JJ's Diary of Dating

[imsuperman]

I was in the UK last year for about 6 weeks. I dated this cute Brit while I was there. Love girls with British accents

 

If I'm ever in the UK again, I will let you know. I had fun when I was there. Everyone loved my NY accent (although I don't think my accent is that thick...)

 

The last day I was in NYC I was totally in love with our waitress at breakfast. She had the NY accent!

[John John]

The last day I was in NYC I was totally in love with our waitress at breakfast. She had the NY accent!

 

Hahaha! I don't really say things like "Wat-uh" (water) or "Dinnuh" (dinner)...I pronounce my "ers." But certain words, like "exhausted" I'll sometimes pronounce "ex-HAW-sted." When I'm tired, drunk or angry, my accent tends to come out more.

[LightWave93]

American accents just stand-out.

 

Then again, so does mine. Everyone says I'm a posh Brummy. I didn't think it were possible.

[WithLove]

Brits get all the girls here. It's the accent. *swoon*

 

I'd like to think I don't have much of an accent... I take the time to enunciate everything... Because I know that I have a very slight southern drawl. It's more prominent after visiting family and sometimes I accidentally let a "y'all" slip out.

[LightWave93]

Brits get all the girls here. It's the accent. *swoon*

 

I'm on my way!!!!

[John John]

A weird feeling just came over me (at least, it's the first time I'm thinking about it today). It's something I have felt for some time now, and I've mostly hid it from others (with the exception of my family and some very close friends).

 

I've been trying to shake this feeling of loneliness that I've had for a while now, and I'm having a hard time. I'm trying to be positive and upbeat, and even excited about dating and being single. When I left my friends Saturday evening (we all left the bar together, since we all live so close to each other), after we went our separate ways, even though we just had spent close to three hours together...I felt really lonely. I think it was because I knew they all have someone to go home to, and I don't. And since all of my local friends are relatively new friends (and have gfs), I'm not always comfortable blowing up their phones to hang out, as I don't want to seem too needy and then scare them away (as you would a date). One guy I know for about a year now and I'm pretty close with him, but him and his fiancé are getting married in October, so he only has so much time to hang out (but we do). All of my other friends my age from college are married and have started moving away (and I don't have much in common with them anymore, so just keep in touch with one guy I was particularly close with in college). And my other lifelong friends aren't exactly around the corner (maybe 30 minutes away, not bad), so can't just call them up and walk over.

 

I've been noticing a pattern. Saturday evenings have been weird lately. If I stay home alone with my healthy fro-yo on my couch, I sometimes feel like a total loser. And if I go out with people who are all coupled up (even if their significant others aren't all there with us), I live in the moment and have a great time...but then find myself just feeling bad when it's over. And Sundays I always get the Sunday blues, but that's a combination of the weekend ending and looking back (on that weekend) and thinking that I wish I had someone to just walk around the neighborhood in flip flops, get brunch with or just hang out at home.

 

I will say I'm trying to learn from all of this. I'm trying to grow through the loneliness. It's painful. I know in the past I got way too comfortable, and I won't ever make that mistake again. I'm far from perfect and have battled depression in the past (it runs in my family), and I'm more mindful of it now. I somehow managed a 5 year relationship with a woman who was emotionally high maintenance (her own father's words), so I'm hoping that was sort of my "boot camp," and the next one will work better.

 

I'm trying to hold out hope that there is a woman out there for me that I will be crazy about on all levels who feels exactly the same about me. Maybe she's lonely too and also looking for someone to lean on and give her heart to.

[LightWave93]

JJ,

 

I'd like to think I understand and can relate to you in some way, and I really wish there was something I could say or do to help. There's always going to be times when single where you feel like you're missing out, where you wish there was someone right beside you who you could talk and snuggle up to, and of course you're going to feel that way if you're out with friends who are all coupled up and experiencing their own successes. It's only natural. The thing is though you ARE experiencing your own successes in dating, albeit not the successes you want, but it's only a matter of time before you do eventually come across someone who you click with. There's also plenty of single people out there, you're certainly not a total loser. Think stepping stones, not the bigger picture; that's one of the things I've read about in one of my self-help books and I believe it does promote a much healthier perspective on one's life.

 

I know it's hard buddy, but you will get there. You've just got to stay positive, as hard as that is!

[reinventmyself]

Hey JJ, I'm going through the same thing right now but my situation is a little different seeing I just got out of a relationship so the void is fresh.

I've been here before and I chosen not to date for periods of time for this very reason. My goal was to be ok by myself. Sounds easy. Heck no! I get that it's natural to want to have a companion and I don't beat myself up for that. But the reality for me is that I don't make good choices in partners if I come from a place of loneliness. I honestly resist dating when I am feeling the way you at this time for that very reason.

I don't trust myself.

 

There's a crude saying `When you're hungry, you'll eat anything'

 

But I am seeing that you aren't at risk of this because you are making conscious decision to pass on dates that you deem not suitable, so give yourself credit for this! You are ahead of most.

 

So this is your challenge. . from where I sit. Or maybe I am projecting. I read an article about being on your own and `dating' yourself.

You have to go into with a positive mindset. I might pick a day where I get a massage, buy new shoes, eat a lunch at the beach and go to the gym, sit in the bathtub with a glass of wine, light a candle and curl up with a movie and think to myself with a silly grin. . 'I had a great day"

You have to push yourself and it seems counterintuitive. I get the urge to sit in front of the tv on a Saturday and feel pathetic because guess what I was doing Saturday?? So I get it. I think when you are younger the whole `Saturday night' thing holds a lot more weight.

 

You date yourself until it feels right. You continue spending time with your friends, you fill the void with social groups making more friends. You make a conscious effort to recognize all the single people amongst you but I think the odds are there are more than they are taken.

Your goal is to fill the void and in those moments alone you write down a list of things you love to do that you can do on your own.

AND then you when you get good at it, you consider dating. I in the past have gotten so good at I didn't know where to fit a date in, let alone a relationship.

Your mindset will be totally different. You go into it from a place of contentment and having to it share with someone is only a bonus.

Coming from a place of deficiency leads us down the wrong path.

If you can come across the video `the secret'. (I have the book, it's not the same) It's pretty enlightening how our mindsets bring the very things we do and don't want into our lives. It's on Netflix. I've watched it a dozen times and walk away each time saying `yes!' I get it! (some of it's over the top but the message is good)

I think this is your challenge right now.

Consider it for a moment

[WithLove]

Don't you have an attractive, active, smart, available woman that one of your friends can introduce you to?

[reinventmyself]

. .my best friend is somewhat like you at the moment. Her life has been on hold for years, believing she is denied happiness until someone else comes into her life. She seriously doesn't get enjoyment out of anything.

It's really sad.

I know more unhappy people in relationships than otherwise. . so there!

[John John]

. .my best friend is somewhat like you at the moment. Her life has been on hold for years, believing she is denied happiness until someone else comes into her life. She seriously doesn't get enjoyment out of anything.

It's really sad.

I know more unhappy people in relationships than otherwise. . so there!

 

But see (and I thought I've made myself clear on this), I don't think this exactly applies to me. I have a vacation coming up with a relative, and I genuinely enjoy hanging out with my friends. It's not that I'm "not getting enjoyment out of anything," nor do I think that there is no one else out there who is lonely. I'm living my life to the fullest extent I can, and part of that has been me trying to make new friends. I can't help the fact that almost all of my friends (all of my new friends) are in LTRs, and I can't help but feel lonely sometimes knowing this.

 

But my life is not on hold and I definitely do enjoy other aspects of my life. I'm not completely devoid of happiness or good times right now.

[reinventmyself]

But see (and I thought I've made myself clear on this), I don't think this exactly applies to me. I have a vacation coming up with a relative, and I genuinely enjoy hanging out with my friends. It's not that I'm "not getting enjoyment out of anything," nor do I think that there is no one else out there who is lonely. I'm living my life to the fullest extent I can, and part of that has been me trying to make new friends. I can't help the fact that almost all of my friends (all of my new friends) are in LTRs, and I can't help but feel lonely sometimes knowing this.

 

But my life is not on hold and I definitely do enjoy other aspects of my life. I'm not completely devoid of happiness or good times right now.

 

Well then, that must make it tough if your friends are in relationships.

Sorry if I was insensitive. Most of mine are divorced but that's a generation thing I suppose.

After what you just shared. I think you are just fine the way you are. I think you tend to think something's not right.

When we go there we start to fall down the rabbit hole of doubt.

 

Maybe if you looked at where you are right now is perfectly normal and try to not compare it others.

Your standards are high, as they should be and right girl is worth waiting for!

[faraday]

I just kept reminding myself that I would rather be alone (with the possibility of meeting the right person) than married or dating someone that wasn't right for me.

 

It helped me a lot to frame it that way and keep reminding myself of that. No settling. Ever. Find the person who adds so much good to your life that you can't imagine life without them. Find the person that knows your value and appreciates what you bring to the relationship...and when you find that person...it makes all of this dating/being alone sh*t worth it!

[John John]

Well then, that must make it tough if your friends are in relationships.

Sorry if I was insensitive. Most of mine are divorced but that's a generation thing I suppose.

After what you just shared. I think you are just fine the way you are. I think you tend to think something's not right.

When we go there we start to fall down the rabbit hole of doubt.

 

Maybe if you looked at where you are right now is perfectly normal and try to not compare it others.

Your standards are high, as they should be and right girl is worth waiting for!

 

You weren't insensitive at all. Thanks for what you said. It's not so much that I'm comparing myself to my friends (although I admit I still do it from time to time), but just being the only single one just makes me feel even more isolated. As I said, I always live in the moment and enjoy my time with my friends (even if I'm the 3rd/5th or whatever wheel)...it's when we part ways that I tend to feel kinda lonely. And then I reflect on just seeing them be affectionate together (not "get a room" status, but subtle things) in my presence, and that hurts a bit too.

 

I just kept reminding myself that I would rather be alone (with the possibility of meeting the right person) than married or dating someone that wasn't right for me.

 

It helped me a lot to frame it that way and keep reminding myself of that. No settling. Ever. Find the person who adds so much good to your life that you can't imagine life without them. Find the person that knows your value and appreciates what you bring to the relationship...and when you find that person...it makes all of this dating/being alone sh*t worth it!

 

yes Faraday, you are right. I tell myself that too. The right woman, whenever I finally meet her, will be worth it. I don't want to settle. That wouldn't be fair to either of us, you know?

[John John]

Just got past the "3 dig deeper questions" with another girl on eHarmony. She was responding faster at first, but I'm trying to keep my response time mostly in tune with theirs (so as not to seem too "needy" or anything, even though it's just me being eager, as there aren't that many women on eHarmony I find attractive who actually seem to have personalities). I'm going to message her later on today or tomorrow and ask for her number soon-ish. I leave for out west this Saturday morning, and I'd like to at least speak to this girl (depending on our convo - maybe even text her a picture or two during my vacay - but probably not!) once before I leave.

 

Have a date tonight with the girl I met at the volunteer event last week. We'll see how it goes. Trying not to put all my eggs in one basket anymore, OR get too excited too soon.

[WithLove]

Well?? Come on, don't hold out on us single folks!

[John John]

Had my date with the girl I met at the volunteer event last night. It was fine. Just two drinks for about an hour, and then we parted ways. I'm not sure how I feel about her. I feel like she may be too reserved/not warm enough for me, but I will most likely see her again after my vacation. You can't always know after one date how a person really is, so I'll see her again. We kissed, and I texted her later that evening to say I had a nice time and that I'd call her when I get back. She said the same.

 

For some reason, I'm just not excited about her. Usually after a first date, I'm excited about seeing the girl again (if I like her and think she wants a second date as well). But...I am trying to be open and not write her off so easily. I wonder if it's because she so young (25) and said something to the effect that she doesn't entirely know what she wants (which is understandable, given her age). But this is me attempting to live in the moment, be open and not get ahead of myself (which I know I'm prone to doing). I also wonder if it's because she's blonde hair and blue-eyed...that was always, always my type in the past. Lately...I've been wildly attracted to brunettes with brown eyes. And all my family, friends, and even a random lady I dated a while back said they all picture me marrying a brunette "Terri Hatcher type." Go figure.

[faraday]

That click is hard to find.

 

People have different philosophies on it too- there's the group that believe that chemistry grows over time...and if that works for you, you should definitely meet up again. The risk is that chemistry might not grow and then you'll be breaking up with someone a few months down the road and giving them lame "I just don't feel it" lines....and then there's the group that thinks chemistry should be instant. I wanted in Jays pants the moment I met him. I've felt like that about all my other prior relationships too. With that, there's the whole overlooking jerkface personalities and compatibility because hey, chemistry is rare and incredibly intoxicating when it's found. Then you break up in a year because you hate each other but hey, the sex is great.

 

You just gotta figure out where you sit in that spectrum and be aware of the pitfalls of each and try to get out early when you realize it's not working (your penis or the getting along).

 

Most of the people I know who are married...married not their "type". So I wouldn't get hung up on that. Most of the time when I meet the bfs that end up becoming husbands, I think, "that guy is so not her normal type....but I like him. I like them together." So...open mind

[WithLove]

To be honest, when Faraday started talking about Jay, I was like... He doesn't sound like her type at all. They are polar opposites. But they ended up complimenting each other really well. So... Sometimes your "not-type" works out for you.

[faraday]

To be honest, when Faraday started talking about Jay, I was like... He doesn't sound like her type at all. They are polar opposites. But they ended up complimenting each other really well. So... Sometimes your "not-type" works out for you.

 

Lol it's true. My friends were all, "he dresses like a geophysicist, you'll have to work on that." (I haven't). But they all really like him and have from the beginning.

 

As long as your life goals line up and you have similar views on lifestyle choices, things usually can work quite well even if you have completely different interests. It's just a lot more compromising on movies and date nights...but it's good, I've done a lot of things I never would have tried because of Jay...and he's had to become a lot better at hiding his awkward scientist vibe when I take him to art galas and stuff. Which I think is good for his career longer term anyway.

[John John]

Most of the people I know who are married...married not their "type". So I wouldn't get hung up on that. Most of the time when I meet the bfs that end up becoming husbands, I think, "that guy is so not her normal type....but I like him. I like them together." So...open mind

 

I'm a lot more open than you might think. I have to be attracted to her...but I'm not longer enamored with one certain type per se. I just personally prefer to date within my race...although I'm a little more open on that now, too.

 

Gotta love when women chat you up on eHarmony, and then suddenly start ignoring you. Why both paying for the site? Maybe she just found someone better. Oh well. Her loss.

 

Doesn't change how I really like a failure because of the state of my life. I don't care if that's illogical or irrational. It's just the way I feel sometimes. Like a real failure. People yell at me all they want ("don't feel that way" "you're not a failure" "you're crazy")...it's just the way I feel.

[faraday]

I'm a lot more open than you might think. I have to be attracted to her...but I'm not longer enamored with one certain type per se. I just personally prefer to date within my race...although I'm a little more open on that now, too.

 

Gotta love when women chat you up on eHarmony, and then suddenly start ignoring you. Why both paying for the site? Maybe she just found someone better. Oh well. Her loss.

 

Doesn't change how I really like a failure because of the state of my life. I don't care if that's illogical or irrational. It's just the way I feel sometimes. Like a real failure. People yell at me all they want ("don't feel that way" "you're not a failure" "you're crazy")...it's just the way I feel.

 

Most of my friends married outside their race when up until that point had only dated white guys. I only dated outside my race, imagined little halfie babies...and married a white guy. All of my children will be tall, skinny, blonde, Swedish looking models like Tine.

 

 

I think women stop talking because a lot of people don't get the not investing thing. They focus on one person, whoever captures them the most (and don't take it personally- computers don't really convey who we are) and ignore everyone else until they realize that guy laughs like a hyena. On to the next!

 

I don't know if the first line of your last paragraph was a typo or if I need to finish my coffee....it's not braining right in my head.

[LightWave93]

Doesn't change how I really like a failure because of the state of my life. I don't care if that's illogical or irrational. It's just the way I feel sometimes. Like a real failure. People yell at me all they want ("don't feel that way" "you're not a failure" "you're crazy")...it's just the way I feel.

 

This isn't to undermine how you feel buddy, but I don't see why you are so down on yourself about this. You're getting numbers and you're getting dates, which just goes to show you're an attractive/desirable man. Okay granted you haven't found "the one", but the opportunities are there for you to find someone. You're already like 75% of the way there! If nothing else, remind yourself that there are women on here who think you are an incredible catch!!

 

Choose to find positivity in the situation you're in. It's a damn sight better than not being desirable to any woman on this planet (IE. myself).

[faraday]

There we go, LW responded and now my brain sees where it wasn't connecting

 

LW is right. How often do you hear on here that men can't get any responses from matches? That they can't get women to meet up with them?

 

You may not get every response that you want, but even Ryan Gosling wouldn't get responses from every woman he messaged...it's just not how it works. It IS a numbers game...and you have to play if you're going to win. And you have to figure out how to not let it get to you. A big part of that is not taking "rejection" personally. It's not like you're repeatedly meeting women in rl and they stop responding, this is over a computer. Some of those women might like getting the initial ego boost of your messages and then stop because they're actually 250 pounds or their pictures are 10 years old (or some randoms from online) and they don't want to get busted. Or their bf had just dumped them when they signed up (or a really big fight), and he's been sending them breadcrumbs and now they're hopeful about reconciliation. Or their membership expired and they can't renew. Or they just got laid off and need to focus on applying and interviewing for jobs...or their job just got really busy...or a friend or family member was just diagnosed with something...or they found out they have chlamydia from their cheating ex and want to do their drug course before meeting someone new, or they got a HUGE zit and don't want to meet anyone right now because they're repulsive...or well, you get the point right? It's not about you. Most of the time when I stopped talking to a guy, it had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me and what was going on in my life. Sometimes I came back 6 months or a year later and if a guy hadn't closed me and was still on there, I'd meet him. I was always glad when matches didn't take it personally.

[John John]

Thanks faraday and LW. You guys are right. I will shut up. It's not about the eHarm girl. I have this sorta internal shame about the whole thing, even if it isn't entirely in my own hands. I might open up more about it. Not sure I want to yet. Because I know what peoples' reaction/responses will be (and I'm not saying that they'd be wrong)...but it doesn't change how I feel. Nor does it change how lonely I am.

 

Last week I week I was out with some friends. One came with his gf (which I encouraged), another came by himself, and there were some other people there. I had a great time. I can enjoy being in the moment. But seeing the one couple that's been together for 5 years (and they're the same age that I was when my ex left me) so happy...seeing her turn to kiss his shoulder every few minutes...really hurt and made me feel really lonely. And knowing the other guy was going home to his gf anyway. Just really instilled and made it clear how alone and far behind I am. Like...I had a great time...but once we parted ways at the end of the night...I felt terrible.