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About Waraqqa

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  1. The issue is the need to explain myself. I just can't stand if there is a possibility that there might be a misunderstanding and if the person things something wrong of me. To the point where I go on thinking about it a lot, unless there is a good opportunity to explain or talk. So, I suppose it can be normal to want to avoid misunderstanding and to care what someone thinks (especially if it is a person who has some significance in one's life rather than a random stranger), but I question the extent. The specific example: few days back I got a message from a friend with whom we had a
  2. Regarding mental illness - it is just a label, what does it mean anyway? Certainly I would not call it mental wellness, so then it is a form of illness. Just like resentment, entitlement, inability to let go of something - they are all forms of mental illness, they are not wellness. I am saying this without any judgement. In fact, I've had such issues myself, and they cost me a relationship and a friendship with a person. Not to mention it is not a happy way to live. Perhaps what Tinydance is saying is not without usefulness. Don't look at it as a way to put you down, but rather to s
  3. What about reaching a detached attitude when you've been left by someone - or are being cut off without a good-bye or anything? And part of you wants to be detached in this benevolent way, respecting their choice; yet the other part feels offended that they didn't even say good-bye; and the third part is struggling with one's own regrets and inadequacy over the actions that led to this?
  4. Came across this on a FB post. I wonder if I have it in me. Has anyone here done something like this, even while there is some resentment, anger, guilt and regret for one's own mistakes that led to split, etc.? Any techniques that could enable the below, while silencing the angry internal dialogue? "Zen Buddhist Master Thich Nhat Hanh gave a complete explanation of the true meaning of detachment. He said that to truly let go is to love someone more than you have ever loved them before. When this love for another extends beyond your own personal expectations of gains, then non attac
  5. I have done crazy things, and I really shouldn't have, I was in my early thirties - supposedly a mature age. Unfortunately, my preceding rship was quite toxic and abusive, and I was conditioned to see red flags everywhere, so when the next man in my life had to move away and I wasn't ready for an LDR, crap started coming out of me. I had sent him emails complaining, being needy, and in one email pretty much accused him of having taken advantage of me and used me (he never did). He was shocked and traumatised, and of course went right off me (though he still tried to stay friends). His rejecti
  6. Thank you everybody for your replies! There used to be a button to "thank" for individual response, but it seems to be gone - but I appreciate all your advices and feedback. Any trace of personal interest I had for him is gone. I think what got me into the situation is my usual ego, which is easily inflatable and susceptible to flattery of his initial interest and all kinds of words. So, on Sunday night I went on Airbnb website and placed a request for the refund for the amount he had offered. I don't know why he had said he needed to meet to tell me how to do it - I found the online
  7. Thank you for sharing your experience, Purplepaisley. I actually had a very similar one about 2-3 years ago, and it was such a huge frustration, pain, and generally a waste of time - I had promised myself not to get involved with someone like that again, regardless if they do it intentionally or unintentionally e.g. due to cultural differences or whatnot.
  8. I understand. Part of me feels the exact same way. Another part feels some unfairness: my other two flatmates, two men, they got their refund from him. They didn't have all these blurred lines of dates attached to it all, because they are men. And I am in the situation where I have to give up the refund (and I think I will) because of this stupid dating issue... I really wish he hadn't mixed it all together. He could've refunded me first and got the admin stuff out of the way, and then proceeded to ask me out. I don't like how I got put into this situation which wouldn't even be an
  9. Normally, I'm inclined to admit that maybe we are not compatible in terms of our lifestyles and schedules and needs, and simply drop the whole thing and walk away. However, to make it more complicated, last month when I lived in the Airbnb flat of which he was landlord/manager, at the end of the month one of the flatmates caused the rest of us a lot of trouble with bad behaviour and some vandalism. S. offered the equivalent of about 100 USD to each of us to compensate us for the trouble and the stress of it all - and asked us to leave positive reviews on Airbnb. I did leave a positiv
  10. S. was the landlord of a place I stayed at last month. He asked me out multiple times. I tried to make a step forward, but found it difficult to schedule anything with him - he is very spontaneous, and also prefers to go out late at night (like 10.30 pm) whilst I am trying to shift my sleeping schedule to smth healthy that would work for me during the week also. I mean, if smth starts at 10.30, I'd probably only get home by 1am or so. Several times we tried to meet. Usually, when we had it scheduled, smth always came up, didn't materialise, and then at the actual moment of the planned tim
  11. Maybe someone in her past was upset with her for being distant, and she was cautious to make sure you don't get the same impression during times when she is busy. But yes, I would ask her directly.
  12. My two cents: Don't worry too much about the gaslighting part, or at least don't take it personally. I know how that can feel from her side, maybe she is like me - I had a psychologically abusive ex who gaslit me and was quite manipulative. The next guy I dated after him was the opposite, very frank, open, caring, and honest. But if there was a tiny speck of something that caused flashback of the ex, I was overwhelmed with fear of being a doormat again, of being manipulated, I was so afraid of it and would blow up compulsively, because in my mind I saw red flags everywhere. It was so diffi
  13. Thank you both. Very unexpectedly, I was able to catch him on phone tonight, and we discussed. He acknowledged that he has difficulties keeping in touch with many friends, and I acknowledged that I have deep-rooted issues with abandonment stemming from someone I was close to just before I met him and projected on him, and hence it is healthier for me to not be friends. He was quite kind and understanding. Then for some reason I brought up some instances from past, and that was stupid, but I can't change that now. Maybe that's one of the reasons it was good to stop this - I'm not fully capa
  14. This friend and I we were very close when lived in the same town. He now lives on a different continent. He seems a lot cooler than he used to, and while he always claims he wants to be friends, our dynamic became kind of a one-way street - he never reaches out on his own. When I do, sometimes he replies and sometimes doesn't. In the past when we lived in the same town, he got upset with me a few times b/c I was "aloof", even though I never ignored him for more than a couple of days. Maybe that's why I feel irate now, since I've to wait for his replies a lot more than a few days, and it f
  15. It's not smth you did, but the absence of compelling reasons/needs for me to stay. I don't want to get over-invested. I don't know how to be cool and detached with you (can't shift there), and being warm and affectionate feels wrong when it's uneven and half the time met with silence or dry one-liners, - I'm letting myself down. There is no space for me to give, you don't need it. The most logical alternative is for me to mirror your ways, in which case it's anyway likely to dissipate passively, which I don't like. It's like you got my loyalty that you wanted, put it in the pocket and
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