Applewhite Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 I won't touch on the anger part of his outburst, as notalady covered that quite well. But I do want to point a double standard... Why does he fly off the handle when you turn down sex when he initiated? But yet, when the shoe is on the other foot, when you're initiating or being sexy, he's all feeling like APOM and the blame is on you. How is that fair? Why does he get to initiate and you're expected to comply but if you do the same thing, he rejects you and accuses you of making him feel bad? What makes this okay, in your eyes? Just curious Yes I know, I brought this up to myself too. I really want him to understand me so I was thinking of asking him how he felt when that happened - and maybe he can understand better what I feel now - and my action was a split second to him and his is repeated and expressed after the fact etc so it has more of an effect on me. I reassured him on the spot. And maybe Batya is right about something she said earlier - maybe this is about the fear of rejection for me. She phrased it as not feeling loved or something but they are similar things I guess. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I think sometimes when you write things it comes off a bit worse than it is (and of course sometimes vice versa). It's hard to explain but I don't think in general if I refused sex and had an explanation for it he wouldn't get angry like that. I think it was more frustrating to him that he sensed something was up and I was having trouble expressing myself or talking at all. In fact tonight I will likely be telling him we need to just stop being intimate for a while because of the strange things I feel about rejection etc right now. I feel like he has sex with me out of obligation and even if that is not true I need at least some time to not feel that way first. I don't expect him to throw things when I explain this to him. What explanation do you need other than "I don't feel like it?" Yes I get that sometimes text sounds worse than in real life, and I get that you are not afraid of him, but are you trying to tell me that he didn't accuse you of cheating? Or didn't say stuff like "you think you're so smart" or whatever? Or raise his voice or throw things? If you want to try and work things out with him, that's fine, that's your choice. But don't for one second doubt that what he said or did was not ok. Do realise that a lot of people, if not most, would not react in this way. He is an easily angered person, there's no doubt about that. Excuses like "he only said/did that because he's frustrated", is on par with excuses that the abused make for abusers "he only hit me because I made him angry". Not saying he's abusing you or anything, but it's along the same lines of thinking. So yes, stay if you want, but at least recognise to yourself "this guy has anger issues, I am not responsible for his CHOICE to react this way. I want to trv and work things out, but I need to be aware of this fact." Can you at least do that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 So yes, stay if you want, but at least recognise to yourself "this guy has anger issues, I am not responsible for his CHOICE to react this way. I want to trv and work things out, but I need to be aware of this fact." Can you at least do that? I agree to that. I've also already told him if he does anything that is scary or tries to hit me etc - then it's done - there is no fixing that. I know he reacts in a bad/emotionally charged/unhealthy way. I love him and I really think he means well. I am not ready to give up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I agree to that. I've also already told him if he does anything that is scary or tries to hit me etc - then it's done - there is no fixing that. I know he reacts in a bad/emotionally charged/unhealthy way. I love him and I really think he means well. I am not ready to give up. Ok, that's fine. But don't wait till he hits you (if it ever happens) to leave. A lot of physical abuse don't happen until after moving in together or marriage where they feel like you are now trapped. There's also a lot of shades of unacceptable behaviour or even what can be considered as abuse that does not involve physical abuse, so don't draw the line at physical abuse. Just remember that. Also, meaning well means nothing. A lot of people have good intentions and do bad things. It's the action that matters, at least in case of a relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 What exactly about him makes this kind of behavior permissible to you? Why, exactly, are you invested in this relationship? What does he have that you could not find in another man? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I asked you many posts again - put aside the "but I love him" stuff when you are dealing with your behavior and his behavior. Substitute "like" as in - do you feel comfortable with him (no, you said you felt very nervous, right?), do you like hanging out together, like talking together? You are using the "love" part to justify and love is wonderful and love is NOT enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 When I am attracted to someone this much I get nervous. It's a butterfly kind of nervous I'm referring to. It lasts longer for me than most other people. We just talked last night. Telling him what I felt felt much better. He understood I felt. It felt very loving. I also explained why I need to abstain a while, he said he felt it last night and he knew what I was going to say before I said it. I do like him. He is smart and I can communicate with him (minus the insecurities I have about communication). I feel he is in my level, a match that way. We think alike on politics etc. (That's pretty important to me) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Ok- interesting that he thought you would want a break from sex after you had him come over last night to have sex. Maybe that will kind of reset things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 He said he felt it the way I was moving. I could see that. While I couldn't tell him "no" I was behaving physically different than I normally would, and my whole body was tense etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 I did not have him come over to have sex it was his idea to come over. I never said let's have sex and I really did not want to have sex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I did not have him come over to have sex it was his idea to come over. I never said let's have sex and I really did not want to have sex. Sorry -this is all very confusing from what you wrote. You texted him that you two weren't having sex enough and then he offered to come over and then you didn't want to have sex? Totally fine to change your mind of course but it sounds like from what you wrote he thought he was coming over to make you feel better and knew you were troubled about not having enough sex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 Sorry -this is all very confusing from what you wrote. You texted him that you two weren't having sex enough and then he offered to come over and then you didn't want to have sex? Totally fine to change your mind of course but it sounds like from what you wrote he thought he was coming over to make you feel better and knew you were troubled about not having enough sex. Batya no, we see each other very often. So no there was no arrangement that he was coming over for sex or anything like that. He would have been over anyway if that conversation wasn't had. In fact his explanation for no sex that week was because I was sick, and I was still sick. But yes although not spelled out he probably was trying to "make me happy" by having sex. And I failed to communicate that I wasn't up to having it because now I had negative feelings (feeling rejected) to sort out first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Ugh -I hated when people said this to me and now I'm an old married lady. 6 months.... it should NOT be this hard after 6 months. The end (meaning not necessarily the end of the relationship just that is sums up this situation IMO). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 Maybe I just put too much pressure on him with the sex thing. I mean before this week it was like 2 times a week. And it was always great when it happened. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 I feel silly. Sometimes I wake up and think: omg, my boyfriend is SSSOOO hot! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 I feel silly. Sometimes I wake up and think: omg, my boyfriend is SSSOOO hot! It's not silly -it's nice to think your boyfriend is hot - totally normal and also fun! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 It's not silly -it's nice to think your boyfriend is hot - totally normal and also fun! I guess it makes me feel shallow? Even though that isn't the only reason I love him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 It's not shallow to appreciate your partners physical characteristics. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 I guess it makes me feel shallow? Even though that isn't the only reason I love him Maybe semantics but not sure that feeling that your partner is hot has as much to do with love as it does with lust - lust is essential too to a romantic relationship! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 Maybe semantics but not sure that feeling that your partner is hot has as much to do with love as it does with lust - lust is essential too to a romantic relationship! Because it is physical admiration rather than any other trait? Even if it is physical admiration in not necessarily a sexual way? I could just stare at his face for hours. I don't remember having a boyfriend before and thinking : I could easily stare at him for hours and enjoy every minute Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 Because it is physical admiration rather than any other trait? Even if it is physical admiration in not necessarily a sexual way? I could just stare at his face for hours. I don't remember having a boyfriend before and thinking : I could easily stare at him for hours and enjoy every minute Well - admiration? As in you admire him for being hot looking? You mean like a work of art? It's fine to find someone's physical features appealing or hot -I wouldn't overthink it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 Well - admiration? As in you admire him for being hot looking? You mean like a work of art? It's fine to find someone's physical features appealing or hot -I wouldn't overthink it. That's some advice that's hard to take! I overthink everything! I am realizing now that my inability to have sex with him after the things that happened does stem from insecurity, resentment and maybe even anger over feeling him reject me. Do you think with some time these are things I can overcome and get over on my own? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 I think part of it comes from fear of watching how he reacts with anger - that could cause an almost visceral response to not wanting to be close to the person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 I think part of it comes from fear of watching how he reacts with anger - that could cause an almost visceral response to not wanting to be close to the person. I don't think that is my issue but are you saying subconsciously it may be? I just feel almost embarrassed about wanting him or worried that he doesn't want me as much or that he's just having sex to keep me happy. I just want to feel wanted I guess. And with physical affection I get plenty of that...But I can't get myself to say yes to sex now. In an odd way I almost want him to initiate and then turn it down. Also to see the frequency of initiation before we get started again. Does any of that make any sense? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 I see that you're trying a strategy to manipulate the situation and to test him. Remember that is playing with fire and 2 can play at that game. It's ok to want that, another thing to act on it. I think that when someone acts out physically in anger it can be anxiety-producing to be close physically to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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