JJ's Diary of Dating

[John John]

I'm nowhere near caught up but I will say dating is general is filled with people who pass up other people for no good reason. We all do it.

 

Why? Well, I really think it's because on some level we're not ready to meet the right person. Sure we all think we're ready but the universehas other ideas. So it really doesn't matter if someone rules you out because of your height, weight,ethnicity, job, living situation, family, etc., etc., etc. If they were truly ready and you were truly the one it wouldn't matter at all. All this being quick to judge seems like it's the new (perceived) way of protecting the heart from heartache....personally I think it does more harm than good but if you're not ready then you're probably doing those people a favor by ruling them out.

 

No one should feel bad about ruling people out....if they feel that's what they need to do then they probably aren't ready for a real relationship and we should just let them go on their way. This is one of those things you just have to figure out for yourself.

 

Thanks LoveSoDeep and you're right as well. It just sucks when you see a profile and think they sound great and on your end you want to meet them...or you even do meet them...but for whatever reason, they don't feel it on the other side bedside of a certain requirement. I know I've done that too, so I guess I can't complain too much.

 

Finding that mutual match is really hard I suppose. But when you feel like you're ruled out before the game even starts for a certain reason, over and over...that's what's makes this such a perennially emotionally charged issue for me.

[LightWave93]

Finding that mutual match is really hard I suppose. But when you feel like you're ruled out before the game even starts for a certain reason, over and over...that's what's makes this such a perennially emotionally charged issue for me.

 

Perhaps I find it difficult viewing your situation from your perspective, but honestly...I do not understand why you worry so much. Go to Google, do a bit of searching and you'll find no end of threads on forums or pages on Reddit from men who can't get dates, laid, are 30+ and haven't had their first kiss etc. Trust me, I've read them all by now in the last six months.

 

Okay sure you haven't found "The One" and I understand that time is a factor for you personally as you want it sooner rather than later, but honestly I think you're applying too much pressure on yourself to find that woman. I don't think it's hampering your chances so much as it's being detrimental to your judgement of the circumstances. You haven't found her...yet. You will. I think it would be almost impossible for you not to find her; you're handsome, you're charismatic, you have a lot going for you in terms of career, social circle, hobbies.

 

Online dating is utterly sh*t and, seriously dude, I say jump ship and get rid of those profiles. Do you honestly need them? You meet women at your volunteering and the bar and everywhere else, it's not as if you're lacking opportunities. Leave OLD as the cesspit of misery that it is and focus on making those connections in the real world, where you can watch that cute girl across the counter smile at your joke.

 

JJ, allow yourself to breathe. The dating sites will still be there a year from now and at least then they'll be a different pool of women to choose from. Go forth and continue cracking that smile of yours!

[LoveSoDeep]

Thanks LoveSoDeep and you're right as well. It just sucks when you see a profile and think they sound great and on your end you want to meet them...or you even do meet them...but for whatever reason, they don't feel it on the other side bedside of a certain requirement. I know I've done that too, so I guess I can't complain too much.

 

Finding that mutual match is really hard I suppose. But when you feel like you're ruled out before the game even starts for a certain reason, over and over...that's what's makes this such a perennially emotionally charged issue for me.

 

I know what you mean. For a while I was convinced guys were doing the same thing to me and I couldn't figure out what it was and it was driving me mad....but you know what it didn't matter what it was. The fact that they were ruling me (or anyone really) out after one meet said one of 2 things they weren't really ready, or I really just wasn't the one for them and either way I'm better off being ruled out early no matter how much I liked them. It is really hard to get past that initial feeling of rejection though and I get that. Honestly, if you can't just shrug off rejection then you're not in a place where OLD will do you any good anyway. I've been in and out of that place many times it's not an easy place to stay in so don't feel bad if you're just not there right now just don't torment yourself with things you aren't in a good place for.

 

I like that you're trying new things JJ. Speed dating and new groups are great ideas!

 

I know you said you felt sorry for some of the guys there but think about it this way. The blind guy....one day he will find a woman who couldn't care less that he can't see, and props to him for getting out there. I'd be more inclined to give him a shot, than a sighted guy, if his personality were a match knowing that's all he can really judge me by. Then the shy guys....you know maybe they look at speed dating as "practice" and they need it so good on them for getting out there. It may not happen all that often that a match is made from those events but if both parties are ready for it then it could happen anywhere.

 

You said you "swipe left" on women who are out of your league....why? I think you need to just see what you've got coming to you for a bit...maybe use Bumble and just respond to anyone who you could give even a tiny chance to. These women are reaching out to you either you fit their checklist or they are ready and looking for a good guy not a checklist filler. You won't know until you try. I did the opposite when I found A I decided I'd just pick the next two guys who just "struck me" and write to them. For A it was his smile it just seemed genuine so I said "Hi looks like we have things in common. Let me know if you'd care to chat." The rest, as they say, is history. He's not my "type" his height wasn't listed, he's not even from the same ethnic background, he's younger (I thought for sure he'd blow me off for that alone)...I could go on and on...point is when I gave up and matching things I thought I wanted and just went for what "struck me" it worked better than any list ever has. when you're ready to throw the list away that's when you're really ready. It's almost like it more about accepting what's right for you than finding it.

[John John]

Perhaps I find it difficult viewing your situation from your perspective, but honestly...I do not understand why you worry so much. Go to Google, do a bit of searching and you'll find no end of threads on forums or pages on Reddit from men who can't get dates, laid, are 30+ and haven't had their first kiss etc. Trust me, I've read them all by now in the last six months.

 

Okay sure you haven't found "The One" and I understand that time is a factor for you personally as you want it sooner rather than later, but honestly I think you're applying too much pressure on yourself to find that woman. I don't think it's hampering your chances so much as it's being detrimental to your judgement of the circumstances. You haven't found her...yet. You will. I think it would be almost impossible for you not to find her; you're handsome, you're charismatic, you have a lot going for you in terms of career, social circle, hobbies.

 

Online dating is utterly sh*t and, seriously dude, I say jump ship and get rid of those profiles. Do you honestly need them? You meet women at your volunteering and the bar and everywhere else, it's not as if you're lacking opportunities. Leave OLD as the cesspit of misery that it is and focus on making those connections in the real world, where you can watch that cute girl across the counter smile at your joke.

 

JJ, allow yourself to breathe. The dating sites will still be there a year from now and at least then they'll be a different pool of women to choose from. Go forth and continue cracking that smile of yours!

 

You know LW...you make a lot of sense sometimes. I just wish you could apply some of this wisdom to yourself. And see that you are so far from being a lost cause. I know you don't believe that, but I do.

 

Thanks a lot for what you said, buddy. More and more people (including even those who got married from online) have been telling me to get off of online. Like me, they all think it's just gotten so bad. It didn't used to be this way. There are way too many apps. Right now, I'm just on Bumble and eHarmony. eHarmony has been sh*t so far (has given me three bad meets), and Bumble I get matches and women messaging me, but they seem to flake a lot (which makes sense, it's the sister app to Tinder...).

[John John]

I know what you mean. For a while I was convinced guys were doing the same thing to me and I couldn't figure out what it was and it was driving me mad....but you know what it didn't matter what it was. The fact that they were ruling me (or anyone really) out after one meet said one of 2 things they weren't really ready, or I really just wasn't the one for them and either way I'm better off being ruled out early no matter how much I liked them. It is really hard to get past that initial feeling of rejection though and I get that. Honestly, if you can't just shrug off rejection then you're not in a place where OLD will do you any good anyway. I've been in and out of that place many times it's not an easy place to stay in so don't feel bad if you're just not there right now just don't torment yourself with things you aren't in a good place for.

 

I like that you're trying new things JJ. Speed dating and new groups are great ideas!

 

I know you said you felt sorry for some of the guys there but think about it this way. The blind guy....one day he will find a woman who couldn't care less that he can't see, and props to him for getting out there. I'd be more inclined to give him a shot, than a sighted guy, if his personality were a match knowing that's all he can really judge me by. Then the shy guys....you know maybe they look at speed dating as "practice" and they need it so good on them for getting out there. It may not happen all that often that a match is made from those events but if both parties are ready for it then it could happen anywhere.

 

You said you "swipe left" on women who are out of your league....why? I think you need to just see what you've got coming to you for a bit...maybe use Bumble and just respond to anyone who you could give even a tiny chance to. These women are reaching out to you either you fit their checklist or they are ready and looking for a good guy not a checklist filler. You won't know until you try. I did the opposite when I found A I decided I'd just pick the next two guys who just "struck me" and write to them. For A it was his smile it just seemed genuine so I said "Hi looks like we have things in common. Let me know if you'd care to chat." The rest, as they say, is history. He's not my "type" his height wasn't listed, he's not even from the same ethnic background, he's younger (I thought for sure he'd blow me off for that alone)...I could go on and on...point is when I gave up and matching things I thought I wanted and just went for what "struck me" it worked better than any list ever has. when you're ready to throw the list away that's when you're really ready. It's almost like it more about accepting what's right for you than finding it.

 

Thanks LoveSoDeep, really appreciate your feedback. Very happy to hear that things are going well for you and A so far!!! Very happy for you

[LightWave93]

You said you "swipe left" on women who are out of your league....why? I think you need to just see what you've got coming to you for a bit...maybe use Bumble and just respond to anyone who you could give even a tiny chance to. These women are reaching out to you either you fit their checklist or they are ready and looking for a good guy not a checklist filler. You won't know until you try. I did the opposite when I found A I decided I'd just pick the next two guys who just "struck me" and write to them. For A it was his smile it just seemed genuine so I said "Hi looks like we have things in common. Let me know if you'd care to chat." The rest, as they say, is history. He's not my "type" his height wasn't listed, he's not even from the same ethnic background, he's younger (I thought for sure he'd blow me off for that alone)...I could go on and on...point is when I gave up and matching things I thought I wanted and just went for what "struck me" it worked better than any list ever has. when you're ready to throw the list away that's when you're really ready. It's almost like it more about accepting what's right for you than finding it.

 

I am curious, and only he can fill me in on this, as to what goes on in JJ's head that makes him rule out some of the women that have shown an interest in him. I think, maybe, JJ has his preferences set very much in stone and struggles to deviate from them. I've got a sense of that reading some of his posts in the past. That isn't to say he can't look for x characteristics or y physical feature, but I'm wondering if subconsciously it's become a barrier preventing from delving deeper into these potential relationships. Reading back on page 35, JJ describes some of the women he met at the speed dating events. Three women who "shouldn't have been there", one who was a bit too forward, but all-in-all were nice. My perspective on this is that, yes, three women out of long-terms are not giving themselves the chance to heal...BUT...the dating game changes when you are older and it's worth at least keeping these girls around to see what happens. Don't rush, in other words. As for the forwardness, it would make me comfortable too BUT it's also a clear sign of interest and maybe she was just excited to meet someone she felt she clicked with. Too many variables come into play when it comes to dating, and I'm wondering if JJ is picking up too much on negative traits and using it as an excuse not to push a little further and see where the path leads.

 

Personally? I met my first partner on an internet forum. There were a lot of things that totally went against us and gave reason for us not to even try. She was 15, I was 18. She lived an hour away, I didn't have a job at the time and couldn't afford to run a car. I wasn't sure I was even physically attracted to her, she was very naive. Yet, we gave it a shot and were together almost four years. Romance can bloom even in some challenging scenarios, whether it be distance (I'm looking at you, Maker) or potentially negative personality traits (eagerness to start dating again, too forward ala these girls at the speed dating event).

 

Thanks a lot for what you said, buddy. More and more people (including even those who got married from online) have been telling me to get off of online. Like me, they all think it's just gotten so bad. It didn't used to be this way. There are way too many apps. Right now, I'm just on Bumble and eHarmony. eHarmony has been sh*t so far (has given me three bad meets), and Bumble I get matches and women messaging me, but they seem to flake a lot (which makes sense, it's the sister app to Tinder...).

 

Tinder and Bumble are utter dire for starting anything long-term. It does happen, so it's your choice to weigh the "risk" vs reward, but I think if you set your expectations with them extremely low you'll find the experience much more tolerable. eHarmony I would've thought you'd have more success with given your age, location and how it's a paid site (meaning people are more likely looking for something in real life), but ultimately it IS online dating and thus you should expect bad dates, flakes, no responses etc.

 

I'll say this much; I took myself off OLD since about two months ago and I feel much better for it.

[John John]

LW I think you're partially right. However, I have broadened my horizons a bit as far as types of women that I'm open to dating. I still, however, prefer to date within my race, I won't date an overweight woman, and she has to be pretty to me (a bit above average looking). I also won't date a woman who didn't at least go to college and who has no career (there's a very attractive 8/10 hitting me up now on eHarmony, but she seems the type to want to be a kept woman...not cool and will probably reject despite her hotness) and who expects me to pull all the weight in a relationship.

 

I don't think I request anything that I don't already bring to the table. I have a master's degree from a great school, make about $140K (which is really only a bit above average by NYC standards, but I try to live pretty frugally as I want to buy property next year. Can afford it now, but waiting so I can buy a better place), eat healthy and exercise regularly (look the best I have, ever, right now at 32), am a dedicated and loyal friend/person in general, well traveled, among other things ( )...maybe I sound like an a$$hole? That's fine if some people on here will take it that way...I just know I bring a good amount to the table, and hope to attract similarly. Would I ever expect to attract a model who pulls over $300K and has a private chauffer and has a house in the Hamptons? Absolutely not!

 

I have been with some very attractive women in the past, including from online. I'm not sure what's been happening lately. But I really and truly am slowly giving up on it. And I mean it this time. I have a date on Friday with a girl from Bumble, but that's about it for now. If I keep one app active (but just not check it nearly as much anymore)...I will probably keep eHarmony active. Just because the women on there seem more serious.

 

I have a social event tonight, and another one (which is a single's party) Saturday night. Just doing my best to get out there! Real life FTW!

[imsuperman]

As long as you pay for my ticket over, I'll be the guy who tags along just to make you look a little better.

 

Someone should!

[IAmFCA]

You know LW...you make a lot of sense sometimes. I just wish you could apply some of this wisdom to yourself. And see that you are so far from being a lost cause. I know you don't believe that, but I do.

 

Thanks a lot for what you said, buddy. More and more people (including even those who got married from online) have been telling me to get off of online. Like me, they all think it's just gotten so bad. It didn't used to be this way. There are way too many apps. Right now, I'm just on Bumble and eHarmony. eHarmony has been sh*t so far (has given me three bad meets), and Bumble I get matches and women messaging me, but they seem to flake a lot (which makes sense, it's the sister app to Tinder...).

 

When I first got on Bumble I really liked it, and one of my favorite connections resulted from it. It HAS gotten worse though, and I don't know why that happens over time. Also I wish I could block people; two men I've dated popped up and I'd rather them not see me. It doesn't matter if they do, I'd rather they don't.

 

I like OLD because otherwise, virtually everyone I know is married or an industry contact. I think my rl will begin two years from now, a growth from the garden I'm planting now using these dating sites. Most everyone I've met on line is unavailable for a rl, either practically or emotionally speaking. Much of that is me, of course. At this point, I also think it's the nature of being on line. It's an e connection. A good place for the emotionally independent to connect with others without having to become interdependent in a rl.

 

The more practiced I become and available I become, the more discerning I become. Imagine that is the demand curve, trending down in terms of volume but up in terms of The One. The supply curve trends down, as fewer and fewer of the men on line meet my needs. I have a high desire for the right guy, and the right guy isn't here so far as I know.

 

It serves a purpose. The right guy might be one of two whom I've met and aren't themselves ready. I'm closer to who I want to be because of all the practice.

 

Using myself as an example and other comments here as inspiration, OLD is useful, but maybe not for its intended (ostensibly) purpose of finding The One ToDay. Maybe it helps make us ready to recognize our match when we meet him or her, in whatever venue.

[John John]

Have a date lined up for Friday from Bumble, but another Bumble girl (the one that seemed impressed that I actually called her) flaked. She texted me (after I waited a few days and followed up) basically saying she doesn't want to date right now. I'm choosing not to take it personally and believe her at face value. I'm not really bothered by it, but I did roll my eyes when I saw her text. Online dating is such a crock of sh*t where I live.

 

I'll probably consolidate to one app by the end of this month (either eHarmony or Bumble will get the ax - just not sure which one). I'm thinking I give OLD (whichever one app I decide to keep) at least until the end of the year. But I'm going to move full speed ahead with real life events, making new friends, and trying to meet women that way.

[LoveSoDeep]

Have a date lined up for Friday from Bumble, but another Bumble girl (the one that seemed impressed that I actually called her) flaked. She texted me (after I waited a few days and followed up) basically saying she doesn't want to date right now. I'm choosing not to take it personally and believe her at face value. I'm not really bothered by it, but I did roll my eyes when I saw her text. Online dating is such a crock of sh*t where I live.

 

I'll probably consolidate to one app by the end of this month (either eHarmony or Bumble will get the ax - just not sure which one). I'm thinking I give OLD (whichever one app I decide to keep) at least until the end of the year. But I'm going to move full speed ahead with real life events, making new friends, and trying to meet women that way.

 

Nice! have fun on Friday...sometimes it's easy to lose sight of the fact that this is supposed to be fun....so just try to enjoy it for whatever it turns out to be.

 

This girl who flaked....I think you've got the right attitude....she did you favor by canceling if she's not ready for any reason just let her do her thing.

 

I can totally understand how dating would be a totally different beast where you live JJ. It seems like there are so many people to choose from and it must magnify that feeling of unlimited supply and that if you just keep looking you can find perfection. I think a lot of people really believe that not only can they find perfection (for them) but they deserve it or are entitled to it. It's just silly if you ask me. All of the men I have truly and deeply loved have been imperfect and not perfect matches as far as what I thought I wanted/needed at the time. Someone (an author) once described it as a 80/20 thing....if someone is 80% of what you're looking for that might be as good as you'll get so give it a shot. I can tell you are opening up your views a little, you're giving women you never really found attractive before a chance and finding maybe you like them after all and that's great. Keep that open minded trend going, my friend. I really think you are on the right track and you're going to get there!

[LightWave93]

I can tell you are opening up your views a little, you're giving women you never really found attractive before a chance and finding maybe you like them after all and that's great. Keep that open minded trend going, my friend. I really think you are on the right track and you're going to get there!

 

Agreed wholeheartedly.

 

Keep it up mate!

[John John]

My current theme song: "People Are Strange" by The Doors

 

Songs I can't listen to at the moment: "Your Wildest Dreams" and "I Know You're Out There Somewhere" by The Moody Blues, and "Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough" by Patty Smyth and Don Henley

[Sportster2005]

 

I don't think I request anything that I don't already bring to the table.!

 

What is this table I keep hearing about?

 

JJ sounds like you're a horse trader, not a bachelor. I think one of the down falls of online dating sights is we think we are there to find the ideal partner. If we just keep searching, they will show up. I look for women that I can be with. Ideal only exists in our imagination. You are only going to find imperfect flawed humans online. What flaws can you live with? It's simple mathematics. The stricter your criteria the smaller your dating pool.

 

I rule drug users and the unemployed. Women who are in terrible shape. That's my list. I've dated uneducated women, I've dated women with multiple degrees. I've dated women with multiple degrees. I've dated younger and older. Taller and shorter. I'm interested in the connection, how they make feel. Are we comfortable around each other. Do we like each other's sense of humour.

 

We say we are looking for love, but our criteria has nothing to do with emotions. They are numbers and measurements. Just something to consider.

[TMifune]

I rule drug users and the unemployed. Women who are in terrible shape. That's my list. I've dated uneducated women, I've dated women with multiple degrees. I've dated women with multiple degrees. I've dated younger and older. Taller and shorter. I'm interested in the connection, how they make feel. Are we comfortable around each other.

 

I'm sure this was a typo, but it amuses me that the line about multiple degrees was there multiple times....really drives it home!

[John John]

What is this table I keep hearing about?

 

JJ sounds like you're a horse trader, not a bachelor. I think one of the down falls of online dating sights is we think we are there to find the ideal partner. If we just keep searching, they will show up. I look for women that I can be with. Ideal only exists in our imagination. You are only going to find imperfect flawed humans online. What flaws can you live with? It's simple mathematics. The stricter your criteria the smaller your dating pool.

 

I rule drug users and the unemployed. Women who are in terrible shape. That's my list. I've dated uneducated women, I've dated women with multiple degrees. I've dated women with multiple degrees. I've dated younger and older. Taller and shorter. I'm interested in the connection, how they make feel. Are we comfortable around each other. Do we like each other's sense of humour.

 

We say we are looking for love, but our criteria has nothing to do with emotions. They are numbers and measurements. Just something to consider.

 

 

No, I understand totally. I'm not a " for tat" person AT ALL. Nothing is ever "100% even/equal." I was speaking to the whole "leagues/attractiveness level" discussion. I for the most part believe that we all end up with someone who is of a similar "attractiveness level." But the more I think about it, what each of us finds attractive is so subjective, and so what others really care about, you might not.

 

I had a date with an extremely attractive lady yesterday. She showed up with no makeup and wearing yoga pants, and still looked super hot. Actually she reminded me a bit of my ex, which was a tad weird. But as attractive and as much as I enjoyed making out with her in the park...there were a couple of red flags. I will call her to see her again. But I don't think I see myself with her long term, even despite how attractive she was to me.

 

So the point is, I totally, totally agree a big part of it is how a woman makes me feel. That is what keeps me around and really makes me want to continue seeing her. But I stand by what I said earlier that, if I'm not initially physically attracted to a woman, it's probably not gonna work for me. It hasn't in the past, and I don't know if it ever will.

 

My friend and his wife gave me her friend's number, and they want me to call her. Her personality sounds perfect and like she'd be a match with me. I'm very uneasy about going on a blind date...I wish I had a picture...he described her to me as "brunette, exotic, very attractive." I'm actually much more now into brunettes than blondes (really don't care for blondes much anymore.......). But a bit nervous about this...because I always hate myself when a woman has a fantastic personality and is really into me...but the physical component just isn't there. I'll probably call her tonight and ask her out for coffee this Saturday or Sunday.

 

The girl that I asked out at the gym a few weeks ago (the one that said "you're really cute, but I like another guy and he's coming to visit me") approached me at the gym this past Friday and asked me out to drinks. So I'm gonna text her today or tomorrow and ask her out for this Friday. I intend to flirt with this girl, but also respect boundaries. I'm not sure what, if anything, has happened with that guy...but she approached me at the gym for drinks. While her intentions may very well be purely platonic, I will turn the charm on at least a bit She's really cute and seems REALLY nice/sweet...a damn shame about the other guy...but we'll see what happens.

 

Another girl on eHarmony...we're at the final stages before exchanging numbers. I'm not that attracted to her based on her pictures...but I'm trying to look past it, and at least meet her in person. So we'll see.

 

Ready a book Mrs. Darcy recommended on waiting for your soulmate. It is a bit hokey...but trying to place hope in something. Because...I really long for the day when my iPhone is entirely purged of dating apps and a bunch of female contacts with the dating app I met her from next to her name...

[WithLove]

It sounds like you've got a lot of good potentials! Wishing you luck!

[faraday]

What is this table I keep hearing about?

 

JJ sounds like you're a horse trader, not a bachelor. I think one of the down falls of online dating sights is we think we are there to find the ideal partner. If we just keep searching, they will show up. I look for women that I can be with. Ideal only exists in our imagination. You are only going to find imperfect flawed humans online. What flaws can you live with? It's simple mathematics. The stricter your criteria the smaller your dating pool.

 

I rule drug users and the unemployed. Women who are in terrible shape. That's my list. I've dated uneducated women, I've dated women with multiple degrees. I've dated women with multiple degrees. I've dated younger and older. Taller and shorter. I'm interested in the connection, how they make feel. Are we comfortable around each other. Do we like each other's sense of humour.

 

We say we are looking for love, but our criteria has nothing to do with emotions. They are numbers and measurements. Just something to consider.

 

[John John]

It sounds like you've got a lot of good potentials! Wishing you luck!

 

Thanks WL. We will see what happens. Just trying to go with the flow

 

I spoke with my friend's wife's friend last night. She sounds really sweet. I'm a bit uneasy about the blind date aspect of it...but I'm going to take his word that she's "very attractive." He knows my dealbreakers, so hoping he comes through. She and I are meeting up early next week.

 

The girl from Bumble that I saw this past Sunday texted me yesterday. We flirted pretty much all afternoon, and now we're doing a late brunch this Saturday in my neck of the woods. I'm not sure we're compatible for long-term...but I'm going to see where it goes. I'm not all about looks. This girl is actually hot. Other men were checking her out as we walked through the park. But...she said a few things that raised some (mostly minor) red flags in my mind. But...she was half joking, so giving her the benefit of the doubt (for now).

 

Matched with a few other really attractive women on Bumble...hoping this one girl messages me soon!

[John John]

I'm in a really weird mood today. Not really bad...just a bit, like, sad. I rode the train in with a good friend this morning, and he mentioned the possibility that he and his fiancé might be moving. He said it's only the very early "thinking about it" stages, but it made me a bit sad. It's like I'll have no local friends left lol. I've made friends with another guy fairly recently (early summer), so not as comfortable texting him to always hang out.

 

And I had drinks with an older friend last night. And I guess just started comparing myself to him in terms of his life (he's married with a kid, and they have a house) and wishing I had all that...and I think he's making more money than me. I dunno, it all just got me thinking...I'll live, though.

 

I wonder if I'm considered a "success." Sometimes I feel like if my ex didn't break up with me when she did, and my head was clear, I would have been able to make a better career move right as I finished graduate school. But then I got so caught up in that. I was fairly happy/lucky to get my current job pretty easily. And I'm making pretty good money...but I dunno....I hope maybe in the future I can make another career move. I just don't want to have to do anymore school/studying, aside from fairly minor things like certifications and stuff. At my age, I don’t know if I could stomach another degree or something like a CPA or CFA. I know I’m smart enough…I just don’t want to do all that studying, because then I’d have no time to date or live my life, basically.

 

I'm just a bit down today. I have therapy tonight, and I'm just gonna talk about and try to understand why I've been feeling so lonely. I think it's because I don't really have a consistent, deep friendship/relationship with anyone who's consistently around anymore. That's why romantic relationships at my age are so important (in my opinion – I know some of you will disagree and mention other things, which I respect, but this is just the way I feel). Because old friends move away, and while you do make new friends (as I have), it takes a lot of time and effort to have the new friendships transition into more meaningful friendships (to the point where you’re comfortable consistently trying to hang out). My friend that mentioned he might move away has become a good friend this past year. If he moves away, it’s gonna suck. But that’s life.

[IAmFCA]

I relate. Again.

 

My besties live out of state. Post divorce, I went through several years of not having intimate female friendships. Finally, I have them. You have been making friends, it takes time to invest in them, let them invest in you, build that trust. And they are absolutely the bedrock of lasting through all this other crapola. When my friends left town years ago, I found ways to visit. One in particular I have visited at least once a year every year since they moved, and its been some 20 years now. I knew they wouldn't be able to do the same for me, so I just decided to do it, and the investment was well made. They love me like family and I them, and our kids, now, too. For my other out of state friend I have not made the same sort of commitment, because our values aren't as well aligned, and that shows in our own choices of friends, in the way we raise our kids, etc. We love each other and we visit each other, no doubt. But I would not have made a one-way investment like I did for the other. In the meantime at home I bounced around making new women friends until I found some who have embraced me and held me tightly. Why, I don't know. It is not a coincidence that they embraced me at about the same time I embraced myself. Corny, I know. I just come off differently than I did before, and I am able to contribute differently. I am much more intimate in my friendships; I used to avoid them without seeing that I did.

 

From all of that my take away is: whatever we are doing in our dating lives has similar patterns in our friendship lives. Maybe there are friends you would like to have, but you assume you are not worthy. Invest in those men slowly. Give yourself an option to build friendships with your Grade A choice of friend. It will make you a better man.

[John John]

I relate. Again.

 

My besties live out of state. Post divorce, I went through several years of not having intimate female friendships. Finally, I have them. You have been making friends, it takes time to invest in them, let them invest in you, build that trust. And they are absolutely the bedrock of lasting through all this other crapola. When my friends left town years ago, I found ways to visit. One in particular I have visited at least once a year every year since they moved, and its been some 20 years now. I knew they wouldn't be able to do the same for me, so I just decided to do it, and the investment was well made. They love me like family and I them, and our kids, now, too. For my other out of state friend I have not made the same sort of commitment, because our values aren't as well aligned, and that shows in our own choices of friends, in the way we raise our kids, etc. We love each other and we visit each other, no doubt. But I would not have made a one-way investment like I did for the other. In the meantime at home I bounced around making new women friends until I found some who have embraced me and held me tightly. Why, I don't know. It is not a coincidence that they embraced me at about the same time I embraced myself. Corny, I know. I just come off differently than I did before, and I am able to contribute differently. I am much more intimate in my friendships; I used to avoid them without seeing that I did.

 

From all of that my take away is: whatever we are doing in our dating lives has similar patterns in our friendship lives. Maybe there are friends you would like to have, but you assume you are not worthy. Invest in those men slowly. Give yourself an option to build friendships with your Grade A choice of friend. It will make you a better man.

 

ITIC, this means a lot to me. Thank you very much.

 

This guy that mentioned he might move away has become a very good friend of mine. I actually really trust him, and he consistently invites me to hang out (and vice versa). I've made friends with two other guys in the past year. One I'm not too crazy about, but don't know him that well, so giving him the benefit of the doubt for now. The other is a guy I frequently run into at my gym and our neighborhood. He has a steady gf for 5 years, and since he's younger (mid/late 20s), he has a bit of a stronger social network. We've hung out a few times, but I've done all the initiation so far. I think he likes me, but have tried to approach it how I would courting a woman; you don't want to scare them away by coming on too strong. With the guy I've known for a year who mentioned he's thinking of moving, it was sort of effortless. He's a great guy. And I have maintained some older friends, but it's much harder to see them because they're all married, have moved away, etc. Hence why I've been trying to make new/local friends...

 

Making friends past a certain age certainly takes a lot of work. You really have to pick and choose who you actually invest time with. And there's "rejection" too, in a sense, if you feel it's not quite as reciprocated as you would like it to be.

[journeynow]

Hi JJ, I can relate to the sadness of having friends move away. It's another kind of loss, but can add to the loss of a break up or death or job loss, the accumulation of losses we navigate in life. I don't mean to be gloomy, but I've realized that they aren't necessarily separate because one triggers the remaining grief of another. I've had a few good friends move away in recent years, and other friendships fade as those friends went in different directions and became unavailable. One of the positives, thought is that one of those friends who lives far away "meets" with me every week by skype. We talk for an hour and it has become very important to each of us. To make new friends, I'll may have to get out more, changing my circle of activities a bit, or reaching out to connect with new folks. It's true that after a certain age, or at different phases of life, patterns of life change and it takes new effort to develop friendships.

[John John]

Hi JJ, I can relate to the sadness of having friends move away. It's another kind of loss, but can add to the loss of a break up or death or job loss, the accumulation of losses we navigate in life. I don't mean to be gloomy, but I've realized that they aren't necessarily separate because one triggers the remaining grief of another. I've had a few good friends move away in recent years, and other friendships fade as those friends went in different directions and became unavailable. One of the positives, thought is that one of those friends who lives far away "meets" with me every week by skype. We talk for an hour and it has become very important to each of us. To make new friends, I'll may have to get out more, changing my circle of activities a bit, or reaching out to connect with new folks. It's true that after a certain age, or at different phases of life, patterns of life change and it takes new effort to develop friendships.

 

You're absolutely right journeynow. I mean, I'm a pretty outgoing and friendly guy. I think I'm quite likeable in real life. But trying to make friends with other people once you're past your mid/late 20's, I'd say (especially as many of them have their own circles and don't "need" new friends), can be tricky. You want to show interest, but not too much interest, because then they might look at you as "weird" or "needy." And I always try to calibrate my actions based on the specifics of the situation, so if they don't always invite me out to things or seek me out, I pull away a bit. But sometimes I guess you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and reach out to them.

[IAmFCA]

ITIC, this means a lot to me. Thank you very much.

 

This guy that mentioned he might move away has become a very good friend of mine. I actually really trust him, and he consistently invites me to hang out (and vice versa). I've made friends with two other guys in the past year. One I'm not too crazy about, but don't know him that well, so giving him the benefit of the doubt for now. The other is a guy I frequently run into at my gym and our neighborhood. He has a steady gf for 5 years, and since he's younger (mid/late 20s), he has a bit of a stronger social network. We've hung out a few times, but I've done all the initiation so far. I think he likes me, but have tried to approach it how I would courting a woman; you don't want to scare them away by coming on too strong. With the guy I've known for a year who mentioned he's thinking of moving, it was sort of effortless. He's a great guy. And I have maintained some older friends, but it's much harder to see them because they're all married, have moved away, etc. Hence why I've been trying to make new/local friends...

 

Making friends past a certain age certainly takes a lot of work. You really have to pick and choose who you actually invest time with. And there's "rejection" too, in a sense, if you feel it's not quite as reciprocated as you would like it to be.

 

Thank you for saying so. That feels good.

 

I found my dating skills were pretty poor; I was used to being courted. I also was used to dating men who were not my peers and were willing to accept more of the burden. To make friends and attract higher quality bfs, I had to improve my dating skills. Learn to let time pass in between "dates", yet to still be attentive. Give it time, let them initiate, learn not to overreact. To think of their interests and come up with ideas ahead of time.

 

Huh, you know what, JJ, this is another potential parallel. Lately I have been having the feeling that I am creating a lot of dating connections that one day may evolve into a relationship. This is what it felt like when I began to make friendships. A lot of potential connections, but nothing reliable, nobody whom I could call on the fly and make something happen for the weekend. Still, enough touches with various people that over time, the best matches grew into good friendships. Now that I am in this environment of multi-dating among old folk, maybe its the same thing. We are not under pressure to please our parents, start families. If anything, many of us are delaying a serious relationship until kids get closer to moving out. So we date around, collecting options. Over time, some connections remain while others fade. The best match(es) may develop into (a) relationship(s).

 

A reminder not to sweat the future when we don't yet know how good it can be.