notalady Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 I think the two biggest things that make me wonder are 1) I know he had a relationship that was a significant length where he felt he settled, he's mentioned that relationship to me that's why I know 2) He isn't happy about where he is in life now, a bit depressed about it so maybe since he doesn't feel so confident about that he settled for me thinking this is all he can find etc? As for how he behaves around me, he behaves like he will just do anything to keep me happy. Regarding 1) I would've simply asked, at the time he shared this story, whether he would choose differently now if he's in the same situation. That keeps things hypothetical. And regarding 2) that's purely speculation / paranoia on your part. There's really no basis for this. I would not be having any kind of conversation about this. This is one of those things that fit into what Batya had said a few time, minimise the relationship talk. Just relax and have fun. This qualifies as relationship talk, one that is for no good reason at that. So no, just don't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 25, 2017 Author Share Posted January 25, 2017 M coming over to sleep over happy. Here's some random info about something going on with my two friends. They were in a relationship for about 3 years. Then somewhat suddenly (at least suddenly for him) she broke up with him. Her reasoning is somewhat valid - that he doesn't know if he wants kids and she is 35 and does. Until here story is normal. But then within 2 weeks of breakup she starts seeing someone. A month or so after that he moves in And another month or so they are now engaged to be married 9 months from now. Ain't that a bit nuts or is it just me? Part of me is rooting for her. You go girl get what you want and if he doesn't want the same things drop him like a hot potato. Part of me feels bad for him. Part of me is surprised at the engagement.. and part of me is admittedly jealous. I started dating M before she probably ever met this person and my feeling is we are probably nowhere near marriage yet. Part of me thinks it's not normal for me to have this many opinions on any of this! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 Nothing wrong with breaking up with someone who have different relationship or family goals than you. They should've talked about this way way before they got so far into the relationship. But yea rushing into another relationship and get married so soon is nuts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 I don't particularly feel bad for him. She wants kids and he's not sure so at 35, she is probably thinking "why wait". If he doesn't want or isn't sure about kids, it's generally not a good idea to be with someone who really wants them. The very, very fast movement is a bit worrisome. Hope it works out for her. She is probably doing this at lightspeed because of concern for her bio clock. I was with two of my exes for almost 3 years each, and was nowhere near close to engagement. I always figured it was because I was younger but now I'm older and under way more pressure to tie the knot...and I still don't want to, lol. So it's just me. Some people just move really fast. I don't think there is anything really wrong with that, just a bit more risky but if they are okay with that, it's okay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 I think there was a major issue if she wanted kids the whole time and they never discussed or maybe he changed his mind suddenly. My guess is she is marrying this guy just to be a mom - scary and risky for the resulting child if there is one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 25, 2017 Author Share Posted January 25, 2017 So we had sex 3 times so far in the last 3 days 😁 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 25, 2017 Author Share Posted January 25, 2017 There is one thing that happened that feeds into my worries, though I will most certainly not share it with him... At some point this morning I told him thank you for coming. He patted me on the back quickly like you would a distant friend or something. Like a quick pat pat with fingers/half his hand on my shoulder. I don't see how you can react that way to someone you love romantically. So that made me feel not so good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 Just an observation here but you sound extremely insecure in this relationship in regards to his feelings for you, like you don't trust that he really is that into you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 25, 2017 Author Share Posted January 25, 2017 Just an observation here but you sound extremely insecure in this relationship in regards to his feelings for you, like you don't trust that he really is that into you. I know. I go back and forth on this I realized. Sometimes I'm.sure and sometimes I'm doubtful. I cannot tell if it stems from something real or something made up in my head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 A good rule of thumb is to think back to previous thought patterns in your previous relationships. Be honest: have you normally been insecure on this subject with past partners? Very doubtful of their feelings for you, despite things going well? If this is a recurrent issue for you, I'd be inclined to say that yes, it's a "You" problem and you need to work on yourself to overcome. However, if you are typically NOT insecure and this is rather new to you compared to past relationships, then I would heed the feeling. I would not discount or shove it away in that case. It could be that your gut is picking up on something that you need to take into account, or it could be that there is a disconnect between you and your partner. Like, he is not really connecting with you in a way that you need to be connected with to feel valued and wanted. And that's not a "you" issue, that's an incompatibility/"love language" issue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 25, 2017 Author Share Posted January 25, 2017 I've been both secure and insecure in the past so it's hard to tell. If I had to pick one as more dominant than the other I have to say insecure but they're almost 50/50. I think with him the fact that I'm so intensely attracted to him is making it worse. I just keep reading into little things and it's driving me nuts. Like this morning after the tap he asked if I'd like him to join me at the Dr so that made me feel better. He wouldn't ask for someone he didn't care about, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 I really like fudgies litmus test. Wish I had thought of it that way when I was feeling insecure. It's not about asking yourself "doesn't this mean". Listen to billy Joel's song you're my house/you're my home - google it. That is what it should feel like the vast majority of the time - so for example babies go through a phase of separation anxiety where they seem to lack object constancy- they don't believe the parent who Gorod in another room will ever come back. So you keep looking for clues that he actually cares and isn't settling - at this stage when you're sharing all your bodily fluids with him constantly and risking being parents with him it must feel really unsettling to worry this much about whether he cares. I felt that way with the guys who were wrong for me and in both ways - doubting their feelings and doubting mine. He might be the right guy but right now - he is not right for you. So can he become the right guy? Yes if there is a change - either you feel you trust that he cares for you in basically the same way you care for him or he changes his behavior (if that is the issue) such that you feel more at home with him. I am concerned with your focus on the frequency of sex and your focus on his physical features. It's great to be physically attracted and have sex a lot especially in the beginning but the combo of that focus and these insecurities makes me wonder if this is a healthy relationship for you right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 26, 2017 Author Share Posted January 26, 2017 Looking back at past relationships I think I was most secure when I was less attracted, feeling like I was settling and way more insecure when my attraction was high. I'm going to google that song now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 Looking back at past relationships I think I was most secure when I was less attracted, feeling like I was settling and way more insecure when my attraction was high. I'm going to google that song now. Well yes it's normal to feel insecure when vulnerable but in a healthy relationship where you've been dating for months and are exclusive that feeling should subside and be replaced with a foundation of security and trust. Most of us have felt that way before there's an agreement to be exclusive and there's uncertainty and lots of chemistry. But one point of committing to stop looking to date others is to increase security and the understanding that you only desire each other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 27, 2017 Author Share Posted January 27, 2017 Today at work M texted me. He asked what time I would be off work. I said unfortunately late! But I would like to take tomorrow off. He said no, it's OK I was just asking to go walk fluffy if you will be late. So I said that's very nice and thank you. I'm home.now and can see he put some dishes away. These are very nice things he does for me. I feel kind of bad when he does these kinds of things for me. (I never ask!) In a guilty kind of way. Is that normal? I guess I have some issues. Subconsciously I must be thinking I don't deserve it... Right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 Just requires more self-talk about what you deserve and are worthy of. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 27, 2017 Author Share Posted January 27, 2017 Things that I would like to talk about but likely fellow ena'ers would tell me it's too soon What happens when my lease ends in 5 months. I want to move from this apartment. If I move west (further from you) you get upset. I will feel like I'm the only one compromising if I move in with you and we don't have plans for marriage or a life together. (By then we will have been together a year) I know you are stressed and I don't want to pressure you further but how hard are you looking for a job since you quit yours? I found you a job that you turned down. Im worried you may not have a job by the time my lease ends that it will be increasingly difficult to define and plan our future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 I always agreed with the part of the book He's Just Not That Into You that advised not to make future plans dependent on a boyfriend who has not yet committed (I don't mean he's not into you - I mean I liked that advice). Such as - buy a new mattress even if you think he might propose in 6 months, and don't change your living situation plans for a boyfriend. I would not ask him about his job at all and it really is none of your business why he turned down that job - it was nice of you to make the gesture and totally his decision as to whether to take that job. As far as how hard he is looking for a job -also not your business to bring up. If you feel this is indicative of a work ethic that is not compatible with yours then you decide -on your own -whether you are ok with that type of incompatibility. I would not move in with him unless you are engaged with a wedding date or that is happening in less than a month (my personal opinion). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 27, 2017 Author Share Posted January 27, 2017 I always agreed with the part of the book He's Just Not That Into You that advised not to make future plans dependent on a boyfriend who has not yet committed (I don't mean he's not into you - I mean I liked that advice). Such as - buy a new mattress even if you think he might propose in 6 months, and don't change your living situation plans for a boyfriend. I would not ask him about his job at all and it really is none of your business why he turned down that job - it was nice of you to make the gesture and totally his decision as to whether to take that job. As far as how hard he is looking for a job -also not your business to bring up. If you feel this is indicative of a work ethic that is not compatible with yours then you decide -on your own -whether you are ok with that type of incompatibility. I would not move in with him unless you are engaged with a wedding date or that is happening in less than a month (my personal opinion). I don't want to move in without being engaged with a firm date to get married within 6 months. I do not want a wedding, I doubt he does either. I'd rather use that kind of money to go on a vacation/honeymoon or as a downpayment on a house. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 I don't want to move in without being engaged with a firm date to get married within 6 months. I do not want a wedding, I doubt he does either. I'd rather use that kind of money to go on a vacation/honeymoon or as a downpayment on a house. By wedding date I meant a date for the ceremony. To me, the reception is not a wedding -it's just a party to celebrate the wedding. We didn't have a traditional wedding reception and spent very little money but we had a wedding date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 28, 2017 Author Share Posted January 28, 2017 Lately he's also stressed about some student loans he defaulted on/wants to pay off. It kind of breaks my heart that he is depressed by stuff like this. I kind of wish I had enough money to be able to pay it off for him without having to worry about my own finances. But probably even if I could afford to do that it would introduce a strange dynamic to the relationship. If we did get married down the line I do think it would be smart for me to at least help with half so that they are done quicker. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 My boyfriend still has quite a bit of student loan debt from his bachelor degree. He plans to go back to school so he'll get even more debt. I doubt I'll marry but if I did, he would have to have a lucrative job to pay it off over time. If not, no go for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 Lately he's also stressed about some student loans he defaulted on/wants to pay off. It kind of breaks my heart that he is depressed by stuff like this. I kind of wish I had enough money to be able to pay it off for him without having to worry about my own finances. But probably even if I could afford to do that it would introduce a strange dynamic to the relationship. If we did get married down the line I do think it would be smart for me to at least help with half so that they are done quicker. Let him pay off his own loans!!! They are his responsibility. Also, be very wary of loaning a person money when they have already defaulted on a loan. For your sake, I am glad that you don't have enough money to pay it off for him!! I have loans from grad school, so I can relate to the frustration that he feels. But I would not allow another person to pay them off for me (even though I think that the current student loan climate is outrageous). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 28, 2017 Author Share Posted January 28, 2017 Well I do have the money just not comfortably enough to pay it off as a gift without expecting it paid back. I love this man so much. It hurts me to see him stress and struggle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 If you really love him then support him by letting him be independent and figure out how to face life's challenges including financial challenges. Struggling can be essential for growth. Yes, if you marry and have a joint account, etc you might decide as a couple to tackle the loans if you have the goal of owning a home, etc. But, no I would not loan him money and I would be supportive only if he asks for input- and then you can suggest a financial counselor/adviser, or maybe some books you know of that help with tackling student loan debt, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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