JJ's Diary of Dating

[faraday]

John, I get it. I wanted to get married. I see that you want a partner...and that's why I push you so hard to keep going.

 

My journal on here was started at the end of my online dating. I did it for 5 years. And not like, go on a date or two, take months off, go on another date.....I used it like it was my fricken job. I spent hours every night going with through matches, setting up meets. I wanted to get married. I wanted to have kids before 35...and I was running out of time. So...I get it.

 

If you're getting 16 matches a day and you won't meet most of them...that's on you. That's you having too high of standards for someone on a screen. Seriously. I got between 6-8 matches a day and I was still able to meet 2-6 new men a week. Not 10.

 

The men that I was the most excited to meet- because they were cute, or they "seemed different" were always the ones that I was the most disappointed in. And you're choosing only meeting those women.

 

I had way looser parameters. I met everyone that I a) didn't find repulsive (so I met tons of guys who I didn't think we're good looking/attractive), and b) didn't have any deal breakers.

 

I was not excited to meet jay at all. He seemed way too much into the outdoors....he looked 20 in most of his pictures (turns out that's because he was using photos from when he was 20- he's pretty dating inept)...but I met him and liked him immediately. He seemed outdoorsy because all of his jobs have been...which is where most of his photos came from. He was a forest fire fighter, a parks ranger and a geophysicist...so every photo was him deep in the bush, having not showered in 3 days.

 

I'm so glad I gave him a chance.

 

So...all I'm saying is...be more open about who you meet. A meet isn't a date.

 

Dating is filtering until you come down to one. But if you're only putting a few people into the funnel to begin with, you won't have enough to make it through the whole filtering process. Meet as many women as you can.

 

And if you don't have the time or energy now....dude, that's on you.

 

I did my dating when I was a single mom working 12 hour days. I got one day off a week from my child- which I spent meeting people, cleaning my house, and grocery shopping. The rest of the time? Working. To support us. I couldn't afford a babysitter to go out.

 

You're kid free, you're young, you're cute, you have a good job...suck it up. With love. Seriously. It's not everyone else that needs to change. The system isn't broken. You just haven't figure out how it works yet- you need to get over yourself.

 

****all of this is said with tough love. I adore you John, I think you're awesome...but you've been throwing repeated pity parties/temper tantrums for yourself for the last few YEARS thinking you have it harder than everyone else...and dude, it just sucks for everyone. If one date is throwing you into a pit of despair like this...you need to toughen up.

[WithLove]

And this is why I love Faraday. She has the (balls) to say the things most of us are too nice to say. With love

[TMifune]

Maybe just do some FWB for a little while to lessen the loneliness?

 

I think for someone like JohnJohn that would ultimately increase the loneliness.

[John John]

John, I get it. I wanted to get married. I see that you want a partner...and that's why I push you so hard to keep going.

 

My journal on here was started at the end of my online dating. I did it for 5 years. And not like, go on a date or two, take months off, go on another date.....I used it like it was my fricken job. I spent hours every night going with through matches, setting up meets. I wanted to get married. I wanted to have kids before 35...and I was running out of time. So...I get it.

 

If you're getting 16 matches a day and you won't meet most of them...that's on you. That's you having too high of standards for someone on a screen. Seriously. I got between 6-8 matches a day and I was still able to meet 2-6 new men a week. Not 10.

 

The men that I was the most excited to meet- because they were cute, or they "seemed different" were always the ones that I was the most disappointed in. And you're choosing only meeting those women.

 

I had way looser parameters. I met everyone that I a) didn't find repulsive (so I met tons of guys who I didn't think we're good looking/attractive), and b) didn't have any deal breakers.

 

I was not excited to meet jay at all. He seemed way too much into the outdoors....he looked 20 in most of his pictures (turns out that's because he was using photos from when he was 20- he's pretty dating inept)...but I met him and liked him immediately. He seemed outdoorsy because all of his jobs have been...which is where most of his photos came from. He was a forest fire fighter, a parks ranger and a geophysicist...so every photo was him deep in the bush, having not showered in 3 days.

 

I'm so glad I gave him a chance.

 

So...all I'm saying is...be more open about who you meet. A meet isn't a date.

 

Dating is filtering until you come down to one. But if you're only putting a few people into the funnel to begin with, you won't have enough to make it through the whole filtering process. Meet as many women as you can.

 

And if you don't have the time or energy now....dude, that's on you.

 

I did my dating when I was a single mom working 12 hour days. I got one day off a week from my child- which I spent meeting people, cleaning my house, and grocery shopping. The rest of the time? Working. To support us. I couldn't afford a babysitter to go out.

 

You're kid free, you're young, you're cute, you have a good job...suck it up. With love. Seriously. It's not everyone else that needs to change. The system isn't broken. You just haven't figure out how it works yet- you need to get over yourself.

 

****all of this is said with tough love. I adore you John, I think you're awesome...but you've been throwing repeated pity parties/temper tantrums for yourself for the last few YEARS thinking you have it harder than everyone else...and dude, it just sucks for everyone. If one date is throwing you into a pit of despair like this...you need to toughen up.

 

I know you're saying it with tough love, and I appreciate the tough love. It's not that I think the system is broken or that anyone else needs to change (never said that), it's that I think I have no luck. You don't think I used go on five first dates a week? I did that for about two years...I guess I burned myself out. And like I said, it's not just one date per se....it's the overall bleakness of the process. And the fact that it's been a long time.

 

Half the matches I get on eHarmony I think are of women who aren't even active anymore. I message them, and never hear back, and then their profiles say they haven't been active in a while. So I'm not nearly as picky as you might think, I was just trying to give an example of why for me, just using eHarmony, I only end up on so many dates. I also can't help the fact that I have/had a ton of women in my "their turn" queue, but for whatever reason (usually I think because they've been inactive), nothing happens. I at one point had 6 dating apps on my iPhone. You make it like I haven't at least to some extent haven't been trying. Maybe not to the extent that you have...maybe that's my problem. Maybe that's just what I need to do.

 

I think I'm just going to put my efforts elsewhere for the time being. Maybe if and when I come back to it, I'll just do what you did and meet a bunch of new people each week and just make sure I'm numb to the process (that seems to help, which makes sense to me).

[John John]

I think for someone like JohnJohn that would ultimately increase the loneliness.

 

FWB are fun, sure...but they're kinda empty after a while. They were fun for a while when I was newly single, and they are from time to time now as well...but eh...

[LightWave93]

You ever considered seeing a dating coach?

 

I'd say you have some luck, my friend. You get dates, and that's a start!

[reinventmyself]

[]

Half the matches I get on eHarmony I think are of women who aren't even active anymore.QUOTE] I message them, and never hear back, and then their profiles say they haven't been active in a while. So I'm not nearly as picky as you might think, I was just trying to give an example of why for me, just using eHarmony, I only end up on so many dates.

 

It's been a long, long while since I used eHarmony and I stopped for that reason. I can't recall the exact experience, but because in the beginning I was passing on a lot of possibilities I think they at some point run out and start sending you those who are no longer participating. I thought it was my imagination but when talking to a friend, she had the same experience. Hearing you say this makes me believe it's so.

[John John]

You ever considered seeing a dating coach?

 

I'd say you have some luck, my friend. You get dates, and that's a start!

 

lol I don't think I need that my friend. I know you guys honestly can't fathom it, but I'm nothing like this in person or on dates. I'm really good at living in the moment. Of course I'm sure the pain seeps out here and there, but if I were as terrible as my posts might lead some to believe, I'd never get second dates (and I do).

 

 

[]

Half the matches I get on eHarmony I think are of women who aren't even active anymore.QUOTE] I message them, and never hear back, and then their profiles say they haven't been active in a while. So I'm not nearly as picky as you might think, I was just trying to give an example of why for me, just using eHarmony, I only end up on so many dates.

 

It's been a long, long while since I used eHarmony and I stopped for that reason. I can't recall the exact experience, but because in the beginning I was passing on a lot of possibilities I think they at some point run out and start sending you those who are no longer participating. I thought it was my imagination but when talking to a friend, she had the same experience. Hearing you say this makes me believe it's so.

 

Yeah reinvent, I message sooooo many women on eHarmony that are cute and think I'd click with, and never hear back (not even them rejecting me, they just sit there in my "waiting to hear back" status). eHarmony might send like 10-16 matches a day (depending on the day), and I usually message a few each day, but most end up going nowhere. Same for the "What If" option which I used a ton as well.

[LightWave93]

lol I don't think I need that my friend. I know you guys honestly can't fathom it, but I'm nothing like this in person or on dates. I'm really good at living in the moment. Of course I'm sure the pain seeps out here and there, but if I were as terrible as my posts might lead some to believe, I'd never get second dates (and I do).

 

Ah but you see, I can very well read between the lines of your posts because I'm very much the same (why do we relate so well? lol); usually negative on the forums, but in person I'm much better. Loving that second statement. Confidence and self-love. Extend that into the belief you'll find someone and I think good things will come your way, my friend.

[John John]

Ah but you see, I can very well read between the lines of your posts because I'm very much the same (why do we relate so well? lol); usually negative on the forums, but in person I'm much better. Loving that second statement. Confidence and self-love. Extend that into the belief you'll find someone and I think good things will come your way, my friend.

 

My dad says he thinks that some people out there who are so overtly unlike what our posts make us seem like are this way because they need a "thicker mask" to hide the pain. Maybe that's the case with us! lol. I'm nothing like what my posts make me seem like...although the more I think about it, I'm sure I occasionally say things that betray my bleak outlook on dating.

 

I also want to clarify that while I may surely be having a pity party, I don't think I'm special or have it worse than anyone else. Dating blows for everyone. I never said it didn't. I AM surrounded with people in my life who seem like they just found their significant others much more easily (one guy did two weeks after breaking up with another gf, with new gf for 5 years)...maybe that's why I've been feeling more like this. I've been trying to branch out and make new friends, and I've been following through on that. They just all seem to have someone. And that's rough because then I feel like I can only ask them to do things so often because they will naturally have built in plans with their gf/bfs.

[faraday]

I know you're saying it with tough love, and I appreciate the tough love. It's not that I think the system is broken or that anyone else needs to change (never said that), it's that I think I have no luck. You don't think I used go on five first dates a week? I did that for about two years...I guess I burned myself out. And like I said, it's not just one date per se....it's the overall bleakness of the process. And the fact that it's been a long time.

 

Half the matches I get on eHarmony I think are of women who aren't even active anymore. I message them, and never hear back, and then their profiles say they haven't been active in a while. So I'm not nearly as picky as you might think, I was just trying to give an example of why for me, just using eHarmony, I only end up on so many dates. I also can't help the fact that I have/had a ton of women in my "their turn" queue, but for whatever reason (usually I think because they've been inactive), nothing happens. I at one point had 6 dating apps on my iPhone. You make it like I haven't at least to some extent haven't been trying. Maybe not to the extent that you have...maybe that's my problem. Maybe that's just what I need to do.

 

I think I'm just going to put my efforts elsewhere for the time being. Maybe if and when I come back to it, I'll just do what you did and meet a bunch of new people each week and just make sure I'm numb to the process (that seems to help, which makes sense to me).

 

When were you going on a few meets a week? Not in the time I've known you on here! And before that...I'm pretty sure it took you a few years to get over your ex- because when I noticed you a few years ago, your posts were still tainted with bitterness and resentment towards her.

 

My guess is, when you were dating a ton, you were still hung up on your ex.

 

Maybe it's time to start a new profile on eH. I did that. At one point I was only getting inactives too- I closed 95% of my matches in the beginning. After a month or two though with the new profile, I was getting around 50% inactive. It's just how things go after a while.

 

You've made improvements to yourself in the last year. You've done things to put yourself in a better position. You're more in line now with who you need to be to meet the right person...than you ever have been. Except you're letting all of your past disappointments taint the process. You're still looking back instead of forward (just like you did when you were dating before you were over your ex).

 

If you keep repeating the same thing over and over, you'll never get different results.

[John John]

When were you going on a few meets a week? Not in the time I've known you on here! And before that...I'm pretty sure it took you a few years to get over your ex- because when I noticed you a few years ago, your posts were still tainted with bitterness and resentment towards her.

 

My guess is, when you were dating a ton, you were still hung up on your ex.

 

Maybe it's time to start a new profile on eH. I did that. At one point I was only getting inactives too- I closed 95% of my matches in the beginning. After a month or two though with the new profile, I was getting around 50% inactive. It's just how things go after a while.

 

You've made improvements to yourself in the last year. You've done things to put yourself in a better position. You're more in line now with who you need to be to meet the right person...than you ever have been. Except you're letting all of your past disappointments taint the process. You're still looking back instead of forward (just like you did when you were dating before you were over your ex).

 

If you keep repeating the same thing over and over, you'll never get different results.

 

 

lol oh faraday, you are always spot on...it's scary.

 

You are right. It took me a very long time to get over my ex. She completely broke my heart. I hated her for a very long time. Now I'm so thankful I'm not with her. But I think that, yeah.... I wasn't ready when I was dating full speed ahead. But yeah...I was at one point dating like it was my primary job, just the way you did. My mistake was doing it while not over the ex and (maybe because of just that) burning out too soon. Maybe I'll start up again at some point. I don't know.

 

Appreciate you acknowledging the progress I made. I'm totally fine with getting tough love (one of my best friends gave it to me recently hehe), but I sorta felt that by you saying "you've been having temper tantrums on here for years" you sort of betrayed the progress that I have made. But I also have been posting on here less frequently than I used to (in the past year, at least), and so I guess when I do post and it IS usually negative, it seems like that's all I do. I don't think people realize how hard I've worked in all facets of my life, in and outside of dating, to build a good life for myself. For me, it's just this one piece that's missing. And it feels out of my control...like, no matter how many dates I go on or how many profiles I have up, it's really down to luck.

 

Still not sure about online dating or even dating right now. Maybe it's best I just throw myself into making new friends or volunteering. I want to help children who've been bullied, and want to somehow implement that.

[LightWave93]

Still not sure about online dating or even dating right now. Maybe it's best I just throw myself into making new friends or volunteering. I want to help children who've been bullied, and want to somehow implement that.

 

How about putting it on the back-burner for a while? Give yourself a break from the frustration and then start again when in a better place mentally.

 

I commend your desire to help children. I want to go into something similar when I leave university. Give it a shot, mate!

[IAmFCA]

ITIC, I know what you mean. I'm not sure I agree only for the fact that I'm not sure the entirety of what you said applies exactly to me (although in theory, yes, I agree with all of what you're saying).

 

I fully support and take care of myself, have my friends, hobbies, family, career, etc. But yet there is this void in my heart that nothing else can fill. To me, there's just no substitute for it. Nothing quite compares. There are a number of needs that are not being met that I'm not able to fulfill myself.

 

No one really understands entirely how I feel. And I don't expect them to, because we're all different. I know how this sounds, and I know everyone is going to keep spewing the same song and dances ("no one completes you, you complete yourself" "You don't need anyone" etc.). I get how my posts come across. May be a lot of things but I'm not an idiot. These are my innermost thoughts. Aside from a very select few people, no one in my life knows how hopeless and lonely I really am. But wait....wait...I know...(and I actually somewhat agree)...I'm sure it seeps out from time to time (guess what, I'm human) and I shouldn't be lonely. Because you can only find a relationship when you're perfectly happy with your life, not lonely, etc.

 

It's paradox I will just never figure out or get past without luck. And I have zero luck. Zero.

 

 

I get what you're saying. "At the end of the day, I want someone with me." Its human, its basic. I get it.

 

I would just say this - paradoxes don't exist. When we see a paradox, then we know there are layers we haven't seen yet, so that we can understand.

 

The paradox here is "you can't find a relationship until you are perfectly happy with your life" and yet one wants a relationship in order to be perfectly happy. To solve this paradox, I suggest you reconsider your idea of happiness.

 

I don't mean to run you around in circles with ideas that aren't concrete. I really don't. It can be so frustrating!

 

What is happiness, JohnJohn? If it is dependent upon the presence of another, then how are we to recover after a loss? How are we to raise our children and set them free to experiment in the world without us? How ever would one move on after the long list of tragedies that befall us? But we are meant to move on. There must be a different answer. There must be a way to be happy, in some deeply personal way, while also missing someone, or missing the presence of someone. Perhaps there is an equation that allows happiness and loneliness to coexist within oneself.

[IAmFCA]

And this is why I love Faraday. She has the (balls) to say the things most of us are too nice to say. With love

 

... breasts, in this case...

[TMifune]

... breasts, in this case...

 

I like the phrase "lady balls" but I can see why women might not as balls sort of presupposes the masculine.

[IAmFCA]

lol oh faraday, you are always spot on...it's scary.

 

You are right. It took me a very long time to get over my ex. She completely broke my heart. I hated her for a very long time. Now I'm so thankful I'm not with her. But I think that, yeah.... I wasn't ready when I was dating full speed ahead. But yeah...I was at one point dating like it was my primary job, just the way you did. My mistake was doing it while not over the ex and (maybe because of just that) burning out too soon. Maybe I'll start up again at some point. I don't know.

 

Appreciate you acknowledging the progress I made. I'm totally fine with getting tough love (one of my best friends gave it to me recently hehe), but I sorta felt that by you saying "you've been having temper tantrums on here for years" you sort of betrayed the progress that I have made. But I also have been posting on here less frequently than I used to (in the past year, at least), and so I guess when I do post and it IS usually negative, it seems like that's all I do. I don't think people realize how hard I've worked in all facets of my life, in and outside of dating, to build a good life for myself. For me, it's just this one piece that's missing. And it feels out of my control...like, no matter how many dates I go on or how many profiles I have up, it's really down to luck.

 

Still not sure about online dating or even dating right now. Maybe it's best I just throw myself into making new friends or volunteering. I want to help children who've been bullied, and want to somehow implement that.

 

Do this AND date. Seriously. When? I don't know, but it IS possible. I go through waves of drinking only water when I go out at night, because otherwise, I will not be able to get my run in early enough the next day. It IS a time crunch, no question. But if that is your goal, do it. That is where happiness lies - stretching toward your visions. So, yes, do it. You will end up dating somehow anyway.

[IAmFCA]

My dad says he thinks that some people out there who are so overtly unlike what our posts make us seem like are this way because they need a "thicker mask" to hide the pain. Maybe that's the case with us! lol. I'm nothing like what my posts make me seem like...although the more I think about it, I'm sure I occasionally say things that betray my bleak outlook on dating.

 

I also want to clarify that while I may surely be having a pity party, I don't think I'm special or have it worse than anyone else. Dating blows for everyone. I never said it didn't. I AM surrounded with people in my life who seem like they just found their significant others much more easily (one guy did two weeks after breaking up with another gf, with new gf for 5 years)...maybe that's why I've been feeling more like this. I've been trying to branch out and make new friends, and I've been following through on that. They just all seem to have someone. And that's rough because then I feel like I can only ask them to do things so often because they will naturally have built in plans with their gf/bfs.

 

Remember when you taught yourself that you are your own benchmark, that comparing yourself to others is self destructive and of no value? So don't do it now. There will always be people who have it easier than you, and harder than you. And in both of those subsets, some whose lives are exactly the opposite of what you see. The ones who have it harder but think it is easy, the ones who have it easy but in secret are battling depression and anxiety and other kinds of chronic pain. When you see people who hit it out of the park after two weeks of single-dom, or who have a great relationship even after years and years - be grateful on their behalf, of course, and hope that their good fortune continues. Remember, it isn't just that they found each other, but also that they are able to sustain a relationship that each finds fulfilling. My friends who look outwardly like they nailed it are, inwardly, managing some real challenges such as infidelity, bankruptcy, addiction, depression. Their relationships are amazing, inspiring. To get there, they have accepted each other through some serious, knee-deep, ish. Some of them never deal with the basic issues, they just keep finding new partners and breaking up every 5 or 10 years.

 

There are so many ways to live this life. In any given moment, each of us looks like a winner. None of us looks like a winner in all moments. Not unless we keep our laundry hidden.

[John John]

I get what you're saying. "At the end of the day, I want someone with me." Its human, its basic. I get it.

 

I would just say this - paradoxes don't exist. When we see a paradox, then we know there are layers we haven't seen yet, so that we can understand.

 

The paradox here is "you can't find a relationship until you are perfectly happy with your life" and yet one wants a relationship in order to be perfectly happy. To solve this paradox, I suggest you reconsider your idea of happiness.

 

I don't mean to run you around in circles with ideas that aren't concrete. I really don't. It can be so frustrating!

 

What is happiness, JohnJohn? If it is dependent upon the presence of another, then how are we to recover after a loss? How are we to raise our children and set them free to experiment in the world without us? How ever would one move on after the long list of tragedies that befall us? But we are meant to move on. There must be a different answer. There must be a way to be happy, in some deeply personal way, while also missing someone, or missing the presence of someone. Perhaps there is an equation that allows happiness and loneliness to coexist within oneself.

 

Do this AND date. Seriously. When? I don't know, but it IS possible. I go through waves of drinking only water when I go out at night, because otherwise, I will not be able to get my run in early enough the next day. It IS a time crunch, no question. But if that is your goal, do it. That is where happiness lies - stretching toward your visions. So, yes, do it. You will end up dating somehow anyway.

 

Remember when you taught yourself that you are your own benchmark, that comparing yourself to others is self destructive and of no value? So don't do it now. There will always be people who have it easier than you, and harder than you. And in both of those subsets, some whose lives are exactly the opposite of what you see. The ones who have it harder but think it is easy, the ones who have it easy but in secret are battling depression and anxiety and other kinds of chronic pain. When you see people who hit it out of the park after two weeks of single-dom, or who have a great relationship even after years and years - be grateful on their behalf, of course, and hope that their good fortune continues. Remember, it isn't just that they found each other, but also that they are able to sustain a relationship that each finds fulfilling. My friends who look outwardly like they nailed it are, inwardly, managing some real challenges such as infidelity, bankruptcy, addiction, depression. Their relationships are amazing, inspiring. To get there, they have accepted each other through some serious, knee-deep, ish. Some of them never deal with the basic issues, they just keep finding new partners and breaking up every 5 or 10 years.

 

There are so many ways to live this life. In any given moment, each of us looks like a winner. None of us looks like a winner in all moments. Not unless we keep our laundry hidden.

 

 

Thank you ITIC. I have to somehow get to a point where I am entirely happy on my own. Just not sure how to do that. That's the million dollar question. To just not feel as lonely as I have been.

 

No more online dating, at least for now. I think I will focus on other things and just see if anyone comes my way that way. Naturally/organically.

[LightWave93]

We have complete confidence in you, John John.

[IAmFCA]

JJ, you are rocking it. You share with us the boogey man stuff that hides underneath the bed. Meanwhile, you are out there doing your thing.

 

When you want to stare that boogeyman in the face, ask yourself this:

 

How does being unhappy serve me?

 

Because it does, else you would have changed it already. You have all the tools at your disposal. Something about being unhappy is useful to you, in some way, at some level. Find the way being unhappy is useful to you, and think about whether that logic is still useful to you. If not, replace it with some new logic of your choosing.

 

And, please do consider that loneliness and happiness can coexist within you, and what would have to be true for that to happen.

[LoveSoDeep]

I'm gone for a few days and I miss a whole new journal!

 

JJ I'm sorry it didn't work out as expected with this new gal. Sometimes OLD just wears us down and if that's how you're feeling right now then I think you're right to give it a rest. Don;t stop dating altogether but give OLD a rest. Try meetups, or volunteering, or pick up a new hobby those are all great ways to meet new people organically that you may end up dating.

 

I know it gets old when you're using OLD and no one seems to match up to the personality or the pictures that you see on-line it's pretty rare to fins someone who syncs up completely....but then sometimes the people who don't sync up turn out to be wonderful in other ways.

 

The guy I'm currently dating I met on a dating app and it must have been fate. One day I decided to just message a few guys....not my usual MO but I thought I'd try it. He's not 100% my type but his smile just seems so genuine and we had a few superficial things in common so I shot him a message. I figured he probably wouldn't respond because he's 5 years younger than I am but I had decided I was just going to do it...turns out he actually looks for older women when he's dating. There were a lot of reasons I might never have chosen him to contact but in the end it was just his smile (couldn't see his hair, height wasn't a data point that was given on this app, heck I wasn't even sure what his ethnicity was - but I decided to just not care and go with it) ....but honestly I have found when I'm just drawn to someone because of their smile it's just a better place to start.

 

Sometimes those little things that catch your attention...like a smile are easier to find in person....so I say maybe this is the perfect time for you to be on the lookout in real life. If that's going to be your course for a bit the don't pass people by....like the gal in the coffee shop...you assumed she had a b/f...don't just assume. When I am in a relationship and a man approaches me and is polite about (which I know you would be) it's never a big deal to have been asked if I'm "taken"...so just ask.

[John John]

I'm gone for a few days and I miss a whole new journal!

 

JJ I'm sorry it didn't work out as expected with this new gal. Sometimes OLD just wears us down and if that's how you're feeling right now then I think you're right to give it a rest. Don;t stop dating altogether but give OLD a rest. Try meetups, or volunteering, or pick up a new hobby those are all great ways to meet new people organically that you may end up dating.

 

I know it gets old when you're using OLD and no one seems to match up to the personality or the pictures that you see on-line it's pretty rare to fins someone who syncs up completely....but then sometimes the people who don't sync up turn out to be wonderful in other ways.

 

The guy I'm currently dating I met on a dating app and it must have been fate. One day I decided to just message a few guys....not my usual MO but I thought I'd try it. He's not 100% my type but his smile just seems so genuine and we had a few superficial things in common so I shot him a message. I figured he probably wouldn't respond because he's 5 years younger than I am but I had decided I was just going to do it...turns out he actually looks for older women when he's dating. There were a lot of reasons I might never have chosen him to contact but in the end it was just his smile (couldn't see his hair, height wasn't a data point that was given on this app, heck I wasn't even sure what his ethnicity was - but I decided to just not care and go with it) ....but honestly I have found when I'm just drawn to someone because of their smile it's just a better place to start.

 

Sometimes those little things that catch your attention...like a smile are easier to find in person....so I say maybe this is the perfect time for you to be on the lookout in real life. If that's going to be your course for a bit the don't pass people by....like the gal in the coffee shop...you assumed she had a b/f...don't just assume. When I am in a relationship and a man approaches me and is polite about (which I know you would be) it's never a big deal to have been asked if I'm "taken"...so just ask.

 

LSD! Thank you for the support. I briefly read through your journal. Very happy to see that things are going well still with the new guy in your life

 

I've hit on a number of women the past few months in real life. I can make conversation with anyone anywhere. They're just always taken (unless they're lying to me because they don't like me, that's a possibility too!). It's hard to know. This girl was friendly but didn't seem like she was in any way slowing herself down to even give me the opportunity to approach her. I just didn't get "ask for my number!" vibes from her, so figured I wouldn't bother.

 

LSD, not you, but sometimes I feel like people misinterpret things I say and have this impression of me that I'm only emailing 10's (which is hilarious, because I tend to outright reject the 9/10's, they're out of my league anyway, I have no business dating women like that), or that I give up so easily, or that I think I'm (or my problems) are special, or that I'm so cruel and it must be my fault for no woman measuring up. None of this is true. I've put in a lot of hard work, have gone on a ton of dates (but have slowed the rate down significantly), have tried dating outside my type (I'm more into brunettes now - go figure!), have been making new friends. I haven't been sitting around idly having temper tantrums on ENA, but of course, that's the way it seems because I do tend to use ENA as a place to discuss my deepest most inner thoughts...

 

I do think I am going to take a break from online dating. Maybe dating in general. I have a vacation coming up. Going outwest with a relative and doing a lot of hiking and sight seeing. So at least I have that to look forward to.

 

I have to somehow just be happy with the idea that I might not ever meet anyone. I just don't know how to do that...because the truth of the matter is, no matter what else I have, there will always be that void. But....this is the million dollar question, the unsolvable rubik's cube...

 

Very happy for you LSD!

[WithLove]

Whoa whoa whoa. Who told you that 10s were out of your league?? They are dead wrong.

[John John]

Whoa whoa whoa. Who told you that 10s were out of your league?? They are dead wrong.

 

lol love ya WithLove

 

Leagues don't necessarily exist in the sense that "we all MUST date our 'equals' " because what each of us deem our "equals" or what we find attractive is subjective.

 

That being said, I still think people generally end up with someone around their "level," for lack of a better term. I have a general idea of what my "level" is. I don't think I'd be comfortable dating a woman that attractive. Perhaps people might label that a confidence issue within me? I don't really think so.

 

I also look at the overall package. I'd much, much rather marry a "7" (whatever that means) who is a sweet, kind, loyal and giving person than a "9" who has the personality of a door knob.