair to tell her what to do a year and half into it.

 

Ya I'm wondering if there's not something deeper here the OP isn't revealing.

People show their true colors pretty quick. If it's a control thing, there would have been other things way before this that would have been an issue.

[Pleasedonot5]

Speeding is also illegal.

 

If you drive a few miles over the speed limit then you are participating in illegal activities as well.

 

If legality is your primary concern I bet you most anyone you have dated has willfully broken the law.

 

So deciding that this illegal activity is fine but this other one is not is putting your moral subjectivity on laws to determine acceptable ones to break or not.

 

Which is once again just using your morals to subjectively skew activity as right and wrong.

 

Doing that for your relationships is what everyone is supposed to do to help meet an appropriate mate.

 

My issue is saying that "alcohol is fine as a drug because I think it is" is a subjective place to draw the line, regardless of whether it is illegal or not.

 

More people are hurt from alcohol than LSD so what the government thinks is safe is rarely the best opinion.

 

Just because you think alcohol is fine doesn't mean everyone should. And critizing someone's viewpoint on their morality because they don't find it acceptable is hypocritical when all you are doing is drawing your own line.

 

In all honesty I couldn't care less about legality compared to my personal morality.

 

But to the OP.

 

He might be crazy but that is his right in this regard.

 

I couldn't stand such a thing but many people could and you are wasting both your time if you aren't able to deal with such a cut and dry boundary.

Severity is important. "Breaking the law" doesn't fit nicely into solely one category. Murder isn't the same as jaywalking.

 

Further, speeding 1-10 mph over the speed limit is a socially acceptable and typically safe behavior. It IS a civil/ordinance infraction, but it isn't a felony, misdemeanor, etc. Though you say legality and morality can be (and should be) treated separately, I wouldn't always agree. There are risks and social ramifications to participating visibly in that sort of behavior.

 

I think it's safe to draw that kind of severity distinction here instead of viewing it as all or none. If we use a reasonable person standard, not permitting a partner to social drink or speed a mph over the speed limit is almost always unrealistic and unreasonable... Who does that? However, having a partner take severe legal and health risks (again, for me, depending on severity. I probably wouldn't mind safe limited LSD use either) by taking harder drugs... Well that's less unreasonable, don't you think?

[thealchemist]

Severity is important. "Breaking the law" doesn't fit nicely into solely one category. Murder isn't the same as jaywalking.

 

Further, speeding 1-10 mph over the speed limit is a socially acceptable and typically safe behavior. It IS a civil/ordinance infraction, but it isn't a felony, misdemeanor, etc. Though you say legality and morality can be (and should be) treated separately, I wouldn't always agree. There are risks and social ramifications to participating visibly in that sort of behavior.

 

I think it's safe to draw that kind of severity distinction here instead of viewing it as all or none. If we use a reasonable person standard, not permitting a partner to social drink or speed a mph over the speed limit is almost always unrealistic and unreasonable... Who does that? However, having a partner take severe legal and health risks (again, for me, depending on severity. I probably wouldn't mind safe limited LSD use either) by taking harder drugs... Well that's less unreasonable, don't you think?

I am saying that what you call "socially acceptable" is just a subjective thing.

 

That telling someone what they should accept because of social acceptance is not any more moral than non socially acceptable activities.

 

If you are from the middle east then having a zero tolerance alcohol standard is pretty social acceptable. So is disciplining your wife for a perceived transgression.

 

All I am saying is that what is socially acceptable in one area is taboo in another and only a narrow perspective allows you to think you way is fine but others is not.

 

In my cultural anthropology class in college I did a paper on a South American tribe that requires all males to perform oral sex on an elder male before he can take a wife.

 

My whole point was that this is a totally functioning social structure with a standard cultural practice that is so mind blowing to our society but it works, and has for a long time, perfectly well.

 

The tribeman were morally offended at the Americans doing research on them because they exchanged currency instead of bartering. Which in their culture is a huge taboo.

 

It is all subjective...

[j.man]

Telling someone your relationships don't operate when there's any alcohol at all involved is one thing. Telling someone they "can't do" something is another. Now I'm not sure if the OP was actually quoting her BF in writing that, but, if so, that does cross a line for me.

 

Additionally, and while many may see it as semantics, I do think you can only center the conversation on consequences so many times before it is being employed at least as an effort to be controlling. For someone who isn't interested in controlling their partner, it should get to a point of, "Look, you know where I stand on it. I can't and wouldn't stop you, but I can't have alcohol involved in my relationships, directly or indirectly." Ultimately, he's the one who-- right, wrong, or gray-- doesn't tolerate a behavior, so to frame it as her doing x and causing y rather than it being about his unwillingness (again, not saying rightly or wrongly) to accept a dynamic is, IMO, what crosses the line between asserting and attempted domineering.

 

But I do stand by my original point that he is in fact not allowing or disallowing you to do anything. You're likewise free to leave him and pursue relationship prospects who would be OK with your consumption of alcohol.

[Pleasedonot5]

I am saying that what you call "socially acceptable" is just a subjective thing.

 

That telling someone what they should accept because of social acceptance is not any more moral than non socially acceptable activities.

 

If you are from the middle east then having a zero tolerance alcohol standard is pretty social acceptable. So is disciplining your wife for a perceived transgression.

 

All I am saying is that what is socially acceptable in one area is taboo in another and only a narrow perspective allows you to think you way is fine but others is not.

The point is...

 

A partner harming the safety/security of the couple, and causing social ramifications for the couple are reasonable dealbreakers. In this society, though subjective, social drinking (let's say, 1-2 drinks) is neither illegal nor a social transgression. Hence, based solely on the criteria above, it is not reasonable to attempt to prohibit a partner from social drinking. One can still try to control their partner in this fashion, just isn't reasonable.

 

It may be perfectly reasonable to want to break up, or to limit a partner's alcohol use in the Middle East for fear of legal punishments and social shunning. That just isn't applicable here.

[maew]

This isn't about alcohol or drinking. This is about control and specifically using the threat of ending the relationship as means to get his way in ANY conflict type situation. It's a threat and a power imbalance in that he thinks he has you where you care so much that you'll simply yield to his demands to avoid losing him. Extremely unhealthy and dangerous.

 

I'd say call him on it and leave him. If you don't want to leave him and want to marry him, then realize that you are signing up for a lifetime of his way or the highway. He is already being bad now, I can't even imagine how much worse things will get for you once he has you locked into marriage, where escape is that much more difficult. Frankly, I wouldn't even be surprised if he turns abusive on you. The above is a red flag big enough to cover this entire planet twice.

 

Yes to all of this.... there is a difference between setting boundaries to say how you want to be treated, and boundaries that are based on controlling the actions of the other person.

 

I went through this with my ex and I thought if I stayed I could get him to relent and compromise... it never happened, he just got more and more rigid over time until the marriage ended. Lesson learned!

[Wiseman2]

He's not telling you what to do he's telling you you can drink but he won't be with you in that case. So you have every right to drink and he has every right to end it. It's not about alcohol. It's about being clear on deal breakers.

I knew from the beginning that he would never part-take. reminded me that he wouldn't remain with me if I drank.

[thealchemist]

The point is...

 

A partner harming the safety/security of the couple, and causing social ramifications for the couple are reasonable dealbreakers. In this society, though subjective, social drinking (let's say, 1-2 drinks) is neither illegal nor a social transgression. Hence, based solely on the criteria above, it is not reasonable to attempt to prohibit a partner from social drinking. One can still try to control their partner in this fashion, just isn't reasonable.

 

It may be perfectly reasonable to want to break up, or to limit a partner's alcohol use in the Middle East for fear of legal punishments and social shunning. That just isn't applicable here.

You are saying something is or isn't reasonable based on your subjective regional opinion.

 

This is an international site and I think it is pretty arrogant to use your regional social standards to apply to everyone on a world based website.

 

To second that point, your regional knowledge of US is very skewed too. Large regions of the US socially condemn drinking alcohol and can have severe social consequences. The area I live in is a good example.

 

Also in my region it is socially acceptable to publicly critize a person based on their ethnic origin or sexual preferences.

 

Just because something is socially acceptable doesn't mean it is acceptable to me. Also, just because it isn't socially acceptable doesn't mean it isn't to me.

 

If people didn't go along with what society tells them is ok or not we wouldn't have issues with large populations taking part in horrendous atrocities, like the ethnic cleansing during the holocaust or in Burma.

 

I just have distain for social acceptance...

[itsallgrand]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the legal drinking age in Tennessee 21 years old? And OP has her age as 18.

If that's true, it puts a different spin on the question.

[Wiseman2]

Good catch. Yes so what does mean OP?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the legal drinking age in Tennessee 21 years old? And OP has her age as 18.If that's true, it puts a different spin on the question.

[thealchemist]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the legal drinking age in Tennessee 21 years old? And OP has her age as 18.

If that's true, it puts a different spin on the question.

Well then I guess it depends on the social acceptance of underage drinking in the region...

[Pleasedonot5]

You are saying something is or isn't reasonable based on your subjective regional opinion.

 

This is an international site and I think it is pretty arrogant to use your regional social standards to apply to everyone on a world based website.

 

To second that point, your regional knowledge of US is very skewed too. Large regions of the US socially condemn drinking alcohol and can have severe social consequences. The area I live in is a good example.

 

Also in my region it is socially acceptable to publicly critize a person based on their ethnic origin or sexual preferences.

 

Just because something is socially acceptable doesn't mean it is acceptable to me. Also, just because it isn't socially acceptable doesn't mean it isn't to me.

 

If people didn't go along with what society tells them is ok or not we wouldn't have issues with large populations taking part in horrendous atrocities, like the ethnic cleansing during the holocaust or in Burma.

 

I just have distain for social acceptance...

It's supposed to be a polite discussion, chemist. I don't appreciate your comment, and I don't think it's honest to compare my point of view to genocide. I see your point about drug comparisons and social rules, but I disagree.

 

You'll never find an objective standard if that is what you are seeking, though there is such thing as reasonable subjectivity. Also, the OP lives in the U.S. (presumably in a location, like most, that would tolerate a few sips of alcohol) so I am applying my standard based upon that. Though subjective, again, breaking up/limiting your partner over that is like breaking up with/limiting someone because you don't want them to wear red clothes on occasion.

----

If OP lives in a region where it isn't socially acceptable, or legal -- in my opinion, as the previous poster mentioned, that might change my point of view.

[SweetGirl28]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the legal drinking age in Tennessee 21 years old? And OP has her age as 18.

If that's true, it puts a different spin on the question.

 

I knew there was something amiss here! Good catch on the age.

[thealchemist]

It's supposed to be a polite discussion, chemist. I don't appreciate your comment, and I don't think it's honest to compare my point of view to genocide. I see your point about drug comparisons and social rules, but I disagree.

 

You'll never find an objective standard if that is what you are seeking, though there is such thing as reasonable subjectivity. Also, the OP lives in the U.S. (presumably in a location, like most, that would tolerate a few sips of alcohol) so I am applying my standard based upon that. Though subjective, again, breaking up/limiting your partner over that is like breaking up with/limiting someone because you don't want them to wear red clothes on occasion.

----

If OP lives in a region where it isn't socially acceptable, or legal -- in my opinion, as the previous poster mentioned, that might change my point of view.

I was not equating it to genocide.

 

I am saying social acceptance is a terrible standard because it can lead to things like genocide. So it isn't something I put importance on outside of dealing with society.

 

Also, I was born in and lived in the state refered to. I can personally tell you that large evangelical sects of the population condemn social drinking. If the OPs family is in this social group his family could be ostracized due to his gf's drinking.

 

People get ostracized from religious organizations for less than this. So if that is the guy's concern it is legitimate.

 

Also it has been brought up that the OP posted their age at 18, so totally illegal.

 

I am simply trying to say I can think of a lot of legitimate reasons why someone would state this requirement for a functioning relationship with them.

 

Just because you don't think there is a legit reason doesn't make it not legitimate.

[Pleasedonot5]

Sure, I can agree to religion being a reason if applicable. As mentioned, it's not really "all or nothing." Of course there are exceptions. Agreed with the 18 year old thing. I mean we probably all drank at that age, but it is illegal, and I do think it legally and socially carries some hefty ramifications if caught. By my own logic, it would seem that OP's boyfriend isn't being completely unreasonable if that's what his reasoning is.

 

Maybe OP should shed some light with additional details!

 

Also, jealous that you're in Tennessee -- bet the roads are better than where I live, and Nashville's pretty hype.

[NYatHeart]

I noticed towards the end people discussing my age. The fact is I don't drink currently, but I'm thinking of the future, when I am of drinking age. For example, my parents love wine. They love the craft and enjoy going on wine tours and wine tastings. Similarly my sister and her husband (who are 28 and 29) love beer and go to breweries for tastings and tours. That was something I always looked forward to when I was drinking age. And then there are vacations. When my family went to Scotland, the drinking age there is 18. My parents went on this scotch distillery tour and tasting, and I didn't part take because I knew my boyfriend wouldn't be happy. Next summer I'll be going on a vacation to the Caribbean and there the drinking age is again 18 and I would've thought it to be fun to have a nice drink on the beach. All and all, like I said initially, it's not really about the alcohol, but I wanted to defend myself and clear any suspicions of me drinking illegally.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately your bf and you and your family life/culture are incompatible. If those are his criteria, he needs to find girls who share his views. And likewise you need to find someone more consistent with your values. What do your parents think of him?

[Hollyj]

I understand your logic but you are putting your moral values subjectively into this scenario with regards to morality of alcohol.

 

If I were to say that I like to trip acid a few times a year is that of zero concern for my spouse?

 

You have no issue with alcohol so that is your subjective view of the situation.

 

But LSD isn't addictive, alcohol is. Occasional usage of LSD also has negligible health consequences, just like alcohol.

 

LSD usage while I am away from my spouse also would have equivalent repercussions on her as remote alcohol usage.

 

But on that same note a person that has extramarital relations yet practices safe sex and doesn't let that sex affect their LT relationship is in a similar situation.

 

You are just arbitrarily drawing a line in the sand on what is acceptable or not based on your morals.

 

If someone viewed alcohol as you do narcotics how is that different?

 

As far of the ex thing goes with me...

 

I hate the "collector" mentality. If I am in a relationship with someone and it ends I don't want a relationship with that person anymore. Of any variety.

 

I find holding on to attachments with failed partners is a waste of time and a needless complication for future relationships.

 

I would like my partner to be of a similar mindset. If you knew me you would never think I am insecure or jealous. It is funny even attributing those characteristics to me.

 

I have plenty of flaws, just not those.

 

I just put my partner above all and to me even having someone with which I was romantic with in my life is a pointless attachment.

 

I have also been stubbornly pursued by an ex, as my wife has also. So I am sure that has a bit to do with it too.

 

But my "no ex" rule has worked out great so far, my wife and I are very happy with each other.

 

I know a lot of people who have ruined relationships because they couldn't have healthy boundaries with an ex, even without actually cheating or anything.

 

I have have tripped on acid- more than once in my high school years . The experience is much different from a couple of cocktails. God only knows how much it fries the brain cells.

[AshesXxxx]

If it is only the alcohol. That seems like a deal breaker which you don't have to agree with but it is. Just like people don't want to be with a smoker. I think sacrifice happens in life. If you want him, don't drink.

[LC8328]

Good discussion and a lot of good points made by everyone.

 

What I would want to focus on, if I were in your shoes, OP, is WHY your bf has this 'rule.'

 

I get that it's a dealbreaker, but why? Does he have other things he limits you on? Or is it just about the alcohol?

 

Like someone else said, does he have very bad memories of someone who was an alcoholic? It would be worth your time as his GF to have a serious discussion -not about you, but about him. I would want to understand where he is coming from. Is he a jerk who wants to control your every move or has he been very damaged by alcoholism in the past?

 

I also notice that you're saying how much you want to drink wine like your parents when you're of age..and how much you want to go on beer tastings..and maybe, just maybe, he observes little hints like this from being around you and wants you to stop drinking before it starts. Not trying to accuse you of anything and it could very well be that the very fact that he's "forbidden" you from drinking is why you're thinking about how fun it would be to drink..but maybe him saying "if you even take one sip then i'm outta here" is his way of trying to put a stop to a sip, and then a drink, and then a harder drink, and then a joint, and then drugs.. :shrug: I don't really know, just throwing out some random ideas.

 

But in the end I gotta echo jman and just advise you that if you really can't handle this rule, leave him.

 

On a slightly different note..you're 18 and say that you want to marry this guy..that concerns me for an entirely new reason, and that would be a different thread.

[Unreasonable]

It was crappy to spring this on you a year in, agree on this point.

 

I grew up in a devout mormon household. I absolutely NEVER would have seriously dated someone who drank. Not even a little bit. I also wouldn't have dated someone who said they wanted sex before marriage either. I typically didn't date out of my religion either as an adult, so this wasn't really an issue for me but it could have been. We have since fallen away from the religion and drink socially a few times a month (our parents still don't know), drink coffee, etc.

 

My wife has smoked on occasion, fairly recently, and that is one think I just can't tolerate. I think a lot of people get this because smoking has been hammered on for the last 40 years, but they wouldn't have 40 years go, since it was "normal" then. I have not threatened her with divorce or anything, but I did express extreme displeasure, and if she started chain smoking, I really don't know what I'd do. It's addictive, bad for you health, and super expensive, and on top of that, just plain disgusting (for me at least). Your boyfriend is not "wrong" for having zero tolerance for alcohol, he was wrong to bring it up so late.

 

I don't think this translates into necessarily being controlling about every single little thing, and, as others pointing out, this is less of saying "you can't", and more of saying "you can, but there will be consequences". Not good consequences. If this was part of a pattern of control issues, I'd take a serious look at the relationship. If not, you need to decide if "being able" to drink alcohol, consequence free, is important to you

[11moreweeks]

It was crappy to spring this on you a year in, agree on this point

 

Given that they are still in high school (maybe the guy is just out), I disagree. They are still creating their own value systems.

 

To chime in on the rest of the thread, I don't think having alcohol be a dealbreaker makes someone controlling. Alcohol is really bad for you, arguably worse than most of the common illegal drugs, especially with regards statistical health and social consequences (outside legality consequences).

 

Alcohol use is a borderline dealbreaker for me, personally (tobacco and drugs are clear dealbreakers for me. I do absolutely nothing myself). It has almost nothing to do with "controlling" someone and has almost everything to do with a deeply-ingrained fear of going through the things I've gone through with the people closest to me again. I don't think I would outright break up with someone over casual/social alcohol use, but I would probably have a very hard time being satisfied or comfortable with them and that would probably just lead to relationship failure anyways.