Should I tell him about physical appearance

[RainyCoast]

actually, yes, i get that impression at times.

and then of course there's defensive people- whatever is subject to questioning or critical thinking disturbs them and surely the responder must simply be frustrated themselves.

 

but...that's kind of the point. subjectivity isn't all bad. she won't be returning with this dilemma to an emotionless robot but someone in whom the question will trigger affect. and we gave her examples of that- everyone seems emotional about this, reacting viscerally almost. good. she knows what to expect, unless she's dating a bot.

 

on public forums, i'd expect personal opinions. lots of inference, lots of insecurities, questions answered through a personal prism. and i think that's a good thing. when asked how this question of mole removal would come off, people spoke with affect. i would be crushed, i would be incredibly hurt was the common response, i would be tempted to be rude and demeaning to point out you are demeaning and rude is my own affective reaction.

he may say nothing, or answer the medical part of it, but if things get weird, he flakes, ghosts or whatever, she'd wonder why. it's easy to plant a bad seed. noone wants to hear "you should change aesthetically for me" i think.

 

i agree- she asked. and i don't think the responses were sanctimonious. i think they are candid about the universal human needs and fears.

 

what i would take from them is that broaching the subject would likely be worse than the moles. for one thing. for the other thing, that i want to hold myself to a certain standard. that means i would not want to coerce people with faked saccharine concern, or treat them as if i own them, or as if they owe me the luxury of being able to change the sight before me like channels on the telly. i think of it from a perspective of a woman, so, not a very universal perspective, but i believe the treatment that isn't acceptable for me to experience isn't for a male either. i said initially we get very angry when males try to influence their partners looks. most of us have experienced it. and found it unacceptable.

 

op said she didn't mind the teeth comment but also said her teeth bothered HER anyway and she just took the comment as a nudge to get done what she was already considering anyway. but there are imperfections that people embrace, or are trying to embrace. more often than not, we choose that over going under the knife. more often than not, we hope our imperfections will be embraced by others. we don't hope to hear "do you plan to have that fixed?" ( "ummm no, i was kinda hoping someone would love me enough to look past that? thanks...for nothing....")

 

we also are not dumb. and can recognize attempts by people to influence our looks in "health concern" packages. need i remind us of the guy who played documentaries about the dangers of sugar and monitored portions and the sweetness of his date's coffee? she wasn't buying it, and we were cyber-lynching him.

 

i would honestly suggest OP abort this mission.

[RainyCoast]

I agree. Let's close this thread. OP has made her mind up and is merely arguing back rather than seeking advice.

 

sorry. i didn't see these until after i posted.

 

 

RIP mole thread.

[j.man]

OP, post a picture of yourself. I'll let you know what aesthetic flaws you could go under the knife to fix so that you can offer that in exchange for him getting rid of some moles. Everyone wins.

[Sweet Sue]

Moderator, please close this thread. This is getting so out of hand and taking it to the level of cyber bullying.

[HeartGoesOn]

Thread closed.