Batya33 Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 Thank you Batya. The good thing is in all of the 3 relatively big conflicts we had in our 6 months, while it was pretty intense or difficult before and during the conflict, at the end it is always loving, stronger, lot of teasing playing laughing and bond building after resolution. Now the only issue is I sense in myself some awkwardness+insecurity+residual resentment about me initiating sex. I don't think I can initiate from now on, for a long time if ever. I didn't think it was really "me" either but these days I do for practical reasons -we cannot be spontaneous and he often assumes that I'll just be too busy cleaning up at night/too exhausted, etc so it's best if I let him know we can that night. The only times he turned me down is when he doesn't feel well or is swamped at work and then he gives me a raincheck for the next day or the next possible day. Before children it was spontaneous and much more frequent -and while he technically might have initiated it was just more of a mutual thing that happened. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 I didn't think it was really "me" either but these days I do for practical reasons -we cannot be spontaneous and he often assumes that I'll just be too busy cleaning up at night/too exhausted, etc so it's best if I let him know we can that night. The only times he turned me down is when he doesn't feel well or is swamped at work and then he gives me a raincheck for the next day or the next possible day. Before children it was spontaneous and much more frequent -and while he technically might have initiated it was just more of a mutual thing that happened. Lol, Batya, I don't have children but I am the same way: for the past half year or so, sex has not been spontaneous in my relationship. He works a lot, I work, he does MMA at a gym 3x a week (and I do NOT want to touch him after that, he is crusty!), we have social engagements, etc. So I'll tell him or he'll tell me "Hey, do you want to have sex later today/tomorrow/whatever" and we plan ahead. I know it sounds awfully unromantic but I have done this in previous relationships before and it's not really a big deal. Once you start having sex, pieces start to fall into place. The initiation really doesn't matter and it's usually asked about a day in advance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 Lol, Batya, I don't have children but I am the same way: for the past half year or so, sex has not been spontaneous in my relationship. He works a lot, I work, he does MMA at a gym 3x a week (and I do NOT want to touch him after that, he is crusty!), we have social engagements, etc. So I'll tell him or he'll tell me "Hey, do you want to have sex later today/tomorrow/whatever" and we plan ahead. I know it sounds awfully unromantic but I have done this in previous relationships before and it's not really a big deal. Once you start having sex, pieces start to fall into place. The initiation really doesn't matter and it's usually asked about a day in advance. Yes, yes! I was worried too about the lack of spontaneity but if we don't then...we probably won't for practical reasons. Also at least for us, if we plan it (even an hour in advance because of course I have to run that dishwasher first!) it's highly unlikely it won't happen and at least on my end it would have to be very serious to change my mind -I want him to see how important it is to me to not just be mom and dad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 16, 2017 Author Share Posted January 16, 2017 Who am I kidding here. I love him dearly and know he loves me but I am not happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 Who am I kidding here. I love him dearly and know he loves me but I am not happy.[/QUOTI What changes would need to happen for you to feel happy in this relationship? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 16, 2017 Author Share Posted January 16, 2017 Who am I kidding here. I love him dearly and know he loves me but I am not happy.[/QUOTI What changes would need to happen for you to feel happy in this relationship? I am so immensely sad right now that I cannot even think clearly. I'm crying. I do love him but I am just not happy. And I am also horny and not satisfied which is further frustrating. Maybe this sounds pretty or stubborn or whatever but I am also hurt and do the know if I can get over the feeling of rejection. And if I can't, then I don't know how a relationship can survive the things I'm feeling about that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 I thought you had a good convo? So I would ask "do you like him?" "do you have fun with him?" The week or so before our wedding we met with the religious officiant for a quick pre-marital session . He said "look, I know you two love each other but do you like each other? what do you like to do together?" Amazingly on target question. What rejection? That he is not in the mood to have sex right then? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 I like him, I love him, who he is not just how he looks, we have fun, we laugh but I am not happy. Biggest reason is feeling rejected. (i) Smaller reason is because while he likes seeing me often and having me around, something makes him not know how to directly deal with me so he will watch football then get up and shovel the deck, then watch a cartoon, all the while knowing we need to talk. He even admitted something to that effect. (i) When I asked him why he felt like "a piece of meat" he mentioned 2 texts I sent (and I can get/accept that part) but also that I tried to touch him and get him hard and he wasn't in the mood and I guess he claims I didn't get the hint soon enough. I asked him how many times I've done this (I'm pretty sure the answer is once) but he refused to give a straight answer. My problem is initiating was hard enough for me and now I feel like I can never initiate at all which makes me resentful and bitter and awkward and a bunch of other negative feelings. I'm horny yet I don't want sex with him because if these things now. I can't bear the thought almost. And that makes me even angrier. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 To me, it sounds like you have a much higher drive than him and this is making you feel rejected and unwanted. I think him rejected you initiating was really hurtful for you. It sounds like you're just not getting the contact and intimacy that you need from him. It doesn't sound like he's in the wrong or you're in the wrong, you're just incompatible. That's what I'm reading here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 I think he is coming over right now to have sex but I feel like I cannot, despite being desperate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 I think he is coming over right now to have sex but I feel like I cannot, despite being desperate Having sex now won't solve anything. I think other than mismatched sex drive, the underlying issue is that he feels offended or uncomfortable when you initiate sex or send a flirty sexual text, even very infrequently, while most guys would've honestly loved that (spicing things up); and you feel offended or hurt when he reacts this way to your initiatives. I think if you really want to, tell him "this is how much sex I would need (eg 2-4 times a week), and we haven't been able to do that, so I've been feeling sexually frustrated. It's not just about sex though, it's about intimacy. Since you said you would like that much sex as well, and you're uncomfortable with me initiating, can you please tell me how we can solve this? Will you be initiating more?" But honestly, you haven't been dating that long, it shouldn't be this hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 Having sex now won't solve anything. I think other than mismatched sex drive, the underlying issue is that he feels offended or uncomfortable when you initiate sex or send a flirty sexual text, even very infrequently, while most guys would've honestly loved that (spicing things up); and you feel offended or hurt when he reacts this way to your initiatives. I think if you really want to, tell him "this is how much sex I would need (eg 2-4 times a week), and we haven't been able to do that, so I've been feeling sexually frustrated. It's not just about sex though, it's about intimacy. Since you said you would like that much sex as well, and you're uncomfortable with me initiating, can you please tell me how we can solve this? Will you be initiating more?" But honestly, you haven't been dating that long, it shouldn't be this hard. I can't give thanks on journal. I think that's the closest thing expressed here to what I feel. I feel shamed for being sexual. I had previously asked and he said he likes me initiating just as much as he likes initiating. Yesterday he said ideally he also wants sex 3-4 times a week. I'm not sure if either of those statements are backed up by actions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Also to add, I would personally not feel comfortable continuing dating someone who basically can't handle if I initiate sex. Because that would put me in a completely passive position, waiting for him to initiate even if I feel horny. I would feel a loss of control on my part. I mean sex IS a mutual thing, both sides should feel comfortable with initiating and with saying sorry not in the mood today, but let's try again in the morning or something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 He never said he can't handle me I initiating and he seems to object to that line of thinking but it's how I feel now and I don't know how I can change how I feel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mustlovedogs Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 I think he is coming over right now to have sex but I feel like I cannot, despite being desperate I find you're being a bit inconsistent. You talk about having sex and then he wants it and you don't? The dude is probably fairly confused Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 I find you're being a bit inconsistent. You talk about having sex and then he wants it and you don't? The dude is probably fairly confused It's a bit more complicated than that. I want sex, I just can't have it. I feel anger and resentment. Also this is all speculation. He isn't here yet and we don't know if he wants sex or not. If his reasoning (me being sick) was the real reason we didn't have sex all week...I am still sick....So.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 I can't give thanks on journal. I think that's the closest thing expressed here to what I feel. I feel shamed for being sexual. I had previously asked and he said he likes me initiating just as much as he likes initiating. Yesterday he said ideally he also wants sex 3-4 times a week. I'm not sure if either of those statements are backed up by actions. I have another thought -- maybe he feels ashamed that he is not as sexual as the stereotypical male (wanting sex every day, every chance they get), he ideally in his mind wants sex 3-4 times a week, but in reality, maybe his sex drive dictates that he actually doesn't. He ideally in his mind like women initiating, but when you do, and he's not in the mood, he feels ashamed and less of a man, because technically he should be getting all turned on and loving it, but he doesn't. And yet he may not feel that as a man, he can say no outright without offending you or seeming like something is wrong with him. So he internalise that shame, and it turns into feeling offended and uncomfortable. Just an alternative theory. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 I have another thought -- maybe he feels ashamed that he is not as sexual as the stereotypical male (wanting sex every day, every chance they get), he ideally in his mind wants sex 3-4 times a week, but in reality, maybe his sex drive dictates that he actually doesn't. He ideally in his mind like women initiating, but when you do, and he's not in the mood, he feels ashamed and less of a man, because technically he should be getting all turned on and loving it, but he doesn't. And yet he may not feel that as a man, he can say no outright without offending. So he internalise that shame, and it turns into feeling offended and uncomfortable. Just an alternative theory. I've thought of this many a time. It could be true. If so what to do about this? Does it mean we have to break up? I do not want to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mustlovedogs Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 It's a bit more complicated than that. I want sex, I just can't have it. I feel anger and resentment. Also this is all speculation. He isn't here yet and we don't know if he wants sex or not. If his reasoning (me being sick) was the real reason we didn't have sex all week...I am still sick....So.... I guess. I think if he offered it up and you turned him down, that would be a bit hypocritical of you. It's mixed messages. Also, it's reasonable to not have sex when you're sick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 He is driving over. I can see him moving on the app we installed. Talk about enmeshed unhealthy attachment. Feel free to gossip in my absence. Talk to you guys soon. Thank you, every single one of you who comments here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 I think he avoids talking to you and instead does chores or watches tv because he's a bit overwhelmed with your insistence that you need to TALK. It's just too much. And it's boring. Do you laugh s lot together? My husband and I worked from home today. We sat about two feet away from each other for hours and we rarely talked but it was a really comfortable silence. Then something triggered a joke we made up and we had a little inside joke going which was fun. Oh and we also discussed his love of Hershey's special dark krackel. And maybe some current events too. Seriously find it in toirvwlnvjead and heart why you are so tightly wound about him - you're focused on the sex but I say there's more to its. I asked if you like him despite loving him - do you guys like to hang with each other? Do you know what his favorite chocolate is? Do you giggle or laugh hysterically? Watch tv together? Get to the root of it within yourself before you do any more of these talks with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Can he not just do it anyway even if he's not in the mood (unless he physically can't get hard because of it lol)? Women often get told to just do it anyway even if they're not in the mood, as a way to maintain and improve intimacy. And I do that often, I enjoy it once I get into it even if at first I'm not in the mood. Why can't it be flipped around? To me it's all about making your partner happy where you can (and where it's reasonable), and being intimate is just nice and helps the relationship, you know. Since he claims to love you initiating, I would ask him, can we work out a way where I can initiate and you don't feel like a "piece of meat"? Tell me what works for you. Maybe grabbing his P and unzipping his pants isn't the way to do it, maybe he prefers more subtle ways. Also ask him to explicitly tell you if he's not in the mood rather than hinting at it and get offended when you didn't pick up on it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 I could see why you would think that but I really don't think that's the case. The first time he did dishes we were probably only dating 2-3 weeks. We handy really had any conversations. I was sleeping when he did it. The next day he cooked dinner. We do laugh when we are interacting but sometimes it seems like he is scared to interact too much. It's hard to explain . He's here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 Can he not just do it anyway even if he's not in the mood (unless he physically can't get hard because of it lol)? Women often get told to just do it anyway even if they're not in the mood, as a way to maintain and improve intimacy. And I do that often, I enjoy it once I get into it even if at first I'm not in the mood. Why can't it be flipped around? To me it's all about making your partner happy where you can (and where it's reasonable), and being intimate is just nice and helps the relationship, you know. Since he claims to love you initiating, I would ask him, can we work out a way where I can initiate and you don't feel like a "piece of meat"? Tell me what works for you. Maybe grabbing his P and unzipping his pants isn't the way to do it, maybe he prefers more subtle ways. Also ask him to explicitly tell you if he's not in the mood rather than hinting at it and get offended when you didn't pick up on it. I couldn't help but respond. I have *never* grabbed his penis and unzipped his pants. The extent to me "initiating" consists of once brushing my hand lightly against his crotch a few times while also touching his legs. That's it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 I couldn't help but respond. I have *never* grabbed his penis and unzipped his pants. The extent to me "initiating" consists of once brushing my hand lightly against his crotch a few times while also touching his legs. That's it. It was just an example but good to know it wasn't that. Still, will be good to talk to him about what works for him when you initiate. With some guys, touching leg and brushing against his crotch (or even outright grabbing / rubbing) works, but with some guys, they prefer more subtle approach like just kissing and touching their face and neck, for example. Personally I feel it's abrupt when a guy go straight to touch me in the key areas as a way to initiate, so I imagine that some guys feel that way too. I know that my boyfriend prefers that subtle approach. Again, since he said he likes you initiating, it's a simple question of how he likes it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.