JJ's Diary of Dating

[Seraphim]

Thank you Seraphim. I am a lot happier. I got over the breakup pretty quickly. And I will say, I am not buying this house to "move on" or "take my mind off things," because I had honestly already moved on and really didn't miss a beat from this breakup. I've wanted to own a house my whole life. I think I just decided to stop waiting for someone and just live my life the way I wanna live it, and not stress dating. Actually, dating is very low on the totem pole right now; before the house, I was stressing the job thing much more!

 

Question - is your avatar a cartoon version of Aeris/Aerith from Final Fantasy VII? It sure looks like her!

 

Absolutely no clue about the avatar I just liked it.

 

I am glad things are going well for you!

[boltnrun]

I rented my apartment a couple of months ago because I didn't know my employer was going to keep pushing back my transfer date

 

I like to look at real estate and rentals just for fun, and I noticed that apartments much nicer and much larger than the one I chose are now available for less! I didn't think apartment hunting during a pandemic was a great idea so I was glad I had everything already set up, but now I see I could have maybe gotten a nicer and bigger place. Oh well...

 

I am glad you got your house! It sounds lovely.

[Batya33]

Congratulations on your new home!!

[Realitynut]

House with pool....now you're a real catch!!!!!! lol

[John John]

Thank you all for the well wishes! I move in like 3 more weeks...crazy! A bit nervous, but it's a good nervous, and I'm so excited. I've lived in apartments my whole life, and while there's totally nothing wrong with that and I had a great upbringing, I've always dreamed of a house with a ginormous yard and pool. I'm quite proud that I made it happen totally on my own.

 

My father puts a lot of pressure on me with dating. After my mom died and he retired, I guess he doesn't have a huge amount going on, so I sorta get it. And he wants me to be happy. I don't know how or when or why the "change" in me happened...but I literally honestly could not care less about dating or finding someone. Don't me wrong - I went on a date last night and I am on two online apps. The date was fine, but Covid/wearing masks really makes things awkward. Not to mention that everyone has different levels of comfort regarding social distancing/intimacy with Covid. I had a very mild case of it back in March and was confirmed to have the antibodies, so I don't care as much, but I definitely wear masks when in public.

 

For the first time in my life, I'm really just "doing me," as cheesy as that sounds. I'm focusing on moving/pimping out my house, enjoying time with family and friends, and furthering my career. I'm not sure if maybe part of me really has given up on finding love. I don't think that's true because I'm clearly still trying. I just...sorta don't care anymore. I still hope I get a chance to be a father because I think I'd make an awesome dad, especially now that I've got my sh*t together. I've overcome a lot in life, many things I've never shared on here, and I've always wanted to pass that wisdom on to my future kids (if I am to have them). We'll see what happens.

 

I know early on this diary (I re-read it recently, and was cringing almost the whole time.....) I would have been sooooo stressed about the outcome of yesterday's date. Now it's like...I'm just not emotionally tied to the outcome AT ALL. My dad says he finds this change in me "disturbing." I think it's awesome lol

[Batya33]

So as a mom and former teacher -I think it's far more important for parents to be open to all the wisdom and insight children can share with you from the time they are born with the goal of wanting to fill an empty vessel so to speak with one's own wisdom being secondary. The openness to the child's perspective, how and when the child explores his or her surroundings,the sorts of imaginary play young children do - that is what gives me the wisdom and insight to know how to be his facilitator, when to step in and be a more firm (controlling?) leader, when to just be quiet and let him make his own mistakes and learn from them. I think we take a lot away from a child's growth by jumping in and sharing "wisdom"as in "look at me -look at all I got over, look at what I was able to do -here's how I did it and see you can do it too!!!" Those anecdotes have their place of course. That wisdom has its place. I believe strongly it should not be a reason to have a child or the main goal of parenting.

 

I'll give a few examples. When my son was four I found him peering into the mirror trying to separate the skin on his forehead. Why? Because I'd told him his imagination was inside his head and he wanted to see it.

 

My son is 11 and has been interacting with friends daily on zoom. I resist the urge to jump in and imbue the wisdom I have about appropriate socializing/working out disputes -once in awhile we do but our goal is to let him work it out on his own and come to us if he needs us, barring true danger or offensive behavior (not an issue with him)

 

My father told me a lot about working hard/work ethic and I've done the same my whole life. He never shared any wisdom about how he overcame his debilitating life long mental illness. I do not have any mental illness. I learned a whole lot more by being around him and watching him face the challenges from his disabilities,watching my mother as his caretaker than if he'd tried to "pass that wisdom" on to me by discussing it. I took what made sense to me, it affected my perspective of course -but it resonated with me much more than if he'd tried to discuss it or affirmatively "pass it on" to me.

 

I get the desire to do what you are talking about. I have been through so much to get to where I am in so many ways -it's such a strong desire to do the "you are my child/the empty vessel I must fill with knowledge" - and I resist that urge for his benefit. So far so good.

[reinventmyself]

You sound like you are in a great place J. I really believe when you least expect it, life takes a hard turn. Buying a home, taking care of yourself changes your energy. Different energy will open different doors. It's just how the universe works.

 

And no, I'm not rubbing a crystal or lighting incense when I say this. Lol I've just been on this earth longer than you and I have learned the hardest way to just let go and things you don't expect will come to you.

 

I remember a friend, deeply depressed and crying over a turkey sandwich at lunch and I told her this very same thing. A boyfriend had just ended their relationship, she hated her job and filed bankruptsy. The next day while working (sales/gift shops in hotels) there was a check-in table for people scheduled for interviews for a major airline. One thing led to another and the check-in person hand wrote her name in and within days she was packing to move cross country to train and become a flight attendant for a major airline. She never for a moment considered being one! It was pretty headspinning.

 

She always reminds me how creepy my pep talk talk was to her just the day before "because, in an instant your life can change"

 

Have fun nesting and congratulations on the new home!

[Realitynut]

I was always told....the min. you stop looking, is the day someone will walk into your life! Hasn't happened to me...yet. But you are in such a good place, and once you move into your house, and fixing it up, you won't have time to dwell on your love life. Then after this pandemic is over, you are settled, you can head on out!!!!! Good Luck.....So happy for you!

[John John]

Thank you guys for all the well wishes and great advice!

 

I had a second date with a very attractive doctor on Friday night, but something was just off. I sent her a very nice text this morning saying that I didn't feel we were a match, and she sent me a really nice text back saying she felt the same. She also complimented me big time (as I did her) lol which was nice. It was a very mature way to just go our separate ways, but we agreed to stay in touch since we were both so cool about it.

 

This may seem like such a basic question and I probably should know it already - but what exactly is "chemistry?" Or I guess, I'm curious to hear how you guys define it. To me, it's sort of a "feeling" that I can't quite describe, but I know when it's there or not there. This girl is VERY attractive (as I'd like to think I am too), but we had zero chemistry. Granted, dating during a global pandemic wearing masks does NOT help (yes, we took them off as we had drinks outside) - everyone has different comfort levels during this Covid crisis. I guess I'm just a tad frustrated because chemistry is soooo hard to find. Like I don't really have a "checklist" like I used to, but they definitely do have to pass the "eye test" as I have to pass theirs too. After that, assuming chemistry is present, as long as you're a kind/warm person with a decent living who wants the same general things I do, you're a contender.

 

I will say it was refreshing to just enjoy some dates with someone, then politely agree to just be friends. Dating in NYC is NOT fun. At all. We need more people like us out there who just value integrity.

 

It's so damn hot here - cannot WAIT to be poolside at my new place soon!

[Batya33]

To me chemistry is a click and may not be based on physical features at all -other than if you are repulsed by someone's physical features chemistry is doubtful. Chemistry to me is often friendship caught on fire.

[bluecastle]

This may seem like such a basic question and I probably should know it already - but what exactly is "chemistry?"

 

I think it's pretty simple. It's that thing with someone that you don't really need to think about because it's just there, so potent that it makes whatever spins your heady self is prone to indulge in kind of beside the point, if not downright moot. The basic ingredients are pretty obvious—attraction across a mental, spiritual, and physical plane—but the mystery is that it's there with some, not with others. "Friendship caught on fire," is a pretty great definition.

 

When you're stuck in your head? Well, I'd say you can sit around and analyze that like an MIT professor or chalk it up to a sign that the chemistry just ain't there. That's the case with most people we meet, be it on a romantic or platonic axis. If it were easy to find, life would be much less interesting.

[John John]

I think it's pretty simple. It's that thing with someone that you don't really need to think about because it's just there, so potent that it makes whatever spins your heady self is prone to indulge in kind of beside the point, if not downright moot. The basic ingredients are pretty obvious—attraction across a mental, spiritual, and physical plane—but the mystery is that it's there with some, not with others. "Friendship caught on fire," is a pretty great definition.

 

When you're stuck in your head? Well, I'd say you can sit around and analyze that like an MIT professor or chalk it up to a sign that the chemistry just ain't there. That's the case with most people we meet, be it on a romantic or platonic axis. If it were easy to find, life would be much less interesting.

 

 

Not sure if you're saying that I'm "heady"/always in my head...I mean it's partially true, for sure. But I'm much less in my head than I used to be. I really have been trying to live in the here and now and not focus so much on the future or "end goals." I think this diary is just a place for me to vent my innermost thoughts occasionally. Like a sounding board, and also to get ideas from you guys of course.

 

I understand what you guys are saying about chemistry and can't say I disagree. To me, it's certainly intangible, and I know when it's there/not there. I feel like within 2-3 dates (for me, usually 2), I should know if there's any real potential or not.

[itsallgrand]

Have a drink for me in your new pool!!

That's so exciting about your new home!

I've always wanted a house with a pool. One of my first rentals had an Olympic sized indoor pool and I was in there almost every day. It was technically a seniors building so there was rarely anyone else using it.

Anyways, enjoy!

[bluecastle]

Not sure if you're saying that I'm "heady"/always in my head...

 

Oh, I meant "your" as in "one's." As in: all of us humans have a "heady self," that lovely part of us that questions everything, sometimes making a mountain out of a molehill, other times making a molehill out of a mountain. But on the subject of chemistry? You put it quite well: it's an intangible, though something we certainly know is there, or not, much the way we know that we enjoy something (a certain dish at dinner, a pool in a backyard) or not.

 

Like you, I believe chemistry is something we discover pretty quickly. An early simmer doesn't always reach a boil, of course, but it's a pretty critical x factor in seeing if the proverbial pasta can be cooked, together.

[Batya33]

I used to give it 4 dates to have the desire to kiss someone or to enjoy kissing the person if I otherwise liked the person.

[John John]

Finally moving into my house this week! Closing took forever due to Covid and also due to the fact that the seller's new house wasn't ready yet. So they dragged it out for as long as they could. I refuse to close my pool until mid October hehe I'm determined to enjoy it.

 

I'm sort of embarrassed by this, but I've been in my current neighborhood my whole life. It just sort of worked out that way, as I was always working and/or going to school in the city. My apartment has been rent controlled and having roommates really enabled me to save a ton of money and be in a really good position to afford this house on my own. I'm a bit nervous, but it's a good nervous.

 

My sister just got engaged this weekend. I am thrilled for her, and I really like her fiancé (and I'm hard to impress). I've seen her struggle with dating (dating in NY sucks sooooo bad), and I'm glad she seems to have found her happy ending. I've tried dating during this pandemic, but have sort of been half assing it. I don't think about my recent ex in the sense that I still want to be with her (I knew months before we broke up that it wasn't going to work), but I sort of mourn the idea of even being with anyone now. It just seems so...out of reach/foreign now. Granted, I've only been single for 4 months, but I never allowed myself to really fall in love with my recent ex because I knew her limitations going in (with mental illness and not necessarily wanting the same things in life). She was/is a wonderful person, and I really miss her. If only it weren't for those things I just said, we would have been a match, no question.

 

I'm a bit nervous about dating in the suburbs. My town seems to be relatively young, and my neighbors seem awesome. They are a few years older with young kids, but seem really cool. I hope I can meet women out there. I don't understand why it's so hard to find a woman that is attractive (to me!) and who has her sh*t together and wants the same things I do in life. At the risk of sounded stuck up, I think I'm a solid catch - I have a good career, am a homeowner, I'm good looking/in-shape, I'm genuinely kind and care about/take an interest in people, my mental health is generally in a very good place these days (after years of working on myself)...dont know what else I have to do lol. So tired of the online dating bullsh*t and just in general with dating...sometimes I feel hopeless. I much better about not allowing myself to stay in the headspace for long, and I will wake up totally fine tomorrow. It's just really hard seeing everyone else around seemingly find/keep love so easily. I think I bring a lot to the table and just want someone who offers the same and is on the same wavelength as me. I really feel like I'm looking for unicorn sometimes, but I honest to God don't think I'm looking for anything that I don't already bring to the table myself (not that dating is a barter system, I know it's not).

[Batya33]

I would just go with those feelings right now -let them be, let them settle, ease into your new home, celebrate being a homeowner since that sound extremely important to you, and slow down a bit as you ease in. I dated for 24 years in a city much like NY and it was so very hard -like a part time job at times - unicorn feelings and all. I had to become the right person to find the right person. I already had a very successful career, was financially independent, healthy in every way, fit, etc. 25 years ago in July my husband and I had our first ever lunch date. But even though we dated seriously and got engaged I wasn't the right person yet and he wasn't yet the right person for me. 8 years later we both were right for each other. That was 15 years ago this August. Life is strange that way. way. I had the mindset you did of what I brought to the table and for the same reasons as you. But when I became the right person to find the right person it really wasn't about that. Yes my husband and I are on the same wavelength and share very similar values and religion, etc. And that includes career/work ethic/ambition -even though I haven't worked full time outside the home since 2009 (part time now) those values, that wavelength -helps so much given how busy and driven and ambitious my type B husband is (yes a unicorn, usually people like him are type A like me!

 

Anyway sorry to ramble. I get it and what I wrote at first is what I suggest, FWIW.

[John John]

Haha I didn't think you were rambling Batya! I appreciate your response and just the fact that you said you understood my feelings. Thank you. I will just try to "go with" the feelings right now, and focus on the excitement of my new home and enjoy it. It is indeed very important to me, as I've always wanted a house and have always wanted to be a homeowner. I sacrificed a lot to get here. Lived with roommates (when I really didn't need to) for almost a decade in my late 20s and much of my 30s (after having gotten out of a long-term serious realtionship - the one that got me on eNotalone in the first place!) to save money. I wanted to not only be able to afford a house, but be able to do so on my own and as comfortably as possible (with a large emergency fund and money on top of that for renovations and what not).

[Batya33]

Haha I didn't think you were rambling Batya! I appreciate your response and just the fact that you said you understood my feelings. Thank you. I will just try to "go with" the feelings right now, and focus on the excitement of my new home and enjoy it. It is indeed very important to me, as I've always wanted a house and have always wanted to be a homeowner. I sacrificed a lot to get here. Lived with roommates (when I really didn't need to) for almost a decade in my late 20s and much of my 30s (after having gotten out of a long-term serious realtionship - the one that got me on eNotalone in the first place!) to save money. I wanted to not only be able to afford a house, but be able to do so on my own and as comfortably as possible (with a large emergency fund and money on top of that for renovations and what not).

 

That's great! I cannot relate at all to that sort of goal but I know what it's like to achieve a long time goal for sure -enjoy!

[John John]

Been a while since I posted on here. Been super busy ever since I moved into this house on doing updates. I gutted the sunroom, both bathrooms, tore up all the carpets, redid the floors, painted, and redid the staircase (it was in bad shape after we tore up the carpets), added central air...it's been a lot. I've enjoyed it for the most part, and I slummed its with roommates for years to save enough money to do this. I saw a lot of potential with this house when I first came to see it, and the yard/pool are amazing. Next year I will be either gutting the kitchen (it's not bad, but needs updating), or doing the basement. Trying to pick which one makes the most sense...

The house has been a great distraction from other areas that have been lacking in my life. And maybe quarantine fatigue is starting to set in more. I'm not happy with my current job/company, and have been trying to network/apply for new jobs. I get interviews here and there, but it's hard to find the right fit and balance of more money with quality of life (my firm is letting us stay home 100% until at least after summer, and probably until the end of this year - kind of want to milk that for as long as I can). I got a promotion this year, but barely got a raise. I'm just over this place. 

In some ways, I'm more confident that I will get a better job than I am in my dating life. I've been single for almost a year now. I barely get matches on Bumble anymore lol. Maybe my profile needs some tweaking. Who knows. I dated someone around the holidays for a bit but she got weird on me after a few dates, and I ultimately walked away because I felt like whatever momentum we had was gone after that (I am quickly turned off by any signs of flakiness).

I feel really hopeless about my love life. I try to remind myself of all the mantras you hear "it only takes one" "something that hasn't worked out in years can suddenly change" "You never know who's around the corner," "The only way to stop dating is to keep dating," etc. I am swiping every day because, well, I have no choice, right? But that only goes so far. It's hard seeing everyone else around you be happy and have relationships/families. Maybe it's not in the cards for me. I would be ok with not having children, but it would be nice to spend my life with someone. I also recognize that life's not fair and not everyone finds someone. I have much to be thankful for in life, and many others have it far worse off than I do. But I'm human, and I get lonely, and I don't want to die alone. 

Sometimes people say I'm too picky, but I'm really not, or at least, not the way I used to be. I was willing to accept quite a lot of crap that came with my ex-girlfriend (mental health issues, not making a lot of money etc.) because I really loved her. But we didn't want the same things in life, which is why we ended. I swipe right on many women that aren't "models" just the way I swipe life on gorgeous women who write nothing in their profiles or pose a certain way in their photos. I have really honed what I'm looking for, but by the same token (as I think I've said on here), I also know that I bring a good amount to the table, and would hopefully feel the same about whoever I end up with (even though it's not a barter system or anything like that). 

I know I'm rambling. I just needed to get this out because I don't have many people to talk to about this stuff. I just wish things would change and I'm tired of waiting while everyone else gets to be happy (in that particular way).