Video games... are they bad

[Rabican]

Ok so I know this maybe be a bit silly, but I thought I would post this here for some non biased opinions. I havent posted in ages and I thought most of the other forums I use are mostly guys so they may see this more my way.

 

Im married, 3 kids, I work, wife is stay at home mom to the rugrats. Before the 3 kids I used to do martial arts almost every night of the week, or fish a lot, mountain bike, etc. Now that I have kids my time to do these things is about nil. So I enjoy my down time at home usually playing video games. Its something Ive always enjoyed, I did it before we were together, before we married and still do. Its a CONSTANT battle with her. "you need to grow up" is the line that I hear most frequently about it.

 

Usually Ill wait until the kids are in bed, or until shes in bed to get my gaming in. Every so often Ill play something for a little bit while the kids are up... but not often. Ive always been a night owl... since day one so this is nothing new to her she knew what she was getting, or should have. I dont sleep a lot at night. Go to bed at 2 or 3 and Im good in the morning. So yes, I do stay up late sometimes playing. But I still get up in the mornings, still go to work and do my job, still take the kids to school, still help with chores around the house.... probably way more chores than the average guy who works while his wife stays home, I put my kids to bed at night.... etc

 

The other day we were arguing about me gaming, I flat said whats the difference between me playing a game and you watching tv? You want me to quit gaming, you quit watching tv. She watches a LOT of TV. The other day she called me in from chores I was doing outside to help get my daughter showered (shes 2). I said you do it Im doing something outside. She wanted to watch TV instead... dont get me started on that one. Its ok for her to watch tv, but not ok for me to game. Im not really sure the difference as both are sitting in front of a screen. I ask her all the time to watch some of the shows I like with me... vikings, game of thrones, walking dead, etc. she wont as she hates nearly everything I watch.

 

Im honestly not sure if the fact that she thinks the games are just childish is the problem, or if its just a control thing... that she doesnt like them so she wants me not to play them. Either way I see it as a harmless hobby... compared to the many other things that someone could do wrong its pretty minor in my book. Im not out drinking, I dont spend a lot of money on it... in fact I havent bought a new game in ages.

 

Anyways.... Id like to hear some peoples thoughts on this.

[j.man]

Some partners simply hate seeing you enjoying something. Some can't stand the fact it's something that doesn't include them. Others are just unhappy themselves. I've had a girlfriend for each category. Or there might be something genuinely lacking that you haven't picked up on. However, if that were the case, I'd hope she would be mature enough to be direct rather than chide you over the games.

 

If you're working, putting food on the table, helping out with dishes, spending time with her and the kids, and simply winding down after it's lights out for the wife and kiddos, I don't see a single problem wrong with it. Personally, I love kicking back in the living room by myself at night with the lights off and the PS4 on. Girlfriend went to bed early tonight, so that's actually probably what I'm gonna do right now.

 

Do you at least go to bed with her sometimes or do you just kinda wave her off as she exits?

[Ms Darcy]

I think you two need to sit down and try to figure out what division of labor is fair. Like a lot of men, you are saying "hey, I HELP. You stay home. I'm doing more than most breadwinner dads."

 

Meanwhile, being a stay at home parent can be far more emotionally draining than any other job and she may not feel like you are as present as she needs.

 

 

It's a very common issue and I would suggest counseling for a neutral third party to talk to you both about it.

[Crank]

She prob wont tell you the real reason it bothers her. And no there isnt any difference between her watching tv or you playing a game. In some cases, her watching tv is her way of retaliating. The deeper problem could be maybe she just wants to do something with you? Couldn't hurt to explain how thats your version of "guy time". If you both do do things together, well it has been known for girls to have that jealous way of thinking that "you care more about the game than me" which to me just says they dont understand that guys still need some time to themselves once in a while.

[Coily]

A few questions come to mind.

 

When you game is it an every night thing or a few days a week?

Maybe changing your routine may ease negotiations

 

Are there any co-op games that you could ask her to join you in playing?

Make it something you both can do, so that she either "get's it" or can at least not see gaming as you exclusively doing your thing

 

Outside of TV does your wife get break time from the kids?

She maybe resenting you having an escape from the daily grind, and TV just isn't cutting it so she takes it out on your pleasure of gaming.

[Rabican]

Shes not really in to gaming. Believe me Id love it if she were. Theres not a lot of things that we do together nowadays and thats probably part of the problem. She doesnt really trust anyone to watch the kids... our family lives far away and we dont have a babysitter. Couldnt tell you when the last night out was between us... months ago when her mom visited. Im sure part of the problem is us not having things we like to do together... its sort of a dog chasing its tail it just goes round and round. By the end of the night shes tired and drained from having the kids all day. So suggesting a game of monopoly or scrabble etc. shes just like no.. not tonight... every night. Which I can understand. By the end of the night Im just thinking its decompress time... and thats my gaming.

 

Sometimes I game while shes still awake but in bed, and sometimes I wait until shes asleep. Tonight she was watching wrestling... I have as much interest in that as she does the walking dead which gives her nightmares. I did on the other hand come home, take the two boys outside to play for an hour while I fried some chicken outside. I got them showered, put to bed, read a story, took out the trash and did litter boxes... then when Im like ok its me time... grief about me not being grown up. Sorry I thought I was allowed a little time to myself after Waking, chores, kids to school, grocery shopping, work, then home for my litany of chores and stuff with the kids.

[Snny]

You were an outdoor person before. Why not take the kids on hiking trips? Walk around parks? Teach them how to fish? Anytime there is an outdoor activity, you should involve them as much as you can. It will later become a serious challenge when your kids start seeing their dad game nearly everyday (and overnight) and pick up the habit- and when you try to curb it because they let it get the way of their school work or become out of shape, they'll turn it on you. Kids learn habits from their parents.

 

Gaming or doing any other hobby in moderation is fine. It becomes a problem when you start using it as escapism and you let it overrule your life. Unfortunately many video game companies market their products to be addictive as possible to stay in business. I have seen marriages fall apart over gaming addiction- it is a real problem. But IMO a grown, married man who is a father shouldn't be up playing video games until 2 or 3 am. That's college student behavior.

[j.man]

I think you just need to flat out tell her something to the effect of, "Look, I'm not going to get rid of the games. If there's something specifically about them or if there's another issue that you think we need to work on, I am all ears, but I can't work on it unless I know what it is. I want to help. Let's sit down and hash it out." I get that sometimes an arbiter is needed, but if she can't at least communicate an issue for you two to fumble around with, that's real bad.

 

I'd like to give her the benefit of not assuming she's simply the type to resent seeing her partner enjoying himself with his own hobby, so hopefully a direct approach can provide you a more direct answer, or at least get you in that direction.

 

Though another possibility stuck out for me. You mentioned all the active hobbies you used to have and how video games are pretty much the only one left remaining. How's your weight / fitness going? Video games are seen as a lazy man's hobby, and if you're slipping out of shape, it certainly doesn't help with the stigma.

 

I'll agree with Snny that a grown dad playing video games routinely into the wee hours is out of the norm, so long as he's not derelict in his duties with his wife, kids, and home, it should be forgivable.

[melancholy123]

I think you need to find a balance with your gaming and her with her TV watching. An effort on both parts to do at least a few more things together may help. She may resent going to bed alone while you are glued to your game. My husband is often up late watching tv or sleeping in front of it, while I have gone to bed. Sometimes it bugs me, sometimes not. Maybe if you cut back a bit she would agree to as well, then spend time with the kids or on a hobby you both enjoy. With summer coming, maybe do outdoor things together.

[j.man]

I will say that telling you to grow up because of the gaming while she watches wrestling is pretty rich.

[thejigsup]

I don't have anything against video games per se, but couldn't you be giving your wife some loving instead of playing a video game? I'd rather a man I'm with watch porn than play video games. I think they're for kids, but that's just me. Maybe she thinks like I do and sees you as a boy, not a man. That's a little harsh, I should just say she sees you as a boy when you're playing video games. People of all ages watch t.v., I don't, but a lot of people do. More than play video games, anyway. Try bringing her flowers and taking the entire family out for a treat. That might make her happy.

[j.man]

Another thing I'd consider is what you're going to do when your kids get older and notice daddy gets to stay up late playing fun video games. I'm sad to say it, but I think that's where even I might draw the line. Once they're old enough to notice, I do think you have to think about the kind of example you'd set, which I could tell you for sure is on her mind.

[Rabican]

You were an outdoor person before. Why not take the kids on hiking trips? Walk around parks? Teach them how to fish? Anytime there is an outdoor activity, you should involve them as much as you can. It will later become a serious challenge when your kids start seeing their dad game nearly everyday (and overnight) and pick up the habit- and when you try to curb it because they let it get the way of their school work or become out of shape, they'll turn it on you. Kids learn habits from their parents.

 

Gaming or doing any other hobby in moderation is fine. It becomes a problem when you start using it as escapism and you let it overrule your life. Unfortunately many video game companies market their products to be addictive as possible to stay in business. I have seen marriages fall apart over gaming addiction- it is a real problem. But IMO a grown, married man who is a father shouldn't be up playing video games until 2 or 3 am. That's college student behavior.

 

 

I take my kids out all the time to do stuff. We hike, we fish, just went last weekend... my kid is in cub scouts, we just went camping two weekends ago. We go bike riding etc. I do a LOT of stuff with the kids, a lot of times even when my wife doesnt want to. I took 2 of the 3 to the beach sunday and then all 3 of them to the playground after.

 

Heres a question for you. Would it be different if I stayed up late watching tv? Because it does not seem to bother my wife that I watch tv... its just the games. Despite the fact that I do a lot of things around the house and with the kids. Like I said when I play its usually just late at night. You say thats college student behavior, I think telling a grown adult they have a bed time is elementary school behavior. I wouldnt dream of ever telling my wife when I thought she had to be in bed... its insulting.

[Ms Darcy]

"... she's tired and drained from having the kids all day."

 

I don't think the underlying issue is video gaming.

[Rabican]

Look 3 kids are a handful, I jokingly do the braveheart "frrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedoooooooooooooooooommmmmm" yell when I get them to bed every night. Its obvious that gaming per say isnt the problem. Its either time not spent with her, or whatever... my point is that its something I enjoy doing. With everything I do in a day I too need some time to just chill and unwind. I just think if I said ok Ill quit gaming, and take up reading, or whatever thatll be the next fight.

[Clio]

It sounds like both of you prefer a screen to each other's company and that is problematic, especially since you do not even like the same screens. If that is negatively impacting on your sex life, even worse. On top of it, she probably is fed up being at home all the time. Do you ever get out as a couple without the kids? It sounds like you have stopped having fun together hence her inability to see your side if things. She probably sees your gaming as something that keeps you away from spending time together, hence her dislike. You are right in that her tv habit is equally problematic. You both need to reflect on what these habits add and what they subtract from your quality of life. If they are stopping you from being a team then you may want to substitute part of it with something you both enjoy, preferably away from screens.

[saluk]

According to theesa.com "The average gamer is 35 years old, and 74 percent are age 18 or older." Of course they have an incentive to highlight the positives, but still.

 

Games are not just for kids and haven't been for a long time. (Since the beginning actually) People of all ages play. Both of my grandfather's played games on their computers when I was growing up (wolfenstein, lemmings); my parents played games (they were super competitive with tetris), so of course we grew up with them. They are much better than watching reality tv, that's for sure. But there is definitely a stigma a lot of people seem to have that they are childish. I really don't see how running around throwing a ball back and forth is any more grown up than engaging in teamwork on some online shooter game for instance. At my tech job we play games occasionally as a team building exercise, and many of the guys who work there manage to spend some time gaming and still have a successful family life.

 

Balance is however important. If you are going to bed after your wife too often that is going to create distance. If you aren't spending real quality time together that is going to create distance. She has a stigma or just doesn't like games, so when you play, it is going to increase whatever existing resentment may be there. I sensed some similar resentment with you and her tv watching - while some of that may be a reaction to her being annoyed with your gaming, you may also see her tv watching as a bit of a negative in the same way she sees your gaming. You need to have your hobbys for sure, but the connection between the two of you is more important, and if it's not being strengthened, all other problems are going to increase. The two of you are so busy parenting, that there is no time left to marriage; and your recharge time is being spent on yourselves instead of each other.

[Snny]

I really don't see how running around throwing a ball back and forth is any more grown up than engaging in teamwork on some online shooter game for instance.

Except one is getting out and doing physical activity.

 

Balance is however important. If you are going to bed after your wife too often that is going to create distance. If you aren't spending real quality time together that is going to create distance. She has a stigma or just doesn't like games, so when you play, it is going to increase whatever existing resentment may be there. I sensed some similar resentment with you and her tv watching - while some of that may be a reaction to her being annoyed with your gaming, you may also see her tv watching as a bit of a negative in the same way she sees your gaming. You need to have your hobbys for sure, but the connection between the two of you is more important, and if it's not being strengthened, all other problems are going to increase. The two of you are so busy parenting, that there is no time left to marriage; and your recharge time is being spent on yourselves instead of each other.

This hits the nail on the head. This is the core issue.

 

Heres a question for you. Would it be different if I stayed up late watching tv?

Here's a question for you: would you want your kids to be staying up late every night watching tv? Neither are good.

 

You say thats college student behavior, I think telling a grown adult they have a bed time is elementary school behavior.

No where in my post did I say you have to go to bed at a decent hour. Stop twisting my words around.

 

As a father, you need to think about the example you are setting for your children. Would you want them to be up 3 am playing video games or watching TV?

As a husband, you need to think about how much time you are setting for your wife. Saulk said it perfectly.

[SapphireNoir10]

Gaming is not bad as long as it doesn't take over your life. As in, it's like any hobby.

 

If it's stopping you from being a good parent or a good husband then it's a problem.

 

I am a mum of two and I LOVE gaming and I managed to fit in a few hours a week often my husband will be catching up on his work or watching a TV show he loves but I don't and I'll game for a few hours after kids go to bed.

 

People spend hours watching TV and I don't see gaming as being much different.

 

Although, I don't see it beings TOO good for your health to stay up till 2-3 and then probably get up at 7am but thats a health thing not a video games are bad thing.

 

It's your hobby, you shouldn't have to give it up totally but there is probably a compromise somewhere. I'd be worried if my husband was staying up that late to game and then possibly driving etc or I'd be worrying his job performance wouldn't be great.

 

I probably game from around 9pm till 11pm 2 or 3 times a week

[Fudgie]

I really enjoy video games too. Everything in moderation. It sounds like your video games AND your wife's TV watching are both out of whack. You both should try cutting down a bit on the screen time (it goes both ways!!!) and devote some time at night to each other, after the kids are in bed. It sounds like there is a bit of a disconnect between you two.

 

I feel the same as Sapph - I don't see much difference between playing video games and watching TV. Both are electronic mediums designed for entertainment.

[agent1607307371]

What kind of games do you play? Are they the kind where you're talking/communicating with other people?

[Wolfshook]

If it is not interfering with your job/life etc then it should not be a problem for her.

 

Everybody needs something to vent off, some people play games,some play golf and some drink, I believe playing games is better than drinking.

[DancingFool]

Just like anything else, gaming is just another hobby. If you do too much and it starts getting in the way of more important things, it's a problem. Otherwise it's not.

 

My guess would be that after the kids are in bed, you two are not having enough adult time together. Probably time for a heart to heart on what is her issue really and if she has nothing, then frankly she needs to knock it off on the harping about the gaming. It just sounds like between the kids and the work, the tv and the gaming late into the night, you two are drifting apart and there is a disconnect growing.

[Wiseman2]

You know it's not about the video games, right? It's about loneliness in the marriage and resentment about doing chores and errands and who should being doing what. As far as going to bed at that hour...how's your sex life? Start there...because it's not the gaming.

Im married, 3 kids, I work, wife is stay at home mom. I enjoy my down time at home usually playing video games. Its a CONSTANT battle with her. "you need to grow up" is the line that I hear most frequently about it. Go to bed at 2 or 3 and Im good in the morning.