An Apple a Day - A Dating Journal

[Applewhite]

Unless you're like this as well outside of this relationship, I wouldn't even bother thinking you might have bipolar.

 

You just seem very unhappy with this relationship to be honest.

But nothing bad happened. He offered to come home before me, greet me. We payed on the couch, talked briefly, then he left.

 

There's no reason for me to be upset. What is wrong with me?

[notalady]

But nothing bad happened. He offered to come home before me, greet me. We payed on the couch, talked briefly, then he left.

 

There's no reason for me to be upset. What is wrong with me?

 

Well what's going through your mind when you feel so upset and crying?

 

Generally, any relationship that makes you question your own sanity, is not a good one.

 

Same goes for relationships with lots of ups and downs.

[Applewhite]

He didn't do anything bad. He came to see me knowing I have a long day. We saw each other yesterday, we will see each other tomorrow. If anything isn't that sweet? I don't get it.

 

If anything he was watching TV here but I mean common... That can't be why I'm crying?

[notalady]

I recall being sad a lot, though not crying, when I was with my ex and knowing that he didn't want sex, that he didn't want me, the fact that he'd be happy with once in a fortnight or even less. It was always on the back of my mind, even though in any given moment, nothing in particular might have been "wrong", even when we did have sex. The sadness didn't go away because the problem didn't go away. It just wasn't there at that moment.

 

I think suffice to say there are a few things wrong with the relationship right now, it might have built up in your head and constantly triggering an emotional reaction from you.

[Applewhite]

 

I think suffice to say there are a few things wrong with the relationship right now, it might have built up in your head and constantly triggering an emotional reaction from you.

 

Since I do not like reading that, suffice to say I cannot be objective about its truth value.

[Batya33]

I was like that -very moody -in the wrong relationship. When there is a foundation of trust, security, caring and love (and I am not just referring to "in love") then there's far less of a chance in a person with a normal makeup (i.e. not otherwise depressed/bipolar, etc) for the huge ups and downs because when the core is secure, the relationship can withstand a lot, even doubts, arguments, fears, anxiety. You are each other's rock. Sort of like how my son can be all over me in a lovey dovey way and then skip off to the school bus without looking back 99% of the time. If we've had an issue that morning then he turns and wants an extra kiss -reassurance that I still love him (yes, even if I tell him lol). Honestly -the way he runs off from me knowing he won't be seeing me for 8-9 hours sometimes is a bit ego bruising but I tell myself -this is what is important -that he can walk away and have that core of security/love and know we will be there when he gets home.

 

No, you are not a child. Yes the analogy is appropriate IMO.

[Applewhite]

Could it be because my "love language" is physical/sex (I actually took the test) and right now I feel like I can't ask that from him?

[mustlovedogs]

Yes - and that's the incompatibility I mentioned. He won't ever be able to give it to you the way you really need IMO. His sex drive sounds significantly lower.

[Applewhite]

Once when we were together about a month or so I think, we had sex 3 times the same day. What was that about

 

I'm so confused

[mustlovedogs]

That's normal. Most people are more sexually active in the infatuation stage. It's normal to die down

[Batya33]

Could it be because my "love language" is physical/sex (I actually took the test) and right now I feel like I can't ask that from him?

 

Forget the "tests" and "love language". Get far more basic/simple. I agree about the incompatible sex drives.

[notalady]

Agree with mustlovedogs. First month (or few months) hormones are running high, it's all new and exciting. So it's hot and heavy, multiple times a night, then revert to your normal sex drive as things calm down.

[notalady]

Forget the "tests" and "love language". Get far more basic/simple. I agree about the incompatible sex drives.

 

Agreed. I don't think that figuring out your "love language" helps with achieving anything. Simply put, there's an incompatibility. Whether it's acceptable or workable is up to you of course.

 

No offence to people who believe in love languages, and I do think there's validity to breaking it down like that to help couples communicate and understand each other's needs, BUT, I don't think it's as important as some make it out to be.

 

I don't know anyone who doesn't enjoy all "five languages". Most people I know would like to (and do) receive and give love in a combination of all "five languages", it's usually a balance of a bit of everything and not too much or too little of one thing. Say, someone NEVER giving you a gift or NEVER compliment or say I love you, or NEVER do anything for you, or rarely do so, that would bother most people even if it's not their "love language". That's why I find knowing you and your partner's "love language" isn't as helpful or important as looking at compatibility in areas that are important to you or just generally.

[Applewhite]

Agreed. I don't think that figuring out your "love language" helps with achieving anything. Simply put, there's an incompatibility. Whether it's acceptable or workable is up to you of course.

 

No offence to people who believe in love languages, and I do think there's validity to breaking it down like that to help couples communicate and understand each other's needs, BUT, I don't think it's as important as some make it out to be.

 

I don't know anyone who doesn't enjoy all "five languages". Most people I know would like to (and do) receive and give love in a combination of all "five languages", it's usually a balance of a bit of everything and not too much or too little of one thing. Say, someone NEVER giving you a gift or NEVER compliment or say I love you, or NEVER do anything for you, or rarely do so, that would bother most people even if it's not their "love language". That's why I find knowing you and your partner's "love language" isn't as important as just being in the same (or similar) page.

But sometimes it does make a huge difference. For example he does a lot of things for me which he does out of love I'm sure. This includes things like cleaning my kitchen, doing my dishes etc. Which probably takes hours of his time. While I very much appreciate these things he does for me, little does he know that I would be 100x happier if he hugged me for 15 mins everyday and gave me full undivided attention for 15 minutes.

 

These are the kinds of things the book talks about.

[Applewhite]

Of course if he f*c*d me every day or even every other day, I'd be 1000x happier but you get the idea.

[notalady]

But sometimes it does make a huge difference. For example he does a lot of things for me which he does out of love I'm sure. This includes things like cleaning my kitchen, doing my dishes etc. Which probably takes hours of his time. While I very much appreciate these things he does for me, little does he know that I would be 100x happier if he hugged me for 15 mins everyday and gave me full undivided attention for 15 minutes.

 

These are the kinds of things the book talks about.

 

And didn't you already tell him these things (maybe in different words) and he said he'd try?

 

I also recall you wrote that he is affectionate, other than not enough sex. But now it sounds like it's not enough affection for you? If you feel like you just need to be hugged or have his undivided attention for a bit? That sounds like more than just unmatched sex drive.

[Applewhite]

He is and he isn't. It's complicated . I also don't know how objective I'm being about everything because I'm so emotional about it.

 

This is all just very hard for me right now.

 

And he is going to be here soon to sleep over, and now I feel like I have to put on a happy face and hide my feelings because I can't have too much "relationship talk" so since I do that, no I haven't expressed everything on my mind, I suppress.

 

Also I never know how much of it is real incompatibility and how much of it is just me.

 

In all fairness yesterday I came home he let me eat and relax then he was with me but with his head on my lap and mostly watching TV. I guess I kind of need to be snuggled and held.

[notalady]

little does he know that I would be 100x happier if he hugged me for 15 mins everyday

 

That's how I felt with my ex. There's not enough affection, so you feel like even just 10 minutes of hugging would make you feel so much better, just anything really. At one point, I was grasping at anything, I was happy when he reached out to hold my hands when usually he doesn't (after the first couple of months when he was intensely wooing me), or if he touch me in any way at all, I was happy and took it as a sign of love and desire. When in reality, one shouldn't feel that way in a relationship. Affection should feel freely available and you don't feel like you need this or that, it's there always.

 

The final straw for me was when I finally stayed over at his place once (we never did sleep overs due to both of our living arrangements), we went to a few places during the day, cooked at night and watched tv, sounds good right? He barely touched me at all the whole day, no hand holding or touching. I was overjoyed when he came and hug me, albeit very briefly, when I did the dishes and complimented me on the cooking. I thought see, he IS capable of affection, this might just work.

 

We watched tv on two separate lounge chairs / sofa. I asked him to lie with me on the couch, and he claimed it was too small to fit both of us. And the final final straw was, we went to bed, I was praying he'd initiate sex, because god knows I'm done initiating, I'm not doing it anymore, it's too hurtful to either be rejected or have him half heartedly participate. Well, he didn't, and we didn't cuddle or anything. We just went to sleep on our respective sides of the bed. I lied there wide awake thinking, this is how it must feel to be in a loveless marriage. And it's only been less than 6 months of dating, when it should be affection flying everywhere.

 

The next day was the same thing. And that's when I decided, I'm done. This is not what a relationship should be like.

 

Just sharing my experience, maybe you can identify with how I felt, or maybe you'll say "no he's not like that, he's affectionate etc", but really, that feeling of being deprived of what you need means that it's not enough.

 

I know you're not ready to hear it, but I just had to put it out there in the hopes that you'll at least think about it.

[Applewhite]

Well I can say with a clear head that your situation with the ex sounds way more extreme than mine. I can't really say we have spent any day together without him touching me hugging etc. So maybe I am indeed the unreasonable one here due to insecurity.

 

In fact there have been many times he not only hugs me as we sleep together but he holds tight and doesn't even let go until morning.

 

Once he was asleep hugging me so tight that I could barely breathe but I was so happy so I just made it work

 

I just hate that I can't be objective about this. I bet everything I'm saying sounds contradictory to you guys

[notalady]

Well I can say with a clear head that your situation with the ex sounds way more extreme than mine. I can't really say we have spent any day together without him touching me hugging etc. So maybe I am indeed the unreasonable one here due to insecurity.

 

In fact there have been many times he not only hugs me as we sleep together but he holds tight and doesn't even let go until morning.

 

Once he was asleep hugging me so tight that I could barely breathe but I was so happy so I just made it work

 

I just hate that I can't be objective about this. I bet everything I'm saying sounds contradictory to you guys

 

Well it does sound contradictory because you feel like he's expressing his love through doing stuff for you when all you need is some hugs and quality time. But then you say he's hugging you always, so..... I'm lost.

[notalady]

Also I do recall your thread on how he comes over and just watch tv or brings over his "toys" to play with and whatever, instead of spending time with you. Has that improved or changed at all? How much quality time are you spending together, that involves just talking to each other or maybe sharing an activity (not sitting there watching things or you watching him do things)?

[Applewhite]

Well it does sound contradictory because you feel like he's expressing his love through doing stuff for you when all you need is some hugs and quality time. But then you say he's hugging you always, so..... I'm lost.

I guess like yesterday instead of him laying on my lap I just wanted to be held and/or have sex. But I feel like I can't express that now based on how he reacted in the past as well as my insecurity combined.

 

But it's not like he gives me no affection We held hands he asked about my day, he was touching me.

 

I don't know what's going on and it's probably best I keep it to myself until I figure out what it is.

[Applewhite]

Also I do recall your thread on how he comes over and just watch tv or brings over his "toys" to play with and whatever, instead of spending time with you. Has that improved or changed at all? How much quality time are you spending together, that involves just talking to each other or maybe sharing an activity (not sitting there watching things or you watching him do things)?

When we want he's the oa together that was great. Now that that's over there isn't something we have found to replace it. So since then he just watches what he wants most of the time instead of something we chose . That could also be contributing you are right.

 

I do hope he isn't bringing his drone over

[mustlovedogs]

This is just an observation but you seem to complain about something he did or didn't do and then justify his actions despite this complaint. So I have two questions - 1) are you exaggerating how bad it is? And 2) are you actually in denial and trying to make up excuses to soothe your own insecurities about te relationship?

[notalady]

When we want he's the oa together that was great. Now that that's over there isn't something we have found to replace it. So since then he just watches what he wants most of the time instead of something we chose . That could also be contributing you are right.

 

I do hope he isn't bringing his drone over

 

Well, that sounds pretty boring, if you're not watching something you both enjoy or he's just playing with his toys. Doesn't he even ask you what you would like to watch or do together? Because the lack of shared activities (therefore lack of things to bond over) seems to be one of the problems. In addition to lack of sex.

 

Other than asking about your day and such, what else do you talk about? Do you feel like you know him very well, all the little quirks and what he likes and how he thinks and his past experiences and stories? How much does he share his thoughts and feelings?

 

With both my ex's, I felt like I knew them but I didn't really know them. We only talked about very shallow things (like our day). Whereas when current boyfriend, we both share our stories from the past, and what our families are like, and even now 1.5 years in I'm still learning new things about him that fascinates me. It just happens naturally over a meal or some drinks, or maybe we're watching something on tv and it triggers a memory and we share that.

 

Like the other day he told me a story of an argument he and his two roommates had years ago, it was fascinating to hear, because he's such an easy going person, I'd never pictured him having an argument with people. Or stories about his mum at the bachelorette party. Or the time he almost got robbed near his place and how he ran to the door and how he felt after. They made him more real to me and I feel like I know who he is deep down and how he thinks and feels.

 

Do you feel that way about your guy?