An Apple a Day - A Dating Journal

[Batya33]

Another thing to add. I could literally see the happiness on his face and in his reaction when I first called him "babe".

 

And more recently he says to me things like "yes my love". And I hide it but it makes me so happy.

 

Those are very nice words!

[Applewhite]

I breezed through the last five pages and still don't quite understand the problem. You feel sad because he isn't as sexual as you would like him to be?

Haha Naomi that made me smile. I guess I don't understand either

 

It's just my feelings fluctuate to such highs and lows. I don't know if it is for any valid reason.

 

I did buy a toy and he said he would use it with me. So that's good I guess

[Naomi99]

It sounds like you could use practice with emotion regulation. There are a ton of articles on it…

 

Also I'm wondering if your bf isn't as sexual because he whacked off earlier in the day. Don't laugh…I'm being for reals!

 

Sometimes we would be fooling around and the guy I was seeing would say, "Damn, I wish I didn't jack off earlier today," because they're not 100 percent ready to go if they'd just climaxed a few hours before. Especially if your guy is dropping in on you randomly. Who knows what he did in the shower that morning?

[mustlovedogs]

I don't see why you hide when he makes you happy. That seems self defeating - you criticize him for things he won't do and don't acknowledge what he does do. It probably would make him feel good to know he did something right.

[Applewhite]

I don't see why you hide when he makes you happy. That seems self defeating - you criticize him for things he won't do and don't acknowledge what he does do. It probably would make him feel good to know he did something right.

You're right. I just was surprised and I couldn't react. Maybe shy/nervous/insecure combination

[Jibralta]

What I mean by this is that I have some insecurities I am dealing with that create emotions based not necessarily on facts but feelings that have no logical reasoning behind them. Not sure if that makes sense. So I am trying to be objective about which of my concerns are real and which arise from my own insecurities and not because of any wrong doing or lack of x/y/z from my boyfriend. Does that make more sense?

 

Yes, makes sense. Although sometimes feelings, though seemingly illogical, are sometimes valid intuitions.

 

There's a saying that I like, "God speaks in whispers." I'm not particularly religious, but to me it means to pay attention to intuition, which is very easy to dismiss.

[Applewhite]

I just told him I am insecure about a,b and c. God help me....

He mentioned his own insecurities first but said he would rather not spell them out

[Fudgie]

I do agree with others that it's so important to show appreciation for your partner. I am not a very sentimental or fuzzy person but when my boyfriend does something I like, I tell him "Thank you, I love this" or "I love when you do x y z". Makes him feel good.

 

Praise the behaviors that you wish to see more.

[Applewhite]

Recently I told him thank you for something to which he replied he doesn't like compliments 😑

[notalady]

To be honest he just seems like a pretty closed off person, further demonstrated by his not able to accept compliments gracefully (just say you're welcome) and not wanting to spell out his insecurities after mentioning it first.

 

Definitely not someone who can freely and comfortably share about feelings, and discuss issues (explanation for his previous frustration when you tried to discuss issues with him).

[Batya33]

Yes, makes sense. Although sometimes feelings, though seemingly illogical, are sometimes valid intuitions.

 

There's a saying that I like, "God speaks in whispers." I'm not particularly religious, but to me it means to pay attention to intuition, which is very easy to dismiss.

 

But first the person has to be able to differentiate between intuition and other things that masquerade as it - fear/insecurity, etc.

[Applewhite]

OK so apparently his insecurity is not being where he wants to be in live, not having a house etc 😒

 

I don't think that's what insecurity means... Whatever

[IAmFCA]

OK so apparently his insecurity is not being where he wants to be in live, not having a house etc 😒

 

I don't think that's what insecurity means... Whatever

 

That IS insecurity. Both of you are displaying a difficulty in accepting yourselves. As you are. Today. He doesn't like compliments. You withdraw when he makes you happy. Its as if being accepted by the other feels like a fantasy and you each would rather pretend it isnt happening.

 

That is because you don't accept yourselves, so the other person's appreciation for you conflicts with your view of yourself.

 

His view is that he is worth less as a person because of his station in life. Do you agree?

[Applewhite]

That IS insecurity. Both of you are displaying a difficulty in accepting yourselves. As you are. Today. He doesn't like compliments. You withdraw when he makes you happy. Its as if being accepted by the other feels like a fantasy and you each would rather pretend it isnt happening.

 

That is because you don't accept yourselves, so the other person's appreciation for you conflicts with your view of yourself.

 

His view is that he is worth less as a person because of his station in life. Do you agree?

He isn't worth less to me but I do worry about him not finding a new job sometimes. I can't support both of us and I don't see how we could build a life with one income.

 

He just tonight said something like his only passion is to make marijuana vape. So we should move to California/Colorado. If I pushed it I bet he would insist it was a joke etc but I think part of him either doesn't want to work or thinks he can't find work. Which isn't true because I found him a good paying job that he shot down.

 

I thought when he shared his insecurity I could reassure him but in this situation I want to be careful what I say.

[notalady]

He isn't worth less to me but I do worry about him not finding a new job sometimes. I can't support both of us and I don't see how we could build a life with one income.

 

He just tonight said something like his only passion is to make marijuana vape. So we should move to California/Colorado. If I pushed it I bet he would insist it was a joke etc but I think part of him either doesn't want to work or thinks he can't find work. Which isn't true because I found him a good paying job that he shot down.

 

I thought when he shared his insecurity I could reassure him but in this situation I want to be careful what I say.

 

I would be very careful with proceeding with anything in this relationship until he finds a job.

 

That comment is...scary to me. Joke or not.

 

What is he doing to try to find a job?

[Batya33]

Agree with Notalady. I know people in the legalized marijuana business. It's a business meaning it requires everything you'd think being an entrepreneur requires and probably more because a lot of the laws and regulations are new/unchartered territory. I am not saying he should go into that business - my only point is it's silly if he thinks that that business requires any less work than any other. If he's just dismissively joking about wanting to be a worker on a marijuana farm or business making minimum wage, then yes that shows that his motivation doesn't go beyond a typical minimum wage job except he thinks it's cool if the product is marijuana vape. I don't think he can make a living like that much less contribute to a family. If he wasn't joking, that is.

 

To me compatible work ethics is high up there on the list of how a couple should be compatible.

[Fudgie]

I really hope he was joking about the MJ vape. Marijuana business can be lucrative but you need to have know how with the laws and you run the risk of being shut down by feds. Things are up in the air right now with our new president as well, if more federal action will be taken against such businesses, so it's a VERY shaky business to go into these days, even in states with legal weed.

 

How long as he been unemployed? Why does a part of you feel like he may not want to work?

[Batya33]

I really hope he was joking about the MJ vape. Marijuana business can be lucrative but you need to have know how with the laws and you run the risk of being shut down by feds. Things are up in the air right now with our new president as well, if more federal action will be taken against such businesses, so it's a VERY shaky business to go into these days, even in states with legal weed.

 

How long as he been unemployed? Why does a part of you feel like he may not want to work?

 

Very good point about the uncertainty. However I think he was talking out of his behind so to speak -my sense is he doesn't know much if anything about the business, it's more like my niece said when she was a little girl that she wanted to be a back up dancer for Brittany Spears. It's more like that.

[Fudgie]

That's good to know! I was thinking he could be joking in that way.

[Batya33]

That's good to know! I was thinking he could be joking in that way.

 

I think you thought the OP posted that above - unfortunately it was me!

[Applewhite]

When he quit his job he said he must find one in a month. I pointed out that may not be a realistic timeline. He said no one month. I didn't count but it's definitely over a month now. I don't want to ask him in detail what he's doing because I'd rather not stress him out about it.

 

During this one month the only job offer he had was that one I got him through my connection, he turned it down. It was a great job and they wanted him. He said don't worry there will be others (there hasn't been).

 

Over time he has "jokingly" ? said these:

 

Only passion is making pot let's move to x/y/z BC of that

 

Don't quit your job (when I was angry at something) then we will be an income less couple

 

When I said I can't yet afford a house in my own he said "we should talk" and he's mentioned buying a fixer upper (he has some professional experience building/fixing things)

 

He said maybe he should be a stay at home something or other but neither of us is motivated for kids and my income would certainly not comfortably support a family.

[Applewhite]

One other reason I don't want to talk about any of this yet is that I think I will get closer to the truth if I just silently observe under the radar.... What he says, what he does as opposed to asking : so when do you think you'll get a job, what jobs are you applying for etc

[mustlovedogs]

Being unemployed a month isn't that bad. If he quit because he hated his job, give him some time to recuperate. A bad job is incredibly demoralizing. It was unreal how my bad job impacted me.

 

If he has savings to function on his own, it's his problem. Give him another month and then start to get concerned. I say this out of experience.

[Applewhite]

Being unemployed a month isn't that bad. If he quit because he hated his job, give him some time to recuperate. A bad job is incredibly demoralizing. It was unreal how my bad job impacted me.

 

If he has savings to function on his own, it's his problem. Give him another month and then start to get concerned. I say this out of experience.

Oh no like I said I think his deceleration to find a job in one month is ridiculous and unrealistic.

 

But in the other hand I do have a fear that maybe he really doesn't want to work. Maybe that's why he's making all these "jokey" comments.

 

He spends an awful lot of time making pot at home and if he applies to jobs (he never talks about it so I don't know how actively he's doing this) it must only be online.

 

So I'm just trying to prepare myself mentally and emotionally as to what will happen if this drags on for months on end.

 

What will I do if the situation is identical another 6 months later and his savings are dwindling?

 

He also makes some money through short term stock trading and gambling on sports bets. But he also loses so ...

 

I'm just very worried about these. I don't see how we can have a future if he never gets a job

[mustlovedogs]

Well then evaluate it when your on personal timeline tells you to. If in two months you are nervous, tell him. Tell him this isn't what you signed up for. Ask how you can help.

 

And if nothing changes, dump him.

 

I have a sneaking suspicion that part of the reason my ex dumped me was because I was unemployed - AND because he was jealous I was home or traveling, having fun without the pressures of work.

 

However, I had extensive savings and I intended to be unemployed *at least* 6 months because I was sick of work. I had worked one job for a year with intense stress, 12-18 hour days 6 days a week. The following job (same company) had an awful, deceptive, manipulative boss. So I needed a break.

 

Ask how long his savings will last. That'll give you an idea of how long he has. If it's just a few more months, he should consider getting moving soon.

 

But yes, your concerns are valid. I wouldn't want an unemployed bum for a SO. Just sharing my counter story - everything was by design and I didn't borrow a single dollar from anyone.