Applewhite Posted January 30, 2017 Author Share Posted January 30, 2017 Oh my goodness- no way. Notalady is right about context. Now, when my long time boyfriend suggested I rent a baby in the park on Mother's Day when I said it was hard to have Mother's Day when I wanted one (a weak moment!) now that was insensitive and he apologized then and for a long time after. In that case I was the one not ready to marry so that changed the context, but I digress. Look- please please lighten up. I hear of many stories like this - not a true joke proposal at a restaurant etc but this kind of playing around with getting down on bended knee, etc -he has a good sense of humor! Don't you trust him not to want to hurt you? Well I don't think he just aims to hurt me if that's what you mean, but alas I'm a bit hurt I suppose. (He doesn't even know I feel this way) Link to comment
Applewhite Posted January 30, 2017 Author Share Posted January 30, 2017 I guess I just want him to get his shot together (get a job) and propose so we can sleep together at night. It's exhausting shuffling back and forth to see each other. I also wish he'd take more lead in planning instead of leaving it Lal up to me in terms of who's spending the night where which days. Instead I get a proposal joke...To test me? Test my reaction? Link to comment
Fudgie Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 Do you not sleep over together when you stay the night at each others' houses? Link to comment
Applewhite Posted January 30, 2017 Author Share Posted January 30, 2017 Do you not sleep over together when you stay the night at each others' houses? We do but working 50+ hrs a week, having a dog that needs to be taken out and doesn't travel well etc makes it all very exhausting. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 Well there is more context that is involved that makes me think he should have been more sensitive we are both aware that a) in 5 months I have to decide where I'm moving b) he already suggested I move in with him a month ago when my lease was up c) he knows that I want to be married before living together d) he had mentioned moving in together after being together a year First of all your lease being up is irrelevant. Do what you need to do -live your life unless and until there is a proposal and a firm wedding date or at least a month you choose to have your wedding ceremony. Living together is not marriage and it's nice that he knows your wishes about not living together without being married. Remains to be seen how he feels about it. Start looking for your own apartment in the next 2 months - psychologically be on a path where you are taking care of business and independent. Not meaning to spend your money but if it turns out you're stuck with a lease that you don't need, oh well, that's life. It can be expensive to get married when it involves 2 adults with separate homes. We spent lots of $$ relocating me to where he lived, moving costs, new furniture, etc etc. All for a good cause -so take on that mindset and start saving your pennies even more so that you're ready for that kind of financial burden that has a huge light at the end of the tunnel -hopefully marriage. But do not pressure him just because your lease is up. JMHO. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted January 30, 2017 Author Share Posted January 30, 2017 My lease was up a few months ago. I was looking to move to Huntington, he threw tantrums over it. If he doesn't start talking about how to plan things in the next few months I see myself reevaluating and stepping back. Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 Haven't you only been together 6 or so months? Reading your posts is a bit stressful to me. I just feel so much pressure from you. Pressure to have sex on your schedule, pressure to have your humor, pressure to move in on your lease schedule, pressure to get married... A lease ending is NOT reason to move in together or to get married. Absolutely not. Being in a loving, committed, trusting relationship is. Especially given you were about to break things off just a week ago... So many mixed messages from you. Honestly, him making a proposal joke may have been because he's subconsciously worried about it (ie scared of it) and he made a joke out of it as a form of deflection. Link to comment
sophie274 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 Apple white - I read your post from a couple weeks ago (maybe less) about your friend who just started dating someone a few months ago and is engaged to be married 9 months from now, and how it seems crazy and that you and M are nowhere near marriage. What's changed? I do think 5 months is a bit early to be feeling like he should get a move on and propose. I don't know if i would have found the fake proposal particularly funny, but I don't think it was insensitive or manipulative. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted January 30, 2017 Author Share Posted January 30, 2017 Apple white - I read your post from a couple weeks ago (maybe less) about your friend who just started dating someone a few months ago and is engaged to be married 9 months from now, and how it seems crazy and that you and M are nowhere near marriage. What's changed? I do think 5 months is a bit early to be feeling like he should get a move on and propose. I don't know if i would have found the fake proposal particularly funny, but I don't think it was insensitive or manipulative. I don't expect him to propose. That's why I was looking at him all strange as he did the whole thing. A month ago he asked me to move in and I said no. Then I decided it's going to be really rough on him and us and me for me to move away. But if in another 5 months (total of a year) we have not made any progress I have to move if he likes it or not. What I do want: is for him to get a job and be more financially stable so that in 5 months (by then we will be together a year) we can start talking about and planning these things. What I don't want: Joking about marriage PS mustlovedogs: when was I about to break up with him last week? Just because I'm upset doesn't mean I want to break up Link to comment
Applewhite Posted January 30, 2017 Author Share Posted January 30, 2017 Apple white - I read your post from a couple weeks ago (maybe less) about your friend who just started dating someone a few months ago and is engaged to be married 9 months from now, and how it seems crazy and that you and M are nowhere near marriage. What's changed? I do think 5 months is a bit early to be feeling like he should get a move on and propose. I don't know if i would have found the fake proposal particularly funny, but I don't think it was insensitive or manipulative. I don't expect him to propose. That's why I was looking at him all strange as he did the whole thing. A month ago he asked me to move in and I said no. Then I decided it's going to be really rough on him and us and me for me to move away. But if in another 5 months (total of a year) we have not made any progress I have to move if he likes it or not. What I do want: is for him to get a job and be more financially stable so that in 5 months (by then we will be together a year) we can start talking about and planning these things. What I don't want: Joking about marriage PS mustlovedogs: when was I about to break up with him last week? Just because I'm upset doesn't mean I want to break up Link to comment
sophie274 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 It seems a bit contradictory to me to say on the one hand you weren't expecting him to propose, on the other hand it was insensitive and toying with you for him to make that joke. Why is it such a bad joke if you wouldn't want it to happen anyway? I'm an anxious person and prone to worrying now about things that may or may not happen in the future, so I get it, but I don't think you can be upset now about what may or may not happen in 5 months. So much could happen between now and then, I think it doesn't make sense to worry now about him not having it together in 5 months. And if you want to be married before you move in together but also want to move in together 5 months from now, I think you just need to rethink that plan and plan on moving to your own apartment in a year. Married before a year together (it would be 11 months right?) is a very fast timeline for most people. Best to plan on another lease for just you. Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 The vibe I got from your posts was you weren't sure you were compatible. To me that sounds like breaking up is a consideration. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted January 30, 2017 Author Share Posted January 30, 2017 It seems a bit contradictory to me to say on the one hand you weren't expecting him to propose, on the other hand it was insensitive and toying with you for him to make that joke. Why is it such a bad joke if you wouldn't want it to happen anyway? I'm an anxious person and prone to worrying now about things that may or may not happen in the future, so I get it, but I don't think you can be upset now about what may or may not happen in 5 months. So much could happen between now and then, I think it doesn't make sense to worry now about him not having it together in 5 months. And if you want to be married before you move in together but also want to move in together 5 months from now, I think you just need to rethink that plan and plan on moving to your own apartment in a year. Married before a year together (it would be 11 months right?) is a very fast timeline for most people. Best to plan on another lease for just you. You're definitely right that I am a worrier! Does the abstract part of me emotionally want him to propose? Sure! I mean I love the guy I really do. But rationally I don't want him to propose right now without having g solid income, that scares me. I can't see myself providing for the both of us so I'd like to see him pull his own weight first. I'm just upset he would joke about it that's all. It put me on an awkward spot too. I probably won't even be bringing this up to him at all. My ideal isn't for him to propose now. Here's what I would want and of course it can be some variation to this: Towards end of 1 year we start talking about these things. By then hopefully he has a job. We move in with a date set to marry within 6 months. By the time we marry we would be together 1.5 years with that plan. If his plans are way different then this, that's the time I will really start reconsidering the relationship. Does that make more sense now that I've spelled it out? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 I don't see him having a solid income and financial stability (meaning a savings, a nest egg) - in only 5 months. Maybe a job, sure - but financial stability given that he's unemployed now and money is tight? Doubtful (and no offense to him- saying for most people). Link to comment
Applewhite Posted January 30, 2017 Author Share Posted January 30, 2017 He has savings already, way more than I have Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 He has savings already, way more than I have OK that is good and good that he is being transparent. It's your turn to save -and not by moving in with him - but you show him that you're his future partner in every way and build that nest egg. I am so so thankful I did that even before I had a serious boyfriend - it gave me the luxury of choosing whether to be a full time parent and for how long, and let me get back into the workplace and my field in exactly the way I wanted to without being overly concerned about finances. I cannot stress enough how much that helps in every way including in a marriage. Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 Haven't you only been together 6 or so months? Reading your posts is a bit stressful to me. I just feel so much pressure from you. Pressure to have sex on your schedule, pressure to have your humor, pressure to move in on your lease schedule, pressure to get married... A lease ending is NOT reason to move in together or to get married. Absolutely not. Being in a loving, committed, trusting relationship is. Especially given you were about to break things off just a week ago... So many mixed messages from you. Honestly, him making a proposal joke may have been because he's subconsciously worried about it (ie scared of it) and he made a joke out of it as a form of deflection. I agree with this. Last summer, after being together for a little over a year, my now-fiancee lost his place to live because his landlord was selling it and it was to be re-modeled and the rent jacked up to a ridiculous amount that he couldn't afford. We were not engaged at the time, and with his joint child custody situation, it would have been impossible for us to live together in my tiny house with two kids even part of the time (I was not prepared to sell my house unless we were engaged). We agreed that he would look for another place to rent (with the caveat that, in an increasingly difficult rental market where we live, if he had to live with me temporarily, we could make it work). He found a place immediately, only a few minutes from my house. Six months later, when we were BOTH ready, he asked me to marry him, nearly two years into our relationship. At some point in the next year, I hope to sell my house and that we'll buy one together that works for us and his kids when they're with us. My point is not that my timeline is a perfect one, but...why the rush to ponder marriage after six months? If your bf doesn't have a job, marrying and moving in together should probably be put on hold anyway. My fiancee and I are not even getting married until next year because we both have financial things to take care of so we can start off on a good foot. Try slowing it down a little. No marriage proposal after six months shouldn't be a deal-breaker, in my opinion. It has to happen when you're BOTH ready. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted January 30, 2017 Author Share Posted January 30, 2017 We both have savings. I have near 6 months reserves he has a year+. I don't spend a lot so I'm sure I'll double my savings in the next 6 months Link to comment
Beth66 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 I think the same thing Everytime I even think of mine. I love him to death but he's lucky he's so friggin cute!!!! I might have killed him already if he wasn't! Link to comment
sophie274 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 I think the focus on a strict (and very speedy by any standards) timeline is counterproductive both because it creates anxiety and because it takes your focus away from getting to know him and figuring out if you two are compatible, long-term. On the one hand you have had some significant "issues" with him this month (significant to you, I mean), on the other hand this discussion seems to completely bypass the question of whether you two will be well suited to spend your lives together and focus on the timing and logistics. I'm not saying the relationship isn't good or that the issues are so bad you should be reconsidering it, but I think it might be more fruitful to sit back for the next few months and see how the relationship evolves rather than projecting into the future. Few people are able to commit to forever after 6 months or propose marriage after one year - if you are planning to leave if he is not ready to commit in 6 months time then perhaps you should make that clear to him now, because for most that is unrealistic. 2-3 years seems more common. Of course you can have your own standards but I wouldn't want to walk away from a man who just needs a bit more time. Link to comment
Jibralta Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 He has savings already, way more than I have All the more reason for you not to take on his student loan debt for him!!! Link to comment
Applewhite Posted January 31, 2017 Author Share Posted January 31, 2017 I think the focus on a strict (and very speedy by any standards) timeline is counterproductive both because it creates anxiety and because it takes your focus away from getting to know him and figuring out if you two are compatible, long-term. On the one hand you have had some significant "issues" with him this month (significant to you, I mean), on the other hand this discussion seems to completely bypass the question of whether you two will be well suited to spend your lives together and focus on the timing and logistics. I'm not saying the relationship isn't good or that the issues are so bad you should be reconsidering it, but I think it might be more fruitful to sit back for the next few months and see how the relationship evolves rather than projecting into the future. Few people are able to commit to forever after 6 months or propose marriage after one year - if you are planning to leave if he is not ready to commit in 6 months time then perhaps you should make that clear to him now, because for most that is unrealistic. 2-3 years seems more common. Of course you can have your own standards but I wouldn't want to walk away from a man who just needs a bit more time. I think I mentioned my timeline is not 6 mo the but more like 1.5 years Link to comment
Applewhite Posted January 31, 2017 Author Share Posted January 31, 2017 I've been fluctuating very rapidly between very happy and very unhappy. I do sometimes think I'm bipolar. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted January 31, 2017 Author Share Posted January 31, 2017 He just left and I'm crying. I don't exactly know why. Link to comment
notalady Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 Unless you're like this as well outside of this relationship, I wouldn't even bother thinking you might have bipolar. You just seem very unhappy with this relationship to be honest. Link to comment
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