11moreweeks

Wow. Coming back here for a message after having a fling of a couple months blow up, naturally triggering thoughts of whether or not I want to contact you again...I'm able to look back at my last message almost 5 months ago and realize how much things keep changing. Cleaning the holes in my heart, and now actually healing them, has been amazing. I'm in the process of identifying new holes in my heart to clean up, maybe holes which you already saw and which I could not in that previously described snowy glare of light that you shined on me -- and which may have equally been hidden in the shadowy darkness that emanated from within the holes. And so the path and job continues...I once again can only hope that your own path is going as well as it can.

Three and a half years. A lot has changed. Of the many holes in my heart, the one left by you is probably the cleanest now. I still feel the presence of the hole, and I've begun to accept that I always will. My time with you showered me with light, from both inside and outside of my body, and while the light would sometimes shine through the holes in my heart, it still did more than I think you will ever know in illuminating me -- I hope you recognize your strength in that context. There was of course the downside that the light would produce such a strong, snowy glare that the holes were hidden in blinding light. I'm in the process of cleaning the other holes in my heart which arose from two lineages of intergenerational traumas, and while it's extraordinarily painful, I know that I still have to do this. This will be what is best for myself, my family, my friends, and my communities. There exist new tunnels in my world shining lights towards me, though for now, many of them shine right through the holes in my heart. I will continue working on this, and I will continue to heal...from everything. As for you, all I can do is wish the modern you general well-being from across the many boundaries of space and time. No one deserves to suffer in this life, but suffering begets suffering, and I hope that whatever holes may exist in your heart do not remove the light from you and your social network.

I always wonder if you're trying to get in contact with me whenever you're around the corners. If you are, then just e-mail me or something. You only have a few months left before my life changes in such permanent ways and I sever what little ties you can even access me with. Speak now or forever hold your peace.

It was nice talking to you today. I'm pretty afraid, though. I don't know what I want. Do you?

So close to my birthday. Will this be the first time since 2009 where you weren't a part of my birthday? I do hope I hear from you, I really do. I'm afraid of being hurt and of what comes if we speak again, though.. I hope you're doing well.

I really hope we can have a conversation again, sometime soon. I feel like we can be friends again, although admittedly I have these unresolved questions about what you do or could mean to me.

Dear **, So, I found out that he boyfriend-busted somebody else, some girl he had been abusing/manipulating for years. I found out that her reasons for breaking up with someone were basically identical to what you were telling me for your reason. All those made-up incompatibilities, the lies about who I am/was and everything.. **, he lied to you. :/ You should have just talked to me about everything. What a waste. I want this drama past me.

And so I've found out that you definitely were manipulated and lied to this entire time, though the extent to which is something I can't know.. That is the worst possible news I could have heard. I knew it was possible...but I'm so disappointed. Nothing made sense, but your actions still remain your own, and now I lead a different life. I just want to vomit.. we never had to end..

I want to so badly to break no contact just so that I can tell you that you are beautiful. And so I will say it here. **, you are beautiful.

Hey. I wanted to check up on you. You've been in my thoughts a lot, and I hope you're doing well. But...in truth, I really miss you. I don't really remember what you look like, but I know you're still beautiful. I don't really know what you've been up to, but I know you're still so smart and so creative. I don't really know who you are anymore, but I know you're still perfect just as you are. Just stay safe. I truly hope you're happy.

It will always be your job, not just to make contact, but to even have a conversation, to do anything with each other, or to even get me to close down the walls I built around my heart that appear only in response to you. You were the dumper. You defined the end of everything. You chose the situation, and if you wanted any remotely different situation, even having things not be on "bad terms", then you would have to choose and work towards that. I don't know if I will keep you blocked on my phone still.. but even so, that is the only place you are blocked. I only blocked you because you were choosing to hurt me with these selfish, nuisance texts of no value.. I still have such a strong desire to bring you joy, but you made it blatantly clear that you don't want me to do that. If you felt or wanted anything different, you would communicate that clearly. It's so frustrating, though. In the end, I was right about everything on my end. My mental health and the causes of it, my home situation and where it was headed. And in the end, all the work I was putting towards getting through this worked. In the same way, all the work I was putting in towards our late relationship and towards your well-being was going to come to fruition as well. I wish you had just put the amount of trust and faith in me as I put in you, but I guess you never really deserved it.

I don't know if I should unblock you... :(

Getting that dumb thought that I should unblock you. After all, it would have been our anniversary soon, and the day I would have wanted to talk to you about maybe getting married. But... if you had something you wanted to say, then you'd say it, and I am in no position to say anything, because you chose to leave me and you chose to date someone else. Just know that I'm thinking about you.

Happy birthday. I have two things I wish I could tell you. 1: I do still feel sorry for forgetting your birthday multiple times. I hope you can understand that it had nothing to do with you nor how I felt about you, but simply how birthdays always are for me. I've forgotten my own birthday perhaps more times than I have remembered. You deserve to feel special on your birthday -- everyone does on their birthday. 2: I'd wanted to make this birthday a really special one for you. After so many years of things being hard for us (and consequentially, you), of having to deal with life on your birthday, and and so on... I'd been intending for years to get you the dog you always wanted. Stay safe; stay well; stay happy; stay you.

You were wrong. You had your chance. You blew it. You are blocked. Goodbye.

You chose to break up.. what did you think was going to end up happening? Now I'm getting threats of prosecution again, I'm watching the people around me as they're dying, and I'm about to be homeless. Is this what you wanted, beautiful girl...? I still miss the lines on your face..

Alright. You won. You got my attention. You texted me, and I responded. It had no meaning. Now, what do you want from me? Why do you keep reaching out to me? The ball is still in your court. I'm done playing in a few days. Either cut to the chase and be open to the person who never lied to you in 8 years and who told you everything you could remotely care to know, or leave me alone for the rest of our lives.

I feel like I have something to say to you, but I don't know what exactly. I keep writing and rewriting different things. It's your move; the ball is in your court. I'm not doing anything regarding you anymore without a reason to. I'm just going to move to Washington, start working and traveling, and go on with my life. I should have flirted back with her more, maybe if just to see if she wanted a relationship or something else. I guess that's just what comes with the level of commitment, patience, and sacrifice I had for you. Somewhat waiting is no longer the right decision. I truly loved you -- I guess I still do. But that doesn't mean I have to be devoted to you at this point.

Everything else in my life still hurts. So much bad stuff is still happening. I've noticed that when more bad things happen, I think about you more and I feel things for you more. But at the same time, I know for certain that I absolutely loved you, and I still do. Yes, there was emotional dependency, but that is something that comes with loving someone. I turned to you in my pretty much chronic time-of-need because I loved you, because I trusted you, and because I wanted us to have the strongest relationship possible. Through sickness and in health.. a shoulder to lean on.. a shoulder to cry on. The idea of reconciliation remains stuck in my head.. how could it not be? I truly loved you, I liked everything about you, the breakup seemed to make no sense, everything that made the relationship have problems doesn't have to exist and was about to finally stop existing. However, thoughts of me not even enjoying reconciliation.. of not forgiving you.. these thoughts taint it. It's been a bad night.. and I feel so extremely tempted to contact you right now. I need someone so badly tonight, and I wish so badly that the someone would be you, because you're you.. you're unlike anyone else to me. I will not contact you because you are dating someone else.. you went for someone else. You wanted out of the relationship -- you wanted out from me. I'm respecting that I will never get in the way of you finding your happiness if you do not want to find your happiness with me. But, oh.. if you reach out to me again, I will finally talk to you again. I don't care if it sets me back.. I don't care if I risk getting hurt. I miss you. I loved you. I want to try again with you.. absolutely.. And I promise, and I know for certain, that if we tried again, we could put everything that has happened behind us.. I could forgive you for everything and I could ensure that I never contribute to a relationship deteriorating ever again. I could do everything to show you that you are important and deserve to feel special, and do everything to make you happy. If you gave us one last chance, and were there for me in this time of need.. one last chance for our story, that it would prove to me that you care.. No coldness from me. I'm intending to move to Washington later this year if I can manage it.. I'm going to do everything I can to reach that goal. You always wanted to go there.. It would be amazing if somehow we managed to go there together. I'm so sorry that you ever had to hurt in the relationship, and that I ever hurt you.. I truly hope things are manageable for you.. If you have any doubts.. if you have any thoughts.. any maybes.. just reach out. I won't hurt you..

It still hurts, but I honestly think I'm starting to not care about you, the situation, what happened between us, or any of that. Hope you are doing well.

:( (10characters)

If you were trying to talk to me, then that window of opportunity is closing. By the time I move to the Pacific Northwest, or somewhere else for graduate school, I will have truly put you in the past.

Exactly -- if there's no reconciliation, then the stuff just hurts. Honestly, the stuff might hurt even with reconciliation just because breakup pain will linger. As for texting for an hour after, I don't think that's a good idea. One of the benefits of a serious relationship is the friendship -- the person to text a lot, to laugh and joke like old times. If you are providing him that, then it is validating his decision to breakup -- it means that breaking up only gets rid of the aspects of the relationship that he disliked. I did this with my ex, though she was lying to me about why she broke up to begin with. The only end result was that she used it as validation for the breakup and as a means to be comfortable while she started a new relationship with someone else. She seemed to panic when I ended the friendship, but I think that might only be because she was getting "the best of both worlds" -- she was spending almost all her time with me while just starting a relationship with someone else. Breakups should be treated like deaths.

Bring the things he has when you meet up anyways. It will help both of you process the emotions in the breakup and understand exactly what it means to breakup, move on, or reconcile. Holding onto his stuff, especially given that he said you shouldn't bring him his stuff, will only keep you dangling on a string while he does whatever he wants to. If he doesn't accept them, give them to his family or throw them out. 2 days of no contact is fine. Aim for 4 next! Just don't hold onto the stuff. Wishing you well. Because he didn't give you a strong and clear ending, you should create one on his behalf. Giving his stuff back won't put you in any remotely negatively light or position as well. You are not a locker -- you are a person to be respected.

I guess that really is it, huh.. approaching seven months since you broke up with me, after 8 years together and just before such huge, amazing, and happy changes for both of us. Seven months, and while you last reached out to me only a couple weeks ago.. It's clear that you don't want to rebuild anything with me or ever bring back any of the things we shared. No real cause for the breakup, nothing happened, issues we'd had were getting resolved.. it was just that you got the hots for someone else. And now it seems like you've forced yourself to live with your decision -- lied to yourself about who I am and even what my hobbies are, lied to yourself about your own feelings.. done everything you can to live with your decision. I guess that's it. I was nothing to you this whole time. You were everything to me this whole time. That's fine. I will find a new person to give everything to. Someone to cook with, make music with, explore things with, watch silly videos with. And this time, life will be good for me and I will be able to give them everything I was preparing to give to you. I hope you find someone who will love you as I did. I hope I find someone who will love me as you didn't.