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An Apple a Day - A Dating Journal


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Oh maybe it wasn't you that always suggests that

 

I've never seen anyone always suggest anything. I have seen a lot of helpful and varied and specific input and you're entitled to do with it as you wish of course. I'm sorry you're hurting and upset -all normal and a shocking way for things to end - obviously porn issues are usually kept under wraps -who would think to look for that? Good luck.

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My suggestions are hydrate (plain water) and as much cardio as you can tolerate.

Out of curiosity did you suggest this because you heard read something or your own experience?

 

Also I wonder if as much cardio as possible is a good idea when I'm sick right now, I'm on antibiotics

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Honestly assuming that I successfully stay away after breakup, this was one of the fastest times I have stopped something unhealthy. In the beginning there weren't many problems - and any problems that did come up he very successfully worked on with me. So that was a really good sign.

 

There was one time in late Dec that was a big problem, but he didn't do it again and I decided he just couldn't contrl his temper at the thought of losing me (moving further) and let that go with a watchful eye.

 

 

Here's the thing though, there shouldn't be ANY problems in the beginning. Any small problems (as they always are when they first start out), should be treated seriously and required some thinking / assessing internally. Doesn't mean you need to talk about it, but it does mean you need to think about it, as in, "what does it say about this person that he's essentially stealing butter from a colleague and seems to justify that with the fact that she's mean?" Just an example of what my ex did once after just a couple of months of dating. Or when they tell a minor white lie etc.

 

Instead of finding excuses for the person, like "he never did it again" or "he just couldn't control his temper at the thought of losing me", you need to be more critical about assessing the situation and the person. By the way these two things are often said by abuse victims. So it's quite a dangerous mentality to have.

 

I find it helpful after a break up, knowing what I know now after the fact, to think back at all the problems from when they began and identify what I should've noticed or taken more seriously when it was only small, and at what point I should've left. From that, write down some new (or affirm old) deal breakers (eg hot head, having a temper, too sensitive) and red flags (eg small "white" lies in the beginning or stories of lies they told, losing temper or stories of them losing their temper). Write down qualities and aspects that I've learned are important to me (for instance after my last relationship I figured out that I needed someone who I can actually be best friends with, I needed someone who doesn't take life too seriously and someone who is mild tempered).

 

Then when I get back into dating, I know exactly what I'm looking for (and looking to avoid), I refer back to the list regularly to remind myself of what I've learned and try to apply it to the new relationship, so that I don't make the same mistakes again.

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I got home and burst into tears immediately. I was holding it in all day.

 

Just random things running around in my head - can't organize my thoughts.

 

I was only an hour late, what is the big deal you overreacted.

I did quit porn. For you not for me. By the way this is the picture I jerked off to today, and that's why we won't have sex right now. But I only jerked off 3 times since I said I would quit 10 days ago. Aren't you proud of me? Then when he sees my disappointment he goes into anger mode and tells me how he can't stand me right now he hates me etc etc.

Also if he can lie and minimize things like this: I quit porn, it's not important to me. He can always escalate that to camgirls, talking to actual people on social media and jerking off, or even prostitutes etc. All the while getting paranoid about ME cheating on HIM. Really??

 

I saved his pictures on my phone, while he saves random girls and celebrities he jerks off to.

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I generally think about all the bad things about the ex after break up, which helps me move on and can help if you feel tempted to contact him.

 

Also, block and delete all of his contact details everywhere, so that you can't contact him even if you want to.

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Out of curiosity did you suggest this because you heard read something or your own experience?

 

Also I wonder if as much cardio as possible is a good idea when I'm sick right now, I'm on antibiotics

 

Both! (and as far as the personal experience part -to the hilt, especially the cardio and my New Year's resolution was to increase my water intake - with awesome results, including for mental/psychological health - been doing regular cardio for approximately 35 years except for part of the time when I was pregnant).

Obviously your health is your first priority.

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Out of curiosity did you suggest this because you heard read something or your own experience?

 

Also I wonder if as much cardio as possible is a good idea when I'm sick right now, I'm on antibiotics

 

If you are actually feeling suicidal that is not something I can personally help with other than to suggest as NAL did that you contact a professional, please. I hope you feel much, much better in the morning.

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Please help. In those moments of weakness when I am tempted to contact him: WHAT DO I DO????

 

You stupid stupid man , I would have done anything for you. You couldn't stop looking at porn for me.... That's what I meant to you?

 

It's not about you. He won't stop for anyone. No woman will be able to replace his habit. He will explicitly and implicitly pick porn over every woman he meets. It's not a matter of what you meant to him. It is truly sad and tragic for you that he chooses this. But it's a choice he made that you can't take personal. It's less to do with you, than his inability to have intimacy with a person vs. porn.

 

Hope things start to feel better soon. This too shall pass.

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It's not about you. He won't stop for anyone. No woman will be able to replace his habit. He will explicitly and implicitly pick porn over every woman he meets. It's not a matter of what you meant to him. It is truly sad and tragic for you that he chooses this. But it's a choice he made that you can't take personal. It's less to do with you, than his inability to have intimacy with a person vs. porn.

 

Hope things start to feel better soon. This too shall pass.

 

This is true; I have a friend whose husband recently (finally!) admitted that he is, in fact, an alcoholic, something that has been obvious to me -- and my friend, and probably a lot of other people -- for some time now. After admitting this, though, he told her, "I know I'm an alcoholic, but I'm not giving up drinking." My friend, who is miserable but also extremely financially dependent on him (she's disabled, and works part time but doesn't make enough money to survive on without him, and her family lives in another state, so she has no one to depend on), is choosing to stay with him even though he drinks too much, complains constantly, is always in a bad mood, and verbally berates her all the time. She even hinted that he got physically aggressive with her once (I think he may have pushed her, if I recall correctly). I am sad for her. She is miserable, but she believes she's trapped because of her disability, her financial dependence on him, and the fear that he'll take her son away from her (he has threatened to do so).

 

My point: People's words aren't what we should pay attention to -- it's their actions we need to believe. People can SAY anything they want -- e.g. "I'll change," or "I'm trying to change," or even "I've changed," but it amounts to nothing unless they do. Your ex doesn't want to change; he can SAY he wants to change for himself, but it's clear that he was only making motions toward changing because he was afraid you'd break up with him, and he was only making half-hearted effort at that. Recovering from addiction is not about other people -- it's about the addict realizing that his or her life (or some aspects of it) is at stake and truly wanting to make his or her life better. Any addiction -- whether it be drugs/alcohol, food, porn, gambling -- will control a person's life until that person truly wants change and is willing to live without the behavior that is negatively impacting his or her life. And, no one can be forced to give up an addiction -- whether pressure from others or threat of some negative consequence (jail, job loss, financial ruin); addicts HAVE to consciously decide, "I don't want to live this way anymore" and mean it.

 

I know it's hard, but you made the right decision. I'm still troubled by the pictures you said he was looking at. Again, even if the pictures are not of underage girls, some of them appeared to be, and that's not good. And, regardless of the age of the girls, you don't know who those girls are -- they could have been coerced into posing for photos, could have been photographed without their consent, and/or could be victims of human trafficking. It's just not a good thing, and as I mentioned in a previous response to you, these things have a way of escalating. You would NOT want the police showing up at your door because your boyfriend was looking at illegal images on the net and/or downloading them onto his (or worse, YOUR) computer. A philosophy that I have long maintained is that I refuse to be involved with people who are involved in activities that violate my moral code and/or are illegal or harmful to themselves and/or others: drug use/abuse, heavy drinking, any kind of stealing or fraud, etc. It's a healthy boundary that has kept me safe from involvement in all sorts of terrible stuff.

 

I am sorry you are feeling bad, but please know that NO ONE on this earth is worth taking your life over. Not one person or relationship. If you're truly feeling suicidal, please call a local suicide hotline and/or call your doctor right away.

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