IAmFCA Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 I know he's doing it to show affection. I just somehow can't get over the guilt. I remember the first time he did it. He put me to sleep in my bed and as I slept he cleaned the kitchen completely, then left as I was asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night and was very moved by this but I remember feeling.g a bit guilty even that day. He's so amazing and thoughtful and selfless. What are you guilty of? Can you articulate that? Link to comment
Applewhite Posted February 7, 2017 Author Share Posted February 7, 2017 What are you guilty of? Can you articulate that? Not cleaning my own kitchen lol. But seriously I feel guilty that he's doing chores for me somehow. I know he does that's show his affection but I guess on some level I must be feeling like I don't deserve it? I can't put my finger on it exactly. Not that I'll do anything about this but while I REALLY appreciate him doing it, it's still worth a 100x more to me if he continued sitting with me and held my hand instead of cleaning. Then again if he didn't do it I have zero energy to do it myself after a stressful 11 hour work day. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 Not cleaning my own kitchen lol. But seriously I feel guilty that he's doing chores for me somehow. I know he does that's show his affection but I guess on some level I must be feeling like I don't deserve it? I can't put my finger on it exactly. Not that I'll do anything about this but while I REALLY appreciate him doing it, it's still worth a 100x more to me if he continued sitting with me and held my hand instead of cleaning. Then again if he didn't do it I have zero energy to do it myself after a stressful 11 hour work day. 1. Dont fall all out over a man because he does kitchen. 2. Cleaning kitchen takes 5 minutes. Maybe you want to ask yourself if you want to change that habit so that you are responsible for yourself. 3. If the kitchen isnt clean, and youve decided thats acceptable to you, then let him do it because its comfortable.for him. Or ask him to pay attention to you and let it be. 4. Either way, accept that if you dont do something, someone else will. If you feel guilty for not doing your own dishes, then do them. Or accept that you choose not to. Guilt isn't relevamt. You choose not to do your dishes. He chooses to. End of story. All it requires from you is "Thank you. That was very helpful." Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 Not trying to make a big deal of it, rather to clarify your thinking. Own your choices. Do not try to own his, because you can't. If you aren't comfortable with how you keep house, change it. If you don't have the capacity to change it, accept your limitations and accept it. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted February 7, 2017 Author Share Posted February 7, 2017 I don't think it's my own mess that bothers me. I'm messy I've come to terms with that, and when it bugs me I clean! I think him doing. That stuff for me is what causes the discomfort. Even though I don't ask him to do it I feel like I'm imposing on him (I know it doesn't make a lot of sense). Link to comment
Applewhite Posted February 7, 2017 Author Share Posted February 7, 2017 Also for anyone who's read books about attachment styles I have insecure attachment, in case it wasn't obvious already. (And so does he by the way) So once in a while when I'm feeling particularly anxious about our connection and his interest (for no obvious reason at all) I'll do things like track how often he initiates conversation or how often he wants to see me etc. But without fail I never have to wait too long heck today I was wondering when he would text me if I didn't and he brought over a TV, spent time with me and cleaned the kitchen all unexpectedly Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 I don't think it's my own mess that bothers me. I'm messy I've come to terms with that, and when it bugs me I clean! I think him doing. That stuff for me is what causes the discomfort. Even though I don't ask him to do it I feel like I'm imposing on him (I know it doesn't make a lot of sense). That's my point. It doesn't make sense. Unless it reflects a feeling inside that you don't deserve it. You are self aware enough to see that. Use it to help yourself grow. We achieve what we feel is most true to us. If you feel you are unworthy, you will date underperformers and you will sabotage the relationship. Once he leaves you, you will be hurt and angry and sad, of course. You also will be comfortable, because order has been restored. You were not deserving, and so you don't have. Is that how you want this to go? No? Then you need to identify a few things you want. Believe you deserve those things. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 Also for anyone who's read books about attachment styles I have insecure attachment, in case it wasn't obvious already. (And so does he by the way) So once in a while when I'm feeling particularly anxious about our connection and his interest (for no obvious reason at all) I'll do things like track how often he initiates conversation or how often he wants to see me etc. But without fail I never have to wait too long heck today I was wondering when he would text me if I didn't and he brought over a TV, spent time with me and cleaned the kitchen all unexpectedly Exactly. Understand this thread within that context. It doesn't have to be this way. You can change your attachment style. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted February 7, 2017 Author Share Posted February 7, 2017 Exactly. Understand this thread within that context. It doesn't have to be this way. You can change your attachment style. I'm pretty sure that would extremely difficult, near impossible, since my suspicious is that it originates from physical and emotional abuse in childhood Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 I don't think it's my own mess that bothers me. I'm messy I've come to terms with that, and when it bugs me I clean! I think him doing. That stuff for me is what causes the discomfort. Even though I don't ask him to do it I feel like I'm imposing on him (I know it doesn't make a lot of sense). Do you think it's because you've been on your own for a while, and you are used to doing things yourself so that now when someone else does things for you, it is uncomfortable for you? Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 I'm pretty sure that would extremely difficult, near impossible, since my suspicious is that it originates from physical and emotional abuse in childhood Well, yes, it can change. Even so, understand this thread within that context. Insecure attachment, and here is someone insinuating himself as if he belongs there. Of course it is triggering a desire to sabotage it. Those feelings are your normal. And given the work you've done, you know they relate to an insecurity that originates within you, not him. So you let those feelings pass snd enjoythat he is doingsomething kind. You don't have to feel guilty. You can choose to let that go and accept that he is doing what he wants. The bigger picture: make sure you are choosing what you want. This thread started with a littany of ressons why you dont want this relationship. I advised you to dump your bf because he was self defeatist about getting a jobng I think you both share a few traits, and in fact may be well matched. Just work on accepting yourself and that might change some things. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted February 9, 2017 Author Share Posted February 9, 2017 M coming over to cook us dinner 😆 I'm still getting used to the TV he brought over (it's his hand me down) It's huge! I've never had a TV this big. I decided to get us Nintendo switch when it comes out (I wonder how I can preorder..) so we can play that together once a week or so 😍😍 Today is a day my insecurities are less. Funny thing is when the bad thoughts start creeping in my head he always texts or calls at that time! It's like he has a radar on my feelings somehow 😮😏 Link to comment
Applewhite Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 I just suddenly broke out in hives all over. I think it was the chocolate covered macadamia nuts I've been eating. I had a bit in the morning and I saw a small breakout on arms, neck etc. I didn't make the connection but took some benadryl. That was the last benadryl I have and I'm snowed in. Then later after having some more of those chocolate covered nuts I suddenly broke out ALL over my body like crazy itchy and red and warm all over. I'm pretty freaked out right now. Link to comment
notalady Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Are you able to go to emergency? Are you allergic to nuts? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Are you taking any medications or herbal supplements that could have caused it? Maybe ask a neighbor if she has benadryl. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 That is very scary! You don't have any more Benadryl to take? Are your hives better now? Usually emergency will just observe and give you Benadryl when you have hives. If you are having itchy/swelling of the throat and/or trouble breathing, GO RIGHT AWAY TO THE ER. You may need an epi treatment and your airway could close. I would stay away from chocolate and ALL nuts until you make an appointment with an allergist. At this point, you cannot safely say that you are allergic to the nuts or the chocolate..although it's likely that it's the nuts, you need to stay safe for now. Exposing yourself again to the allergen can cause your throat to swell up/close. You can call your PCP and see if he recommends one if you're not sure. With the allergist, you can get some tests done and they ought to be able to tell you what you're allergic to, also what kind of nuts (if any) are safe for you and what ones you really should stay away from. My mother developed an allergy to certain melons later in life. Her throat almost closed. Now she is careful not to eat fruit salads that may contain them. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 Are you taking any medications or herbal supplements that could have caused it? Maybe ask a neighbor if she has benadryl. I took a last dose of antibiotics yesterday I don't think that was it No supplements. It had to have been the chocolate covered macadamia Link to comment
Applewhite Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 That is very scary! You don't have any more Benadryl to take? Are your hives better now? Usually emergency will just observe and give you Benadryl when you have hives. If you are having itchy/swelling of the throat and/or trouble breathing, GO RIGHT AWAY TO THE ER. You may need an epi treatment and your airway could close. I would stay away from chocolate and ALL nuts until you make an appointment with an allergist. At this point, you cannot safely say that you are allergic to the nuts or the chocolate..although it's likely that it's the nuts, you need to stay safe for now. Exposing yourself again to the allergen can cause your throat to swell up/close. You can call your PCP and see if he recommends one if you're not sure. With the allergist, you can get some tests done and they ought to be able to tell you what you're allergic to, also what kind of nuts (if any) are safe for you and what ones you really should stay away from. My mother developed an allergy to certain melons later in life. Her throat almost closed. Now she is careful not to eat fruit salads that may contain them. Unless I suddenly developed an allergy for chocolate in minutes that ain't it. I eat chocolate everyday pretty much, have been for years! Anyways I made it through the night pretty itchy still but not in throat. I have to clear snow off my car to be able to drive to get benadryl (we had a huge storm yesterday). I could ask m but he's probably sleeping now Link to comment
Applewhite Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 Just got up to look at mirror it looks SO scary because it literally covers almost every inch of me. Luckily so far my face is unaffected as is throat thank for and nothing inside of genitalia. But pretty much everything else except feet Link to comment
Applewhite Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 So I went out, pretended to clear my car of snow and came back in. It's freezing and even if I successfully cleared my car of snow I can't drive over the snow behind my car. Thanks neighbors for throwing your snow behind my car when you shovelled yours. I seriously have the worst neighbors in this apt complex Link to comment
Fudgie Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 That stinks! Are you going to ask M for help? I think in your shoes, I would ask a SO or nearby family member for help, as I would do the same for them in the same situation. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 He will probably come to clear my car before I even ask is my guess but I'm sure he's sleeping now. I tried this we if I can order groceries but they are all already booked for delivery. I'm checking Walgreens now to see if they deliver. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I took a last dose of antibiotics yesterday I don't think that was it No supplements. It had to have been the chocolate covered macadamia The last time this happened to me it was right after my last dose of antibiotics (clindamycin) -even my mouth was swollen. My oral surgeon claimed it couldn't be that (because I'd been on it for 8 days) but the dermatologist strongly believed it was the antibiotics. Yesterday my husband started clindamycin for oral surgery and soon I will leave to go get groceries -and Benadryl just in case given what happened to me. I hope you feel much better soon and can take more Benadryl, and see a doctor. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 Sulfamethoxazole so not the same thing I guess Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Sulfamethoxazole so not the same thing I guess You seemed to be ruling out the antibiotic because you finished yesterday. In my experience it happened the day after I finished. Link to comment
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