JJ's Diary of Dating

[WithLove]

I'm like a solid 4, but at Walmart I'm at least a 6.

[WithLove]

I get what you mean by dating someone your "level". I like to think mine has risen over the years, though. My first bf I'd call a 2 or 3.... which is mean, I know.... but I thought I would never get someone better. Glad to say my next few boyfriends were much better. One of them was a sexy Latin man... I still think he's at least an 8, way more attractive than me. Also probably the best lover

[John John]

I'm like a solid 4, but at Walmart I'm at least a 6.

 

Haha you are way above that WL. I've seen your pictures

[LightWave93]

You're both attractive.

[WithLove]

Lol oh you guys.

[LoveSoDeep]

LSD! Thank you for the support. I briefly read through your journal. Very happy to see that things are going well still with the new guy in your life

 

I've hit on a number of women the past few months in real life. I can make conversation with anyone anywhere. They're just always taken (unless they're lying to me because they don't like me, that's a possibility too!). It's hard to know. This girl was friendly but didn't seem like she was in any way slowing herself down to even give me the opportunity to approach her. I just didn't get "ask for my number!" vibes from her, so figured I wouldn't bother.

 

LSD, not you, but sometimes I feel like people misinterpret things I say and have this impression of me that I'm only emailing 10's (which is hilarious, because I tend to outright reject the 9/10's, they're out of my league anyway, I have no business dating women like that), or that I give up so easily, or that I think I'm (or my problems) are special, or that I'm so cruel and it must be my fault for no woman measuring up. None of this is true. I've put in a lot of hard work, have gone on a ton of dates (but have slowed the rate down significantly), have tried dating outside my type (I'm more into brunettes now - go figure!), have been making new friends. I haven't been sitting around idly having temper tantrums on ENA, but of course, that's the way it seems because I do tend to use ENA as a place to discuss my deepest most inner thoughts...

 

I do think I am going to take a break from online dating. Maybe dating in general. I have a vacation coming up. Going outwest with a relative and doing a lot of hiking and sight seeing. So at least I have that to look forward to.

 

I have to somehow just be happy with the idea that I might not ever meet anyone. I just don't know how to do that...because the truth of the matter is, no matter what else I have, there will always be that void. But....this is the million dollar question, the unsolvable rubik's cube...

 

Very happy for you LSD!

 

Oh, I'm right there with you JJ I know people say all sorts of things about me and my choices in who I date...I catch flack daily for saying I usually don't date short men or men who are bald....or whatever else. When it's in black and white it's easy to mis-interpret. I know that...I think people here know that too, but all they have to go on is how they react to what is written. It's tough to feel misunderstood though. I too use ENA as a place to vent and share, and yes sometimes I'm not sharing my happiest moments and people think I'm just a negative Nelly.....that happens to all of us here occasionally (I would guess).

 

We all go through phases (some of us longer than others) where no matter what we try we just don't meet the right person (and no one knows who that right person is but you....and there are some qualities that you just can't explain here on ENA that you just need and when you can't describe them in words....you try and you fail....and feel even more misunderstood). No one knows why these barren phases happen....they just do. People can say it's because you're not ready or you don't love yourself or a whole host of other things but honestly sometimes it is just dumb luck.

 

You do not have to be happy with the idea that you could be alone forever...There's no reason to accept that as a possibility if you want something else and are willing to work for it. You may need to accept that you may not find this person on a timeline you control....and that's hard to do as well, but I know you can do it. I've had to come to terms with that myself.

 

You'll do just fine. Take some time off while you're on vacation focus on the activities and spending time with your relative just be present in the moment and take the pressure of looking for a relationship out of the picture for a bit. That might help you refocus when you come back home.

[LightWave93]

We all go through phases (some of us longer than others) where no matter what we try we just don't meet the right person (and no one knows who that right person is but you....and there are some qualities that you just can't explain here on ENA that you just need and when you can't describe them in words....you try and you fail....and feel even more misunderstood). No one knows why these barren phases happen....they just do. People can say it's because you're not ready or you don't love yourself or a whole host of other things but honestly sometimes it is just dumb luck.

 

LoveSoDeep is very right here, JJ!

 

I come on here moaning about how I can't get a date or a hookup; sure I'd much much MUCH rather have a relationship than a casual fling but at my age I'll take whatever experience I can get...Yet I visit a number of other forums and I see people far more attractive, outgoing, caring, intelligent, mature etc who have had nothing. Not a thing. Not a kiss, not a cuddle, not even the holding of hands. It really puts things into perspective.

 

That's the thing though. Good men and women have these phases in life. Some may have this misfortune for the rest of their lives, but the vast majority won't. We can't control what happens, only steer things slightly into a direction we want them to go in. As I said in one of my previous posts, you're far better off than the people who choose to live in their misery and do nothing. You have a life, John John, and it means something. It means a lot! But until then you've just got to keep moving forward through all the crappy experiences until you find that diamond in the rough. I remember when I was a young lad I believed 100% I would never find a partner, and yet I found one totally out of the blue in a place I never thought possible. It just happens mate, and you have done everything you could possibly do to make that happen for you. You have gone further than many would. I think now is time to sit back and look at what you've accomplished, take a break from the cesspit that is online dating and just...have faith. Of course, this doesn't detract from how you feel. That sense of loneliness is still going to be there even when you do understand the situation, and I wish I could help with that buddy, I really do. I say cut yourself some lack, enjoy that vacation (and take some nice pics!), leave all the troubles behind for however long you're gone and then come back for a brand new start!

 

4000 miles away a young 23 year old lad genuinely smiles the few times he sees your profile picture. Imagine the effect you will have on the right woman some day.

[IAmFCA]

JJ, Its cool that so many of us are quite enthusiastic about you, caring about your happiness, wanting to offer road maps, understanding, support, whatever we've got. It warms my soul to see that energy blossom in your thread.

 

I was thinking about the gal in the cafe. I have wondered about that very situation in my own life. It has happened a few times that I meet someone, and I think, I wish he asked me for a way to follow up! Yet, I neither invite someone to ask to see me again, offer my own information, nor ask him for his. Why? Somewhere along the way, I learned not to. I learned to adopt a behavior that says "I will chat with you while we are here, in this coffee line, but as a rule, I will not invite you to see me again." I don't know why that is. Something about learning not to be too available, to keep a protective fence around me that is as impenetrable as I am friendly.

 

This is even creepier. If I see you in the same place, over and over again, I will warm up to you and be open to an actual meet up. Now that's weird. What if you keep going to the same place because you're a stalker who is obsessed with me? I like to think that it means you are a reliable person with a set of predictable habits, and that you have been interested in me for a while, so that I must not be a passing fancy.

 

Its odd. Not many dating connections have resulted from random introductions in my life, that's for sure. One, from an athletic event. In the past 10 years, that might be the only one.

 

Make no assumptions about CSG (coffee shop gal). In an urban environment, we go out the door with our smiles on, worn on top of our shields. Who knows why she didn't give over. You are hot. She probably went home to her friends and was like, WHY DIDN'T I GIVE HIM MY NUMBER?? That's happened to me and my friends 1,000 x. Just this weekend my friend connected with a perfect match. Danced with him. Got distracted. He of course wandered off. She was like, Where did he go?? Doh.

 

Sometimes, there are lots of willing and able parties, and nobody around to make them close the deal. Its just that simple.

[WithLove]

She probably was like "he's really out of my league, I won't even try".

 

Sounds familiar.

[IAmFCA]

She probably was like "he's really out of my league, I won't even try".

 

Sounds familiar.

 

Oh my gosh SO true.

[John John]

LoveSoDeep is very right here, JJ!

 

I come on here moaning about how I can't get a date or a hookup; sure I'd much much MUCH rather have a relationship than a casual fling but at my age I'll take whatever experience I can get...Yet I visit a number of other forums and I see people far more attractive, outgoing, caring, intelligent, mature etc who have had nothing. Not a thing. Not a kiss, not a cuddle, not even the holding of hands. It really puts things into perspective.

 

That's the thing though. Good men and women have these phases in life. Some may have this misfortune for the rest of their lives, but the vast majority won't. We can't control what happens, only steer things slightly into a direction we want them to go in. As I said in one of my previous posts, you're far better off than the people who choose to live in their misery and do nothing. You have a life, John John, and it means something. It means a lot! But until then you've just got to keep moving forward through all the crappy experiences until you find that diamond in the rough. I remember when I was a young lad I believed 100% I would never find a partner, and yet I found one totally out of the blue in a place I never thought possible. It just happens mate, and you have done everything you could possibly do to make that happen for you. You have gone further than many would. I think now is time to sit back and look at what you've accomplished, take a break from the cesspit that is online dating and just...have faith. Of course, this doesn't detract from how you feel. That sense of loneliness is still going to be there even when you do understand the situation, and I wish I could help with that buddy, I really do. I say cut yourself some lack, enjoy that vacation (and take some nice pics!), leave all the troubles behind for however long you're gone and then come back for a brand new start!

 

4000 miles away a young 23 year old lad genuinely smiles the few times he sees your profile picture. Imagine the effect you will have on the right woman some day.

 

lol my I'm glad my profile pic on here makes you happy! haha. And thank you for what you said. I don't quite know what to do. My eHarmony profile runs out mid August, and it's only $10 a month. Part of me feels like I should keep it, but then I really can't get excited about it at the moment. So I don't know. My daily/weekly routine just isn't that conducive to meeting women in real life. I've been trying to make new friends in order to get out more in order to improve this, but even that isn't always a piece of cake, and all of my new friends (within the past year that I've made) are in LTRs too. So they're only available to go out so much.

 

 

JJ, Its cool that so many of us are quite enthusiastic about you, caring about your happiness, wanting to offer road maps, understanding, support, whatever we've got. It warms my soul to see that energy blossom in your thread.

 

I was thinking about the gal in the cafe. I have wondered about that very situation in my own life. It has happened a few times that I meet someone, and I think, I wish he asked me for a way to follow up! Yet, I neither invite someone to ask to see me again, offer my own information, nor ask him for his. Why? Somewhere along the way, I learned not to. I learned to adopt a behavior that says "I will chat with you while we are here, in this coffee line, but as a rule, I will not invite you to see me again." I don't know why that is. Something about learning not to be too available, to keep a protective fence around me that is as impenetrable as I am friendly.

 

This is even creepier. If I see you in the same place, over and over again, I will warm up to you and be open to an actual meet up. Now that's weird. What if you keep going to the same place because you're a stalker who is obsessed with me? I like to think that it means you are a reliable person with a set of predictable habits, and that you have been interested in me for a while, so that I must not be a passing fancy.

 

Its odd. Not many dating connections have resulted from random introductions in my life, that's for sure. One, from an athletic event. In the past 10 years, that might be the only one.

 

Make no assumptions about CSG (coffee shop gal). In an urban environment, we go out the door with our smiles on, worn on top of our shields. Who knows why she didn't give over. You are hot. She probably went home to her friends and was like, WHY DIDN'T I GIVE HIM MY NUMBER?? That's happened to me and my friends 1,000 x. Just this weekend my friend connected with a perfect match. Danced with him. Got distracted. He of course wandered off. She was like, Where did he go?? Doh.

 

Sometimes, there are lots of willing and able parties, and nobody around to make them close the deal. Its just that simple.

 

lol. Well thank you for calling me hot ITIC. You are too. I know what you look like, and your bf is a lucky man. Not to mention the fact that you're friggin brilliant. Probably too smart.

 

There was a split second where I was going to make a move. But she was super pretty, and while very friendly, I just didn't the "I'm single, hit on me, ask for my number!" vibes. Although it was close. She pretty much got her coffee and then headed out.

 

She probably was like "he's really out of my league, I won't even try".

 

Sounds familiar.

 

Oh my gosh SO true.

 

I was NOT out of this girl's league! UGH it's just that the last few times I've tried approaching women in real life, they've had boyfriends. Without a ring, it's hard to tell, and I just feel like most women I'm attracted to are probably already scooped up by some other guy. I know I shouldn't make those assumptions and that's not fair...but a lot of guys do this.

 

Two of my other friends just announced they're having kids (both their second kids). Very happy for them. But of course, it saddens me. I want to stop doing online dating. I just need more ways to meet women in real life. It sounds so easy, but it's not. Even as a native, this city is overwhelming in ways that I can't quite articulate.

 

I recognize this is largely out of my control. Even if I start going back to what Faraday (and I at one point) use to do - as many dates as possible in the shortest time frame as possible - there's no guarantee. Maybe after the summer I'll revisit that as an option.

[John John]

Oh, I'm right there with you JJ I know people say all sorts of things about me and my choices in who I date...I catch flack daily for saying I usually don't date short men or men who are bald....or whatever else. When it's in black and white it's easy to mis-interpret. I know that...I think people here know that too, but all they have to go on is how they react to what is written. It's tough to feel misunderstood though. I too use ENA as a place to vent and share, and yes sometimes I'm not sharing my happiest moments and people think I'm just a negative Nelly.....that happens to all of us here occasionally (I would guess).

 

We all go through phases (some of us longer than others) where no matter what we try we just don't meet the right person (and no one knows who that right person is but you....and there are some qualities that you just can't explain here on ENA that you just need and when you can't describe them in words....you try and you fail....and feel even more misunderstood). No one knows why these barren phases happen....they just do. People can say it's because you're not ready or you don't love yourself or a whole host of other things but honestly sometimes it is just dumb luck.

 

You do not have to be happy with the idea that you could be alone forever...There's no reason to accept that as a possibility if you want something else and are willing to work for it. You may need to accept that you may not find this person on a timeline you control....and that's hard to do as well, but I know you can do it. I've had to come to terms with that myself.

 

You'll do just fine. Take some time off while you're on vacation focus on the activities and spending time with your relative just be present in the moment and take the pressure of looking for a relationship out of the picture for a bit. That might help you refocus when you come back home.

 

Haha I know I've probably given you some grief for saying that in the past. I guess I was vulnerable to that at the time because I sometimes hid behind that as an excuse. But that's not the reason at all. I'm not that short, and I get dates just fine. I just haven't met right woman yet (if she is out there). So I'm over that. Progress (for those who seem to think I'm in the exact same spot because I'm still having periodic pity parties (how's that for alliteration!)...). As ITIC put it, this is where I talk about the boogeyman stuff that's underneath my bed. I am not at all this overtly depressed in real life. Yes - I will concede that I'm sure it does seep out from time to time, because I'm not perfect. But if I were as bad as my posts might leave some to believe, I'd have no friends and would never even get dates. So that's the difference.

 

You are right. I honestly feel like it's just dumb luck. But sometimes I wonder if that's even true, and if it's just a matter of me trucking alone on the marathon of online dates. I don't know. I've been through a lot in the past almost four years...bad breakup, sick mother, death of two grandparents, and other stuff I won't talk about on here ... sometimes I just wish I had someone to lean on during all of this. Of course I've made it through on my own...but it would be nice. Or it would have been nice.

[notalady]

It's probably a good idea to take a break if you feel so discouraged by the process.

 

I tried eharmony briefly and because of the lack of matches in my area, I didn't end up continuing. I use OKC and another popular paid local dating site, I think being on different sites help, because while there are some overlap, I met a lot of guys who were on one but not the other, my current bf included. I also went to meet ups, which I didn't enjoy entirely but it was fine and I did meet a now good friend (female) so that's awesome. But basically, I tried to put myself in all places (online and offline) that I can potentially meet someone rather than doing the same old thing and hanging out with the same people all the time.

 

Other than being the right person, I think it IS to a degree just luck. You and the person who is right for you just both happen to be at the same place at the same time, how lucky is that? I feel that way sometimes about having met my boyfriend, because I had only just broken up with my ex (only 6 months relationship) for a few weeks and he had just moved to my city for a few months, just settled in and got online and BAM, we met. If I didn't break up with my ex, if he didn't move, if we didn't happen to be on the same website at the same time, we wouldn't have met, and that would've been a damn shame because he's just awesome and I think he's the one for me.

 

So I think yes take a break but also put yourself in the way of as many places with opportunities to meet people as possible whether it's online or real life when you've had time off and feel recharged. Don't give up!

[notalady]

Btw your journal reminds me of this song/animation

[IAmFCA]

Btw your journal reminds me of this song/animation ]

 

Loved this just now!

[LightWave93]

I've been through a lot in the past almost four years...bad breakup, sick mother, death of two grandparents, and other stuff I won't talk about on here ... sometimes I just wish I had someone to lean on during all of this.

 

Oh dude, I'm so sorry you've had to go through all this. *big hug* Your situation is too familiar with my own, so I feel I can relate.

 

Life is very difficult. I can only hope you continue to find the strength to plod on, because good things will eventually come your way! Until then, rant on eNotAlone for as long as you'd like!

[John John]

Btw your journal reminds me of this song/animation ]

 

For some reason this makes me sad. LOL I don't know why. It just does.

[IAmFCA]

For some reason this makes me sad. LOL I don't know why. It just does.

 

Perhaps because the wait involved.

[John John]

Perhaps because the wait involved.

 

Yeah, I think that's why. Well, it's out of my control. It's mostly based on luck. Nothing I can do about luck.

[imsuperman]

One thing nobody tells you when you're younger is: Most attractive women have boyfriends most of the time.

 

I was amazed at the women in NYC. So many really beautiful ones.

 

I know what you mean about meeting women in real life. I won't try OLD, because I just think it's too much work and low percentage.

 

But I basically go to work, hit the gym, then go home so...

[John John]

One thing nobody tells you when you're younger is: Most attractive women have boyfriends most of the time.

 

I was amazed at the women in NYC. So many really beautiful ones.

 

I know what you mean about meeting women in real life. I won't try OLD, because I just think it's too much work and low percentage.

 

But I basically go to work, hit the gym, then go home so...

 

Agreed on all fronts. That's why when an attractive woman is friendly but doesn't quite give off vibes that lead me to believe she's single, I won't bother.

 

And my schedule is similar. Just need to fix that. Or eventually go back to online dating...

[Blue Spiral]

One thing nobody tells you when you're younger is: Most attractive women have boyfriends most of the time.

 

And a ton of "platonic friends" who would love to be her boyfriend. Orbiter types, essentially.

[LoveSoDeep]

Haha I know I've probably given you some grief for saying that in the past. I guess I was vulnerable to that at the time because I sometimes hid behind that as an excuse. But that's not the reason at all. I'm not that short, and I get dates just fine. I just haven't met right woman yet (if she is out there). So I'm over that. Progress (for those who seem to think I'm in the exact same spot because I'm still having periodic pity parties (how's that for alliteration!)...). As ITIC put it, this is where I talk about the boogeyman stuff that's underneath my bed. I am not at all this overtly depressed in real life. Yes - I will concede that I'm sure it does seep out from time to time, because I'm not perfect. But if I were as bad as my posts might leave some to believe, I'd have no friends and would never even get dates. So that's the difference.

 

You are right. I honestly feel like it's just dumb luck. But sometimes I wonder if that's even true, and if it's just a matter of me trucking alone on the marathon of online dates. I don't know. I've been through a lot in the past almost four years...bad breakup, sick mother, death of two grandparents, and other stuff I won't talk about on here ... sometimes I just wish I had someone to lean on during all of this. Of course I've made it through on my own...but it would be nice. Or it would have been nice.

 

No worries. I was never upset when people questioned my choices it did however get annoying because I never felt I adequately described my reasoning here....maybe that's just not possible - who knows. I find that most people who are upset with your choices when dating aren't mad at you but at society at large that acts exactly as you do. We're not alone in our preferences. Like others have said if it were as simple as making one tiny change (say loosening up your preferences a little) we'd all be happily in love. Sometime the advice you get here or anywhere, good or bad, just isn't enough. It's only a piece of the puzzle.

 

I hear ya, if I let all this junk out in daily conversation no one would ever talk to me either! And that's not the case....actually that makes me feel a bit guilty about unloading on everyone here. You all deserve a medal! LOL

 

It's part dumb luck and part being in the right spot mentally and emotionally. I think right now you're not in a good spot mentally/emotionally...you're discouraged and unhappy with the whole process and no amount of luck can really override that. When you're in a place like that it's really hard to meet anyone. Take a break while you're on vacation, let the discouragement dissipate then come back when you're ready and see if luck is on your side.

[LoveSoDeep]

Agreed on all fronts. That's why when an attractive woman is friendly but doesn't quite give off vibes that lead me to believe she's single, I won't bother.

 

And my schedule is similar. Just need to fix that. Or eventually go back to online dating...

 

I just have to say that it never hurts to ask. Even when I'm not single, if a guy asks for my number I feel flattered and I'm not in the last bit upset that he asked. It makes me smile and feel good about myself and if you look at it as "Even if I don't get her number maybe I can make her day." then maybe it'll be worth it because either way you're not going to fail. Change the focus a little...sure you want her number, but think of it like this: if she ends up having a b/f or is just not interested then its just a random act of kindness.

 

Lots of men in NYC do this. I swear I got hit on left and right when I was there. Some guys were over the top or just rude but many were just genuinely telling me they thought I was beautiful...if that got me to stop and talk to them (which it didn't because I was only visiting and not looking for a fling...but if I lived there and the right guy tried it it would probably work) great, if not they seemed happy just to see me smile at their attempt

 

I've been told that I give off a "not single vibe" I have no idea what that means but that explains why almost no one ever actually approaches me IRL. They all think 'She must have a b/f." When I do have a b/f that's fine....when I don't it's really kind of annoying.

[John John]

I just have to say that it never hurts to ask. Even when I'm not single, if a guy asks for my number I feel flattered and I'm not in the last bit upset that he asked. It makes me smile and feel good about myself and if you look at it as "Even if I don't get her number maybe I can make her day." then maybe it'll be worth it because either way you're not going to fail. Change the focus a little...sure you want her number, but think of it like this: if she ends up having a b/f or is just not interested then its just a random act of kindness.

 

Lots of men in NYC do this. I swear I got hit on left and right when I was there. Some guys were over the top or just rude but many were just genuinely telling me they thought I was beautiful...if that got me to stop and talk to them (which it didn't because I was only visiting and not looking for a fling...but if I lived there and the right guy tried it it would probably work) great, if not they seemed happy just to see me smile at their attempt

 

I've been told that I give off a "not single vibe" I have no idea what that means but that explains why almost no one ever actually approaches me IRL. They all think 'She must have a b/f." When I do have a b/f that's fine....when I don't it's really kind of annoying.

 

Hmm...I never thought of it that way. That it would be a "random act of kindness" if I ask for a girl's number but she has a bf. At least she gets a compliment out of it! Good point.

 

I did a volunteer event with my firm today. Met some new people at my firm that I don't work directly with. Ended up getting this girl's number. It was funny...we found each other talking to each other as the day was winding down and we were having a late lunch. We were talking about how we both try to avoid carbs lol. And then we spoke about our upbringings, where we went to college and grew up, etc. As we went back to the city, she sat next to me on the train. I said I needed to find the nearest Starbucks, and she said "I'll show you where it is when we get there." So I kinda figured at that point. But then this guy kept budding in and talking to us. He followed us once we got there, but I just pulled her away and asked for her a number. We texted a bit this evening and are hanging out next Tuesday night. She's pretty cute (got to see her in yoga pants today since we were doing physical labor ), but my only concern is that she's only 25. But trying not to think about any of that!

 

Onward!