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  1. Three and a half years. A lot has changed. Of the many holes in my heart, the one left by you is probably the cleanest now. I still feel the presence of the hole, and I've begun to accept that I always will. My time with you showered me with light, from both inside and outside of my body, and while the light would sometimes shine through the holes in my heart, it still did more than I think you will ever know in illuminating me -- I hope you recognize your strength in that context. There was of course the downside that the light would produce such a strong, snowy glare that the holes were hidden in blinding light. I'm in the process of cleaning the other holes in my heart which arose from two lineages of intergenerational traumas, and while it's extraordinarily painful, I know that I still have to do this. This will be what is best for myself, my family, my friends, and my communities. There exist new tunnels in my world shining lights towards me, though for now, many of them shine right through the holes in my heart. I will continue working on this, and I will continue to heal...from everything. As for you, all I can do is wish the modern you general well-being from across the many boundaries of space and time. No one deserves to suffer in this life, but suffering begets suffering, and I hope that whatever holes may exist in your heart do not remove the light from you and your social network.
  2. I always wonder if you're trying to get in contact with me whenever you're around the corners. If you are, then just e-mail me or something. You only have a few months left before my life changes in such permanent ways and I sever what little ties you can even access me with. Speak now or forever hold your peace.
  3. It was nice talking to you today. I'm pretty afraid, though. I don't know what I want. Do you?
  4. @RayRay63: maybe I will do that, but we'll see how it goes. I don't really have many feelings left about how it all went down, and I'm not thinking about the relationship much, but that's usually when these things sneak up on you. @Catfeeder: thanks! Yeah, I likely will seek therapy again during graduate school, though I did get a real effective period of therapy for 9 months after my breakup. More healthcare is always good in my book. I feel rather confident that the relationship-focused issues have been resolved for quite a while (over a year), it's just seemed more like the regular motions of healing from a nasty breakup. I actually think I ditched the personal issues that let me tolerate the relationship long before I got rid of most of the emotional hold, thanks in part to therapy and a wonderful network of friends.
  5. It's been about a year and a half since my breakup, and although I keep doing better and better, I am still healing from it. I've found myself ruminating and being nostalgic a little this last week or two, so I figured it would benefit me to make a thread to remind myself of where I came from and where I'm going. To begin with, the relationship had some serious issues and she was not good to me. No matter if I miss her at times, I need to remember how the relationship was hurting me and how it ended. With anecdotes like an instance of cheating early on while I lost my relationship with my father, being apathetic to what was likely a heart attack for me at age 22, or being willing to hold my PTSD triggers against me that stemmed from surviving a murder attempt.. She was not kind or caring for me. Likewise, there were chronic issues in the relationship, like an unwillingness to communicate, a refusal to work towards improving or progressing the relationship, apathy towards me being in a serious situation of domestic violence/abuse from family, and even a tendency to guilt trip me to stay in that situation...she was not treating me with the decency and care that anyone deserves in a relationship. The ending of the relationship was quite horrendous, characterized by her choosing to cheat because I'd become depressed after a close childhood friend of mine was murdered, followed by months of being manipulated and lied to by her to take advantage of me while she was dating someone new. All the compounded factors eventually worsened my life situation with my mother/abuser getting much sicker, to the point where I had to survive a second possible murder attempt by her, and with me both not graduating from university on time and having to quit my job from it all. Clearly, the relationship wasn't worth it, even if it felt like my salvation. However, that's in the past. I've since had all home issues solved permanently, have moved past all the mental health issues I used to face, have finished my university coursework for my bachelor's (and am now starting to get work done towards getting into a master's program), and have had very significant improvements for myself. Finally, and most importantly, I've regained respect for myself that I'd previously lost and I know exactly what I want in my life at this time (and how to achieve it). I have a solid plan that will get me where I want to be and that is attainable, and I have the things in my life under control. I felt the need to post this just to remind myself of these things. I deserve better, and better is where I keep ending up thanks to the work I am putting in.
  6. Yeah, it's probably not a clear case of her pulling away and him wanting something more fruitful. With that said, it is also possible that this guy only agreed that they "both" weren't ready as a means to be agreeable to someone he wanted to be with, which could be dishonest on his part regarding his own feelings. It's worth it enough for the OP to think about the possibility that she was stringing someone along and potentially grow from that behavior. Either way, though, there was no relationship here, and regardless of which part[ies] were "pulling away", the dynamic has been effectively pulled away from, so there's really not much to do other than to move forward alone and form a better dynamic with the next person.
  7. Nah, let it go. She's choosing to be immature with the financial situation in the first place, perhaps not letting go of the past to move forward. This is her battle to face. Focus on yourself. She is not your girlfriend. Her financial well-being, emotions/baggage (even if caused by you), and any of that other stuff is not your problem. If she wants to have a serious conversation or solution with you, then she should have to contact you about it in the future. Her financial decisions with you at the moment, in my opinion, offers enough evidence to think she'll continue to screw you over. Keep some money on hand to make sure that, if she does try to financially clean things up with you, then you can do that when she wants to, but don't make it your responsibility if she's shown that she won't play game when you try to make it right in the first place. If the phone she had helped you get is now a brick because it's "lost or stolen", maybe that can be something she gets in lieu of some of the money when she does reach out. It's of no value to you, but should be to her, given her choice.
  8. I'm looking to get into getting my master's in hydrology or a related field. I've had desire to date again and I've been a little unhappy being single, and that's why I'm choosing to still not date. I did get some interest from women after my initial weight loss, but I'd rather be fully healed before I risk my or anyone else's feelings getting messed up. Good luck with your therapy! I found it pretty comfortable myself, as if I was in control of my own healing while getting some professional guidance.
  9. Thanks! Most of it took years of effort, the progress of which I couldn't express due to continuing home issues (I felt like I had to wait until I managed to leave my home until it was all able to be shown). The breakup acted as a catalyst to bring my improvements out of me, then all my home issues being fixed last Summer acted as a kind of cement for it all. I did receive therapy from November through August of last year, which did noticeably help me in reaching me mental/emotional goals, which included a lot of cognitive-behavioral therapy. I'm currently intending to make some graduate school applications in the next 4 months or so, and if those don't come to fruition, I'm planning to save up and move from the Midwest to the Pacific Northwest for a better climate and more opportunities in my field. Nothing set in stone yet, though, so it's still a process of looking. So long as I continue to focus on myself and in improving things that I know I can control in my life, things should fall into place for me, and once they do, perhaps I can date again. I think that's usually the best approach those of us healing from a breakup can take.
  10. I totally managed to get past PTSD and a long-term condition of depersonalization, recovering the personality I used to have before facing a lot of traumas in my life during the course of the relationship. I've greatly improved many of my other interpersonal skills as well, and I've massively improved my emotional and mental self-management. I've greatly increased my self-esteem and senses of self-worth and self-respect, and feel much more confident in my ability to form, build, and maintain healthy relationships in the future. I developed some new routines, habits, and interests that have been better for my health, and while I had lost a bunch of weight after my breakup, I've since regained about as much as I'd lost due to experiencing some traumas (although, once winter ends, I'll be able to return to my healthier habits and lose weight again!) I've also got a pretty clear sense of what I want to do with my life going forward, whereas while I was with my ex, I was very conflicted about my opportunities because we were always unable to work out a life path for us together.
  11. So close to my birthday. Will this be the first time since 2009 where you weren't a part of my birthday? I do hope I hear from you, I really do. I'm afraid of being hurt and of what comes if we speak again, though.. I hope you're doing well.
  12. This person's post hit the nail on the head, and this exert itself is a golden nugget. It's important to not confuse the short-term, drug-like sensation of a dopamine rush that comes from a fresh relationship, a honeymoon phase, temptations, or other things like that with the actual value in a mature love and relationship. Life will not always be thrilling, and depending on the circumstances, life might not always be all that fun, but the point of a long term relationship is to transcend these short-term feelings. Ultimately, what you will have to do is what you think you will have to do, but it's very important to understand before you make any life-altering decisions both the nature of mature love, and the effective guarantee that choosing to remove this person from your life romantically will push him away from you entirely (friendship won't exist, it almost never does, and it's extremely unhealthy to believe or hold out any hope that it might) and into the arms of someone else.
  13. For myself, I'm currently in a third phase, with each phase being better than the last. During the first two phases, I was receiving regular therapy, though I had to stop after I entered the third phase because of lack of insurance. The first phase, I was in absolute and total agony, and this lasted for about 3 months. During this phase, I spent about 3 hours a day crying, maintained contact with her (and thus kept getting hurt by contact with her, especially when the suspicions that the "it might be someone else" turned into "it was someone else"), and completely tore myself down (and rebuilt myself in the process), blaming myself for everything and hating everything about how I had been (which.. was unfair to me, as it was a result of PTSD and ongoing severe domestic abuse/violence I'd been experiencing from family issues). The second phase lasted about 5-6 months, I was not hurting as much and I was enjoying things again, but I was so jaded. I was very upset/mad about everything, and as my environment got worse for me, I became both self-destructive and unable to continue a lot of things. I avoided contact with her, but I did not block her, and she was regularly sending me bread crumbs that continued to hurt me deeply and set me back. I was still rebuilding myself in a lot of ways, but I was reaching comfort with who I knew I really was. I've been in the third phase now for about 6-7 months now, and I *think* I might be done with it in the next few months, but I don't know and it's best to always be cautious with your own feelings. It started shortly after the familial issues finally ended (they'd been going on for 8 years, with the last 4 years having been exceptionally bad) and I decided to block my ex. I've been focused on "taking a break" from all the stresses in life and just being myself, and while now I have to end that because of some needs, it's overall been very helpful. I still miss my ex, I still have a belief and some hope that we could work things out. I also reached out to contact her twice, but both times it was something I took weeks to decide on and it was to let her know about things that I'd felt she should know, and while those contacts did set me back a bit, I don't regret making them and I feel it was the right decision. Right now I am focused on achieving some of my goals. Maybe I'll be ready to date again when I'm in my 4th phase, when I think I'll feel happy with myself and my situation, and not really have much feelings left for the late relationship.
  14. I really hope we can have a conversation again, sometime soon. I feel like we can be friends again, although admittedly I have these unresolved questions about what you do or could mean to me.
  15. About 15 months after my breakup, I would say there have been no actual benefits to my breakup. I've seen a lot of things improve in myself and in my life, but those all had to do with outside forces or were things that would have happened regardless of my relationship status. I'm still dealing with a lot of the consequences of the breakup, though, but perhaps not for much longer. I'm pretty sure I will always look back on this (and my late relationship) with sadness and disappointment, but that doesn't mean I won't carry on.
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