Should I tell him about physical appearance

[JaggerJim]

You will break his heart and soul into a thousand pieces. He may aswell be the elephant man, because that's how he's going to take it.

[itsallgrand]

I've tried to think of this from your perspective, and your friends support of it, but I just can't think of what good could come of criticizing someone's appearance. Ever. And it's a personal rule of mine to not ever say something negative to someone, anyone, about their body. The world is harsh enough, and so many people have sensitivities around their bodies. Why add to that? What can it accomplish? It just hurts feelings and puts guards up, for what ? Even if the person isn't offended, what business is it of mine to do that?

 

It's not only the moles, it's about attitude towards these things in general. There is always something not 'perfect' but why focus on that. What does it matter.

 

Personally I would not be receptive to a comment like that. No matter how tactful a person tries to spin it - it's a critism of your partners/ dates body - that's not cool no matter what.

 

You are free to think and do otherwise. Just be aware you can hurt people with it, push them away, and those who are willing to tolerate it will usually be those who dish it hard back and/ or their self confidence in that area is already ground down. And of course a lot of people will not say it bothers them, and hate to generalize but especially men because of the social conditioning to be 'tough' so many of them receive. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt them or take away from a nice soft spot they could otherwise enjoy with you of feeling truly accepted.

[Sweet Sue]

Thank you. Well said. I will give it a lot of consideration.

[Sweet Sue]

Question: He said to me the other day, "please tell me you don't have any tattoos." I asked him why, and he told me he didn't like to see tattoos on women. So, I ask you....was that tacky? Was it inappropriate? Did he cross a line? Personally, I was not at all offended. Your thoughts?

[mustlovedogs]

Not similar at all to what you're asking in the original post.

 

If you said yes, and it bothered him, he would dump you. Not ask you to get them removed.

[Sweet Sue]

I disagree. I think it is similar. And I don't think he would dump me if I had one, maybe a very small one. If he asked me to remove it at some point in time, I would do it. ..but that's just me. .I am not speaking for anyone else.

[reinventmyself]

Someone who chooses to mark themselves with a tattoo is a choice. It's a significant choice and somewhat suggestivee of a lifestyle.

If he saw a tattoo front and center he may have chosen to pass you by. Therefore he asked.

 

This man was born with moles. It wasn't a choice. It suggests nothing of his life style.

 

You couldn't help but notice them when you decided to take up with him, moles and all. And now after the fact you are navigating an underhanded way to get him to get rid of them.

Sorry, it's insulting and insensitive.

But you'll argue it anyway.

[sara-pezzini]

Of course that's not similar! But you just want to make it so it is. You are not hearing what we are saying at all and you just spin it your way.

Why ask for the advice at all?

I think you are being shallow and so are your friends if they really agree with you.

I think you're still pretty young and i also think you will learn growing older but that won't help this poor guy....

I used to have a friend similar to you, she flat out told me if her husband ever got bald or end up in a wheelchair that she would leave him because he wouldn't be sexy anymore and she told him the same.

Turns out they are still married now and he is bald now, they seem settled and she has matured a lot but i hate to think how her words have affected him in the whole process of losing his hair.

So you'll learn....... and there is also something called karma......

You may say that you were fine when two exes pointed out your teeth but i don't believe you were in the moment....

[mustlovedogs]

OP, why come here and ask a question if you choose to ignore all the advice?

 

IMO, you should just end it and let this poor guy meet someone who isn't as cruel as you.

 

"Sweet Sue".... I love the irony.

[Sweet Sue]

I am NOT ignoring all the advice. Scroll up to read my reply to itsallgrand. Read my response.

With all due respect, you called me "cruel", and I think that is mean and hurtful, after you have

have judged me and you don't even know me!

[faraday]

I find it hard to believe that anyone responding to my question hasn't found something that they would like to change in their partner. Really?? I seriously doubt that anyone of you haven't mentioned to your partner about losing weight or grooming themselves a little better etc..., I think my friend has thicker skin than that.

I think it is all in how your address the issue and given the fact that he has had cancer and having moles removed as a preventative measure (NO, I wouldn't tell him it would help enhance his looks, now THAT would be cruel. Come on guys......cut me some slack.

 

Well...asking a partner to "groom down there" is a bit different than asking them to get expensive, unnecessary surgery.

 

Did you know that getting miles removed is around $200 per mole? And not covered.

 

It's a lot to ask of a person who hasn't even seen you naked yet.

[mustlovedogs]

You are cruel. I can't believe this thread is still going and you're arguing with us.

 

If someone said to me what you want to say to your bf, I would be heartbroken. Crushed. I know I would hear those words echo around in my head for ages - perhaps even my whole life.

 

We've told you this, and it's cruel.

 

If your feelings get hurt from me calling you cruel, imagine how your boyfriend would feel when you effectively call him too unattractive for you as-is.

[RainyCoast]

i also am surprised this is still up and running.

[mfan]

Hi Sweet Sue,

I think some of the responses in this thread have been over the top. I think you should simply ASK your boyfriend if he's ever thought about getting his moles removed. This puts the idea in his head but without you making any remarks to him. Maybe you'll find out he has been thinking about it already. Maybe he'll say yeah, the dermatologist recommended it but he's been lazy about it. Maybe he'll say "The dermatologist said I shouldn't; it might increase the risk of additional skin cancers." Then you can drop it. Or maybe he'll say "I'd love to, I just don't have the money for it." Then you can drop it.

 

Or maybe he'll ask you: "Why, are you saying I'm unattractive?"-- to which you should respond *honestly* and say yes I think "they're" unattractive -- and stress that it's the MOLES that you find unattractive, not him in general; say that he's handsome//tall/good features and these distract from his appearance -- and also point out that in addition to being unattractive it's a risk of skin cancer that has to constantly be worried about.

 

Worst case scenario: He breaks up with you for your rudeness, gets the moles removed, and then dates someone else who benefits from the advice you gave him. It's only been 2 months, you're not too invested yet.

 

I disagree that telling him this will "shatter his self-esteem" and destroy his confidence. It's not like he's a burn victim and you're telling him you hate these burn marks all over his body. Today, having moles and not removing them is often a personal choice, and your first goal is to find out whether it really is by choice that he has them.

[reinventmyself]

Or maybe he'll ask you: "Why, are you saying I'm unattractive?"-- to which you should respond *honestly* and say yes I think "they're" unattractive -- and stress that it's the MOLES that you find unattractive, not him in general; say that he's handsome//tall/good features and these distract from his appearance -- .

 

Just so you know moles are subcutaneous. Meaning they grow just as deep beneath the skin and have roots. To remove moles. ( I know because my son had a couple removed) to trade in a mole for scar. So it's basically 6 of one and half dozen of another.

 

Are you ok with your guy having scars on his face and the likely hood of some of them growing back?

[j.man]

I am NOT ignoring all the advice. Scroll up to read my reply to itsallgrand. Read my response.

With all due respect, you called me "cruel", and I think that is mean and hurtful, after you have

have judged me and you don't even know me!

Pot, meet kettle.

[journeynow]

He has had surgery recently as one was cancerous.

 

The surgery was to remove a mole? Maybe focus there, kiss it, and comment what a great job they did, and share your scars, and go to his doctor to have more of yours removed.

 

I don't know, but I understand you are asking HOW to approach him, not IF you should.

 

Personally, I don't think you need to bring it up, but I also hear that you don't agree, that you feel it is important for you to weigh in with him on it, that it is part of being helpful in a caring relationship. Is that how you see it?

[RainyCoast]

with respect- perhaps the original concern got out of sight during a long string of replies;

 

"i want him to undergo a cosmetic procedure to be more attractive to me" is not "being helpful in a caring relationship".

 

"the way she sees it", as she explained amply, is that the moles are unattractive to her and she wishes to give him a gentle nudge to remove them and do it in such a way as to come off as concerned about his health.

 

i also disagree that it is right to do this only because "she disagrees, and feels it is important to her". it may be important to her to change his appearance, but it isn't a valid justification.

 

i do think perhaps people underestimate his ego. if someone told me such a thing, i wouldn't feel broken. i would feel like i am dealing with a very "special" person, and might tell them i'll do it when they get a brain transplant.

 

eta: ditto on the scars. sporting an obvious one on my chin, also from a removed mole.

[journeynow]

with respect- perhaps the original concern got out of sight during a long string of replies;

 

"i want him to undergo a cosmetic procedure to be more attractive to me" is not "being helpful in a caring relationship".

 

"the way she sees it", as she explained amply, is that the moles are unattractive to her and she wishes to give him a gentle nudge to remove them and do it in such a way as to come off as concerned about his health.

 

You are right. I reread, and she is trying to improve upon his looks based on what she likes, but not what attracted her in the first place, and is defending the practice of doing so. (Seems like "I like you, but want you to be different. I, on the other hand, do not want others to tell me to be different, especially strangers on a relationship forum who do not know me. Because, what do they know?")

[RainyCoast]

to be clear though, i don't think the fact she finds something unattractive is wrong. nor that it makes her shallow. i just think that having a partner as a project and "molding" them to one's liking, with a saintly act to boot, is the problem.

[journeynow]

to be clear though, i don't think the fact she finds something unattractive is wrong. nor that it makes her shallow. i just think that having a partner as a project and "molding" them to one's liking, with a saintly act to boot, is the problem.

 

Do you suppose we do that here, giving the advice we do to various OPs on their own threads?

[boltnrun]

Do you suppose we do that here, giving the advice we do to various OPs on their own threads?

 

No, because the people who post on here are asking for advice.

 

It's not like her boyfriend asked her "is there anything about my appearance I can change or fix for you? Please let me know and I'll take care of it."

[journeynow]

No, because the people who post on here are asking for advice.

 

True! Sometimes, they are asking for support for their way of thinking. Or they ask for advice for A, and get advice for B (a bigger issue), like here.

[Sweet Sue]

mfan...that is precisely the way I would approach it! Not today, not next week or even in one month. Heck, I have only dated him 2 months and we have not been intimate. Until we decide to pursue a serious relationship, I will not say a word. I know he mentioned going back to the dermatologist in a few months and if he shows me what was done, I thought about asking him if he is worried or concerned that moles can be cancerous and I have watched my dear old dad go through surgery for moles that he had that he never removed and were cancerous and I watch them spray his arms with the liquid nitrogen(I hope that is right) to treat his pre-cancerous conditions.

"an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." I would NEVER say I find them unattractive, that would be cruel and insensitive.....even though most of you think I am and you really don't know me. If he does nothing.....then, I say no more! Now, can we end this thread? Shows over, monkeys dead!!!

[butterfly45]

I agree. Let's close this thread. OP has made her mind up and is merely arguing back rather than seeking advice.