Applewhite Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 OK good point but I'm worried that your other theory is more closer to the truth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 OK good point but I'm worried that your other theory is more closer to the truth. Yes I have a feeling that it plays a part in his reaction. I would simply tell him that it's perfectly ok that he doesn't want sex as often, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, but to actually tell you if he's not feeling in the mood rather than getting offended. But ultimately, if he truly wants sex a lot less than you can handle, you need to think about that. You're already unhappy with it so yes, time to rethink things if this can't be resolved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 He came over and everything was nice to begin with. We talked, laughed etc. Then he implied let's go to bed (I assumed he would be staying over). Then he had sex with me. I didn't really want to but I didn't/couldn't say no. Then he proceeded to leave. At this point I felt imbalance, anger, frustration, sadness and just so many negative emotions. I told him if you are leaving, to get out as soon as possible. He always drags it out. He said I don't know if you are joking. Then he asked if I stay would you be nicer, I said yes. He left anyway. What are the things I need Batya had asked before. I need to be able to talk when something is bothering me. The resentment from the sex issue was bothering me but I couldn't talk. I need to know which night he is staying over and what plans are in advance rather than spontaneously. I need things that maybe he cannot give me. I need to be not ashamed to be sexual. If he has such trouble talking in person, I need to be able to communicate my needs by text. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 You seem to be very passive in all this, waiting for him to tell you if he's staying over, unable to communicate your needs and wants. Why didn't you just say you wanted him to stay over if that's the case? It's also easy enough to say, can you give me advance notice if you're staying over? Otherwise I just assume you won't be. I'm not sure what you mean about dragging it out? Can he not spend time at your place without sleeping over? I gotta admit "get out as soon as possible" is really harsh. I would've complied with your request and left immediately. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 I didn't assume he was staying then felt misled about it. When he tells me he is leaving it takes him like 30 mins to leave while I sit there experiencing him leaving in slow motion it feels 10x worse. It's hard to explain myself, I'll write longer later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 OK - so I think he left or wanted to because he probably was acting out a bit -he really didn't want to have to come over to reassure you and have sex with you and then when he accomplished that he wanted his space but he could have been more communicative/up front about it. What does he do for 30 minutes? Why not do something else like clean up in the kitchen or put on headphones/go on the computer and he can let himself out (say "take your time but I have stuff to do - i'll give you a proper goodbye now") Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 OK - so I think he left or wanted to because he probably was acting out a bit -he really didn't want to have to come over to reassure you and have sex with you and then when he accomplished that he wanted his space but he could have been more communicative/up front about it. What does he do for 30 minutes? Why not do something else like clean up in the kitchen or put on headphones/go on the computer and he can let himself out (say "take your time but I have stuff to do - i'll give you a proper goodbye now") He invited himself over to my apartment and to my bed. When he said let's go to bed I assumed to sleep. I don't think he came over to reassure me because he didn't know something was wrong. Neither did I. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 Also not the first time he left after sex. Then *he* feels like a piece of meat? Really? I just felt misled about why we went to the bedroom in the first place. I also feel like 1) when he's upset I resolve it and talk. When I'm upset I don't get to even bring it up (part me but not all me) 2) when I'm horny I get turned down. When I'm the one that doesn't want to I don't have a say (again part on me but not all) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Also not the first time he left after sex. Then *he* feels like a piece of meat? Really? I just felt misled about why we went to the bedroom in the first place. I also feel like 1) when he's upset I resolve it and talk. When I'm upset I don't get to even bring it up (part me but not all me) 2) when I'm horny I get turned down. When I'm the one that doesn't want to I don't have a say (again part on me but not all) Sounds like you behave in a very passive and petulant way in those situations and you let resentment build which leads to inappropriate outbursts over text. Own your feelings, your reactions, your responsibilities. Please never have sex if you don't want to- there is no forcing, there is no obligation (unless you choose to see if trying will make you feel more into it, like NAL posted- and I agree with that!). There's no reason to talk about every upset right then. Choose your battles. Totally fine to say to him "I would love to talk about this but now is not a good time - is it ok if we talk later?" Totally fine to tell yourself "will I be this upset in 24 hours? will it matter 5 years from now?". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mustlovedogs Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 I feel a bit like you're victimizing yourself. You said all over that you assumed he was coming over for sex, and then you say you felt misled about why you went to bed. You get upset you want more sex, then upset it doesn't happen on your terms. You're upset he didn't stay but you kicked him out. When I read what you said to him, it made me feel for him - you kicked him out and got mad he actually left. I think you need to try and process your emotions a bit more and understand what's going on. I don't think it's fair to call yourself a piece of meat when he gave you exactly what you asked for, both with the sex and with leaving. And his sex drive sounds lower than yours. His coming over may have been a lot of work and will on his end: he may have just been doing it to please you. I'm just confused with what you want from him. And why you don't say it clearly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 I have to sort out my valid concerns and not valid concerns. It's not super valid to be upset that I don't get a heads up as to when I see him etc. Because I'm realizing that I have basically near 100% access. If I want to see him I get to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 Sounds like you behave in a very passive and petulant way in those situations and you let resentment build which leads to inappropriate outbursts over text. Own your feelings, your reactions, your responsibilities. Please never have sex if you don't want to- there is no forcing, there is no obligation (unless you choose to see if trying will make you feel more into it, like NAL posted- and I agree with that!). There's no reason to talk about every upset right then. Choose your battles. Totally fine to say to him "I would love to talk about this but now is not a good time - is it ok if we talk later?" Totally fine to tell yourself "will I be this upset in 24 hours? will it matter 5 years from now?". Batya I agree I am behaving that way but I am trying to understand why. I think it is difficult for me to talk to him and it is also difficult to postpone. Some of that is because of me but I think some of that is because he comes off unapproachable to me when I need to talk about something that upsets me (he may even react angry). I asked him if I could have an hour of his undivided attention late tonight and afterward if I'm feeling OK (I'm still sick) that I would sleep over. He said : yes anything for you Which is really sweet I guess. Now I have to filter what I want to say, what I need to let go of and what I need to sort out in my own. Here is what I have so far: 1. I will apologize for reacting so badly but also remind him that when I talk to him and express what I feel he reacts angry and almost scary too so we both need to promise to not do that to each other 2. I am pretty hurt by his feeling like a piece of meat (hereon abbreviated APOM!) And his comments about me touching him (when I practically initiated once). I don't know how I can resolve these negative feelings I have, I will need time but I also want clarification of how he can tell me he likes me initiating but also reacts like this if I do.id like to understand that. 3. I also feel like APOM. First of all it seems like when he doesn't want sex it doesn't happen but when I don't it does (part my own fault). If I'm horny and he's not is he at least willing to touch me or is that too much? Or am I able to turn him down? Last time he reacted really horribly to that. If we have sex and he leaves right after that makes me feel like APOM as well. I don't know if this is a complete list. I feel scatterbrained. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Wait so...when you turned HIM down for sex, he reacted really horribly to that? How so? Also he gets angry, almost scarily so, when you simply want to talk to him? If these are true, I think you have bigger issues than incompatible sex drive here. I would call those bad reactions major red flags. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Yes, please elaborate what "reacting horribly" means in terms of turning him down. When you did turn him down, how did he react? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 A few quick things -either genuinely apologize -with no conditions -or it's irrelevant. "i am sorry I overreacted." Period. If later or separately you want to discuss a communication issue do that but not so you get to place blame for your overreaction on him. Of course it's difficult to postpone -welcome to the challenges of relationships. I think you gave him huge mixed signals about sex last night. I think its kinda high maintenance to see this in terms of "100% access" and ask him for an hour of undivided attention - sure, if you want him to give you a massage or vice versa with no interruptions but it sounds like you want him to sit there so you can get him to apologize to you and get him to express his feelings, etc. I'm telling you -you put it that way and it will end up like pulling teeth on your end. I think he is unapproachable because he knows that if he is approachable you will want to Talk about the Relationship and tell him how he needs to change (with a bit of "I apologize, but....." thrown in). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 OK maybe you are right but what is the solution here to not talk about what upsets me and keep it in? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 OK maybe you are right but what is the solution here to not talk about what upsets me and keep it in? Of course not. Here is my suggestion. One - choose your battles. Two- if you think about it and you still need to choose that battle, then put thought into timing, tone, and place/context. Do that in an other-centered way. Never have those types of discussions over text and don't text "we need to talk" - if it is that important then live up to the challenge of appropriate and thoughtful communication. Why are you looking for every excuse to play the victim? Is it just because it's easier than doing the work or is there something else going on here? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 I just feel rejected and hurt I guess. That's why. I'm trying to filter my thoughts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 You haven't clarified about his bad reactions to you turning down sex.. I think thats quite critical. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 You haven't clarified about his bad reactions to you turning down sex.. I think thats quite critical. Sorry I actually just got home from work. I also don't want everyone here ganging up on him So the first flag which I've mentioned somewhere here was the aggressive driving when I was considering moving. That's in more detail somewhere I think. When he thought I was refusing sex (I was in a way one time) he went on a rant about am I cheating on him, I think I'm so smart etc, raising voice etc. I kept trying to explain myself but it took a really long time to convince him. A couple of days ago we were talking and something I said upset him and he threw his phone dramatically on the floor and raised his voice again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I dated someone for a few months who then told me he had an anger disorder. He never got angry with me but o saw it in a different context. I was done that day because he also told me he'd already competed therapy some time ago and was done. And so was I. If he has an anger management problem and is not doing something aboit it in a very proactive way - therapy or similar I would end things right now. It's only 6 months. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 I really do not want to break up with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Sorry I actually just got home from work. I also don't want everyone here ganging up on him So the first flag which I've mentioned somewhere here was the aggressive driving when I was considering moving. That's in more detail somewhere I think. When he thought I was refusing sex (I was in a way one time) he went on a rant about am I cheating on him, I think I'm so smart etc, raising voice etc. I kept trying to explain myself but it took a really long time to convince him. A couple of days ago we were talking and something I said upset him and he threw his phone dramatically on the floor and raised his voice again. You're of course entitled to not share here what you feel uncomfortable, but I think you should realise the fact that you were afraid to share those information on here is indicating that you're afraid to hear the truth. There's no ganging up here, but I believe you know what we would say if you told us what actually happened. We'd tell you it's all a gigantic red flag and that you should run for the hills. I think you didn't want to hear that because you're not ready to leave. I know because I've been there (didn't want input on here in my journal when I was dating an ex because I knew what everyone would say and deep down, I know it was the truth). So, I will say it anyway, and you can ponder on it, no need to defend him and no need to action anything until you feel comfortable. Here it is: rant about you cheating on him and tantalising you about "you think you're so smart", raising his voice etc etc, is a major red flag. You shouldn't need to explain yourself to anyone, you shouldn't need to convince him you're not cheating, you have not given him any reason to doubt you. You should not be made to feel uncomfortable or unsafe to refuse sex when you don't feel like it. Just because you have high sex drive, doesn't mean you'll want it anytime he does or that you aren't within your right to say no. Now I understand why you didn't want to refuse sex when he said he was coming over. Sorry but this is all very very wrong. Throwing things and raising his voice when you're talking about an issue is again, a major red flag. Especially throwing things (getting physical). This is not even to mention the road rage. This guy has major issues and it's got nothing to do with mismatched sex drive or miscommunication. I had an ex (together 2.5 years), who while not as bad as your boyfriend, but would sulk if I refused sex (if he had accused me of cheating, we would've been over then and there), so I often felt pressured to do it if he wanted to, and in arguments, a few times he'd swear (not at me but in general) and kick things and once yelled at me, all of which was scary to me. And he's not even as bad as what you described, he at least tries to control his anger most of the time in these circumstances. So my point is, that this is not right, you don't have to accept this. No amount of love is worth dating someone like this. I recommend you think it over, short term pain (of a break up) is your long term gain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 I think sometimes when you write things it comes off a bit worse than it is (and of course sometimes vice versa). It's hard to explain but I don't think in general if I refused sex and had an explanation for it he wouldn't get angry like that. I think it was more frustrating to him that he sensed something was up and I was having trouble expressing myself or talking at all. In fact tonight I will likely be telling him we need to just stop being intimate for a while because of the strange things I feel about rejection etc right now. I feel like he has sex with me out of obligation and even if that is not true I need at least some time to not feel that way first. I don't expect him to throw things when I explain this to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I won't touch on the anger part of his outburst, as notalady covered that quite well. But I do want to point a double standard... Why does he fly off the handle when you turn down sex when he initiated? But yet, when the shoe is on the other foot, when you're initiating or being sexy, he's all feeling like APOM and the blame is on you. How is that fair? Why does he get to initiate and you're expected to comply but if you do the same thing, he rejects you and accuses you of making him feel bad? What makes this okay, in your eyes? Just curious Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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