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Everything posted by 11moreweeks

  1. Wow. Coming back here for a message after having a fling of a couple months blow up, naturally triggering thoughts of whether or not I want to contact you again...I'm able to look back at my last message almost 5 months ago and realize how much things keep changing. Cleaning the holes in my heart, and now actually healing them, has been amazing. I'm in the process of identifying new holes in my heart to clean up, maybe holes which you already saw and which I could not in that previously described snowy glare of light that you shined on me -- and which may have equally been hidden in the shadowy darkness that emanated from within the holes. And so the path and job continues...I once again can only hope that your own path is going as well as it can.
  2. Three and a half years. A lot has changed. Of the many holes in my heart, the one left by you is probably the cleanest now. I still feel the presence of the hole, and I've begun to accept that I always will. My time with you showered me with light, from both inside and outside of my body, and while the light would sometimes shine through the holes in my heart, it still did more than I think you will ever know in illuminating me -- I hope you recognize your strength in that context. There was of course the downside that the light would produce such a strong, snowy glare that the holes were hidden in blinding light. I'm in the process of cleaning the other holes in my heart which arose from two lineages of intergenerational traumas, and while it's extraordinarily painful, I know that I still have to do this. This will be what is best for myself, my family, my friends, and my communities. There exist new tunnels in my world shining lights towards me, though for now, many of them shine right through the holes in my heart. I will continue working on this, and I will continue to heal...from everything. As for you, all I can do is wish the modern you general well-being from across the many boundaries of space and time. No one deserves to suffer in this life, but suffering begets suffering, and I hope that whatever holes may exist in your heart do not remove the light from you and your social network.
  3. I always wonder if you're trying to get in contact with me whenever you're around the corners. If you are, then just e-mail me or something. You only have a few months left before my life changes in such permanent ways and I sever what little ties you can even access me with. Speak now or forever hold your peace.
  4. It was nice talking to you today. I'm pretty afraid, though. I don't know what I want. Do you?
  5. @RayRay63: maybe I will do that, but we'll see how it goes. I don't really have many feelings left about how it all went down, and I'm not thinking about the relationship much, but that's usually when these things sneak up on you. @Catfeeder: thanks! Yeah, I likely will seek therapy again during graduate school, though I did get a real effective period of therapy for 9 months after my breakup. More healthcare is always good in my book. I feel rather confident that the relationship-focused issues have been resolved for quite a while (over a year), it's just seemed more like the regular motions of healing from a nasty breakup. I actually think I ditched the personal issues that let me tolerate the relationship long before I got rid of most of the emotional hold, thanks in part to therapy and a wonderful network of friends.
  6. It's been about a year and a half since my breakup, and although I keep doing better and better, I am still healing from it. I've found myself ruminating and being nostalgic a little this last week or two, so I figured it would benefit me to make a thread to remind myself of where I came from and where I'm going. To begin with, the relationship had some serious issues and she was not good to me. No matter if I miss her at times, I need to remember how the relationship was hurting me and how it ended. With anecdotes like an instance of cheating early on while I lost my relationship with my father, being apathetic to what was likely a heart attack for me at age 22, or being willing to hold my PTSD triggers against me that stemmed from surviving a murder attempt.. She was not kind or caring for me. Likewise, there were chronic issues in the relationship, like an unwillingness to communicate, a refusal to work towards improving or progressing the relationship, apathy towards me being in a serious situation of domestic violence/abuse from family, and even a tendency to guilt trip me to stay in that situation...she was not treating me with the decency and care that anyone deserves in a relationship. The ending of the relationship was quite horrendous, characterized by her choosing to cheat because I'd become depressed after a close childhood friend of mine was murdered, followed by months of being manipulated and lied to by her to take advantage of me while she was dating someone new. All the compounded factors eventually worsened my life situation with my mother/abuser getting much sicker, to the point where I had to survive a second possible murder attempt by her, and with me both not graduating from university on time and having to quit my job from it all. Clearly, the relationship wasn't worth it, even if it felt like my salvation. However, that's in the past. I've since had all home issues solved permanently, have moved past all the mental health issues I used to face, have finished my university coursework for my bachelor's (and am now starting to get work done towards getting into a master's program), and have had very significant improvements for myself. Finally, and most importantly, I've regained respect for myself that I'd previously lost and I know exactly what I want in my life at this time (and how to achieve it). I have a solid plan that will get me where I want to be and that is attainable, and I have the things in my life under control. I felt the need to post this just to remind myself of these things. I deserve better, and better is where I keep ending up thanks to the work I am putting in.
  7. Yeah, it's probably not a clear case of her pulling away and him wanting something more fruitful. With that said, it is also possible that this guy only agreed that they "both" weren't ready as a means to be agreeable to someone he wanted to be with, which could be dishonest on his part regarding his own feelings. It's worth it enough for the OP to think about the possibility that she was stringing someone along and potentially grow from that behavior. Either way, though, there was no relationship here, and regardless of which part[ies] were "pulling away", the dynamic has been effectively pulled away from, so there's really not much to do other than to move forward alone and form a better dynamic with the next person.
  8. Nah, let it go. She's choosing to be immature with the financial situation in the first place, perhaps not letting go of the past to move forward. This is her battle to face. Focus on yourself. She is not your girlfriend. Her financial well-being, emotions/baggage (even if caused by you), and any of that other stuff is not your problem. If she wants to have a serious conversation or solution with you, then she should have to contact you about it in the future. Her financial decisions with you at the moment, in my opinion, offers enough evidence to think she'll continue to screw you over. Keep some money on hand to make sure that, if she does try to financially clean things up with you, then you can do that when she wants to, but don't make it your responsibility if she's shown that she won't play game when you try to make it right in the first place. If the phone she had helped you get is now a brick because it's "lost or stolen", maybe that can be something she gets in lieu of some of the money when she does reach out. It's of no value to you, but should be to her, given her choice.
  9. I'm looking to get into getting my master's in hydrology or a related field. I've had desire to date again and I've been a little unhappy being single, and that's why I'm choosing to still not date. I did get some interest from women after my initial weight loss, but I'd rather be fully healed before I risk my or anyone else's feelings getting messed up. Good luck with your therapy! I found it pretty comfortable myself, as if I was in control of my own healing while getting some professional guidance.
  10. Thanks! Most of it took years of effort, the progress of which I couldn't express due to continuing home issues (I felt like I had to wait until I managed to leave my home until it was all able to be shown). The breakup acted as a catalyst to bring my improvements out of me, then all my home issues being fixed last Summer acted as a kind of cement for it all. I did receive therapy from November through August of last year, which did noticeably help me in reaching me mental/emotional goals, which included a lot of cognitive-behavioral therapy. I'm currently intending to make some graduate school applications in the next 4 months or so, and if those don't come to fruition, I'm planning to save up and move from the Midwest to the Pacific Northwest for a better climate and more opportunities in my field. Nothing set in stone yet, though, so it's still a process of looking. So long as I continue to focus on myself and in improving things that I know I can control in my life, things should fall into place for me, and once they do, perhaps I can date again. I think that's usually the best approach those of us healing from a breakup can take.
  11. I totally managed to get past PTSD and a long-term condition of depersonalization, recovering the personality I used to have before facing a lot of traumas in my life during the course of the relationship. I've greatly improved many of my other interpersonal skills as well, and I've massively improved my emotional and mental self-management. I've greatly increased my self-esteem and senses of self-worth and self-respect, and feel much more confident in my ability to form, build, and maintain healthy relationships in the future. I developed some new routines, habits, and interests that have been better for my health, and while I had lost a bunch of weight after my breakup, I've since regained about as much as I'd lost due to experiencing some traumas (although, once winter ends, I'll be able to return to my healthier habits and lose weight again!) I've also got a pretty clear sense of what I want to do with my life going forward, whereas while I was with my ex, I was very conflicted about my opportunities because we were always unable to work out a life path for us together.
  12. So close to my birthday. Will this be the first time since 2009 where you weren't a part of my birthday? I do hope I hear from you, I really do. I'm afraid of being hurt and of what comes if we speak again, though.. I hope you're doing well.
  13. This person's post hit the nail on the head, and this exert itself is a golden nugget. It's important to not confuse the short-term, drug-like sensation of a dopamine rush that comes from a fresh relationship, a honeymoon phase, temptations, or other things like that with the actual value in a mature love and relationship. Life will not always be thrilling, and depending on the circumstances, life might not always be all that fun, but the point of a long term relationship is to transcend these short-term feelings. Ultimately, what you will have to do is what you think you will have to do, but it's very important to understand before you make any life-altering decisions both the nature of mature love, and the effective guarantee that choosing to remove this person from your life romantically will push him away from you entirely (friendship won't exist, it almost never does, and it's extremely unhealthy to believe or hold out any hope that it might) and into the arms of someone else.
  14. For myself, I'm currently in a third phase, with each phase being better than the last. During the first two phases, I was receiving regular therapy, though I had to stop after I entered the third phase because of lack of insurance. The first phase, I was in absolute and total agony, and this lasted for about 3 months. During this phase, I spent about 3 hours a day crying, maintained contact with her (and thus kept getting hurt by contact with her, especially when the suspicions that the "it might be someone else" turned into "it was someone else"), and completely tore myself down (and rebuilt myself in the process), blaming myself for everything and hating everything about how I had been (which.. was unfair to me, as it was a result of PTSD and ongoing severe domestic abuse/violence I'd been experiencing from family issues). The second phase lasted about 5-6 months, I was not hurting as much and I was enjoying things again, but I was so jaded. I was very upset/mad about everything, and as my environment got worse for me, I became both self-destructive and unable to continue a lot of things. I avoided contact with her, but I did not block her, and she was regularly sending me bread crumbs that continued to hurt me deeply and set me back. I was still rebuilding myself in a lot of ways, but I was reaching comfort with who I knew I really was. I've been in the third phase now for about 6-7 months now, and I *think* I might be done with it in the next few months, but I don't know and it's best to always be cautious with your own feelings. It started shortly after the familial issues finally ended (they'd been going on for 8 years, with the last 4 years having been exceptionally bad) and I decided to block my ex. I've been focused on "taking a break" from all the stresses in life and just being myself, and while now I have to end that because of some needs, it's overall been very helpful. I still miss my ex, I still have a belief and some hope that we could work things out. I also reached out to contact her twice, but both times it was something I took weeks to decide on and it was to let her know about things that I'd felt she should know, and while those contacts did set me back a bit, I don't regret making them and I feel it was the right decision. Right now I am focused on achieving some of my goals. Maybe I'll be ready to date again when I'm in my 4th phase, when I think I'll feel happy with myself and my situation, and not really have much feelings left for the late relationship.
  15. I really hope we can have a conversation again, sometime soon. I feel like we can be friends again, although admittedly I have these unresolved questions about what you do or could mean to me.
  16. About 15 months after my breakup, I would say there have been no actual benefits to my breakup. I've seen a lot of things improve in myself and in my life, but those all had to do with outside forces or were things that would have happened regardless of my relationship status. I'm still dealing with a lot of the consequences of the breakup, though, but perhaps not for much longer. I'm pretty sure I will always look back on this (and my late relationship) with sadness and disappointment, but that doesn't mean I won't carry on.
  17. Dear **, So, I found out that he boyfriend-busted somebody else, some girl he had been abusing/manipulating for years. I found out that her reasons for breaking up with someone were basically identical to what you were telling me for your reason. All those made-up incompatibilities, the lies about who I am/was and everything.. **, he lied to you. :/ You should have just talked to me about everything. What a waste. I want this drama past me.
  18. I'm sorry, but you can't know that for sure. You have to totally let go of your past perception of your ex, because whoever you were dating was not someone who would break up with you. With that said, it's also not a healthy thing to think about. The only real battle is letting go of the past, letting go of the ex. That includes letting go of the kind of trust that belongs to people who are in relationships, not to people who have broken up. Putting that kind of weight on an ex is unhealthy given the nature of what an ex actually means in a person's life.
  19. And so I've found out that you definitely were manipulated and lied to this entire time, though the extent to which is something I can't know.. That is the worst possible news I could have heard. I knew it was possible...but I'm so disappointed. Nothing made sense, but your actions still remain your own, and now I lead a different life. I just want to vomit.. we never had to end..
  20. As others have pointed out, it does not matter whether an explanation is seen as a "real reason" or as an "excuse". Perhaps it's different if they lie to you about why they're breaking, but in the end, however valid the dumper feels a reason to breakup is is all the validity that's needed for it to be "real". It could certainly seem like, or even be, the "wrong decision", but that doesn't matter -- we have to accept other peoples' decisions, regardless of what they are. All you can do is keep your head up and keep moving forwards, focusing on more of the things you like.
  21. For me, the hardest part of my breakup was the loss of that special relationship with someone who I viewed as special. Things like, "I will never be able to sing for her again", or "I will never be able to make her laugh/happy again", or "she will never support me in something again" were the hardest thoughts and things for me to accept after my breakup. The absolute most painful thing was thinking about never having a specific experience with her again, which was my favorite: I loved finding her walking around in the dark around a house, just being able to hug her, knowing that even in the "uncertainty" of the dark, she was who she was, which was someone I truly loved. All parts of my breakup were utterly agonizing, but of the ones you listed, the one that hurt me the least was finding out she was dating someone else. It was still an excruciating feeling, as it doubled down on the reality of the breakup, but I did think, otherwise, "good for her, she can be happy".
  22. I think the OP ordered things pretty poorly, so that contributes to confusion, but to mostly put his quotes in what I think is the easiest-to-interpret order *A break is effectively a break-up And then finally, I do think this contributes to it, as I think it showcases her desire to get something from someone else that was probably present before, especially given her language and thoughts involving cheating from around the time. My honest take on the full story it is this: -She was sincere about the relationship, but had some doubts or issues with the dynamic which she either didn't communicate properly, or which the OP didn't properly listen to. These are things the OP should think about to probably grow as a person and improve future relationships -She may have been sincere about the reasons for not wanting him to come with, but I think she just didn't want him to come with because she was having doubts. -Now in this party environment where she was supposed to be with and planning to be with someone she felt was special to her, but eventually chose to go alone to because of last minute doubts of that relationship, she felt pretty emotionally vulnerable/unfulfilled. -She "clicked" with some guy at the party and had some fling, most likely at least emotional but potentially physical, whatever the heck those "bad decisions" were supposed to be. It was clearly an enjoyable experience for her as she reminisced on the weekend and the event in a positive way, and it was clearly something she should not have been doing given the 180 in her behavior and her telling herself she wasn't a "hypocrite". Whether it was emotional or physical, I still think she cheated in some way at this time. I think it was probably an emotional, flirtatious fling with some guy that she eventually said "no" to sex (bad decisions) with. I would consider this being unfaithful, emotional cheating. I wouldn't say something is only cheating once it finally ends with sex or something. -She came back, no longer having emotional fulfillment from this fling, and wanted to get it back from her boyfriend, so she really wanted to be affectionate with him. Sadly, whatever actions she had on the weekend trip exacerbated her own doubts and made her more-or-less tear apart the emotional value/reward she got in the relationship, which likely included both feelings of guilt and feelings as if her boyfriend may not be "right for her" given that she was able to be interested in someone else. -She asks for a break, starts messaging people on FB. This could have been the fling guy, could have been friends/exes for emotional support for whatever emotions she was processing, could have been a lot of things. If it was the weekend guy, then she was continuing this emotional fulfillment from someone else, and depending on the terms of the break or the values of the relationship (neither of which seem to have been clearly defined), that could be "cheating" as well. If someone uses a "break" as free reign to be more physically and/or emotionally promiscuous, then that could be "cheating" if it's truly just meant to be a break and that was understood/expected to not be part of the "game plan". -She kept telling him, or rather telling herself, that she wasn't a hypocrite [for the cheating comments/mindset] because of up to 3 things: 1: She was not in a relationship with him "during the break", 2: Whatever she did during that "weekend" (and potentially preceding it) wasn't as bad as "whatever actual cheating is" for whatever reason (maybe didn't sleep with him? Maybe it was because she felt vulnerable and thinks that justifies being unfaithful?), and/or 3: Whatever she did during that weekend couldn't be something she was held accountable for, for whatever reason. -Months later, she tries to validate herself and her decisions by going deep (deeper than her last relationship) into a relationship with someone else. That doesn't indicate cheating per se, but I think it probably indicates a person feeling an intense need for validation in their decision. -Months after that, she convinces herself and/or doubles down on what could otherwise be legit reasons to break up with some, or "stay broken up" with someone. It's fully possible that her reasons of justification are more derived from post-break[up] behaviors, as the OP suggests, but only OP can introspect on that to know.
  23. From reading your post, I am almost completely confident that she did cheat on you. The relationship you two had was a bit too short to know if it was a good relationship or if you had truly gotten past the honeymoon phase, and it sounds like she's trying to defend herself, from herself. Closure will have to come from within. Be happy this person is no longer your partner. You deserve a partner who will not cheat, and if she was unhappy in some ways (be those ways life or the relationship with you), then you deserve a partner who doesn't try to seek solutions to her problems through a relationship or a partner who communicates with you and tries to build a conscious, mutually-rewarding relationship with you. Work on changing your life and building things (non-romantic relationships with people, or fulfilling structures of other forms) to help divert your emotional investment into things that are part of your future and that are rewarding, not harmful things from your past. If there is a potential problem with being too smothering or etc, then doing these things would help you with that as well, but I would avoid internalizing too much of what happened to you with all this. In the end, being cheated on (or, in the very least, having someone be dishonest to you through omission and not respecting you enough to give you clarity) is not going to be your fault.
  24. Doing quite well. Almost no thoughts about my ex in the last week, as I came to this site and let some of my pent-up thoughts out. I am continuing to look forward to my near future and current goals, and that is what I actually care about now.
  25. She's keeping you on a string for selfish and immature reasons. You are not her puppet to emotionally or romantically control while she does whatever it is that makes her think she "needs time to see if it's right, but 'probably won't be so she'll come back'", and you are not her child-like security blanket to throw on the ground when not-needed but to pick-up when feeling alone. Walk away. It's not worth it. If she was unsure and wanted to try again with you to find out, then she would do that. If she's unsure but not wanting to get with you, it's because she's trying something else out (be that another person or some weird single life) and wants it to be over with you. I'd be disgusted with her. Your emotions and your personal progression in life are more important than she wants them to be for her own gain.
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