JJ's Diary of Dating

[browneyedgirl36]

Wikipedia:

 

What is the average height of American men and women?

 

Men: 5 ft. 9 ½ in., Women: 5 ft. 4 in., based on 2003-2006 measurements of ages 20+ in the United States.

 

So if the average height of women is 5'4" I am not seeing this as a problem.

Maybe you are giving too much weight to what you are seeing as `preference' on online profiles.?

 

They are only preferences and if I am asked, I will tell you my preference. I prefer to make $250 annually, but I don't and I am perfectly satisfied and happy with what I have. I am not about to change jobs anytime soon either.

 

Funny -- My boyfriend is right around 5' 9.5, and I'm just barely under 5' 4" -- good to know we're totally average!

 

It's true that some people's "preferences" are more like deal-breakers, but...for a LOT of people, "preferences" are just that: I'd PREFER this, but...it's not a must-have.

 

For example: I *prefer* a guy my own age or older, and if I had ever done online dating, my preference would have been stated as such. However, my current boyfriend is nearly 7 years younger than I, and I have no problem with that. I met him, liked him enough that it didn't matter (and hey -- not only is he not super tall, but he also doesn't have money AND is a single father of two kids!), and here we are.

 

I truly believe that the right person doesn't give a crap about money (or lack thereof), hair (or lack thereof), height (or lack thereof), etc. The trick is finding that right person, and frankly I think online dating has actually made that HARDER than it was before online dating. Too many choices, too much, "But, but...what if there's someone BETTER out there?"

 

I'm not sure the problem is shallow women -- or men -- in general, but more that there's a concentration of super-shallow, extremely picky (not selective, but picky in a really unreasonable way) on at least some online dating sites.

 

JohnJohn, I'm wondering if women have actually TOLD you they don't want to date you because of your height? If not, how can you be sure that's the case? Is it because you've messaged women on dating sites who have a stated preference for "tall" men and they've rejected you? Forgive me if you've covered this before. Because, really, you're pretty much average height for an American male, only about an inch shorter than my boyfriend, and honestly, if he were an inch or two shorter, I doubt I'd even notice the difference.

[John John]

Funny -- My boyfriend is right around 5' 9.5, and I'm just barely under 5' 4" -- good to know we're totally average!

 

It's true that some people's "preferences" are more like deal-breakers, but...for a LOT of people, "preferences" are just that: I'd PREFER this, but...it's not a must-have.

 

For example: I *prefer* a guy my own age or older, and if I had ever done online dating, my preference would have been stated as such. However, my current boyfriend is nearly 7 years younger than I, and I have no problem with that. I met him, liked him enough that it didn't matter (and hey -- not only is he not super tall, but he also doesn't have money AND is a single father of two kids!), and here we are.

 

I truly believe that the right person doesn't give a crap about money (or lack thereof), hair (or lack thereof), height (or lack thereof), etc. The trick is finding that right person, and frankly I think online dating has actually made that HARDER than it was before online dating. Too many choices, too much, "But, but...what if there's someone BETTER out there?"

 

I'm not sure the problem is shallow women -- or men -- in general, but more that there's a concentration of super-shallow, extremely picky (not selective, but picky in a really unreasonable way) on at least some online dating sites.

 

JohnJohn, I'm wondering if women have actually TOLD you they don't want to date you because of your height? If not, how can you be sure that's the case? Is it because you've messaged women on dating sites who have a stated preference for "tall" men and they've rejected you? Forgive me if you've covered this before. Because, really, you're pretty much average height for an American male, only about an inch shorter than my boyfriend, and honestly, if he were an inch or two shorter, I doubt I'd even notice the difference.

 

What's up B.E.G!

 

I feel like the height thing in women started around my generation. Like, tall men were always alluring, TDH (tall/dark/handsome) has always been around...but I feel like in my generation it got really bad. My parents tell me that if they knew it'd be this bad, they would have gotten me HGH. I almost got it as a kid, and really wish I did, despite any of the risks. I often believe I'd be happily married by now. Because two things a) I'd have left my ex earlier because I would have felt I had more options and b) More women to choose from. BUT...coulda woulda shoulda. Can't go back in time. So enough on that.

 

To answer your question B.E.G...I have been rejected for my height, and straight up called short a good amount of times in my life. Not as much as my 5'5" and 5'6" buddies...but enough where it was annoying. I always did pretty well with women, but now that I think about it, that was more in real life. Online in the past I think I did better because I was on so many sites. Tinder/Bumble you see all the height requirements "swipe left if x" but whatever. Match.com of course they put their height requirements for you to see them.

 

Online dating has worked for many. faraday, Ms. Darcy, several friends of mine. So I genuinely recognize its value. But...I dunno anymore. I feel like it's really a playground for women and 5'10"+ men only at times. Maybe a few years ago I did better because I was on every site under the sun and didn't really have a goal in mind (not being over my ex, at the time)? I don't know. It's weird.

 

Life is stranger than fiction. I just feel like...since all of my friends are married/coupled up...and don't go out as much...I have a lot less chance to meet someone in real life. Work isn't an option, meetup was not my thing...but gonna try more singles events and even speed dating. That's the only way I can think of to meet women and circumvent height requirement somewhat.

[imsuperman]

How was meetup? I've had that recommended to me from time to time.

[reinventmyself]

I know you don't want to hear from me (again) on this subject, seeing I am the tall girl in the room

(all in good fun, besides you said you were done talking about it)

But I think I could be more of an authority on this matter is some small way. Would I prefer a taller man? - yes.

Again, as stated earlier I'd prefer to double my salary too.

 

I have dated men shorter than myself.

It's about the quality of the man, not his shoe size, seriously. It's a combination of all factors.

 

I would not deny a good man, attractive (to me) that made me laugh and I had a lot in common with due to his height.

(I will be honest, there can't be a huge height difference to my advantage)

But I think the men I have dated that were my height or shorter had a bigger problem with it than I did.

So, hmmmm. Something to think about. But that's my experience.

 

One last thing about the 5"10" on OLD. It's just been my personal experience that 5'10" is code for someone shorter. I don't know why.

Whenever I see 5'10", I smirk. Because 9 times out of 10 they've padded a couple inches. Awkward when I show up wearing the right shoes so we are at least similar in height and when do I greet him, I am looking at his bald spot

 

So maybe that's another factor, in at least your OLD experiences. If you are stating your true height, others before you have ruined it by not being honest in the first place, so the women adjust you down on your stated height assuming otherwise.

[WithLove]

I found my gaming group though Meet up! I'm so happy with it.

[John John]

How was meetup? I've had that recommended to me from time to time.

 

I went to a meetup in March this year. It was supposed to be "NYC Professionals Mingle"...it ended up being a college frat party. I threw my hands up, as everyone got drunk and spilled drinks on each other, and just said "if I can't beat em, I'll join em." Ending up being the only guy in this bachelorette party and hooked up with the maid of honor lol. Sooooo...there's that!!

 

I know you don't want to hear from me (again) on this subject, seeing I am the tall girl in the room

(all in good fun, besides you said you were done talking about it)

But I think I could be more of an authority on this matter is some small way. Would I prefer a taller man? - yes.

Again, as stated earlier I'd prefer to double my salary too.

 

I have dated men shorter than myself.

It's about the quality of the man, not his shoe size, seriously. It's a combination of all factors.

 

I would not deny a good man, attractive (to me) that made me laugh and I had a lot in common with due to his height.

(I will be honest, there can't be a huge height difference to my advantage)

But I think the men I have dated that were my height or shorter had a bigger problem with it than I did.

So, hmmmm. Something to think about. But that's my experience.

 

One last thing about the 5"10" on OLD. It's just been my personal experience that 5'10" is code for someone shorter. I don't know why.

Whenever I see 5'10", I smirk. Because 9 times out of 10 they've padded a couple inches. Awkward when I show up wearing the right shoes so we are at least similar in height and when do I greet him, I am looking at his bald spot

 

So maybe that's another factor, in at least your OLD experiences. If you are stating your true height, others before you have ruined it by not being honest in the first place, so the women adjust you down on your stated height.

 

Thanks for the heartfelt post reinvent. I know as a taller woman you have dated men your height and shorter. So that's really cool. Yeah, I've dated a few women taller than me, and while I think I did well with playing it confidently (I encouraged them to wear heels, etc.), it bugged me deep down. I think society has done a fine job of engraining in our heads "the way it should be."

 

And you are right, I think all the men who've lied online have skewed the numbers. So...women probably see me say my true height (sometimes I'll round up and put 5'9" because I'm like 5'8.5" I think per my doctor late last year) and think "this guy is probably like 5'6." " And they think 5'6" is really 5'4". And so on.

 

Online dating is simultaneously wonderful and terrible.

[Sportster2005]

Funny the subject of height came up. I was looking at profiles last night on Match. There were finally some new ones. All the new ones were looking for 5'10" as a minimum. The women were all under 5'7". It is frustrating. But what frustrates me is it easy to have a preference specific as height and not weight. I think we should be putting in our weight. Then the site can calculate BMI. And then part of the criteria should be BMI. Specific and to the point. What the He** is a "Few Extra Pounds"??? It's BS, is what it is. And please, because you walk a bit doesn't mean you have an "Athletic and Toned" figure. Having them list BMI would clear it up. And don't give me the argument BMI isn't a good indicator because muscle is heavier than fat. That is true only in rare cases. One of my jobs as a medic in the navy was monitoring the crews BMI. Those with a high BMI were overweight to obese.

 

But it's not going to happen. If dating sites did this women wouldn't sign up and the wailing and gnashing of teeth about body shaming would never end.

 

Here's the cold facts of life. Men prefer younger/leaner women. Women prefer taller/richer men. I finally found a good research paper on the subject. Large sample size, peer reviewed, adjusted for bias. Although worded different that was the conclusion.

 

So what do to about it? Accept it. All those Dove commercials are not going to change men's minds on what they find sexy. And unfortunately JJ nothing we say or do is going to change women's minds. Yes it's a double standard. An yes, women most often can do something about their weight. We are kind of stuck with our height.

 

An Olympic gold medal rower did an inspiration talk to a marathon clinic I was on. He asked the gathered runners to list things that worried them on race day. He drew a large circle. Things we could control like, training, and hydrating went inside the circle. Things we couldn't control went outside the circle. The point was very salient and simple. You never spend time worrying about things outside the circle. And height belongs outside the circle.

 

Be the best man you can be, maintain that positive attitude and the right woman will find you.

[reinventmyself]

Funny how the generalization that weight is a woman's issue?

(though as I reread Sporsters post, it's for the most part gender neutral)

Eh hm. . That one swings both ways.

I love the men's profile pictures that are from the neck up only, stating they are average, fit, athletic and toned and are actually none of the above.

No body shaming here. Just be honest. As if that's too much to ask

[John John]

Funny the subject of height came up. I was looking at profiles last night on Match. There were finally some new ones. All the new ones were looking for 5'10" as a minimum. The women were all under 5'7". It is frustrating. But what frustrates me is it easy to have a preference specific as height and not weight. I think we should be putting in our weight. Then the site can calculate BMI. And then part of the criteria should be BMI. Specific and to the point. What the He** is a "Few Extra Pounds"??? It's BS, is what it is. And please, because you walk a bit doesn't mean you have an "Athletic and Toned" figure. Having them list BMI would clear it up. And don't give me the argument BMI isn't a good indicator because muscle is heavier than fat. That is true only in rare cases. One of my jobs as a medic in the navy was monitoring the crews BMI. Those with a high BMI were overweight to obese.

 

But it's not going to happen. If dating sites did this women wouldn't sign up and the wailing and gnashing of teeth about body shaming would never end.

 

Here's the cold facts of life. Men prefer younger/leaner women. Women prefer taller/richer men. I finally found a good research paper on the subject. Large sample size, peer reviewed, adjusted for bias. Although worded different that was the conclusion.

 

So what do to about it? Accept it. All those Dove commercials are not going to change men's minds on what they find sexy. And unfortunately JJ nothing we say or do is going to change women's minds. Yes it's a double standard. An yes, women most often can do something about their weight. We are kind of stuck with our height.

 

An Olympic gold medal rower did an inspiration talk to a marathon clinic I was on. He asked the gathered runners to list things that worried them on race day. He drew a large circle. Things we could control like, training, and hydrating went inside the circle. Things we couldn't control went outside the circle. The point was very salient and simple. You never spend time worrying about things outside the circle. And height belongs outside the circle.

 

Be the best man you can be, maintain that positive attitude and the right woman will find you.

 

Ok, this may be the best post of all time on ENA. I know it's probably the best post I've ever read on here regarding the whole height thing. Everything you said is 100% correct, and you presented it in way in which I think I've been unable to. I'll stop there. Thank you.

 

And I think with this, we can end the height discussions on here.

 

 

Funny how the generalization that weight is a woman's issue?

(though as I reread Sporsters post, it's for the most part gender neutral)

Eh hm. . That one swings both ways.

I love the men's profile pictures that are from the neck up only, stating they are average, fit, athletic and toned and are actually none of the above.

No body shaming here. Just be honest. As if that's too much to ask

 

I think his post was very fair and gender neutral. Definitely not "gender war" worthy. His posts are always mature and on point, I think. He was honest, though. Men care about weight/age, women care about height. Period.

[John John]

At the end of the day, it only takes one. All I really want is a solid relationship that could eventually lead to marriage. Sometimes when I get to thinking, I truly believe I'd be married at this very second if I were taller. And that sucks.

 

Just the way I sometimes feel.

[Realitynut]

Men care about weight/age, women care about height.

 

weight/age=sucks for me

 

Height=sucks for you

 

Period. Sucks for all of us....lol

 

Guess we shouldn't be so superficial....

[Blue Spiral]

The height discussion is dead. Long live the weight discussion!

 

I weigh 120 lbs. I know some women who weigh around that...and all but a few are stay-at-home-moms who married into money. The ones that work only work because they want to, not because they have to. That's how in-demand thin women are.

 

In an alternate reality where physical priorities are reversed, I'm probably a trophy husband of some sort, who stays at home and watches sports all day. Sadly, in this universe, staying thin won't earn me a meal-ticket...

[WithLove]

Blue, I've got almost 100 lbs on you! But they are coming off fast! Can't wait to wear those cute summer dresses... And maybe even some yoga pants?

[Sportster2005]

 

I think his post was very fair and gender neutral. Definitely not "gender war" worthy. His posts are always mature and on point, I think. He was honest, though. Men care about weight/age, women care about height. Period.

 

I have my moments of lucidity Thanks JJ

[IAmFCA]

Heard today of a very sweet but not physically special 60 year old man attracting a smoking hot woman 12 years younger, presumably also kind but he never brought that up. He complained of her large feet.

 

Seriously.

[IAmFCA]

At the end of the day, it only takes one. All I really want is a solid relationship that could eventually lead to marriage. Sometimes when I get to thinking, I truly believe I'd be married at this very second if I were taller. And that sucks.

 

Just the way I sometimes feel.

 

You'd be impressed with me, JJ. My most serious-appearing on line prospect shunned me after our first phone call. I finally followed up to ask why, and he asked me out.

 

Now, we'll see if he is serious, in earnest.

 

Either way, I am glad I took a risk. It's tough out there.

[WithLove]

Why would you want to go out with him? He shunned you.

[faraday]

Why would you want to go out with him? He shunned you.

 

Because they hadn't met yet. It wasn't personal. He could have been contacted by an ex he wasn't over, he could have a sick family member...who knows? However, if he flakes this time, total game over (imo).

[John John]

Talked to a girl on the phone from Bumble last night. As always, once I get the phone number, I wait about a day, and then actually call them. She picked up, and seemed genuinely happy and respected the fact that I "actually called her." We spoke for a few minutes, but she had to run. She texted me later that evening, and said she'd try to text me today (she's at the US Open later today). Trying to set up a date with her.

 

Another very attractive girl "smiled" at my eHarmony profile. So I'm writing her now. And tomorrow I'm going to a speed dating event (my first time, ever). Hopefully there are some cute and nice women there that I might hit it off with.

 

Moving forward.

[imsuperman]

Yes! Do eeet.

[WithLove]

I'm always genuinely surprised when a guy calls. Most just text.

[John John]

I'm always genuinely surprised when a guy calls. Most just text.

 

That's why I don't know why more men don't call. It's a great way to "stand out" in the very early stages, especially when you're competing with a woman's online inbox.

[WithLove]

I think more people rely on text to get their charm and wit to carry over than ever before.

[itsallgrand]

Nicely done with the call. Good luck at your speed dating event! Never went to one... Curious how you will find it

[reinventmyself]

That's why I don't know why more men don't call. It's a great way to "stand out" in the very early stages, especially when you're competing with a woman's online inbox.

Such a great insight on your part JJ. You are bound to get major points for the phone calls. Keep it up!