11moreweeks

I got a text from my ex last night. Reading texts is a form of contact, so I figure I'd post here instead. I have not read it. I have not opened the text. The preview of the text says, "Hey sorry if this bothers you, but". Not a great start to a message. I think I'll have a friend open the text, evaluate whether or not it's even valuable for me to see it, and if not, delete it. I'm way, way too in-love with this girl and way too hurt from the breakup to make reading that text a good idea. I really, really value what she has to say...but this is just dangerous for me. I can't be subjected to more pain, especially if my mother may be coming back home soon and being in pain puts me at risk for being assaulted or killed.. :/

I never lied to you. After all our 8 years together, I never lied to you. I was always completely open and honest with you. Everything I said after the breakup was true. That I always cared but didn't know how to get better as long as I lived in my broken home.. That I truly loved everything about you, even the amazingly artistic side of you that I tried to warn you wouldn't make good money if focused on too much and if life hurt us... That I always wanted to give you everything I felt you deserved and was planning so much for as soon as I'd finally graduate and be able to move out.. Everything about depersonalization and my overcoming it.. everything about how all the issues would have been revealed as fixed if we'd just reconciled.. I always cared so much.. I always wanted to do anything I could for you.. it was so hard to understand your emotions because it was hard to get you to talk about things.. and when you did, it would be hard for me to control my fear of losing you over basically nothing because I was just so used to every relationship in my life falling apart and everything going wrong.. I had to spend every night feeling like I may get killed, so it was so hard to be emotionally sound in times of conflict.. But I fixed it.. I really did.. I was always going to.. everything was about to finally get better for both of us.. all the painful parts of the relationship were about to finally end.. When we were still in contact, it seemed like, at times, you were trying to force yourself to move on.. as if you had to stick to the breakup decision when your heart may have been pulling you towards me in some ways.. you didn't have to move on.. Oh, my love.. peanut butterfly.. the big white gobbler.. us is really gone.. the snowy family.. the bear family.. it's really over.. Life is so cruel.. I want so badly to sing for you again.. to sing with you again..

Yes, I have definitely noticed that to be the trend. The situation seems to reverse pretty often. I know I will take a couple years to recover from my breakup (it was an 8 year relationship and I was planning to propose marriage), so I consider it option coverage to focus solely on myself and not date anyone for a couple years. I also might go to graduate school in a different country, so serious relationships would not work for a couple years anyways. Maybe my ex shows she's better than graduate school, maybe she doesn't, and maybe she doesn't even try or contact me again. Either way, I have something to look forward to. I'll hold on to a small bit of hope, but I will put some of my hope into other life goals too. Your story reminds me of this: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=393566 Thank you for your well wishes, and I wish you the best as well!

Moving on while staying together is just evil. I think my ex did that to me. Not only did I not expect the breakup for the most part (but I did notice a rough patch for cues I wasn't fully being mindful of), but honestly, our relationship was improving while she was choosing to move on. My hopes for her were going up and my efforts in the relationship were both increasing and paying off while she was directing all her emotional investment into breaking up and dating someone she barely knew. Yeah, while it's hard to judge a situation rationally, it's important to not cling to hope that doesn't make sense or wouldn't be beneficial. I think you did the right by texting her that. Apart from kids or business affairs, there's no real reason to talk to an ex unless for reconciliation (if one has feelings for the other). She holds even more power when she thinks she can have her feelings alone dictate her relationships with other people, including her relationships with exes. It gives you more power than you have otherwise, but yes, the dumper maintains most of the power in the dynamic in the long-run. The power dynamic only really swaps when both parties have a change of heart (dumper wants reconciliation, dumpee does not). When I would communicate with my ex for the first 4-6 weeks after the breakup, I had the perception as well that she "felt so great with all the power"). She eventually started sounding really depressed and lonely for another few weeks, and conversations with mutual friends who she was willing to open up to confirmed my perception of her feelings. When she started dating someone else, it seemed like she was empty, and panicked when I told her we couldn't be friends anymore. When she last texted me (for my birthday after 3-4 weeks of no contact since learning she was dating someone else), she seemed to feel guilty and inadequate. Point here being that peoples' emotions after a breakup are variable and take a long time to process, and many people do it in longer-term stages. Dumpers especially seem to go through different longer-term phases, whereas dumpees tend to have tumultuous emotions throughout the day with lessening severity/investment as time goes on (both may hide from their emotions in things like other relationships, hobbies, productivity, or other things). Man.. this girl.. :( Sucks to still care about her so much and to be so in-tune with her emotions and needs. None of this had to happen. I don't think she even wants what she's moved herself towards, but there's nothing I can do to change anything. It's such a weird position to be in where your ex is a stranger, but you still seem to know and understand them so well.

There's two common explanations for your ex's story. The first is that she moved on while still being with you, in which case, it's not that she moved on in 40 days -- she just had a huge head start. The second is that she's still processing her breakup emotions. A "liberated" stage of grieving works as a defense mechanism while someone reshapes their life after a breakup. Fully processing can take some people years after a long-term relationship ends. In the same vein, you are processing your own emotions too. You may not want her back after 3 months of NC (restarting of course). I don't think it's all that unhealthy to have some hope for reconciliation after a breakup. It spreads out the mourning process so it doesn't overload a person, and of course sometimes reconciliation does happen. Hope for reconciliation after just 40 days, or even just 3 months, though, is probably not very good. 100% true about watching out for texts, though. My ex used talking to me as a means to alleviate some of her loneliness and negative emotions while she got into the initial stages of dating someone she was telling me about while we were still together. Receiving a text from your ex is not a sign that they want to get back together, especially if you are the dumpee. Even really heartfelt communication that shows devotion, appreciation, and other aspects of love (which my ex gave me regularly) are not signs of wanting to get back together. The only communication that truly matters from an ex is, "I want to get back together and I believe the relationship would work for X reasons."

I love you so much and I miss you terribly. I will always remember a kiss under the moonlight.

Wow, what a night. Not the worst night of all, but definitely one of the worst... I guess 10, of the last couple years. Grandmother's got cuts and bruises, mother was throwing things at my grandmother, broken glass and broken dishes are all over the house, she pulled a knife out of the drawer while I was waiting for the cops and recording audio while washing dishes (to be present but non-threatening as possible. I didn't realize this, she was a couple feet from me. I coulda been stabbed.) She answers the door when the cops are there with a knife, starts threatening them, has to get tased. The floor has been burned the taser wire too. I don't understand you, or why you broke up with me. I'm just kinda like, "well, screw me, right?" Things will be okay for me some day. I always wanted to share what I was working towards with you for how much you were there for me. I don't think you deserve it anymore.

Another night of being afraid that I'll get killed. They come way more often now than in the past. I don't know what to tell you and I don't know what to feel. Everything hurts. Everything hurts bad.

I've been missing you a lot this past week. There's so many things I want to share with you. I miss sharing my life with you and taking so much joy in all these random things with you. I just got back a midterm grade -- I got 100%. It was a pretty simple midterm, but it's good that I scored well. I'm maintaining control of my classes this semester and it's only a matter of time until I graduate. 8 more weeks and I will finally be in control of my own well-being. I wish I could be happier with my own success, though -- doing well makes me unhappy. I used to try to do well for you, working as hard as I could for you.. without you, I don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing. My diet and exercise routine is going...okay. I'm having good weeks and non-productive weeks. I've lost 60% of the weight I'd wanted to, and I'm starting to receive compliments for working out again. I wish I could have you hug my arm and say "my muscle" again, but I guess you're doing that with your new boyfriend now. I haven't been going to the gym as consistently as before, as I'm trying to make a transition to staying on campus basically all day just to avoid home stress, but I am still going 2-4 times a week. I've also started going to the campus gym with some friends and I've started playing racquetball. It's super fun and I wish I could play it with you. I hope as the weather warms up that I can bike to campus again -- doing that would help me maintain a good exercise regime. As for diet, I'm forcing myself to be brave enough to actually use the kitchen while my mother's around so I can start being more consistent with it again. When cooking on Monday night, it was both hard to hear and terrifying as she was both mourning the loss of a relationship with me (it's too hard and painful to interact with her now, and honestly, I don't want to) while simultaneously talking about how I need to be gotten rid of somehow; however, those were just things she'd repeat alongside the regular insanity about hating license plates, Elvis Presley, and whatever else the schizophrenia makes her think of. I cooked tonight as well and she kept singing with an imitation of a deep bass voice for men, and while I'm sorry for always feeling anxious when you'd sing, I'm more sorry on behalf of the universe for making things align that way -- I don't think I did anything wrong by hurting and needing time and sanctity to recover. You would have loved what I'd cooked, though -- spicy Mexican-style red and black beans with well-seasoned fajitas-style pork. As for home life, as you can probably tell.. it's been bad. I'm afraid for my life and it's really hard to keep moving forward, but I will push through. I can promise that I'm not going to start a relationship with anyone for a long time -- probably until 2020 or later, so after or during graduate school. I want to be sure that I am not too attached to you to healthily be with someone else -- I absolutely refuse to hurt somebody. I can't promise much else, though. At least it's a confidence boost. Keep working hard. I expect straight A's from you again this semester. Stay safe and healthy, and keep working towards your long-term well-being.

Mi examen de practica fue bien. Obtení el puntaje máximo por el parte cuantitativo. Necesito practicar para obtener un puntaje mejor por el parte verbal, porque mi vocabulario es poco limitado, pero obtení un puntaje bueno por eso parte también. Hoy, mi casa es tan estresante como siempre, pero tengo confianza que puedo obtener puntajes sucientemente buenos para estudiar como graduado en una universidad buena y lejana. Yo sé que te preocupas por mí. Todo estará bien eventualmente. Para nosotros... Si viviéremos en un mundo más justo, estaríamos juntos. Yo no era capaz de darle la comodidad emocional que necesitaba mientras vivía la vida que vivo. Tu nuevo novio probablemente puede hacerlo. Eso está bien porque cualquiera puede amar a alguien. Había querido casarme contigo, pero ahora, no quiero eso. Hubiéramos tenido un matrimonio bueno. Tenemos algunos incompatibilidades pequeños, y nuestro matrimonio tendría algunos problemas, pero habría sido feliz y funcional. Te amo, y es posible que tú también me amas, pero las relaciones necesitan más. Las relaciones necesitan confianza, y no la tengo. Tengo miedo a una vida dificíl, así que trabajo duro. Para tí, no tienes mucho miedo, pero tienes grandes expectativas en la vida. Quieres cosas bonitas y caras, y no quieres trabajar mucho. Habría estado bien con esta dinámica -- me gusta dar cosas para crear felicidad. Pero mi confianza está rota. El precedente ha sido establecido. Tengo demasiado miedo que, si estuviéramos juntos y yo estuviera trabajando demasiado, con amor en mi corazon, tendrías una aventura y me volverías dolor otra vez. Tengo miedo que no tienes tan paciencia, lealtad, ni interés en la comunicación para prevenir eso. No quiero cerrar la puerta, porque todo es posible, pero tengo miedo. Lo siento, Osa Osa. No creo que nuestras últimas despedidas ha pasado. Hablará con la Osa Osa otra vez, pero.. el Oso Oso esta muerto. Lo mataste. La Osa Osa mató el Oso Oso. El Oso Oso difunto amará su Osa Osa hasta siempre. Para mí, el viviendo, te reconozcaré hasta siempre.

I'll be taking a practice version of the GRE test this morning. I was blessed with a full 3.5 hours of sleep with being forcefully woken up every 30 minutes. Part of the reason I loved you so much is because I thought you were caring, understanding, and patient. I thought you cared about my well-being in my living situation, understood what it was doing to me in terms of being a quality partner, and were patient enough to wait until this could finally be over so we could see how things would be without this absurd weight on my shoulders. I was wrong. You are nothing like what I thought you were. I should have never given you so many chances and let my emotional investment in you get so high. You are selfish and thoughtless. You put my life in more danger than it needs to be.

I miss you so much.. I wish we had just communicated better and worked a little harder to maintain the spark, maintain both of our happiness, and keep moving forward. I know I was ready to fight for lifelong happiness, love, and acceptance.. I wish you were as well.. I wish I could sing for you one last time..

It's 3:30 AM, I'm being denied the right to sleep, and I'm scared for my life. Why did you choose to make my home life worse..? Why did you choose to do all of this..? Why did you give up and throw it all away now, when it was just months away from finally being over..? Apart from not being in constant agony, what did this new guy offer you that convinced you after only a month of knowing him that you should put my life in danger to chase after him..? I never did anything wrong.. all I ever did was get hurt.. So why did you choose this.. The consequences of this are that we'll both probably be less happy for the next 5+ years than we would have been, my chance of dying before graduation went up drastically, and we will both spend our lives never knowing what could have happened in just a few months with such massive, nearly-guaranteed and life-uprooting positive changes. Back in April 2015, that month I was coughing up blood, I was also experiencing the heart problems / chest pain already, and I was so sleep deprived and stressed that I was fainting regularly when walking around the house, getting hurt as I'd fall down. I was coughing blood into the sink while clutching my chest, while simultaneously listening to my mother's violent insanity, and being afraid I'd faint again. I was telling myself that I would work as hard as I could to make sure that you would never have to experience anything like what I was experiencing, because I knew how much health issues can scare you.. You were worth all the pain and suffering the world offers. You will most likely never find someone who will love you and care for you as much as I did, because of all you seemed to be supporting me through.. and I don't think I will ever be able to trust, love, or care for somebody else again as much as I did for you. And yet, after the breakup, you wanted to spend almost all your free time with me and seemed to enjoy my company so much, you kept seeking me out.. Why..? If you stopped loving me, then why was I so important to you..? If I made you so happy, then why did you choose to date someone else rather than give me another chance with all the massive changes I brought to the surface? Do you even know your own feelings? Do you know the difference between mature love and the infatuation / oxytocin rush associated with a crush or honeymoon phase relationship? Do you even realize that the rush can come and go depending on other variables, and depending on your own chosen outlooks? You could have done everything so much differently that nothing like this would have happened.. This is the dumbest breakup ever. With every day that passes, you become more independent, and my grudge I've been developing for you grows stronger. You shattered the bond and connection we shared. I just want the shards out of my feet so I can walk away from this miserable position.

I don't want to give up on us, and I don't want to give up on you. I sometimes feel like I am making a mistake by not chasing you and not trying to win your adoration once again. Our relationship was always characterized by me working very hard for you. But it seems like you stopped appreciating that, and I always felt stressed that you didn't work hard for me/us in return, so I am afraid of what I would get myself into. If I put in all the effort to get a chance with you again only for you to not put in work.. would I feel satisfied? Would I think it was worth it? Would I be happy? Would I break your heart in the end? Is all that hard work even worth all the risk involved? I love you dearly. You are so special to me. I want to chase you around, but I am afraid that you will hurt me again, and I am afraid that you have not and will not change or improve.

The reason I don't want to talk to you has to do with you, not me. I don't need space to cope with the loss or etc. In the end, you broke up with me to date someone who wasn't at risk of being murdered each day and thus stressed by it, and by breaking up with me, you actually drastically worsened my situation and increased my chance of being murdered. It's frustrating because it seems you don't know anything about who I even actually am -- you chose to mischaracterize me and misremember me to justify the breakup and chase fleeting crushes that have a 95% chance of failing after the ~1 year honeymoon phase of oxytocin highs. And yes, you still loved me -- the mature, familial love that made you say that you think of me like family. That's literally the end goal of long-term relationships, finding someone with whom you can happily share that kind of connection because the oxytocin high "in love" feelings are something else entirely -- something that requires work in the relationship, and something that comes and goes depending on outside variables (recently married? Bought a new house? Having money problems? Need a second honeymoon?) You'd remember when I'd stopped "loving you" a few years back and couldn't say that I'd loved you, but I tried to figure out why rather than chasing the other girls who'd show interest in me, and what happened was that the oxytocin rush came back to me after I decided my home was the issue and I had a future to look forward to with you. Your future relationships will develop the exact same problem if you choose to not work towards sustaining them or making them move forward as well for so long, or choose against having self-control in the way you interact with others or let them interact with you. And maybe the problems run deeper, in which case it's an even worse communication from your end than I'd imagined and your future relationships will be even harder than I'm expecting. One day you'll have to learn these lessons, I just hope that you don't break any more hearts in the process, and I hope even more that you don't almost kill someone again.

This breakup might actually get me killed, and on top of that, you have chosen to mischaracterize me, misremember me, and seem to have no idea who I really am. The only thing that stopped it from working out between us after such a long struggle was that you actively wanted it not to and started working against it. I don't know what to tell you. I don't want you to be unhappy with yourself if something happens, and I don't want something to happen.