Applewhite Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 I see that you're trying a strategy to manipulate the situation and to test him. Remember that is playing with fire and 2 can play at that game. It's ok to want that, another thing to act on it. I think that when someone acts out physically in anger it can be anxiety-producing to be close physically to him. I can see what you are saying about the anxiety and it makes sense, but unless I'm just lying to myself somehow (which is possible) I don't feel anxiety when with him. The overwhelming feeling is of love happiness and even safety somehow when he holds me. The underlying insecure feeling is of wanting some kind of proof that he wants me sexually too and to not be able to say yes to sex without that "proof". And also feel a bit resentful but I just don't want to feel like that and I hope over time it goes away. Realistic? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 I think it comes down to trust because otherwise you get into a whole monitoring thing about frequency etc. Many people don't have sex frequently for all sorts of reasons -illness, exhaustion, etc but they believe their partners sexually desire them and trust that that is there. I wouldn't do it as a correlation to how often he initiates or how often you have sex. If he never wants to have sex, for months or for some extremely long period of time then sure it might correlate to loss of desire. It's not fair to subject him to your insecurities. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 I think it comes down to trust because otherwise you get into a whole monitoring thing about frequency etc. Many people don't have sex frequently for all sorts of reasons -illness, exhaustion, etc but they believe their partners sexually desire them and trust that that is there. I wouldn't do it as a correlation to how often he initiates or how often you have sex. If he never wants to have sex, for months or for some extremely long period of time then sure it might correlate to loss of desire. It's not fair to subject him to your insecurities. I know. The last thing I want to do is treat him different or bad because of my insecurities. But how do I deal with them myself? Do I wait it out? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 I know. The last thing I want to do is treat him different or bad because of my insecurities. But how do I deal with them myself? Do I wait it out? By experiencing them and choosing not to react in a way that subjects him to them. So, you can pick a way to help yourself -you can exercise, write about it to yourself, call a friend for distraction (not to talk about it - could get boring too fast). I do love the book Out of the Box for Life (Berland) for this kind of thing - so, you don't try to obliterate the feeling but you choose a reaction that puts it off the radar, in the periphery. Example. Last night I was overly anxious that my son was coming down with a stomach bug. He was sleeping. I was tempted to check on him, tempted even to have the baby monitor on all night in case I heard him wake up and feel sick, etc - and tempted to talk to my husband about it incessantly. I talked about it with my husband twice but not in a hysterical way, texted a friend of mine briefly, and then knew I should not act out my insecurities by checking on my son (which could have disturbed his sleep) or annoying my husband with my overreaction. So, I did my deep breathing exercises, listened to the radio and cleaned the kitchen and the bathroom. After all that I felt calmer and also got into a more centered place where I was able to accept that sure he might be sick, was probably not sick and either way we'd live and I'd deal with it. I am sharing it to show how the process can go. Alternatively, I could have obsessed all night, driven my husband crazy and been exhausted and cranky this morning and risked waking my son. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 What is the book about exactly? I read a lot of self help books I may get it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 What is the book about exactly? I read a lot of self help books I may get it. Google it- really good synopsis and about how to deal with insecure/sabotaging thoughts. I used it when I had doubts about my relationship at the time and was panicking about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 Amazon doesn't have it for sale, odd. Unless I buy a used version Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 Rationally I know he does love me. He shows me in so many ways. Sometimes at night he holds on to me so tight until morning. If I get up, half asleep and worried he asks where I'm going. He does chores for me he doesn't have to at all, cleans up, little projects he gives himself etc. He's always hugging kissing and holding me and always tells me he loves me. If I tell him not to do something that bothers me he listens and accommodates it. He thinks of little things to make me happy and to make me comfortable. Yes he's shown me twice he has a temper but outside of that he is such an amazing man. So what if out sex drive is a bit different at this stage of life. I really can live with that, I just have to get over my own insecurities about it without damaging our relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 I think you're on the right and positive path. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 Rationally I know he does love me. He shows me in so many ways. Sometimes at night he holds on to me so tight until morning. If I get up, half asleep and worried he asks where I'm going. He does chores for me he doesn't have to at all, cleans up, little projects he gives himself etc. He's always hugging kissing and holding me and always tells me he loves me. If I tell him not to do something that bothers me he listens and accommodates it. He thinks of little things to make me happy and to make me comfortable. Yes he's shown me twice he has a temper but outside of that he is such an amazing man. So what if out sex drive is a bit different at this stage of life. I really can live with that, I just have to get over my own insecurities about it without damaging our relationship. While it's great that he shows affection and care, I wouldn't put too much weight on it as a sign of love, because I'm sure it serves a purpose for him too and he too benefits from the affection (which is also his needs) and satisfaction of doing things for you. All it shows is that you have compatible needs in terms of affection, and he likes doing things for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 OK so he was just here we had dinner at home, watched a show together, cuddled then had sex. The sex was amazing. Not to say my whole weirdness about initiating has gone away-it hasn't. Before he left he also offered to come back in the evening tomorrow assuming I'd be late, have some of the leftover pizza, take care of my dog. (I don't even know if I would be late he just offered randomly and I didn't want to shoot him down. But I still have some negative feelings. At this point I really can't tell what's causing it other than insecurities on my part. Sometimes I know he really cares about me but then thoughts creep up about whether he is just "settling" for me etc. I know he had a past relationship where he settled with someone he really wasn't into. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 What does "settling" mean to you? That he's not really attracted to you? That he feels he could do better? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 What does "settling" mean to you? That he's not really attracted to you? That he feels he could do better? Yes both....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 24, 2017 Author Share Posted January 24, 2017 So today he took it upon himself to come over while I was at work let Fluffy out (this is an alias, I will just call him Fluffy), and even do some tidying up in the kitchen. I did not ask for any of this - he just offered and I didn't say no. His assumption was that I may have a long day at work (which didn't turn out to be true). So that's what happened. He also took a few slices of leftover pizza with him it seems Which is fine. My apartment smells like him now because he was here - which makes me really happy. So that's what happened today. I think it seems to make him happy to do things for me. It makes me feel a bit awkward but not too uncomfortable. I would also do anything for him in a heartbeat. I think "doing things for the other" is his "love language" as per that book. Mine are either words of confirmation or physical touch not sure. Maybe I should do those tests in that book again... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 Sometimes I know he really cares about me but then thoughts creep up about whether he is just "settling" for me etc. Is it possible that you are projecting your own feelings onto him? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 24, 2017 Author Share Posted January 24, 2017 Is it possible that you are projecting your own feelings onto him? Do you mean I subconsciously think I am settling for him? If that's what you meant I am 100% sure that's not it. I've never been with someone I am this attracted to. 6 months in and I still have butterflies, I get nervous, excited, smile all day etc. I'm definitely smitten. I couldn't even imagine someone I want more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 You want him but you don't really like him in the sense of like hanging out with him - you do if it involves sex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 24, 2017 Author Share Posted January 24, 2017 You want him but you don't really like him in the sense of like hanging out with him - you do if it involves sex. He's very smart I enjoy talking to him. I feel he is my equal intellectually. He is kind and generous and selfless. I like his wit. I like his political opinions (very important for me). I can see myself getting old with him. I'd love to have him by my side forever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 24, 2017 Author Share Posted January 24, 2017 Now the question is does he like me? Is there an OK way to ask that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 Do you mean I subconsciously think I am settling for him? Yes, that's what I meant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 Now the question is does he like me? Is there an OK way to ask that? Do you really feel like you need to ask him this? You can't tell by how he is with you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 24, 2017 Author Share Posted January 24, 2017 Do you really feel like you need to ask him this? You can't tell by how he is with you? I feel like it is hard for me to be objective about this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 I feel like it is hard for me to be objective about this It's not meant to be objective. How you perceive someone feels about you is entirely subjective and it needs to be subjective, because how it is perceived by YOU, how it makes YOU feel, is the important thing, how he perceives it or how others perceive it is not. So yes you should be able to tell how he feels about you by the way he behaves around you. If you can't tell, or if you feel like he's settling, then there's either validity in that (ie there's something about him that makes you perceive things that way). Or you are just insecure for no reason, but do you really think that's the case? I often find, unless you're a generally insecure person, insecurity is not for no reason. I mean...it's kinda bizarre to wonder if your partner is settling for you. Let alone to ask the question. Do you think you're not good enough? In any case, I highly doubt he would ever say "yes I'm settling" to you. I don't think it'll be a useful conversation, just an insecure one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 24, 2017 Author Share Posted January 24, 2017 I think the two biggest things that make me wonder are 1) I know he had a relationship that was a significant length where he felt he settled, he's mentioned that relationship to me that's why I know 2) He isn't happy about where he is in life now, a bit depressed about it so maybe since he doesn't feel so confident about that he settled for me thinking this is all he can find etc? As for how he behaves around me, he behaves like he will just do anything to keep me happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 24, 2017 Author Share Posted January 24, 2017 I think M is a slightly more rugged, more masculine version (especially around the jaw/more square), in my oppinion a more handsome version, of Jesse Williams. In case anyone was curious Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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