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An Apple a Day - A Dating Journal


Applewhite

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I'm usually pretty bad with journals, but hopefully I stick to this one at least for a while.

 

This journal has two purposes;

1) To get over guy I was recently dating (let's call him ManBoobs) also potentially discover why it takes me so long sometimes to let go and move on

2) Keep a log of my dating from hereon

 

Any advice or comments are appreciated!

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It doesn't always happen, but sometimes after a romantic interest that fails to materialize, I have a hard time letting go of the idea of the person. Rationally I can list all of the reasons why this person is not good for me, good to me, not what I want, and can't provide me with what I want. And maybe all those reasons help (a little?). However I still have some trouble letting go of hope that they will come back and fix it, and I keep thinking of the qualities that attracted me to them - instead of the ones that should draw me away.

 

This could be something I should discover with a therapist, but for now I will try to let it out here.

 

So I met this guy on OKC and talked to him for a few weeks before deciding to meet. I don't always screen that long, but somehow I didn't feel like meeting him right away. Perhaps because there were certain red flags - he was a "professional poker player", at 30 he'd never had a relationship.

 

I was still very interested because we had very similar world views about religion and politics - and that is something very important to me in finding a partner.

 

I explained to him in detail about what I want out of dating, what my end goal is (a relationship) and he confirmed he wanted the same. I questioned him on his ability to have one since he never experienced it, he defended himself and said he could and he wanted one.

 

So I gave him a shot. One date turned into 7-8 and towards the end something strange happened. I noticed he was not putting equal effort into planning dates and was also not very respectful of my time. We would agree we would meet 'Monday or Tuesday' and then I wouldn't hear anything from him until Sunday. I specifically wanted to hear from him, because thus far I had been the one confirming plans and I wanted to observe reciprocation. When he didn't specify anything by Sunday I decided to tell him I'm busy and we'd just meet the following week.

 

He was unhappy that he couldn't see me and tried to work out other days to meet me earlier - but I had already told him I was busy other days. I was annoyed that he made me keep my Monday/Tuesday open then didn't follow through timely. He wanted me to be "spontaneous" more. I see that as not respecting my time and not putting in effort.

 

So then I did something not so healthy. I set up a fake OKC and "Rachel" made a date with him quickly (without almost any talking) for Wed. Then I, as Apple, asked him on Wed - I know you've wanted to see me sooner and would you be able to see me tonight if I was free, you know for the sake of spontaneity. Mind you by now we had been dating almost a month, and this Rachel person had spoken to him all of 30 mins, and was flexible in scheduling with him.

 

After a week of telling me how much he wanted to see me, how he wanted to see me often etc. He texted me that he is "busy". Of course after Rachel stood him up, he sends me a message: "Spontaneous?" now that Rachel stood him up, he wants to meet me.

 

I told him never to message me again, and that I met someone.

 

The story does go on after this... but I'm not sure I have the energy to type unless someone's interested. My this is long already.

 

Basically I wanted to see if he was genuine in wanting to see me as much as he expressed. While making me open up my schedule for him, and then not respecting it, then trying to make plans with me to see me other days (where I told him I was busy already) how genuine was his desire to see me in comparison to his expressed desire? Seeing that he'd put random date with Rachel girl ahead of meeting me - it seemed more like he was filling his time whenever he was free or whenever it was convenient for him rather than looking at a date with me as something special he should plan for. It seemed like if there was nothing else to do (like meet Rachel) he would love to see me...

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I really want the rest of the story out there, so I will try to make it short. After I told him I was done, he wanted some clarification (although to end it I had lied and said I just met someone else).

 

So I told him what happened, and we were very open with each other about everything. We both agreed although we weren't quite ready for exclusivity we were both thinking about it. I told him I was more bothered about how he was disrespecting my time and not putting in effort.

 

He wanted to change that and show me he was putting in effort and we both wanted to try to see if it could work despite what just happened.

 

So he planned the next date where we talked some. He made some future plans with me to start a volunteer program together to spend time and have a common thing we do together.

 

He also (mostly on his own) decided that he wants to curb the sexual interaction (we were sexual but weren't actually having sex anyway, mostly my choice) he wanted to hold back and that although he wanted more sexually he was ready to limit it to just hugs and kisses and nothing racy.

 

Since we were now so open with each other, he let it slip that he had sex with a girl he met after me and had 3 dates with. I think his main purpose was to let me know his ED problems he was struggling with were at least in part due to his condom of choice. I think he didn't have the emotional maturity to understand although I didn't care as much about his potential ED, I *did* care that he was not only dating new girls, but also sleeping with them. (We had previously discussed getting tested and sleeping with only each other at some point).

 

While I was processing this, he also kept asking me can't I just be ok with dating him and "being platonic" (as in nothing too serious/committed?) So this got me thinking: not only were we not going forward, we were not going backward, while he went forward with other women.

 

He basically told me at some point that he is in "no way" ready for a relationship and that he thinks he needs to date many other people first, and that he needs to be friends first with anyone he's going to have a relationship with. This all seems contradictory to where he stood before I met him.

 

After I processed all this my last text to him was: "All of this would have been an non-issue if you were attracted enough. For that reason alone, this is my last text to you".

 

So I ended it. And after that I did notice on his OKC he at some point answered the question:

 

"Consider meeting someone on OKC and 'clicking'. How long would it take before you feel comfortable agreeing to stop seeing other people romantically"

 

He answered 3-5 dates. I answered 5-10.

 

That made me feel *really* crappy. Now I can't even say anything about it bc probably NC is better for me. I also can't even think of an answer that could make me feel better.

 

I think that's pretty much most of it. Probably boring to anyone who reads it...

I still feel so stuck on him, despite everything. And that makes me think there's something wrong with me.

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I can so understand it... I can imagine exactly how this would feel. Humans are all so similar. I thought the way I feel is unique because I'm mental or smth. It was a very natural reaction to the different OKC answers. Sometimes we say one thing (because in theory that's what we think), but in an actual experience it may feel different and more sensitive. But for him it was the other way - he said 3-5 dates but in reality backed off and started stalling. Whereas you were more "liberal" verbally, but less so in practice, which is normal when feelings get involved. It's like you've overestimated yourself and then discovered something differently, but there is nothing wrong with you.

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Pro-Con list for ManBoobs

 

I wish I could keep coming back to this list to edit, but I don't think the forum allows this anymore.

 

Pro

1)Same views on politics

2)Same views on religion

3)Liberal family

4)Handsome

5)Smart

6)Excited to see me

7)Sexual Chemistry

 

Cons

1)Insecure about his manboobs

2)Insecure about his possible ED

3)"professional poker player"

4)Doesn't know what he wants, wants to keep dating

5)Dated new girl and slept with her while dating me

6)Bites (I think?) toenails!

7)Takes medication for mental health issues

8 )Family history mental health issues

9)Very hairy

10)Didn't respect my time, put effort into planning dates

11)Heavy Weightlifting - risk for injury

12)Can't walk or stand long, his back hurts

13)Not a great hugger

14)Days he didn't contact me - busy sleeping with other girls?

15)Chews too much gum

16)He was planning on moving far from me, but misled me

17)He misled me about wanting a relationship

18 )No attempts to meet my friends or introduce his

19)I hurt my knee and he never asked how I was

20)He said he'd proofread a letter for me, never did

21)Favored seeing random internet girl he spoke to for 10 mins over me

22)Contacts me for "spontaneous" dates when his other plans fall through

23)At age 30, never had a relationship

24)On OKC it says he is ready to be exclusive after 3-5 dates if he clicks with someone

25)I was just so unhappy towards the end especially

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Number 6 is an instant deal breaker! GROSS!!

 

All in all, good riddance. You hit the nail on the head when you realized that not only are you guys not moving forward, but you are in fact moving backwards while he is trying to move forward with other women. Yikes!

 

In the end it just doesn't sound like you guys want the same things.

 

Moving on! You deserve better!

 

LOL @ 'manboobs'.

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Come on, WithLove! N.6 is a deal breaker??? that's so minor!! i'd be 50 times more concerned about:

 

4)Doesn't know what he wants, wants to keep dating

5)Dated new girl and slept with her while dating me

10)Didn't respect my time, put effort into planning dates

17)He misled me about wanting a relationship

19)I hurt my knee and he never asked how I was

21)Favored seeing random internet girl he spoke to for 10 mins over me

22)Contacts me for "spontaneous" dates when his other plans fall through

25)I was just so unhappy towards the end especially

 

21 is very telling! as well as not wanting to be exclusive physically while having been physical with you (even if just kissing etc). I don't know. Maybe I've too old-fashioned, but physical stuff, even "just" kissing and so on binds people together; especially women. Maybe not all, I don't know; but I tend to feel very bound and attached to someone by kissing and other physical stuff. Human system is like that, the energies get exchanged etc. Of the 5 senses, seeing and touching someone creates a certain imprint, which takes time and effort afterwards to dissolve.

 

But ask yourself what is likely to happen in a long run with this guy. Try to detach from immediate emotions and attraction, and see the situation and his likely behaviour into the future: not as you want to see it, but really as it is likely to be, as he is. I am going through the similar stuff now: in my head, I understand that the guy was not for me, I would not be happy with him. It is better to be either by myself (focusing on other aspects of life) or with someone with whom you feel emotionally safe and don't have to worry about whether he'll leave you, whether he might ignore you when you need something, cheat on you, etc etc. This kind of emotional security is possible, because i remember it vividly from my most positive and happy involvements.

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In my opinion, your mistake was giving this guy too many chances to mess with you. When he said Monday or Tuesday and then disappeared for no good reason until Sunday, you should have said thanks but no thanks.

 

Playing devil's advocate here but he didn't really disappear. We used to talk almost everyday, so we did text during those days, I just wanted him to for once take charge and plan a day, time, event. He was lazy for sure, but I wouldn't say he ever disappeared. In fact he wanted to see me way more often than I wanted to see him - he was just super lazy about planning things.

 

After I spelled out this objection to him, he made all the effort for the last date - but I think by then it was too late for me - coupled with the fact that he was already sleeping with some chick.

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Enjoyed reading your journal, Applewhite Definitely had a laugh at Manboobs. And I think you can do much better than his hairy arse!

 

It wasn't just his arse that was hairy. My god this man had hair everywhere. His whole back including neck had thick coarse inhuman hair. It was like the head on his hair never ended and just continued down his back...It was really strange. I think he was part bear.

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What about him physically attracted you?

 

We were both very physically attracted to each other from what I understood. In fact on the first date, I think he told me he liked me about 5 times. Unless he was a really good actor he was also attracted, both physically and mentally. He did have a lot of insecurities. He would worry that I was smarter than him etc (although in the same breath he'd also tell me he liked it).

 

At some point he was having doubts and telling me maybe it's unrealistic of him to have his cake and eat it too. But he lost me. Perhaps he thought he could do better - honestly I don't think he can. At least certainly not based on who he is now.

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I plan to delete my OKC profile temporarily (few weeks?) while I just focus on some other things right now. I still sometimes meet people offline - and have some new/old hobbies where I interact with people (some new).

 

Tuesday will be 2 weeks since I told him I'm done. He never tried to sway me etc. Next Tuesday I will delete his contact info from my phone and after that I will be very unlikely to respond to most messages from him - should they come.

 

This is my plan for now, sound good?

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Maybe I can take an 8 week break from OKC during which I focus on eating healthy and exercise, write on this forum, take some amazing photos and then return to OKC if I am still single. I may stay active on other dating sites, I really don't want to be on the same one ManBoobs is on for a while.

 

There are a couple of guys I am talking to, and 1-2 I may exchange contact info before I delete.

 

There is this guy D who is really fun to talk to. This guy S, who lives a bit far away. D & S both have less hair than I would prefer - but I am trying to be open minded and not superficial...

 

Another guy M, who has a job and views I really respect. And some guy J that just messaged me today, who sounds like we have a lot of opinions in common. Theres also another guy K who seems really into me and really kind. However he lives pretty far away, so we are just talking as friends right now. I confided in him a lot about what I'm going through with ManBoobs.

 

So there's never a shortage of guys interested in me really...it's just hard for me to form meaningful bonds with where I am also attracted.

 

Tomorrow I want to focus on some work that has a deadline, and in the evening I will do some restorative yoga to relax myself. I already made plans for Wed and Thu, Sat so I am busy and have less time to think about him. I was hoping to line up a date for Fri - but that might not happen...

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How is your knee? All better?

 

Aw thanks Naomi my knee is actually slowly getting better. In the beginning it was so bad I was icing it everyday.

 

It took SOOO long for it to start getting better. I do think I was partially stressed about him and flustered which was making me rush and that's when I fell. Idk maybe I am blaming everything on him now.

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I am looking for someone I can build a life with. I would have to be very compatible with them in terms of worldviews, preferences, lifestyle etc. I am very smart and highly educated. I need someone who can at least keep up, intellectually. But none of that is enough, he would have to be goal oriented and know what he wants. He would have to want a relationship and show me signals that he is emotionally equipped and mature enough to have one.

 

I don't smoke, and that is important to me. I rarely drink, but I wouldn't mind someone who does as long as it's not a daily thing.

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Simplify, that is all.

 

I'm not sure I follow.

 

---

 

 

I am focusing on keeping busy so that I have less time to think about him, regret my decision, and conjure up ways to get back.

 

Monday I saw my friends who I haven't seen in a while. Tuesday I went to a restorative yoga class. (It's so amazing!) Tonight, I will be with some 10 friends at a pool/pot luck/bbq party. Thursday I will be volunteering for Food Not Bombs in my area (look them up!).

I have nothing on Friday. On Saturday I will be at a bday party. Nothing on Sunday.

 

I wish I had dates lined up for Friday and Sunday, but I will figure out something to do...

 

Oh and I temporarily disabled my OKC. I still have profiles up on Pof/Tinder - but they seem to get less traffic anyway (plus he's not on there).

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I am remembering/processing how selfish he was beyond what I've already described.

 

1. Early on he expressed desire to meet my friends, be included in my life despite not offering the same in any capacity

 

2. Despite being very respectful of making sure the progression of the 'relationship' wasn't centered around sexual chemistry and making a lot of effort (at least towards the end), he also at one point expressed frustration and claimed how can we grow closer if we arent bonding through sex. Meanwhile he wasn't ready for a relationship or even being exclusive sexually, as he readily admitted to f*cking some other chick he met after me and had 3 dates with.

 

He was all about getting his own needs met emotionally and sexually while letting me linger and not being able to provide me anything I need.

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I am remembering/processing how selfish he was beyond what I've already described.

 

1. Early on he expressed desire to meet my friends, be included in my life despite not offering the same in any capacity

 

2. Despite being very respectful of making sure the progression of the 'relationship' wasn't centered around sexual chemistry and making a lot of effort (at least towards the end), he also at one point expressed frustration and claimed how can we grow closer if we arent bonding through sex. Meanwhile he wasn't ready for a relationship or even being exclusive sexually, as he readily admitted to f*cking some other chick he met after me and had 3 dates with.

 

He was all about getting his own needs met emotionally and sexually while letting me linger and not being able to provide me anything I need.

Maybe it is a case you want and you couldn't have.

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