JJ's Diary of Dating

[IAmFCA]

Tonight's guy, same. For understandable reason, but same. Just sayin.

 

I myself wish I would flake on my friend, but I won't. Need sleep badly.

 

Have fun JJ. I wish I fat and happy and asleep at 10!

[LightWave93]

Plenty of oddballs out there mate, but remember there's a fair few decent lasses out there too. You've met some of them, and there will be plenty more.

 

Chin up, keeping moving forward and all that. You'll find that woman you click with me.

 

'least you ain't at uni. Fresher's Week coming up, meaning plenty of new women and having to watch all the other lads have all the luck.

[WithLove]

How'd the lunch date go?!

[Jean-Luc]

I mean, when you really break it down...men are the hunters, and women are the hunted. USUALLY. Not always. There are some women that are aggressive, but they're fairly rare. Lots of women seem to like the chase. I've even had women tell me this.

 

I didn't mean to imply that finding a suitable partner is easier for women than men. It's not. I do think that dating in and of itself is a bit easier for women, though. I won't go into why I think this, but it's the way I feel. As a guy, it falls to me to "land" a woman. You might not feel this way, but a lot of people feel this way. It's up to me. Sometimes I feel like a failure, as a result. And I'm not the only guy who feels or has felt this way from being single. It's more common than you might think. But I wasn't trying to start a gender war.

 

Also, thanks for what you said. I will think about that. I'm a very hard working person. But I feel like this is something you can't "work" at, in a sense.

 

I can understand why most women don't initiate first or pursue. What they would be risking is more than we can really understand reasonably as men. I understand the frustration however. I've always had a problem going up and speaking to women first and have found that because of that, I'm very much alone. Sometimes, every now and then, I even get mad at women internally especially since a lot of the times they don't act very nice towards guys who have those kinds of issues. We as a society should be more evolved than this, but we're just not there yet(as far as who approaches whom and other things that involve dating). I wouldn't feel like a failure just because you haven't landed someone in a while. Dating is tough and people are complicated. They're also often times shallow.

[John John]

How'd the lunch date go?!

 

It went ok! I think she's starting to like me more than I like her. She's very sarcastic (which I can be too) and nice enough...but she's made some comments that just don't sit right with me. We were talking about men's suits, and I said to her that I only have three good suits because I don't wear them for work that often (I have pairs in black, navy and grey). I said that they cost around $600 each (and they're good quality and custom made!), and she said "oh, just $600...those are good suits?" And made a disappointed face as she said it, but then quickly followed it up with a smile and laugh. But I dunno. I think the physical chemistry is there, but not sure she's a long-term candidate. But I think I'll see her at least one more time.

 

I found out what my friend's friend looks like, and I'm not that attracted to her unfortunately. LOL it's always something...either the looks aren't there, or the personality isn't. I can never seem to get both (or a good mixture of both, I'm totally willing to sacrifice a bit in the looks department, but I have to be attracted). I'll still meet her though. But now worried it's gonna be an awkward situation if I don't want to see her again...oh well...and I'm talking to a few more girls on Bumble, one of whom gave me her number yesterday. So there's that.

 

eHarmony continues to suck big donkey balls, so going to stop that site very soon and just use Bumble, and maybe reactivate OKCupid.

 

 

I can understand why most women don't initiate first or pursue. What they would be risking is more than we can really understand reasonably as men. I understand the frustration however. I've always had a problem going up and speaking to women first and have found that because of that, I'm very much alone. Sometimes, every now and then, I even get mad at women internally especially since a lot of the times they don't act very nice towards guys who have those kinds of issues. We as a society should be more evolved than this, but we're just not there yet(as far as who approaches whom and other things that involve dating). I wouldn't feel like a failure just because you haven't landed someone in a while. Dating is tough and people are complicated. They're also often times shallow.

 

Yeah I would say this is one advantage of being a woman when it comes to dating...they don't have to really approach. Now granted...you might have some very unattractive women that never get approached, and I can imagine that must really hurt, and for those women, I genuinely feel for. I wonder what's worse...us approaching and getting overtly rejected, or some women just not getting approached at all (passively rejected)?

 

And yeah...there is a HUGE (unspoken and often not admitted) stigma of men who are inexperienced by a certain age. I've been on dates with women who've flat out laughed (in a mean way) at male virgins after a certain age. Because there's the notion that, if a man is a virgin by a certain age, it was against his will. But if a woman is a virgin by a certain age, that was her own choice. And this is kinda true, because women are the gatekeepers, they choose on matters of sex. There is definitely more pressure on men to have "experience" in this arena (and not necessarily just sex, but dating in general). People should learn to be a bit more kind to these men, and not just automatically label them as "creepers" (some indeed are, but some are just a bit awkward and looking for/need a little love).

[WithLove]

Ugh, damn it, John! I was hoping you'd like the girl your friend has. What about her isn't attractive to you? Perhaps she will be more attractive in person. Almost all the people I've met through OLD have been better looking in person, actually. Except maybe one, my last bf actually, who I thought didn't look as good as his photos, but I ended up being more attracted to after I started getting to know him! Just give her at least one shot.

 

I'm not talking to any of the guys I was chatting with on OKC anymore. Pop on over to my journal quick to see my last encounter with the guy from Tinder...

[John John]

Ugh, damn it, John! I was hoping you'd like the girl your friend has. What about her isn't attractive to you? Perhaps she will be more attractive in person. Almost all the people I've met through OLD have been better looking in person, actually. Except maybe one, my last bf actually, who I thought didn't look as good as his photos, but I ended up being more attracted to after I started getting to know him! Just give her at least one shot.

 

I'm not talking to any of the guys I was chatting with on OKC anymore. Pop on over to my journal quick to see my last encounter with the guy from Tinder...

 

Hey! No, I am definitely going to give her a fair shot! She might look better in person who knows. I'm trying to be a lot more open about this stuff than I used to.

 

I will go have a look

[faraday]

]

It might ruin your game a bit, but I can send Tine over to set up your apartment with friends. I'm sick today, so she hooked me up. #notlonely

[John John]

I'll watch Tine for a weekend while you and Jay galavant around NYC.

 

But only if you hook me up with one of your hot Canadian female friends 8)

[LightWave93]

I'm trying to be a lot more open about this stuff than I used to.

 

Best way to be!

[John John]

In a bit of a bind...of course it would happen that Bumble would choose to be kind to me and send me a bunch of seemingly interested women all at once (I woke up to two of them straight up offering me their numbers...)...

 

I'm supposed to meet my friend's friend tomorrow, but I feel like I'm not gonna be attracted to her (even though I'm definitely going). I'm going to try and have an open mind and focus on her personality...looks are NOT everything...but based on the one pic I've seen of her, while she's cute, I think she's not quite as cute as I'd like...but I'm going to try, and be a gentleman, of course.

 

Have a third date coming up with the first Bumble girl. I feel like she likes me more than I do her. She's very attractive...quite hot, actually. I'm just not sure of her personality yet...a few things she has said have really turned me off...but we'll see. Why the hell can't I get both? LOL it's always one or the other...

 

Another girl I left a voicemail with last night. Haven't heard back from her. And I woke up to two women (both with the same exact name...lol) give me their numbers. I'm texting one now. She's not a native NY-er, which is always a bonus to me lol. She looks like a model, but also comes off as sweet (so far)...so we'll see...

 

When it rains it pours. I honestly don't like it. I just want ONE. One attractive woman who also (GASP) has a personality and is feminine and kind!! lol I guess that's every man's ultimate dream...

 

Right now only using Bumble, because eHarmony only sends either a) Very unattractive women or b) Attractive women whose profiles have been inactive since dinosaurs roamed the earth. I sorta think Bumble, while very similar to Tinder, is more serious, since women make the first move. It's...interesting.

[WithLove]

Hang in there! It's gonna be a fun ride for you this week! 8)

[LoveSoDeep]

It's not just you JJ I bet every one of us has lamented "All I want is physical attraction and a personality!" at some point in our dating lives.

 

The first Bumble girl... I say let her go. You can come to think someone is attractive looks wise if they are on the bubble but if the personality is rubbing you wrong it usually doesn't get any better. Plus she's getting attached to you if it's not going to happen it's better to cut it off early (before you find out you have a stage IV clinger).

 

I really hope you keep an open mind about this date your friend fixed you up with. Maybe she doesn't photograph well. I know I don't. I'm literally the least photogenic person I know! But in person I think I'm not bad looking. lol Give her a chance to reel you in (or repel you) with her personality.

 

Question for you....If you hit the jackpot on personality I mean you met a woman that was 100% everything you want personality wise (which probably isn't possible but this is hypothetical), do you think you could build an attraction to a type you typically aren't attracted to (or are very occasionally attracted to)?

 

And only because you seem to be going through a phase where you want to give fate a shot...I met A on an app called "happn". It's location based and shows you the members who you may have crossed paths with that day (or come close). It's like if people ever decided to pull there eyes off their phones they might meet each other but since that's not happening let's show them the people they missed while staring at their phones endlessly. Obviously, it works better in larger cities so it may work well in NYC. Both men and women can message first after they both like one another's profile (I know we're done with this topic but height isn't displayed it's not even a profile option!). I like the fact that it was kind of "fate" based....and it happened to work for me (pun intended).

[John John]

It's not just you JJ I bet every one of us has lamented "All I want is physical attraction and a personality!" at some point in our dating lives.

 

The first Bumble girl... I say let her go. You can come to think someone is attractive looks wise if they are on the bubble but if the personality is rubbing you wrong it usually doesn't get any better. Plus she's getting attached to you if it's not going to happen it's better to cut it off early (before you find out you have a stage IV clinger).

 

I really hope you keep an open mind about this date your friend fixed you up with. Maybe she doesn't photograph well. I know I don't. I'm literally the least photogenic person I know! But in person I think I'm not bad looking. lol Give her a chance to reel you in (or repel you) with her personality.

 

Question for you....If you hit the jackpot on personality I mean you met a woman that was 100% everything you want personality wise (which probably isn't possible but this is hypothetical), do you think you could build an attraction to a type you typically aren't attracted to (or are very occasionally attracted to)?

 

And only because you seem to be going through a phase where you want to give fate a shot...I met A on an app called "happn". It's location based and shows you the members who you may have crossed paths with that day (or come close). It's like if people ever decided to pull there eyes off their phones they might meet each other but since that's not happening let's show them the people they missed while staring at their phones endlessly. Obviously, it works better in larger cities so it may work well in NYC. Both men and women can message first after they both like one another's profile (I know we're done with this topic but height isn't displayed it's not even a profile option!). I like the fact that it was kind of "fate" based....and it happened to work for me (pun intended).

 

What's up LSD! Yes, I'm familiar with Happn...I used it a bit last summer, never really got into it that much. Might try it again, we'll see. I sorta like the concept, but feel like Bumble is being kind enough to me right now lol. I'm just on Bumble at the moment (gave up on eHarmony, probably for good at this point).

 

As far as your question...if a girl had a 10/10 personality, I mean, there would still need to be some physical attraction. There are some dealbreakers that I just won't budge on (she can't be overweight, but I'm not asking for a stick figure), but I AM willing to make some concessions on looks. So, I suppose the answer to your question is yes.

 

Yeah, so for the first girl...my co-worker thinks that she actually likes me. She came out to see me on Saturday, and as I've made it clear to hear that I'm not going to spend a lot of money on her (at least, not yet), she likes ME (as a person). But the comment about the suits and having other men pay for her stuff just put me off. She DOES have her own career, I'd say she's my "career equal," which is cool...but she seems a bit materialistic and princess-y. Buuuut we already have a third date arranged for this weekend, so I'm just gonna go with it. She's hot. She's like and 8 or a 9 lol, but her personality so far is like 5 (6 tops), so I'm probably gonna end it soon. Looks are SO not everything.

 

Meeting up with my friend's friend tonight. Only saw one picture of her, and not that attracted to her, BUT, like you said - some people do not photograph well. Maybe she'll be cuter in person. Her personality is already like an 8 so far from briefly speaking with her, so definitely going to give her a fair shot! We're meeting from fro-yo this evening after work.

 

Friday, I have a first date with another very attractive girl from Bumble. A bit nervous, as she's the same height as me (5'8" and some change), but she seems to not care. I woke up to a Bumble message (after we spoke a bit the night before) offering me her number and to meet up this week. She actually looks like a sweet lady, and I like that she's originally from the south (hoping NY hasn't contaminated her too much yet). Meeting from coffee/dessert Friday evening after work.

 

Another girl from Bumble gave me her number, I called and left a voicemail Monday night, haven't heard back. I might hear back from her, I might not. But guess who doesn't care? lol

 

Can't wait until I'm (someday?) done with this dating sh*t lol

[John John]

Met my friend's friend tonight...she's quite cuter than I expected, I have to say! I wouldn't say she's "hot" but she's very cute, which is fine by me. Not my usual type as she's a bit exotic...but she seems really cool and easygoing. Almost TOO easygoing, if that's a thing. Might be the kind of woman I need to balance me out (since I'm not easygoing and generally usually worried about something in my mind lol). We texted each other a bit just now, and I think there's going to be a second date for sure.

 

Also excited to meet the other Bumble girl on Friday. She's hot and seems really nice/sweet (but have to meet her first, of course). Now I'm starting to get nervous about balancing all these dates and confusing details of each lady lol. I've done this a few times in the past, and it gets exhausting after a while. But it's also a bit fun. Just want to try and not string anyone along, as I wouldn't want that done to me.

[John John]

In a bit of weird (but overall, pretty good) mood today. I suddenly have a few decent prospects (like my therapist pointed out last night)...and yet, the height thing continues to bug me. It doesn't always bug me, and I'm much better now at managing it than I used to be.

 

I just wish I could be (#AlmostQuotingMyDiaryTitle) confident all the time. I feel like there are some men out there who are like that. They don't have this one glaring flaw that women/society in general seem to have this disdain for. There's one guy who's a long-time ENA poster...and he seems like the type to be confident 24/7/365 (and of course, he's very tall...). I feel like, no matter what my accomplishments or other factors, this always (at some point) boomerangs back to bring it down. I get through it easier and bounce back faster now, but it still sucks.

 

I just wish I could be confident all the time like all women expect. Men really aren't allowed to have insecurities (honestly, confidence in women is very nice, but it's more of a "nice to have/added bonus" than a demand the way women demand it in men - as long as she's not insecure to the point where it's ridiculous). I definitely learned in the past that, when it comes to my future relationships, I will be keeping my insecurities to myself as much as I can.

 

Overall...I now recognize why I do this. It all relates to sh*t I've been through in the past. I'm able to recognize it better. But it obviously still affects me, and I guess it tends to manifest itself in this specific insecurity. No one's perfect, and we all come in different shapes and sizes, and I respect that. I think my history of bullying has, in a way, made me my own worst bully.

 

At the very least, at least now I'm able to recognize where this sh*t comes from. Progress. Even my therapist said last night that, while I'm still bothered by this and other stuff (that I won't mention here), I seem happier and more optimistic. So there's that

[faraday]

Jay and I have talked about this (in general, not you ) and he's told me he has major dips in his confidence on a regular basis. I had no idea. His trick is to smile knowingly and not say anything. That smile is c*cky and I love it...and I would never had thought that he doubts himself.

 

I don't get the confidence bit. I was born knowing exactly who I am and being unapologetically myself....my only frustration with that is that...I wish I was a bit less quirky...more mainstream...because I dress weird and have weird topics that interest me...so it really cuts down on who I can be close to....because most people just don't get me right away. They like me, they want to be around me...but it's like...being a fabulous gay man I would think. People want to be my friend for the novelty.

 

Anyway. Sorry about the tangent.

 

I guess what I'm saying is, the flip side isn't always easy either (not that you said it was)...so just fake it. Smile that c*cky smile of yours and pretend you have it all figured out...because honestly...no one has it figured out.

[John John]

Jay and I have talked about this (in general, not you ) and he's told me he has major dips in his confidence on a regular basis. I had no idea. His trick is to smile knowingly and not say anything. That smile is c*cky and I love it...and I would never had thought that he doubts himself.

 

I don't get the confidence bit. I was born knowing exactly who I am and being unapologetically myself....my only frustration with that is that...I wish I was a bit less quirky...more mainstream...because I dress weird and have weird topics that interest me...so it really cuts down on who I can be close to....because most people just don't get me right away. They like me, they want to be around me...but it's like...being a fabulous gay man I would think. People want to be my friend for the novelty.

 

Anyway. Sorry about the tangent.

 

I guess what I'm saying is, the flip side isn't always easy either (not that you said it was)...so just fake it. Smile that c*cky smile of yours and pretend you have it all figured out...because honestly...no one has it figured out.

 

This is actually very helpful. Thank you faraday! It's nice to hear that it's not an instant attraction killer if a woman learns that her bf/husband isn't confident all the time. Being confident all the time is hard.

 

I'm much better than I was at faking it though. It's much more convincing. I know because I DO get results

[faraday]

As long as a man doesn't manifest his lack of confidence in obnoxious ways....like becoming super possessive and controlling...it's fine.

 

Having self doubt once in a while is probably a good thing...it keeps people humble. Easier to be around.

[John John]

As long as a man doesn't manifest his lack of confidence in obnoxious ways....like becoming super possessive and controlling...it's fine.

 

Having self doubt once in a while is probably a good thing...it keeps people humble. Easier to be around.

 

Totally understand and agree. I've always said I've found it endearing when a woman I'm interested in has some insecurities. It kinda makes me love her more and want to protect her lol

 

Just as long as she's not asking for validation every 5 seconds, then it's fine

[reinventmyself]

Totally understand and agree. I've always said I've found it endearing when a woman I'm interested in has some insecurities. It kinda makes me love her more and want to protect her lol

 

Just as long as she's not asking for validation every 5 seconds, then it's fine

 

I think the same goes both ways. Overly confident, then I am suspicious. Show me your vulnerable side, it makes you human and genuine.

Too much of either is not good.

[milly007]

I think we're all looking for someone who likes themselves; someone who's comfortable in their own skin. We all have our self-doubts now and then. We've all been there.

 

I recently went out on a second date with a seemingly confident guy. He didn't seem phased by anything. However, when he was walking me to a cab, he tripped slightly over this dip in the sidewalk. I couldn't believe how embarrassed he was when I asked if he was ok. This was the first time I saw him somewhat vulnerable during our first two dates. Although I don't like the fact that he almost took a tumble, it was during this moment he became even cuter in my eyes. Cheesy, I know. At this point I felt we connected on a different level.

 

This is the beauty of vulnerability. I feel as if I need it in order to connect with someone on a deeper level. Without it, my connections with people (including dates) wouldn't be the same, and not nearly as enjoyable.

[itsallgrand]

It sounds to me like you have some deep rooted beliefs about what women want. But who are these women, John?! Women expect men to always be confident - who says?! Who are these particular women, because it's such a huge generalization, do you really think all women expect or even want that?

 

At the same time, I'm sorry, but I keep seeing these double standards you yourself place on women. Example being how you are 'seeing how things go' with a woman who personality wise has had your alarm bells ringing from the start. And in this last date, continued her materialistic theme. But you find her hot...so she still gets your time. Really think about that.

 

This idea too that women can get away with and it's a plus only if she's got confidence... Says who?! You get to decide your standard, no one else. Why choose that, especially if you resent it?

 

I wish you the best in your quest. These are just things that pop out at me. If a guy said to me, it's a nice bonus you have confidence but not important, I'd not be impressed. He's free to choose what he values in a potential partner, but to have hard work dismissed so out of hand like that?! Yeah, I wouldn't like it.

 

It's almost as if you've internalized this stuff so deep, you don't realize you don't have to go along with that story line. Women as hunted.. Bah. I think that's a matter of individual choices, but hey, I'm just one person.

[John John]

It sounds to me like you have some deep rooted beliefs about what women want. But who are these women, John?! Women expect men to always be confident - who says?! Who are these particular women, because it's such a huge generalization, do you really think all women expect or even want that?

 

At the same time, I'm sorry, but I keep seeing these double standards you yourself place on women. Example being how you are 'seeing how things go' with a woman who personality wise has had your alarm bells ringing from the start. And in this last date, continued her materialistic theme. But you find her hot...so she still gets your time. Really think about that.

 

This idea too that women can get away with and it's a plus only if she's got confidence... Says who?! You get to decide your standard, no one else. Why choose that, especially if you resent it?

 

I wish you the best in your quest. These are just things that pop out at me. If a guy said to me, it's a nice bonus you have confidence but not important, I'd not be impressed. He's free to choose what he values in a potential partner, but to have hard work dismissed so out of hand like that?! Yeah, I wouldn't like it.

 

It's almost as if you've internalized this stuff so deep, you don't realize you don't have to go along with that story line. Women as hunted.. Bah. I think that's a matter of individual choices, but hey, I'm just one person.

 

Hey IAG! I actually read your response last night, and wanted to sleep on and ponder what you said before I responded. Based on what I wrote here, your thoughts are not unwarranted. But I suppose I should clarify a few things.

 

With regards to confidence being a "nice to have/added bonus," I've thought it over, and I think I mean this when in the initial stages of dating a new woman. In the five years I spent with my ex-gf, I would say one of the things I liked about her was her confidence. I actually think she was almost a tad arrogant at times...but I've often imagined how it would be on the flip side...if she was super insecure. And yeah...that would be a turn-off. I know there were a few moments where she'd be getting dressed and ask me "does my butt look big in this dress" lol or something like that...and I found those occasional moments cute. Made me love her more, in a way. But if that was every second of every day...it would be a very different story.

 

When I'm initially dating a new woman, what attracts me to her are her looks and her personality. I suppose that confidence is of course a part of her personality...but confidence isn't something that I think I (or many guys, unless I'm totally wrong, maybe I am) look for initially. But if there's zero confidence, then yeah, this would be an issue over the long-term. Hope I'm making sense...

 

With regards to the first girl, I was going to drop her after the second date. But two of my friends have said to me that they think she really likes me because she came out to my neck of the woods for the second date, and because she's kept expressing interest with me basically spending zero money on her so far. She does seem princess-y, and I told my friends my reservations on this. But they said that if she really were like that, she would have already lost interest when I spent less than $30 on her for the first two dates (and that includes my meal! lol). I also decided to see her again because she was actually kinda nice in some ways. She complimented me a few times, gave me a really nice greeting when she first saw me (actually, she sorta snuck up on me lol), and just more affectionate. Overall, I still don't know about her...but I didn't see the harm in one more date. And yeah, I will admit...her looks do play a part in it. But they will not make it so that I end up in relationship with her if I don't "feel it" in terms of her personality, just to make that clear.

 

As far as the deep rooted mantras that you said I repeat in my head (and I definitely do that)...you sound like my therapist! I'm working on unraveling the sh*t in my head. I just know that, due to a number of circumstances, I've always struggled with confidence. And you always, ALWAYS hear from others how much women value confidence. Yeah, men value it in women as well, but I just feel like you hear the former a lot more. So it's made me feel like I have to be confident all the time. I know that's not the case, and I'm working in therapy to rid myself of these limiting beliefs...but that's where it all comes from.

[Sportster2005]

Men do have to be confident all the time. Even when being vulnerable. Being vulnerable doesn't mean lacking confidence. It's a mantra in most men's minds because it's a truism, not a generalization.

 

Hot people generally get away with more. No one is immune to the lure of extreme lust and attraction.