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An Apple a Day - A Dating Journal


Applewhite

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My first date with C went well. We agree on everything politics/religion related and have similar worldviews.

I like the way he looks, although there is one thing that bugs me. His photos did not really show that he is slowly balding, I am not sure how I feel about that. It's part vanity, part wondering why he 'hid' it, but then I feel guilty for thinking that.

 

I am still struggling with surprisingly strong feelings of wanting to contact Manboobs. I would have hoped I'd be over it by now. Sigh.

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I don't think it's wrong to want to use more flattering photos online, which might mean ones that don't show a balding spot. I don't think that's lying though, especially it's a spot that's not obvious from a front facing photo

 

Yeah, I understand what you're saying. That's why I am so frustrated with myself for even thinking it. Ugh.

 

I am struggling so much today with not contacting Manboobs. It's been so long now. What's wrong with me?

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  • 1 year later...

Hello journal that I update less than once a year...

 

Since my last post im not too happy with how I take care of myself in terms of health, weight etc. Seems like that stuff (which should be top priority) has been im the back burner.

 

I've been focusing a lot of time and energy on work, which is good, but other life goals should now be a priority too and i have to balance my life better.

 

On the upside I'm very happy in a new relationship. I feel so happy and in love. We are both constantly smiling and laughing. Even when resolving conflict we are usually giggling and hugging...

 

It feels amazing.

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It's your journal and I would if I were you get more specific about what you mean by "signals" as far as emotionally equipped and mature. What precisely does that look like and why do you prefer signals over actions or behavior? Be careful not to let your intellect over complicate things and/or make them too vague.

Also would signals be enough or does he have to demonstrate those qualities every day - does he get slack for being sleep deprived or hangry?

 

This morning I had to metaphorically bite my tongue when my husband was doing an awful job disciplining our son. I had to self-talk since while he was being almost completely ineffective he also wasn't hurting our son in any way. It was so hard for me to do the mature, emotionally equipped thing as you would put it and not intervene - not give "suggestions".

 

And of course I get no credit for silence- for all he knows I heard nothing of it because I was in the kitchen listening to a radio program. So he got no signals from me about my mature choice and unless he asks my advice he'll never know. I give this example because it's very specific and very typical of a long term relationship. If you're going to go down the path of expecting signals make sure you know what you want - you might think you know as in "duh everyone wants that" but you'd. be surprised how much individuality there is in that want. Alternatively you can decide that the only signals you need are someone who calls when he says he will for example.

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My first date with C went well. We agree on everything politics/religion related and have similar worldviews.

I like the way he looks, although there is one thing that bugs me. His photos did not really show that he is slowly balding, I am not sure how I feel about that. It's part vanity, part wondering why he 'hid' it, but then I feel guilty for thinking that.

 

I am still struggling with surprisingly strong feelings of wanting to contact Manboobs. I would have hoped I'd be over it by now. Sigh.

 

I'm not so sure it's intentional. Recent is subjective. Is recent within weeks or years? He may feel his photos are recent, and there may not be any intention to deceive. The other consideration is we can't see the top of our heads, or the back of them. We can observe a receding hairline and some thinness. But that's about it. It may not be about hiding, simply not updating is photos frequently enough.

 

If he is showing signs of balding in his 30s he will be bald soon. Keep that in mind if you're worried about vanity. Fortunately baldness is more fashionable and acceptable today.

 

oooops July 17th. You've probably moved on

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So being that this started as a "dating journal" I hope i don't have use for it in the future (at least not as a "dating" journal).

 

After splitting with my ex of 5+ years about 3+ years ago I must've went on 500 dates - no kidding. Granted a some 95% never went beyond a second date...still that's called trying lol.

 

Now approaching the 6 month mark with my current boyfriend M. I am trying to imagine a life with him and based on comments it seems he is too.

 

I am a worrier by nature and there are some things that make me worry about us for sure. I guess there is no way it predict the future and I have to live life and enjoy it as it comes.

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There is no way to predict the future- a given - to me the relevant question is even though we can't predict the future is this person someone who has a good chance of fulfilling the for better or for worse standard (whether that means marriage or some other type of commitment). I think living for today and in the moment is great. I think it's not great if it's a rationalization for not facing doubts about a person's long term role in your life.

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I am not feeling well and dr put me on antibiotics. I hope it doesn't take too long to heal.

 

M came over today and cuddled with me on the couch as we watched tv. I always feel lonely when he leaves. We do have an agreement to each sleep iver once a week but its not always feasible (like now when im sick)

 

I do feel like im burning up a bit I reaaally hope i feel better tomorrow.

 

I love M so much. He's now been telling me he loves me very regularly. Sometimes when he says it I freeze and am not able to return it. I think I still get very nervous around him after 6 months of dating! Isn't that crazy?

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Do you feel deprived?

 

The key is feeling deprived. If you feel fine and he does too, then no problem. My boyfriend and I go through stretches of weeks where we don't have sex due to lots of overtime or something. It happens. We have talked about it and we don't feel deprived or have any problems because we both masturbate.

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So we were texting and I asked him if thought we had good communication. He said yes.

 

Then I asked him if we could have more sex.

 

He said yes but it has to be morning or bedtime. I said that's not feasible since we don't live together.

 

He said he is practically 40 (he is 38) and that testosterone drops. I said it doesn't have to be penetrative, I'd be happy if he just touches me.

 

He said he will "try harder" and that he just wants to make me happy. This made me feel like crap so I told him sorry I made him feel like he needs to try harder.

 

He then tells me he wants to be lived for who he is. I asked don't you feel loved? He says I make him feel like a piece of meat.

 

Is this gaslighting?

 

I'm so upset right now.

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Why did you choose to text about this rather than speak in person? I don't agree about general sex drive for a man that age- he might have issues he doesn't feel comfortable discussing. I also find it ironic that you text him about "good communication" -so, in my experience also ,avoid those broad questions especially with psychospeak catch phrases. Be specific about what you mean "do you like talking to me about my obsession with Shark Tank" or "is it ok with you when I want to have a serious conversation while you're at work?" -even better, sandwich it with positive stuff "I loved how we cracked up together over that couple we saw on a first date. It felt so natural. Sometimes I'm not sure if you find my jokes funny".

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I texted him BC I had just left his side come home was now feeling frustrated and couldn't wait. Also sometimes (not always) I resort to texting when it's difficult to talk or an intense subject

 

Do you think he is gaslighting?

 

I think he is reacting reasonably to your choice not to wait to have this kind of conversation in person - so I'd look at his responses in that light. If you choose to prioritize letting out your frustration in this way over (IMO) a more genuine and thoughtful way to discuss intense subjects then you might have to deal with reactions that leave you feeling this way. Of course he could have responded with "not over text" or similar but his response was understandable. Reread what you just wrote to me - it's about "I" - and I think next time you have to balance it more in terms of him or at least "us".

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I'm usually more open to talking in person than he is. I could be wrong but I don't think his reaction stems from my choice of text vs in person.

 

That's ok -we can agree to disagree and you know him best. I wrote what I thought about what you typed and why your typing might have put him on the defensive or been confusing/too vague.

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