JJ's Diary of Dating

[LightWave93]

JJ, we don't want you to shut up. Far from it.

 

Like I said, in no way would we (I) want to undermine how you feel. Your feelings are completely natural and, well, right for this situation. You want a companion, and you've yet to find one. It SUCKS. We've already been there or are there in that situation. Fact of the matter is, here's what you've got going for you;

 

- Women engaging in conversation

- Women giving you their number

- Women accepting dates

- The occasional second, third, fourth date etc, or a hookup

 

You are a desirable man, and you have more success in the dating process than a good 80% of men out there. Every "failed" date is a new experience to bolster your confidence, conversational skills, body language etc so when that perfect girls come along you will literally sweep her off her feet. Take the positives from the situations you find yourself in, mate.

[John John]

Thanks LightWave. Appreciate it buddy.

[WithLove]

God, I can't even wait til all you attractive men on here find your "One" and I can rub it in your face.

[LightWave93]

God, I can't even wait til all you attractive men on here find your "One" and I can rub it in your face.

 

You are really not going to like my next post.

[maker]

God, I can't even wait til all you attractive men on here find your "One" and I can rub it in your face.

 

I do hope you've brought a lot of popcorn since it's gonna be one hell of a wait.

Not in John John's case, of course. He already knows how to play the game.

[TMifune]

God, I can't even wait til all you attractive men on here find your "One" and I can rub it in your face.

 

 

What about us uggos?

[IAmFCA]

Thanks faraday and LW. You guys are right. I will shut up. It's not about the eHarm girl. I have this sorta internal shame about the whole thing, even if it isn't entirely in my own hands. I might open up more about it. Not sure I want to yet. Because I know what peoples' reaction/responses will be (and I'm not saying that they'd be wrong)...but it doesn't change how I feel. Nor does it change how lonely I am.

 

Last week I week I was out with some friends. One came with his gf (which I encouraged), another came by himself, and there were some other people there. I had a great time. I can enjoy being in the moment. But seeing the one couple that's been together for 5 years (and they're the same age that I was when my ex left me) so happy...seeing her turn to kiss his shoulder every few minutes...really hurt and made me feel really lonely. And knowing the other guy was going home to his gf anyway. Just really instilled and made it clear how alone and far behind I am. Like...I had a great time...but once we parted ways at the end of the night...I felt terrible.

 

(Oh crud, ITIC showed again.)

 

To review:

See girl kiss on guy

Remind oneself that they've lasted 5 years

Remind oneself they started when my last LTR ended

Remind myself I don't have what they have

Tell myself I could have had it

Predictably, feel bad about what I don't have

 

Alternative

See girl kiss on guy

Remind oneself that they've lasted five years

Appreciate how they keep their disagreements private

Appreciate how they keep their disagreements smaller than their connection, so that they remain a team instead of becoming divisive

Appreciate how that requires commitment and skill, in addition to two people actually wanting to invest in one another

Be grateful for ones own ability and progress is learning those skills

Appreciate how those skills are demonstrated in ones relationship with oneself.

[WithLove]

What about us uggos?

 

Who said you were an uggo??

[John John]

I do hope you've brought a lot of popcorn since it's gonna be one hell of a wait.

Not in John John's case, of course. He already knows how to play the game.

 

Not quite sure how to take this. You be nice to LightWave. He's mah boi

 

(Oh crud, ITIC showed again.)

 

To review:

See girl kiss on guy

Remind oneself that they've lasted 5 years

Remind oneself they started when my last LTR ended

Remind myself I don't have what they have

Tell myself I could have had it

Predictably, feel bad about what I don't have

 

Alternative

See girl kiss on guy

Remind oneself that they've lasted five years

Appreciate how they keep their disagreements private

Appreciate how they keep their disagreements smaller than their connection, so that they remain a team instead of becoming divisive

Appreciate how that requires commitment and skill, in addition to two people actually wanting to invest in one another

Be grateful for ones own ability and progress is learning those skills

Appreciate how those skills are demonstrated in ones relationship with oneself.

 

 

You should be a therapist ITIC.

 

You'd be surprised that I do some of this already. I try to always learn from painful experiences, wherever possible. I learned so much from the relationship with my ex of 5 years. So much. But it still doesn't make it any less painful to see things like this (even knowing behind closed doors their lives aren't perfect). It actually makes it a tad more painful in the sense that, I have these skills...but no one to share them with.

 

But I will still be mindful of what you said. Thanks ITIC.

[IAmFCA]

Not quite sure how to take this. You be nice to LightWave. He's mah boi

 

 

 

 

You should be a therapist ITIC.

 

You'd be surprised that I do some of this already. I try to always learn from painful experiences, wherever possible. I learned so much from the relationship with my ex of 5 years. So much. But it still doesn't make it any less painful to see things like this (even knowing behind closed doors their lives aren't perfect). It actually makes it a tad more painful in the sense that, I have these skills...but no one to share them with.

 

But I will still be mindful of what you said. Thanks ITIC.

 

Do you see that you create that pain for yourself?

 

And yes, I know this pain. When I have felt it, I have replaced it with Glad to have an example of what I want, or Glad they are my friends... Atm I'm in that place where I am wondering, like you do, WTH I am awesome and guys always say I'm awesome, but I end up feeling shortchanged and the rl tanks. I feel like it's me. Then I remember, it's a match, two people from vastly unknown places agreeing to invest in each other. What an awesome enormous task. Decoupling will certainly happen more often than not.

 

It's the nature of the beast, like cold calling leads or something. It's why we need our friends!

[John John]

Do you see that you create that pain for yourself?

 

And yes, I know this pain. When I have felt it, I have replaced it with Glad to have an example of what I want, or Glad they are my friends... Atm I'm in that place where I am wondering, like you do, WTH I am awesome and guys always say I'm awesome, but I end up feeling shortchanged and the rl tanks. I feel like it's me. Then I remember, it's a match, two people from vastly unknown places agreeing to invest in each other. What an awesome enormous task. Decoupling will certainly happen more often than not.

 

It's the nature of the beast, like cold calling leads or something. It's why we need our friends!

 

You are right. Love ya ITIC

[IAmFCA]

You are right. Love ya ITIC

 

Thanks for listening emcee JJ

[John John]

Boarding my flight now to my vacay. Still...I just can't shake these feelings of loneliness and (sometimes) hopelessness. All these happy couples. I have so much to offer the right woman. Where the f#%k is she?

 

Will try to clear my head...I just don't think it's totally possible because I'm just not going to feel compete (I'm in the "you compete me" camp - don't care what anyone else on here says about me already being complete. Sue me.) until I find her.

 

Again. These are my inner feelings. I hide this all very well. Not completely, I'm sure, and not all the time. But very, very well. Better than many realize.

[IAmFCA]

Boarding my flight now to my vacay. Still...I just can't shake these feelings of loneliness and (sometimes) hopelessness. All these happy couples. I have so much to offer the right woman. Where the f#%k is she?

 

Will try to clear my head...I just don't think it's totally possible because I'm just not going to feel compete (I'm in the "you compete me" camp - don't care what anyone else on here says about me already being complete. Sue me.) until I find her.

 

Again. These are my inner feelings. I hide this all very well. Not completely, I'm sure, and not all the time. But very, very well. Better than many realize.

 

I'm right there with ya.

 

Every experience gets me closer. I might be 80, but by golly, I won't be stuck with the wrong one till then. A worse fate for sure. Just gonna keep being me, you keep being you, and we'll throw one helluva double wedding one day.

 

OMG, LOL.

 

 

Have fun on vacation!

[John John]

ITIC, why don't we just get married already? You're hot and smart like me (I'm modest too, as you can see). Your kids can (eventually) be "mine." I can be be young cool "dad." And both of our diaries will have corresponding happy endings. Whadya say! 😎 My only potential fear is that you and I are equally as smart and reflective/perceptive, hehe. Could be really amazing or a train wreck that ENA wouldn't be able to stop watching!! Lol

 

I was hiking today, and a few girls whistled at/cat called me. My relative asked "oh it's ok for girls to do that to guys now, huh?" I WAS wearing a tank top and my aviators...lol. Day = made.

[faraday]

Day = made

 

Made me smile Glad you had a good day

[IAmFCA]

Aww JJ

 

Swoon

 

It would be my honor.

[Sportster2005]

Boarding my flight now to my vacay. Still...I just can't shake these feelings of loneliness and (sometimes) hopelessness. All these happy couples. I have so much to offer the right woman. Where the f#%k is she?

 

Will try to clear my head...I just don't think it's totally possible because I'm just not going to feel compete (I'm in the "you compete me" camp - don't care what anyone else on here says about me already being complete. Sue me.) until I find her.

 

Again. These are my inner feelings. I hide this all very well. Not completely, I'm sure, and not all the time. But very, very well. Better than many realize.

 

I think there is a danger to this type of thinking. If you don't have an 'out' you can be resigning yourself to misery. I would love to meet someone, and I think it's important and a need. But it's more peaceful thinking it may not happen. And I've made adjustments in my life and outlook if it becomes inevitable I never meet someone.

 

I believe in having outs when it comes to goals. When I run marathon I have several goals. I have a best case scenario if everything comes together and I make my goal time. If I'm having a bad race, I have a goal time for that. And if you completely bonk, then my goal is to finish. If I only had the one goal, and I required everything to be perfect on race day, that puts a lot of pressure on a person. And if you have the perfect day, but cramps at mile 25 and don't meet your one goal time, you're going to feel miserable. You failed, you didn't give yourself a psychological out.

 

My primary goal it to meet someone for life and even possibly remarry. But I have other goals. Maybe it's just not in the cards. Maybe a few long term relationships will work. Worse case goal is to enjoy friendships and maybe just date women for fun and companionship. But if my only goal is to find a woman for the rest of my life, I'm putting too much pressure on myself, and possibly setting myself up for failure.

 

Not to be a killjoy or negative Nellie, the reality is a lot of people never find a partner and died single. You better have a back up plan.

 

And true, I'm much older. Probably not as critical for me. I was married, I have two wonderful boys. I've been able to experience at least that. And it sounds heart breaking to think I'll never know the love of a woman, or love a woman, it's a realistic possibility. More so at my age. Not trying to discourage you JJ. But by saying I need this, nothing else will do, you might be painting yourself into a mental corner.

[superkatnip]

I am most likely going to sound like a mom here, but I think the whole "completing me" thing is BS. Also it is a huge burden to place on another human being. You can only be truly ready for a successful relationship when you bring yourself already complete to the table.

[John John]

I think there is a danger to this type of thinking. If you don't have an 'out' you can be resigning yourself to misery. I would love to meet someone, and I think it's important and a need. But it's more peaceful thinking it may not happen. And I've made adjustments in my life and outlook if it becomes inevitable I never meet someone.

 

I believe in having outs when it comes to goals. When I run marathon I have several goals. I have a best case scenario if everything comes together and I make my goal time. If I'm having a bad race, I have a goal time for that. And if you completely bonk, then my goal is to finish. If I only had the one goal, and I required everything to be perfect on race day, that puts a lot of pressure on a person. And if you have the perfect day, but cramps at mile 25 and don't meet your one goal time, you're going to feel miserable. You failed, you didn't give yourself a psychological out.

 

My primary goal it to meet someone for life and even possibly remarry. But I have other goals. Maybe it's just not in the cards. Maybe a few long term relationships will work. Worse case goal is to enjoy friendships and maybe just date women for fun and companionship. But if my only goal is to find a woman for the rest of my life, I'm putting too much pressure on myself, and possibly setting myself up for failure.

 

Not to be a killjoy or negative Nellie, the reality is a lot of people never find a partner and died single. You better have a back up plan.

 

And true, I'm much older. Probably not as critical for me. I was married, I have two wonderful boys. I've been able to experience at least that. And it sounds heart breaking to think I'll never know the love of a woman, or love a woman, it's a realistic possibility. More so at my age. Not trying to discourage you JJ. But by saying I need this, nothing else will do, you might be painting yourself into a mental corner.

 

Thanks for the reality check, Sportster. You are right. I do need to develop some sort of backup plan in case I don't meet anyone. I think when I get back in going to start trying to develop that. And make that a focus. Might require a shift of friendships, which kinda sucks. Coupled up friends inadvertently put pressure on that whole issue...and it's hard to see them so happy (even if you're happy for them) at times. If I die alone, I gotta figure out a way to leave a mark on this world.......

[John John]

I am most likely going to sound like a mom here, but I think the whole "completing me" thing is BS. Also it is a huge burden to place on another human being. You can only be truly ready for a successful relationship when you bring yourself already complete to the table.

 

We can agree to disagree, but despite how what I've said might sound...I already do bring a lot to the table. I could settle for someone, but if I'm not attracted to her on all levels (and her me), it won't work. I have a lot id like to share with someone special. Not in a "put pressure" way. Maybe I'm not articulating it correctly, but I stand by my feelings.

[superkatnip]

I truly believe you do bring a ton to the table, never meant otherwise. But as Sportster is saying, you are putting huge pressure on yourself and a potential SO to complete each other.

[notalady]

We can agree to disagree, but despite how what I've said might sound...I already do bring a lot to the table. I could settle for someone, but if I'm not attracted to her on all levels (and her me), it won't work. I have a lot id like to share with someone special. Not in a "put pressure" way. Maybe I'm not articulating it correctly, but I stand by my feelings.

 

Perhaps looking for someone to complement your life rather than completing it is a more accurate way of putting it?

[superkatnip]

I will agree with this 100%.

[John John]

I truly believe you do bring a ton to the table, never meant otherwise. But as Sportster is saying, you are putting huge pressure on yourself and a potential SO to complete each other.

 

Ok, fair enough. I agree with this. Just sucks that everyone else around me (and I know several of them would have felt just as sucky as I do) has someone and are happy. Maybe it's not meant to be for me. I'm not yet ready to reconcile that. I need some time to think. Why am I not "worthy" as they are (according to the universe)? I think I'm flippin awesome and would make the right woman very happy.